The Malton Observer/101408
Malton Observer: October 14th, 2008
The Malton Observer would like to thank its sponsors:
- The Malton Uprising - <Insert cheap shot here!>
| News at a Glance |
| Interview with a Deity |
| Special Report: Tom Chardon's Double |
| Fun Corner |
News at a Glance
- Happy Birthday - The Observer's own Choppers McGee turned 30 yesterday.
- The Malton Uprising Update - Nobody cares about the MU now.
- Happy Thanksgiving - Canadians Malton-wide celebrate Thanksgiving. 3 reported dead from food poisoning.
- Malton Observer Releases 6th Issue - Editor Labine50 quoted saying, "It's been how many issues!?"
- Poll Taken - 80% of Brainstock users believe Tom Chardon = Doctor Tom.
- B-B-B-BIRD, BIRD - BIRD IS THE WORD!
Letter from the Editor
Watch for the next special issue of the Observer, hopefully out October 31st! William Told will be taking over editorial duties for the next issue, and I wish him the best of luck. (Not that he'll need it!)
Also, I would like to apologize to Malton Observer staff for last issue. Everyone over here has been working hard to get each issue hard, and I'm thankful for all the help; I thought it might be time to give them a vacation.
Still sick from bad turkey, -Labine50
Interview with a Deity
Malton is home to a vast collection of murderers, zealots, and groups of nefarious characters; but the so-called secular nation of DORIS, or the Democracy Of Resensitized with Interesting Sigs, stands out from the rest. DORIS is widely known for being able to mobilize large coalitions of nefarious groups under the banner of the Sons of Pluto (DORIS' Pluto-worshiping cult), as well as for being one of the least discerning groups of killers in all of Malton: Once referred to as the Freemasons of Malton, they accept nearly anyone willing to kill in Pluto’s name, regardless of group affiliation or style, even accepting bounty hunters into the fold. Starkly contrasting with nearly every other group of killers in Malton, DORIS does not require its members to leave the group they are affiliated with to join DORIS in its campaigns. Members of DORIS are also widely known for having interesting sigs and shouting, "needs moar DORIS," in a variety of situations without regard for the fact that DORIS has no numerical value, a fad that has spread to every corner of Malton.
Detractors of DORIS claim that they are simply a bunch of juvenile, homophobic griefers with nothing to do but have cheap laughs at the expense of others, a fair statement, as they have repeatedly griefed individuals and groups without restraint and often ridicule their foes with extremely homophobic language. For example, the Imperium Must Die Coalition, the largest operation DORIS has planned and carried out to date, was a large, organized effort to try to force Garviel Loken from Malton permanently.
Since August 24, 2006, the date the International Astronomical Union's downgrading Pluto’s classification from "planet" to "dwarf planet," DORIS has launched several attacks on various groups and suburbs throughout Malton whom they have declared enemies of Pluto. Recently, however, Pluto has reputedly returned to life in mortal form, an event that DORIS has celebrated by naming the denizens of Fort Creedy "infidels" and killing them indiscriminately. The Malton Observer recently spoke via liaison with Pluto, the mysterious figure worshiped by this murderous cult. Recently reborn as a mortal in Malton, he was eager to voice his own opinion for a change, as any god would be.
MO: Thank you for speaking us today. Please state your name for the paper.
Pluto: Call me Pluto.
MO: On 8/24/2006 the International Astronomical Union downgraded you from "planet" to "dwarf planet" in what DORIS claims to be an attempt on your life, nearly stripping of your divinity. How does it feel to have everything taken away from you by the people you trusted most?
Pluto: I feel betrayed. For years, people considered Me their favorite planet. The God of the Kuiper Belt. There is a need for revenge.
MO: Conversely, the Sons of Pluto cult, led by the secular nation of DORIS, have remained faithful to you, repeatedly launching attacks on infidels for supposed transgressions against you and your followers. Are you pleased with their performance thus far?
Pluto: Of course. They have done well. In My absence, Sonny has led well. The Army has grown, and I am pleasantly surprised by this all.
MO: Now that you’ve been reborn in mortal form, how do you plan on retaliating against your detractors?
Pluto: Well, I don't want to give away any surprises, but of course I have been slaying infidels Myself. Also, DORIS is doing a good job celebrating My return, but I would like to see more.
MO: Was Sonny inspired by you in his griefing of the Imperium, or did he organize IMD Coalition on his own?
Pluto: Although I was not part of DORIS activities while lying dead, I'm sure Sonny was inspired by Myself while leading the Army. The IMD Coalition was probably one of the most successful religious Inquisitions in the history of quarantined Malton. I am very pleased.
MO: Now that you have a mortal body, is there anything you’re planning on doing that you weren’t able to do with a silicate-based body?
Pluto: Of course. Although I must be more careful now, as I can be permanently killed and have used up much of My divine powers reincarnating, I hope to get go to a mall, get a bat, and play some baseball. Then, I'll use it to bludgeon a heretic’s face in.
MO: Now that you have planetary, divine, and mortal aspects; will you be referring to yourself as the Kuiper Trinity?
Pluto: A truly outstanding idea. I never thought of that, but I shall consider it.*
MO: Some players have claimed that DORIS is just a griefing organization. Would you like to respond to these claims?
Pluto: We are not griefers. We are a nation. They are griefers by griefing us about griefing them. What's with all the griefing? We only slay infidels.
MO: Thank you for taking the time to conduct this interview with us. Is there anything else you would like to say to our readers?
Pluto: Praise be to Pluto!!! I have returned. Join us in our quest to purge Malton of nonbelievers, and help pave the road for a New Secular Order in Malton!!!
-William Told
* Pluto has since taken to referring himself as The Kuiper Trinity. We blame the liaison.
Doctor Tom = Tom Chardon?
Irrefutable evidence has been uncovered that Doctor Tom and Tom Chardon are the same person.
The Profile
Firstly, Tom "Chardon"'s profile.
Notice that he is a scientist? What other class in UD do we know of that is a scientist?
Yes, that's right. We have Doctor Tom "Chardon" and Doctor Tom.
The Wiki
Evidence can also be found on the wiki of the connection. Here he both admits that he has other alts in the game, (which could very well include "Doctor Tom".)
and that he is a Scorpio!
And as we all know, Doctor Tom is a Scorpio who enjoys long walks on the beach.
Going back to the profile Doctor Tom Chardon has put together, he mentions headaches. That sounded familiar to me, then I remembered! Doctor Tom mentioned that moderating General Chat was giving him a headache.
In Game
Then of course there was this little gem dug up by the the PI I hired.
As you can see, Doctor Tom and Tom Chardon are clearly the same person. Any other evidence can be submitted in this thread or via PM to myself.
This has been a Malton Observer special report.
-Labine50
Whatever That Means!
A Q&A column with the Chardon siblings. Got a question? Drop us a line! askachardon@gmail.com
Fun Corner
-Tonyay163
Note from the Editor, to MU members- joke n (pl, jokes) 1- an amusing story, 2- something said or done for amusement.
Due to Jayefex's vacation there will be no crossword in the Fun Corner this issue.
