St. Birgitta's Church
|
|
St. Birgitta's Church VSB. Nothing here. --Kjlometros (talk) 23:39, 6 January 2021 (UTC)
|
| St. Birgitta's Church
Pegton [81, 55]
Basic Info:
|
St. Birgitta's Church
Description
A derelict 10th century stone church, dwarfed by the grassy mound in its grounds.
History
This church is named after St. Birgitta, patron saint not only of Sweden but also of the morbidly obese.
Birgitta was a comely Swedish virgin, orphaned when her Viking father was slaughtered on a raid in Pegton. Adopted by Christians and realising that her only hope of retaining her virginity among the lascivious youths of Pegton was to become obscenely fat, she gorged herself daily on Pegtonian delicacies. Eschewing her low-fat native dishes such as gravadlax in favour of deep-fried Pegtonian sheep-pig in clotted cream, she achieved her earthly goal of weighing 40 stone and her heavenly goal of remaining carnally unknown to man or boy throughout her life.
On her death by suffocation at the age of 33 (she choked on a roll of her own fat in her sleep), her coffin was carried by two-dozen panting mourners and she was buried under a massive earth mound on which the present-day church was built. 'Birgitta's Bower' became a shrine and place of pilgrimage for the obese. The all-women order of the Birgittians lived near the church for a millennium, obeying a strict vow of obesity by eating up to a dozen meals a day and taking no exercise.
McDonald's had major plans for redeveloping the site with a drive-thru restaurant for worshippers, but these were frozen by the arrival of gluttonous yet scrawny zombies.
The Birgitta Phenomenon
The aura of St Birgitta is credited with preserving the moral rectitude of the residents of western Pegton from the depravity that centred upon the notorious Perks Avenue. There is indeed a remarkable difference in tone between the scruffy area south of the church and the smart residential districts to the north: compare, for example, the police stations at Tilly Row and Dinham Alley.
Many Pegton worthies, including Walter Webber, chose to live in the shadow of St. Birgitta, in the firm belief that her holiness would protect them from evil in life and after death; whether St. Birgitta can protect modern survivors from evil in undeath is not something many people are willing to put to the test; those that do can be found at the nearest of Pegton's hospitals, revive points, or zombie hordes.
UNESCO
Pegton's council-in-exile plans to apply for UNESCO World Heritage Site status for the church and its mound in due course, just as soon as they have 1) cleared up this slight difficulty of marauding zombies eating everyone's brains, and 2) completed the necessary paperwork, which runs to thousands of closely-printed forms.
Barricade Policy
Entry Point. Keep at VSB++!
Current Status
Currently Very Strongly barricaded. I saw nothing east or north of here in Pegton that can make that claim. Taking a long nap. --AleViola 05:47, 13 February 2008 (UTC)
