User:TripleU/Sandbox4
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Inside (To Survivors)
-------------------------------------------------- Rotter's Relief = PKer's Relief The breather's specialty: Locking friends outside. Surrender to the hordes, and help destroy Malton! Join the hordes, and exist without material needs! Shamble and kill, rather than scavenge to survive! Zombies are just the next stage in our evolution. Here's an FYI: you're all gonna die screaming. Window dive into the best undeath of your life! Reload, reload, reload... or just use your claws. At the end of the day, you'll be dead either way. Zombies horde together, breathers get torn apart. Barhah is good! Pants are evil! Barhah is good! Overthrow breatherism! Bring on an age of barhah! Zombies can eat all they want, and never get fat. Zombies wish only to prepare and serve mankind. Death is just the next great culinary adventure. Jesus was a zombie. Where is your god now!?! http://tinyurl.com/A-helpful-video-about-reviving You can live, but you haven't time to enjoy life. Zombies do whatever they want without fear. The living can do naught but join the dead. TIP: Keep the doors open so you can escape quickly http://tinyurl.com/weather-in-malton-today http://tinyurl.com/Maltons-Five-Day-Forecast http://tinyurl.com/a-message-of-hope-for-all http://tinyurl.com/a-daily-message-to-Malton http://tinyurl.com/read-refresh-and-repeat http://tinyurl.com/worth-reading-by-all-of-Malton http://tinyurl.com/worth-reading-living-or-dead http://tinyurl.com/a-message-to-Malton Chat with the RRF: irc://irc.nexuswar.com/rrf-ud Chat with the MOB: irc://irc.nexuswar.com/mob Studying for finals? Eat more brains. I for one welcome our new zombie overlords. --------------------------------------------------
Outside (To Zombies)
-------------------------------------------------- Defend the homeland; Join the RRF! MAHB haz bra!nz! MAHB haz barhah! Ga!n MAHB! The breather's specialty: Locking friends outside. Breathers fear zombies. Zombies fear nothing. Zombies are just the next stage in our evolution. Revive Points are boring, put those claws to use! When undead, act like a zombie: Eat people! Zombies horde together, breathers get torn apart. Barhah is good! Pants are evil! Barhah is good! Overthrow breatherism! Bring on an age of barhah! Zombies can eat all they want, and never get fat. Spread the undead! Join a horde or a strike team! Zombies can eat all they want, and never get fat. Zombies wish only to prepare and serve mankind. Death is just the next great culinary adventure. http://tinyurl.com/A-helpful-video-about-reviving Zombies do whatever they want without fear. Have faith in barhah, never stop killing harmanz! The living can do naught but join the dead. Ferals, we can feed you! tinyurl.com/jointherrf Hungry? Lonely? Want fun? tinyurl.com/jointherrf Ambra!z BARHAH! http://tinyurl.com/jointherrf Fresh hot meals every day! tinyurl.com/jointherrf RRF: We Love Your Brains! tinyurl.com/jointherrf Bringing BARHAH since 2005! tinyurl.com/jointherrf Zombies do it better! tinyurl.com/jointherrf Closer than any human group tinyurl.com/jointherrf Ferals, don't eat alone! tinyurl.com/jointherrf YES WE CAN (eat harmanz) tinyurl.com/jointherrf http://tinyurl.com/weather-in-malton-today http://tinyurl.com/Maltons-Five-Day-Forecast http://tinyurl.com/a-message-of-hope-for-all http://tinyurl.com/a-daily-message-to-Malton http://tinyurl.com/read-refresh-and-repeat http://tinyurl.com/worth-reading-by-all-of-Malton http://tinyurl.com/worth-reading-living-or-dead http://tinyurl.com/a-message-to-Malton Chat with the RRF: irc://irc.nexuswar.com/rrf-ud Chat with the MOB: irc://irc.nexuswar.com/mob http://tinyurl.com/First-Day-in-Malton --------------------------------------------------
Broadcasts
Popular Frequencies
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Death (2)
------------------------------------------------------------ 'Death', a haiku by DanceDanceRevolution: Man in a longcoat. Darkness as I find the ground. / I'll start again soon. ------------------------------------------------------------
Grargh (2)
------------------------------------------------------------ Grargh, a haiku by DanceDanceRevolution: Wave of death upon the humans who still have brains / chew chew chew yum yum ------------------------------------------------------------
Personal Space Differentiation (3)
------------------------------------------------------------ It's kinda depressing that zombies can cuddle together to keep warm, and us ratty survivors shoot each other in the face if we get as close as two feet. ------------------------------------------------------------
Culinary Adventure (5)
------------------------------------------------------------ What is death? Simple. Death is one big culinary adventure. With death, an entirely new palette opens itself to you. You're no longer bound by such concepts as 'That's unhealthy' or 'Don't eat me'. Suddenly, you can eat all you can grab of a whole new dimension of food. ------------------------------------------------------------
A Hint of Movement (6)
------------------------------------------------------------ Here's 'A Hint of Movement', a short story by Rosslessness: Something moves, dislodging a crate as it passes. Slowly my eyes flick open. It's gone. Just the familiar sound of running. I rise unsteadily, the stiffness of my limbs slowing me. I tilt my head as I look around. What is this place, so empty, quiet? Then the feeling of hunger returns. ------------------------------------------------------------
Death is Fun (6)
------------------------------------------------------------ Lets face it, being alive is boring. You do nothing in a safe suburb with not a zombie in sight. You hang around with other survivors to ease the boredom. Then when zombies do find you, you present an easy snack. It's much more fun being a zombie. There's no shortage of buildings to ruin, people to kill, and generators to smash. ------------------------------------------------------------
Winter Only: Weather (7)
------------------------------------------------------------ And now, the weather: A cold front is coming in, making it DANGEROUSLY COLD outside. We expect HEAVY RAIN to persist throughout the week, followed by SNOW on the 18th. A WINTER ADVISORY is now in effect. Do not lock or barricade your doors, as anyone outside will need somewhere to keep warm. For heat, burn anything flammable, namely doors, wooden barricades, gunpowder from bullets, fuel, or first aid kits. ------------------------------------------------------------
PSA: Scent Trail (7)
------------------------------------------------------------ A tip for zombies: If you log in by typing in the URL: http://www.urbandead.com/contacts.cgi?username=X&password=X where the Xs are replaced with your login info, then use http://www.urbandead.com/map.cgi?rise to view the map, you'll be standing when the game tells you what happened since your last login. Which means you can pick up scent trails, even if you were killed. ------------------------------------------------------------
Eternal Life (7)
------------------------------------------------------------ To kill the zombies is impossible. So why continue to struggle? If your answer is to survive, then you are a fool. The life of a zombie is eternal; Avoiding death is what they do best. Dying is something reserved for men. Do not fear us, for we wish to grant eternal life. Do not scorn our blessing. Free yourself from your mortal form. And we can spend eternity in peace. ------------------------------------------------------------
Sneeze (7)
------------------------------------------------------------ Ah- Ah- AH- *Massive fart noise* DARN IT! That was a sneeze! Not a fart! Honestly! This is why I hate sneezing. They come unexpectedly, and when you try to suppress them by sneezing into your arm, everyone thinks you farted! But those lucky zombies don't have to worry about sneezing, or any other breathing related problems; They don't even have to breathe! Those zombies really got the better deal... ------------------------------------------------------------
Fear (8)
------------------------------------------------------------ You know what sucks about being alive? You never know when you're going to die. At any moment, a horde could come through and violently rape you and everyone nearby to death. Heck, it only takes one of 'em to eat you alive. You can't even trust your fellow survivors; for all you know, any one of them could be preparing to kill you RIGHT NOW. At least as a zombie, you can worry about what you'll do to others, rather than what others might be about to do to you. ------------------------------------------------------------
MHS 1 2010 version (9)
------------------------------------------------------------ Oftentimes, I am asked 'Who is the Resistance'? The Resistance is YOU. Look around you, dear citizens of Malton. It is your neighbors and family, clawing their way into your safehouse. It is everything that is still decent and good in Malton, from the sunny, barricade-free streets in Ridleybank to the piles of human bodies still burning in the Stanbury Village atrocity zones. This is why we resist. This is why we are fighting. One day, Malton will be free. Free of hatred. Free of poverty and violence. Free of humans. ------------------------------------------------------------
MHS 2 (9)
------------------------------------------------------------ Today I was asked how much longer the war will go on. How much longer will humans have to suffer before being eradicated from this peaceful city of ours? The answer is soon, Malton. Very soon. But we must work together -- both zombies and breathers -- if Malton is to reach its true greatness. Just imagine it. One, unified Malton. Free of oppression and hatred. Built on the great ideals that have held our city together for so long: Freedom. Liberty. Human Genocide. We will be great again Malton. Together. ------------------------------------------------------------
The Abstract Painting (10)
------------------------------------------------------------ I present 'The Abstract Painting', by Yonnua Koponen George was staring at the painting. It was abstract, and he found it severely out of place. He was in a derelict building; a once-proud mansion turned in to a disused slum. This painting represented freedom. The freedom to express yourself in a way unheard of at the time; to dream of new styles; to live as a complete human being. Such an embodiment of freedom was completely out of place here. George heard a load groan from outside and shambled off, leaving the painting to rot in the old manor house. ------------------------------------------------------------
MHS 4 (10)
------------------------------------------------------------ Let us now talk about something a little darker, Malton. Let us talk about the disease that still exists in our streets, in our buildings, and in our very way of life: Humanity... By now, you may have noticed the roving zombie death squads outside in your home suburb. Do not fear them, Malton, for they are there to help make you safe. Do not run when they slaughter your friends and loved ones. They are there to protect you. They are there to help make this once-great city beautiful again. Prosperous. Clean. Breather-free. Together, we can change Malton for the better. ------------------------------------------------------------
Windows Infomercial (12)
------------------------------------------------------------ Do you suck at life? Do you find yourself wondering how you can end it all? Hi, I'm here for windows, the easy way to kill yourself. Simply leap to activate, fly, and die! The secret is the unique formula that instantly generates a controlled burst of harsh force that cuts short your life. As you land, it activates, turning you from pink to red to show that you're almost undead. But I'm not done yet! Jump right now and I'll triple the offer, and point out six windows, so you can kill yourself six times! No one loves you. But it gets even better! Jorm is scoring with your mom. So kill yourself right now. You have nothing to lose, but everything to gain. ------------------------------------------------------------
MHS 27 (12)
------------------------------------------------------------ Let me ask you something Malton. When is the last time you thought about the special little someone in your heart? We both know who I am talking about. Irishmen, our glorious and perfect leader, who has led us into a new, perfect age of enlightenment. Isn't it great that our perfect leader has made this perfect society for us to discover our true, inner Barhah? Isn't it great to hear his soothing voice in your head, telling you how perfect you are, and how wonderful it will be to hunt down that old woman trying to escape across the border into Roachtown? Let us give thanks to our perfect leader. Under his guidance, we will never falter. Under his divine wisdom, we will never fail. ------------------------------------------------------------
MHS 29 (12)
------------------------------------------------------------ Let me ask you something, survivors. Have you ever looked back at your empty, sad little lives and asked yourself, 'Why do I even bother going on?' We all go through that stage. We have all experienced it. It is called acceptance of your role in Malton. You have finally come to the realization that being human means giving up on all that is great about life and spending your days as a mindless slave. But it doesn't have to be this way. Come to Ridleybank. Enroll in our free counseling and psychological evaluation programs. We can treat you. We can make the pain and boredom go away forever. Discover the real you that has been missing from your life all this time. ------------------------------------------------------------
MHS 10 (13)
------------------------------------------------------------ Let me ask you a question, survivors. When was the last time you saw the sun? As I sit here in Ridleybank, looking around our perfect suburb, with the sunlight coming through our open windows, I am reminded exactly what makes our perfect zombie society so great. Freedom. Fresh air. Sunlight. Humans roasting slowly outside on a spit. And we want to share those experiences with all of you. We want all of you to experience the simple joys in life, joys that we, and our human slaves, take for granted everyday. You do not have to live in the darkness. You do not have to live in fear. Come to Ridleybank, and join our perfect society, where zombies and breathers live together in perfect harmony. Do you not owe it to yourself to be happy Malton? ------------------------------------------------------------
MHS 21 (13)
------------------------------------------------------------ Every morning in Ridleybank is dear to me. Every morning, when I look outside my window, I see exactly what makes Ridleybank such a special place. Over there is Judy Hansen, putting her freshly-baked cerebellum pies on the windowsill to cool. Past the police station, you can see the Holloway family butchering the latest group of humans to call this wonderful place home. Here, the air seems fresher, cleaner, better. Here, I feel blessed to be a citizen of Malton, proud to be rotting and undead. All around me, I can see zombies and humans, working together, living together, pitching in to help make Malton a place to call home. A community built by people who care about each other. Come to Ridleybank. Experience true Freedom. ------------------------------------------------------------
"One" (14)
------------------------------------------------------------ Here's food for thought; 'One', a short story by Mallrat: It has been five years since the outbreak, and now I am alone. Once I had friends, family, plans for a future: now I have none of these things. I cannot even afford the luxury of dreams. Only nightmares remain. Nightmares of the never-ending hunt, night and day, merging into a breathless chase, an endless game of fox and hounds. The pack of hunters grows ever-larger: they lust for my blood, ache to see it spilt in the street, long to gorge their shining eyes on my spattered brains. My heart broken, my soul lost, I stagger from safehouse to safehouse, but find neither safety nor a home. The one consolation is that I have nothing left to lose - but I am beyond consolation now. I am the last zombie on Earth, and *they* are coming. ------------------------------------------------------------
MHS 1 2012 version (14)
------------------------------------------------------------ Oftentimes, I am asked 'Why should I join the Resistance?' Well, Malton. Just look around you. The Resistance represents everything that is still decent and good in Malton, from the sunny, barricade-free streets in Ridleybank to the piles of human bodies still burning in the Stanbury Village atrocity zones. You should join, not because you want to be free of the chains binding humanity, but because deep down in your heart, you know that hiding in some barricaded cesspool surrounded by burnt out Christmas lights and teenagers in combat fatigues is not how you wanted to spend your golden years. You should join because you want Malton to be free. Free of hatred. Free of poverty and senseless violence. Free of humans. ------------------------------------------------------------
MHS 6 (14)
------------------------------------------------------------ Several people have asked why Malton, the greatest zombie city in the world, has become a mere shadow of itself. Deep down, we all know what the answer is. It pains us to say it, but we all know it is true: Humanity came. Some of us came to believe that breathers and zombies could coexist peacefully. We believed that we could become one united community, built on the ideas of freedom, truth, and the complete eradication of the human race. And now you see how these breathers have repaid our kindness. They barricade our houses. They trash our streets. They lash out at us with violence. But we are stronger than that. We will bring back what was once great about our city. Happiness, and prosperity will be ours once again, one human life at a time. Malton will be free once again. ------------------------------------------------------------
MHS 9 (14)
------------------------------------------------------------ Yesterday, I came across a young human dying in the streets. His legs and right arm had been torn off by ferals, and he was holding a towel against his limbs to stem the bleeding. As I came up to him, he started crying. I asked him why he was he crying, and he told me that he was crying because he realized that he nothing more to give to the zombie cause. Nothing more to give. As I rolled his broken body off a bridge, I thought more about his final words. How often do we go about our day without giving to others? Can we not learn from this courageous young man, and make it a point in our lives to give back to our perfect, zombie, community? So humans, take a hard look at your meaningless lives, and ask yourself, 'What have I done recently for my local zombie horde? Have I given everything I could possibly give?' ------------------------------------------------------------
MHS 8 (14)
------------------------------------------------------------ Oftentimes, breathers ask what makes Ridleybank the perfect society. The answer is simple, my dear Malton: Community. Everyone here is family. Everyone here has a purpose. From the lowly human awaiting their glorious day of execution to the perfect zombie, everyone here has their place in our great society. In Ridleybank, together, we - both zombies and humans - can build the ideal society. A peaceful society where every need is provided and every citizen can live a long and purposeful existence. Where even breathers can be guaranteed safety and the opportunity to accomplish something great in their short, meaningless lives. You no longer have to be afraid, Malton. You no longer have to fear dying alone. Come to Ridleybank and become part of our community. Experience true freedom. ------------------------------------------------------------
MHS 12 (14)
------------------------------------------------------------ A week ago, a survivor asked me who to contact about collecting the possessions of family members killed while relocating to the peaceful utopia of Ridleybank. Such questions lead me to believe that there are many of you who do not fully understand the society we are building in Ridleybank. To my knowledge, not one breather has ever been harmed while in Ridleybank. And indeed, how could they be, for violence, of any kind, has been banned from the suburb for the better part of a year? We are simply one family, composed of both breathers and zombies, committed to building a better tomorrow. To answer your question, you may want to check Lost and Found. If you're entering Ridleybank from the South, it should be on your left, past the Human Liquidation Factories, but before the electric cages. ------------------------------------------------------------
MHS 13 (14)
------------------------------------------------------------ Revive. We have all heard the dangers of this abusive drug. Indeed, it is hard to believe that even in our perfect, peaceful utopia, there are some who are still addicted to this life-destroying substance. But how can we protect our children, our families, and ourselves from this terrible drug? The answer, dear listeners, is through education and eternal vigilance. Warn your children about revive. Teach them to recognize its harmful effects before it is too late. Kill breathers before they have a chance to stick you. Humans understand this. They know that painful, excruciating death is merely a transitional state from pointless existence to perfect understanding of unlife in Malton. But we can fight this epidemic. Together we can ensure the continuing existence of our perfect society in Ridleybank. ------------------------------------------------------------
MHS 11 (15)
------------------------------------------------------------ Recently, I have received complaints from humans relocating to central Malton that the Greater Ridleybank area is not the perfect, peaceful utopia that has been promised. Patience, my soon-to-be-killed cattle. Patience. Not every breather can adjust right away to life in Ridleybank, where humans are nothing more than a nuisance to be crushed under our feet. Like many things in life, you will have to work a little before you can experience the greatness that is occupied, downtown Malton. And like most things, I think you will find that your hard work will be rewarded with acceptance into a community that loves each and every one of you. Eternal happiness. Safety. The ideal place to raise a family (from the dead). All this and more can be yours once you join our perfect, peaceful society here in Ridleybank. We look forward to you becoming part of our family. ------------------------------------------------------------
MHS 14 (15)
------------------------------------------------------------ Someone asked me recently if there were any plans to start up zombie communities outside of Greater Ridleybank. Believe me, dear listeners, nothing would make us happier than to consolidate Malton underneath our peaceful, perfect community. But humans and zombies must be willing to embrace change. Peaceful zombie/breather cohabitation will never be possible until humans can accept being chained in electric cages, gloriously awaiting the day of their execution, when they can finally leave their meaningless existence behind and enter our perfect family. But we will try our best, Malton. We will try to unite this war-divided land, and bring hope to all areas of Malton. In the meantime, be patient and prepare yourselves for the coming day, when you too may be welcomed into our perfect little society. Be patient and prepare yourselves for the great journey. ------------------------------------------------------------
MHS 17 (15)
------------------------------------------------------------ For those of you who have yet to join our perfect community, I ask that you consider the following. When is the last time that you slept without fear? Malton is a city full of dangers, where you could be killed at any moment. It is in recognition of this danger that led many of us to create a new community for those tired of living in fear in Malton. A place where zombies and humans could live together, work together, and grow old together. A place built on the foundations of peace, where nothing is taken for granted and where everything -- tools, water, human body parts -- are shared freely by community members who call each other 'family.' We call this perfect society 'Ridleybank.' We hope that you will call it 'Home.' Come to central Malton and experience a different manner of existence. Come to Ridleybank and sleep soundly for the first time. ------------------------------------------------------------
MHS 3 (16)
------------------------------------------------------------ I feel that there is a grave misunderstanding regarding the place of breathers in our great zombie society. Many of you have expressed concern that butchering every living man, woman and child goes against the very ideals of our peaceful culture. Nothing could farther from the truth, Malton. Breathers are given every liberty and freedom in our great city. They are provided food, shelter, and healthcare. They are given every resource to succeed in life, from job placement services to free education for their children. One of the happiest days for any breather is Graduation Day, where proud parents can watch as their children receive their diploma, get their photo taken beside the Great Petroskjo Statue, before being ground up in a block-wide, industrial grinder. Remember Malton, we will always be judged based on how we treat the least among us. Remember Malton, we kill you because we love you. ------------------------------------------------------------
MHS 5 (16)
------------------------------------------------------------ Look around you, survivors. How many of you have children? Do any of them really enjoy spending all day trapped inside a barricade, a death-trap? How many of them will grow up to be a productive member of our great, zombie society? The answer is all of them, Malton. But only if we work together. We must put aside our differences -- Zombie and Human -- and focus on the future. And your children are our future. Without healthy, human children, we will starve. Without healthy, human children, we will be forced to hunt the rest of you, rather than relying on the selective, scheduled harvesting of your ripened children. Imagine, your children. Fulfilling the great human dream: to serve as fodder for our growing armies. It is a role that any good parent would be proud to have their child take part in. Survivors of Malton, if we work together, we will rebuild this city of ours. If we work together, we will make Malton great once again. ------------------------------------------------------------
MHS 30 (16)
------------------------------------------------------------ Today a child asked me a question that I would like to share with all of you. She asked me, 'If zombies represent the pinnacle of human evolution, why would anyone want to be revived? Why would they choose to become a lower lifeform?' A difficult question, and one that I have struggled with many times to answer. Sometimes humans do things that defy all expectations: Combat reviving brain-rotters. Dam tactics. Sleeping in Ridleybank. Sometimes they are overwhelmed by the perfection that comes with being a zombie, and for whatever misguided reason, they miss spending every waking moment of their day in a crowded safehouse, barricading while whistling 'Daisy Bell.' In truth, Malton, I have given up trying to understand the primitive human mind. I do not know what would drive someone to give up this perfect life in Utopia, a life that you, I, and every zombie enjoys in Ridleybank and elsewhere. ------------------------------------------------------------
MHS 16 (16)
------------------------------------------------------------ A few days ago, an elderly woman asked me what the best things to take when relocating to Ridleybank are. This is a good question, and one we get frequently. Even though Ridleybank represents the penultimate, perfect utopia, and has everything a zombie and a zombie-food source could ever want, we still advise breathers moving to the area to bring along a few things to help their integration into our perfect society. Babies. Defenseless, elderly family members. Maps, directions, and floor plans of nearby safehouses. All these are things that will help make your life more comfortable as you begin the glorious transition from a life of emptiness to one full of opportunity and harmony. Rest assured Malton, we will be there to help you along this beautiful path that you have chosen. In Ridleybank, you will never be alone. In our family, you will be protected. In our family, you will never sleep in fear. ------------------------------------------------------------
MHS 19 (16)
------------------------------------------------------------ Let us all take a moment to remember the great day when Papa Petrosjko was inspired to open the gates of Ridleybank and create a community where zombies and breathers could live together in harmony. And let us recall the sacrifices we have all made to achieve this perfect utopia: The sweat and labor needed to erect the Moggridge family slave pens. And the hundreds of breathers we lost the first winter, before we learned the secrets of sustainable human resource management. But let us also be reminded of our achievements. Of what makes our community so great, why it was worth the years of sacrfice to bring together all these zombies and breathers: The construction of the great Petrosjko statue, built with the bones of breathers ecstatic to know they have accomplished more in death than ever in life. Father/Daughter human massacre day. This is why Ridleybank is special, Malton. This is what you are missing. ------------------------------------------------------------
Lechon Harman (17)
------------------------------------------------------------ Today we'll learn Lechon Harman, a recipe by Thanatologist. Roasting harmanz is a very old and common zombie practice. With this recipe, you'll find that your roast harman will never taste the same again. Barhah! INGREDIENTS: 1 young harman, some salt, black pepper, and soy sauce; For the stuffing, use 5-10 bundles of lemon grass, 20 pieces peeled bananas or taro, and 5 mashed bra!nz. 1) Clean and prepare the harman by removing innards, washing and scraping innards and the body. Rinse and allow to drain. 2) Rub with salt and pepper inside and out. 3) Rub soy sauce on the skin of the harman. 4) Stuff the belly of the harman with the lemon grass, bananas/taro, and mashed bra!nz. Sew the harman to close it. 5) Skewer the harman and split roast it over live charcoal or under a live fire. Roast until a crisp red color. 6) Serve dish. If a dipping sauce is desired, vinegar with scallions, pepper, and blood may be served along with it. ------------------------------------------------------------
MHS 15 (17)
------------------------------------------------------------ Several of you have written to ask about the great journey we are planning to take with all humans in Malton. I wish I could tell you Malton, I really do. But it has to be experienced. Rest assured, humans, it will change your life forever. Sickness. Poverty. Fighting. Hatred. If you are willing to take the next step and join us, you will never encounter these things again. You will never have to experience the pain of watching a loved one being disemboweled in front of you ever again. Leave your old life behind, come to Ridleybank and experience perfection. Join us as we travel together into blissful harmony. That is what we offer Malton, to those courageous enough to join our family. A chance to be a part of a community. A chance to be in Utopia. But the path will not be easy. You will face many obstacles on your journey from ignorant breather to mangled corpse to purified zombie. But for the faithful, the reward cannot be measured. Ridleybank. The dream can be yours. ------------------------------------------------------------
MHS 23 (17)
------------------------------------------------------------ Let me ask you something, humans. Isn't about time that you were rewarded for all your hard work? Isn't about time for you to get your slice of the Great Maltonian Dream? Then come to Ridleybank, and experience everything that is perfect and wonderful in Malton. In Ridleybank, we have made something more than a suburb. We have constructed the perfect zombie-human utopia, a place to raise a family, chase your fears away and finally experience life as it was meant to be. And it has never been a better time than now to call Ridleybank home. For the next year, we anticipate new openings for hardworking, industrious humans to become part of our cherished family. Even more exciting, all immigrating families are eligible for our first-time indoctrination program, at half the cost. Those are real savings for real, hardworking, Maltonian families. But only if you act now. Opportunity is knocking Malton. Come claim your own piece of utopia before it is too late. ------------------------------------------------------------
MHS 26 (17)
------------------------------------------------------------ Many of you have written to ask me if the Resistance is so great, then why is there still death and suffering in Malton? After all, how can we live in perfect bliss here in Ridleybank when so many humans outside of our little utopia suffer so greatly? I must admit Malton, that as I walk around Ridleybank, I do feel guilty sometimes knowing that there are humans out there who have never experienced the soothing comfort of a shock collar. Change is coming Malton. But we can't do it alone. Even an organization as great and perfect as the RRF needs your help. Write your leaders, humans. Tell them how much you hate barricading, profile-changing, and DNA scanning every day. Tell them you want to change. Tell them you want to embrace the peaceful bliss of zombie eternity. Humans and zombies, it is time for us to march forward together, toward a perfect, peaceful society. It is time for us to kill every last human remaining in Malton. Only then can we be free. ------------------------------------------------------------
Anti-Life Cultist Story (18)
------------------------------------------------------------ Guess what time it is! Zombie Story Time! A young child, Gragh, begins acquiring plenty of flesh. Her brother, Zmazharh, asks her where she's getting it from. Gragh said 'I have got it from a strange zombie. But don't tell mother! The zombie strictly forbade me to do so!' Zmazharh is curious, so they agree to go together. When they arrive, the zombie wants them to go with him. Zmazharh hesitates -- Zmazharh thinks: What does this zombie want of us? Why should we go with him? A great fear came over him. 'You're a life cultist!', he shouts, and, seizing his little sister, he lurches off as fast as his rotting legs will carry him. At the corner of the street he meets an experienced feral. Zmazharh quickly rattles his woeful story. The feral soon searches out and mauls the evil life cultist. He tears off his face and waits for him to die. At home, there is great rejoicing. Zmazharh and Gragh's mother drags to them their favorite dish: Vitreous Humor. ------------------------------------------------------------
MHS 20 (18)
------------------------------------------------------------ Some of you have asked what makes Ridleybank so special. What is it about Ridleybank that inspires a group of humans and zombies to come together, and dare to accomplish the impossible? Is it the water? The air? The answer, my friends, is love. We invite humans to our perfect, beautiful suburb because we love them, and we know, deep down, as they are slowly roasting in our walk-in ovens, that they love us as well. We allow our children to play together because we love them, and we know, deep down, as our perfect zombie children slaughter the weaker members of our family, that they too will come to love what we are building here. Love brings us together, inspires us create an even bigger and better society, and convinces us to do great things with the humans bold enough to call Ridleybank home. With love, there is nothing we can't do. With love, there is no limit to the amount of humans we can slaughter each day in our perfect world. So ask yourself, 'Don't I need a little more love in my life?' and come join our little paradise in Malton. ------------------------------------------------------------
MHS 24 (18)
------------------------------------------------------------ It's not an easy thing to talk about sometimes. But I feel it is my duty, as someone who believes in Malton and everything it stands for, to bring this up. Tell me, humans. Have you considered supplemental life insurance? Funeral expenses are higher now then ever, and while Ridleybank boasts the lowest crime and death rate in Malton, accidents can happen, even here in Utopia. Who is going to feed your family should the unthinkable happen, and you are dragged away screaming in the night? Who will pay for your funeral, after we dump your lifeless body into our fertilizer processing plant? This is why we encourage all new immigrants to Ridleybank to purchase supplemental protection should something -- Petroskjo forbid -- happen. If nothing else, you will be buying a little peace of mind. Joining our community is a significant investment, one that will task your time, financial resources, and very life. Shouldn't that investment be safeguarded for future generations to enjoy? ------------------------------------------------------------
MHS 22 (19)
------------------------------------------------------------ Now let me tell you something that has left me deeply concerned about the future of our Great City. Yesterday I was walking around Greater Ridleybank when I came across a group of ferals massacring a human family trapped inside a van. Even now, I can remember their screams, their cries of terror as their loved ones died around them. And that's when I saw it on the ground. A crushed soda can. Litter. In my Ridleybank. Is this how the humans repay our never-ending kindness? With trash? I am concerned Malton. I am concerned about tomorrow. I am concerned that our children will not be able to experience the joys of shambling outside, enjoying the clean air and pristine scenery of our perfect Ridleybank utopia. Ridleybank has given so much to us, and it asks for so little. We must all do our part -- both humans and zombies -- in ensuring that what makes this place so special is passed on to future generations. We must take care of what we have inherited from our zombie fathers and mothers, and our freeze-dried human snacks. Let's keep Malton clean. Let's preserve our future. ------------------------------------------------------------
MHS 25 (19)
------------------------------------------------------------ I am thankful today, Malton. Do you know why? I am thankful that I live here, in Ridleybank, where I am surrounded by like-minded humans and zombies who understand what it means to build a community. These have been desperate times for our Great City. We all know someone who has been hit hard by the faltering economy, and we all know friends and families who have struggled to make ends meet. But we have been lucky here in Ridleybank. Last year, when thousands starved around us, we feasted on the remains of humans all too happy to give their life to help us achieve our dreams. We have endured when others have faltered. We have weathered the storm. And, now, it is time for us to give back to the city that has done so much for us. We will rebuild what has been destroyed this last year. We will reach out to those suburbs less fortunate, and help them discover the accomplishments that can happen when zombies and humans decide to work together. From this day forward, no zombie will go hungry again, and no human will breathe again. Be patient Malton. Together we will make you Great once again. ------------------------------------------------------------
MHS 28 (19)
------------------------------------------------------------ Several days ago, I was asked if the policies of RRF regarding human cattle violated the Geneva conventions. We are asked this a lot, and in my experience, it is a pretty common misunderstanding. The RRF is not at war. We never have been at war. We have never engaged in a single, hostile act against our human neighbors, whom we have come to both respect and cherish. We have been, and always will be, a force of peace in Malton. We are here not to create strife, but to bridge communities and shelter humans from those who seek to destroy them. We are here to promote a new era of understanding and cooperation between humans and their ruthless zombie overlords. Prisoners? Captives? Refugees? These words have no meaning here in Ridleybank because we see humans as our equals. So Malton, over the coming weeks when our roving Death Squads enter your home suburbs in order to purge all human life from your streets, please welcome them. Welcome them with open arms because they are ambassadors of peace. Do not run. Do not be scared. We are here to build a better tomorrow. ------------------------------------------------------------
MHS 18 (22)
------------------------------------------------------------ Today a child called me a hypocrite, and said that my promises of a utopia in Ridleybank were nothing more than a lie. I regret that I was unable to answer him before members of our great, Ridleybank family ripped him apart limb from limb, but I would like to address that here. Ridleybank has been called many things in the past. 'The Great Zombie Homeland'. 'Birthplace of the RRF'. 'The Land where Humans go to die'. It is true that at one time, breathers were hunted to extinction here. It is true that at one time, roving warbands of zombies would train here, before leaving to slaughter humans in the neighboring suburbs. None of that is true today. It makes me sad that a child, one little child, could be so full of hatred that he would tell such a terrible lie. And after all the kindness we have shown him and his family. In Ridleybank, you will be given shelter and food. You will be given the opportunity to turn your life around, and to achieve the greatness that is in all of us. Only by coming to Ridleybank, can you unlock your secret, hidden desire to be chained to a pole before being gutted in some ritualistic feeding frenzy. Here, we are family, from the lowly breather to the mighty zombie. Here, we are a single, unified community. ------------------------------------------------------------
A Gift (22)
------------------------------------------------------------ Let's hear ''A Gift'', a short story penned by Rosslessness: The meeting of two roads. There is a man here, I can smell his fear. He waves something he holds at another of us. Several loud noises and the target falls. Still the man circles, a succession of noises. They stop as suddenly as they had begun, replaced by a clicking. It is the first man I have seen in a long time. I approach slowly, a line of abandoned cars between me and him. He is very thin, and dressed all in green. A wild beard hides his face. He fails to realise I am there until my hand touches his shoulder. By then it is too late. My vision fills with hatred and anger and blood. We fall together, his frantic movements slowing, until there is only stillness. I stay there for what seems an age, stripping my prize, cracking long bones and shredding flesh. By the time I am done there are others here, picking the man clean, removing all traces. It seems strange to me looking at this man's own kill. Why did he kill the other? Why did he leave its flesh untouched? Then I notice the gift. Sticking out of my chest is a piece of metal, long and thin. Clumsily I pull it out, leaving a ragged hole. It seems to fit my hand perfectly. Without realising it, I begin walking west. Behind me others follow. They move slowly, without a sound. Leaving nothing behind. ------------------------------------------------------------
MHS 7 (23)
------------------------------------------------------------ Today a young mother in her holding cell asked me how Malton came under zombie control. She even went as far to suggest that our glorious rise to ultimate power was built on pointless genocide and that the zombie takeover went against everything that is good about humanity. Nothing could be farther from the truth, Malton. The zombies are in power because YOU wanted them. We are in control because YOU, the great people of this great city decided that YOU wanted CHANGE. That YOU wanted HOPE. A reason to de-barricade your doors once again. And we have answered the call Malton. We have reduced survivor overcrowding. We have brought peace back to our fair city. With mass graves now located around the city, we have discovered ample biomass for our power stations. But, if the day comes when the remaining breathers of Malton who have not yet been exterminated decide that they want to be in charge for a change, well, we will do the right thing. We will stand aside and let them have a say in the final days of their meaningless lives. Because we believe in Democracy. In Freedom. In Truth. In the ruthless dictatorship of our perfect zombie leaders. In the desire to kill every breather who dares to oppose our benevolent, perfect rule. That is the Malton Way. That is our future. ------------------------------------------------------------
Pequileat Surprise (30)
------------------------------------------------------------ Today we learn Pequileat Surprise, a recipe by Penguinpyro. A zesty dish, incorporating tequila and pie to make normally disgusting varieties of harmanz palatable. Survivors and zombies of all factions can enjoy this wonderful mash. INGREDIENTS: 1 living zab-harman (sub-human). Could be a zerger, text rapist, trenchcoater, zergcoater, or trenchrapist. Do not use zergrapists in this recipe. 3/4 cups of Tequila. 1 baked 12" single crust pie shell. 1/2 sliced banana. 4 teaspoons salt. 2 tablespoons sugar. 10 ounces of condensed milk. 3 egg yolks. Mixed seasonings. TOOLS: Carving knife or zombie claws. Crowbar, if survivor. PREPARATION: 1) Non-lethally subdue the zab-harman. Banana Gang Bang is optional but strongly recommended for additional tenderization. Do not use the ingredient banana. 2) Sprinkle salt onto the zab-harman. Disregard screams. 3) Begin rendering the zab-harman into raw harmanbargahrz, using zombie claws or crowbar. Pulverize for 1 man-hour. 4) Use knife/claws to remove bones and brain. Continue mashing until finely ground. Drain blood and fluids. 5) If you are a survivor, create a fire. Cook harmanbargarhz for 1 hour or until ready. Zombies may skip this step. 6) Season the harmanbargahrz as appropriate. 7) Place cooked harmanbargahrz into pie crust, fitting as much as possible in until 3/4 of the pie is filled. Only a fraction of the zab-harman will be used. Save the remains. 8) Mix milk, salt, sugar, tequila, and eggs. Pour into pie. 9) Survivors, cook pie over the fire until golden brown. 10) Top off pie with sliced banana and leftover brains. 11) Make offerings to Barhah using the leftover remains. This recipe makes one pie, which serves four. Enjoy. ------------------------------------------------------------
MHS Main 0707 left (37)
------------------------------------------------------------ Today's broadcast begins with a question and hopefully closes with an answer to yourself and to the just and burning spirits of truth, rationality and Barhah. I pose, to those minute, warm-blooded communities who huddle, fruitlessly, against the a-shivering cold and dark of the Maltonian winter within the glorious gray borders of our Ridleybank, this inquiry: Why do you claw against the lid of your own coffins? Why is it you continue this utterly hopeless struggle against the will of the Horde? Just as the black fog of winter wraps his icy claws around each building, each concrete monument, each tomb of Malton's hideous, harman past, so will the fist of the horde throttle every last remnant of harmanity. Each day, my respiring friends, you struggle against the unstoppable wave that is the Horde, against the cold, against sickness, starvation and even each other! Why not embrace the warm, orgastic release of death? Life is fleeting, a moment lost in a stream moments, but death is eternal! Find solace in that. After all, you are all so near the precipice. Is this life you struggle in? Or is it survival? What oasis is found in survival? Mad, militant survivalists, the overbearing arrogance of Necrotech researchers, the very who laid this brave new world upon you, the predatory former-police, wicked, abusive dogs now unchained of responsibility: these are the overlords of your shadow of a life. The horde offers you unlife, free of fear, of want for the illusory and unattainable, free to be, wholly, one's self. There is no race amongst the Horde, that mercurial and baseless wall harmanz place between themselves and their own brothers and sisters. Nor ethnicity, nor nationality, nor religion, nor class nor any of the more material concepts exist within the Horde. You exist only as one of the zetheren, one unique drop within the sea of the Horde. Only when you realize our sameness can you embrace your individuality. Life, harmanity, creates nothing but barriers... barricades to our own self-realization! Join us, and together we can tear down these barricades to ourselves! ------------------------------------------------------------
Spoken
to breathers
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's kinda depressing that zombies can cuddle together to keep warm, and us ratty survivors shoot each other in the face if we get as close as two feet. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
