The Pluto Press Issue 1

The Pluto Press Current Issue | Old Issues | The Editor | DORIS Current Issue NEVAR FORGET News Sooper Sekret Special Why You Need Moar DORIS Sig of the Issue A Reading from the Book of Pluto NEVAR FORGET News Vaccine to Bullets Offered at Select Hospitals Scientists in Malton have announced their discovery, a vaccine to bullets. If you can afford the hefty price of 8.24 Spanish Dubloons, or 9.2 pence, you can get the vaccine. St. Wolfgang's Hospital in Grigg Heights and Catherine General Hospital in Yagoton are the only two offering vaccines to the general public. However, word of "backdoor" vaccines can be purchased in the back of Kingman Alley in Old Arkham, a dilapidated and run down part of town. Woman Shot and Stabbed 13 Times, Lives Reknown Electric Messiah of the Populat, Amber, was assaulted by an assailant this evening. Her scars show two shotgun hits, six pistol hits, and five knife stabs. Luckily, Amber was wearing a flak jacket and healed herself with several first aid kits she had on her. When her would-be assassin failed to kill her Amber was quoted saying, "Nice try." "I ate a bug" Word on the streets, that is watchin', says that Rakuen, Minion of the Populat, may or may not have swallowed a bug. Police officers and the District Attorney refuse to comment. Public Relation officers of Malton expect a law suit. Survivor Death Revealed Last month the city was rocked by the highly publicized death of Jon Takanawa. A recent autopsy reveals that his death was attributed to a dangerous amount of lack of DORIS. The head coroner was kind enough to elaborate on the circumstances of his death. "We've seen a lot of this lately," explains the coroner. "It wasn't until this case that we were able to link the symptoms to the cause." The coronor then points to the body. "You can see the lack of an interesting signature on the body. This is a dead give away that there isn't enough DORIS." After returning to her desk the coroner takes out a folder six inches thick with various cases similar to this one. "As many as two thousand could have died in the past two years. It's sad really. I recommend all to try get moar DORIS or else this might happen to you." Stingrays On Trial The court case against the stingrays behind the September 9th attacks on Steve Irwin began recently. The defendents are expected to plead not guilty on the account that they are just animals. The District Attorney, however, feels confident that he'll win based on the evidence found in the Malton Zoo linking them to Steve Irwin. Sooper Sekret Special DORIS: Pancake of the DEM The two freedom fighters, Alpharius and Secruss, have recently exposed DORIS as a pancake of the DEM. Long has DORIS been connected to Red Rum, a known pancake. A pancake is a group who is fluffy and delicious and goes well with syrup or butter, as well as a satellite to a much larger group, usually the DEM. Alpharius and Secruss claim that TheKooks of Red Rum is secretly Kristi of the DEM. Their claims do not end there. According to the pair Canderous Ordo of DORIS is in league with the DEM. However, the Shadow Government makes a different claim. According to the mysterious Shadow Government Canderous Ordo is truly in charge of the DEM and DORIS is the true rulers of Malton. Both claims are wrong. A reporter of the Pluto Press has uncovered evidence proving the Karl of Red Rum is really Kristi of the DEM in drag. This would explain Red Rum being a pancake of the DEM. A file cabinet hidden in the back of the Morrish Building in Pitneybank shows all the members of DORIS are all secretly Suburban Ed, the pseudonym of Shotgun Ed. Even more frightening are the picture proving AnimeSucks of DORIS is Finis Valorum in a mask. Police officers who recovered his journal revealed that AnimeSucks created Finis as a way to become friends with the Dribbling Beavers. Our local gossip gal, Amber, has told us that Rakuen and GioV of DORIS are totally dating and were seen walking down the streets of South Blythville together. Why You Need Moar DORIS You need more DORIS because... DORIS always delivers You have nothing else to live for Your name is Labine50 No one loves you You could use the attention You hate the Imperium You have erectile disfunction Sometimes people just don't understand you You have a longing to move to Pluto You like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain Sig of the Issue Sirens was the old leader of Red Rum. She was the first member of another group to join DORIS. Her valor was proven in the heat of battle when she led both Red Rum and DORIS forces through the urban environment of Grigg Heights. Sirens' title is Psycho of the Populat. Her duties as Psycho include, but not limited to: crossdressing, scaring little children, cutting off genitals with a hooked blade, and hitting on Amazing. A Reading from the Book of Pluto "The young Banana asked me 'Why do we celebrate the passing of Pluto'./And the good Lord came down and shown his darky and silvery light upon us./From his cold and disheartening embrace came his son Charlton Heston/Who looked out among the masses of undead, uttering 'NEVAR FORGET'/And offered the gun in his hand./The young Banana reached for the gun but found his grip to be stronger than his love for Steve Irwin./The young Banana asked why and was told he could grab the guns from his cold, dead hands. The young Banana exclaimed 'I don't believe it' to which the Messiah replied 'Habeeb it. HONK HONK HONK.'" - Pluto 8:24 Old Issues None Yet The Editor Canderous Ordo - Secular Leader of the Populat