The Malton Observer/120708
Malton Observer: December 7th, 2008
The Malton Observer would like to thank its sponsors:
- The Umbrella Biohazard Containment Service - Totally not derivative and unoriginal!
| News at a Glance |
| The end to all DEMON complaints forever! |
| We are all gonna die! |
| A bounty hunter shares his thoughts. |
| The first installment of a new MO series! |
| Whatever That Means! |
| Fun Corner |
News at a Glance
- The Malton Observer's editor reappears! - Few notice.
- Malton Uprising Dissolves - The MU dissolves exactly one month after people stop caring.
- Blanemcc Declares War on War - Thousands of survivors' heads explode.
- Malton Turns Red - We are all gonna die!
- No One Remembered the Fifth of November - Attempt to reclaim the Blackmore Building an abysmal failure.
- My Milkshake Brings all the Boys to the Yard - And they're like, it's better than yours.
- DEM and Bounty Hunters on Notice - The CGR doesn't like us!
- The Imperium Embarks on a Crusade -
MuslimsZombies, beware!
RG Cuts Ties to DEMON
In a stirring press release on the 18th of November, non-DEM admin Ashate stated, "And with the triumphant return of my fine motor skills, the RG-DEMON link has been cut per previous discussion," formally cutting all ties between the DEM and Rouges Gallery, ending all criticisms of DEMON forever. Ashate's announcement was met with jubilant celebration in the streets of Malton as a portion of the survivors who had complained about the IMP satellite network's recording the name and location of known murderers in the RG database, as well as on the DEMON database. As many readers may already know, DEMON is a useful tool available to DEM member groups and partners that allows for the storage of scouting information in a single visual database, a task made easier by the IMP tool. Before this stirring development, Members of DEM groups using IMP would be reporting the locations of known killers to the Rouges Gallery (in addition to important barricade information and zombie numbers) as they went about their daily routines. After distancing themselves from the DEM for some time, the RG mods finally severed this link to make it clear that the Rouges Gallery is completely separate from the DEM, a fact that has caused much confusion amongst survivors in the past.
Less than two weeks after Ashate issued this statement, Headless Gunner of the Creedy Guerrilla Raiders, a group that periodically changes the oppressors against whom they rebel, publicly declared that the CGR has developed "several innovative technological programs" that "have been implemented" to help their efforts to kill Bounty Hunters and members of DEM groups. Karloth Vois, the leader and frequent target of the quirky group of killers known as Red Rum, raised a concerning question: "Would this "Technological innovation" be... a scouter, perchaps?" Evidently, the CGR has developed a scouting tool to help them more easily kill DEM cadets just as DEMON's ties to the RG are cut, and murderers suck at keeping secrets. Does the DEM have anything to worry about? Probably not.
--William Told
Malton: Not Safe
To survivors, Malton is like a beautiful woman: Sometimes a red visitor comes to town, and she turns into a crazy bitch. Naturally, I'm referring to Malton's danger map, not menstrual blood. Suburbs all over Malton have fallen into ruin, and zombie hordes have celebrated this living buffet with gusto. With more than half of Malton listed as either very dangerous or deserted, many denizens of Malton have organized to help fight back against the hordes:
The Imperium of Man, led by Garviel Loken, is organizing the Northeastern Crusade. Hoping to help repair the infrastructure of the Northeast and write over-lengthy explanations of their purpose, the Northeastern Crusade launched their campaign this past November. They immediately set to work altering posters in Photoshop to support their cause and "liberating" Shearbank. The Crusade also consists of FOXHOUND, the U.B.C.S., Death's Minions, and the Umbrella Corporation. Trenchcoats will be supplied upon entrance into this coalition.
Blanemcc of the murderous group known as the Browncoats has called for a ceasefire between PKers and bounty hunters, declaring that the Northern Regiment is being revived and the Browncoats will be aiding survivors. While bounty hunters said, "Sure," most PKers laughed in his face. Blanemcc is now definitely not a PKer. Why not join the Northeastern Crusade? Blanemcc said, "Garviel Loken has already asked that we band together, but quite frankly, he has no idea how to lead a mobile task force of various groups, and I'm pretty sure he doesn;t know anything about the guerilla warfare that survivors will have to employ while retaking the city," demonstrating that he does not know how to spell the word "guerrilla" to this reporter's great amusement.
Headless Gunner of the Creedy Guerrilla Raiders, who do not actually raid Fort Creedy, has announced that the CGR is actively working with local survivors to secure the suburb of Pitneybank. Furthermore, he declared that they will murder any bounty hunter or member of a DEM group who steps foot in the aforementioned suburb, in addition to any PKers who kill people they don't want them to kill. Headless also stated that they will continue to move outside the suburb and kill anyone they want. I repeat: Headless Gunner is a loony douchebag. The CGR has not commented on the fact that the Creedy Defense Force, the CGR's principle ally in Pitneybank, is a friend and ally of the DEM. Presumably, this fact has not been considered.
Malton's been acting a little kooky over the past couple days. You're afraid for your life and keep finding red stains everywhere. Don't worry: You can weather this storm with a little perseverance and a lot of chocolate. Women love chocolate.
--William Told
Quis Custodiet: The Watchman's Journal
As a bounty hunter, I've had some pretty interesting experiences on duty. I had been killed by zombies on one recent occasion, so I went to the nearest revive point. I wasn't surprised to see some PKers there (you see, I add PKers to my contacts list to make it easier to hunt them down), including one I'd claimed two bounties on.
I've waited at revive points alongside PKers I've killed before, and most of them pay no attention to me; but this PKer, who I won't name in this article as a courtesy, wasn't one of them. He told me to leave the suburb and then he shot me. It wasn't the first time I was killed at a revive point, so I shrugged it off and stayed there... so he killed me 2 more times.
I had waited there for days, and I wanted to start hunting down PKers again, so then I decided I was just going to move to another revive point close by. I didn't see the PKer again, but that didnt' mean he (or one of his friends) didn't come. In fact, after I waited for a day without being revived, I found a message at the revive point. It said:
"DO NOT REVIVE ****** (id=*******) HE SMELLS"
I had no idea who sprayed the message, but it was most likely someone I killed before. Believe it or not, I was amused by it and had a good laugh. It wasn't going to help me get a fast revive, so I decided to move to a place where people didn't care about the way I smelled. Once again, I was awaiting revivification alongside PKers, including some more I'd killed before.
One PKer I once killed was revived first, and I was expecting him to shoot me. It would have been no surprise if he did, seeing as how the other PKer killed me multiple times at a revive point. Before that, I've had one come up to me at a revive point just to insult me, so what were the odds something like that would happen again? Now, this is where another first occurs.
He said, "To make up for some of the headshots," then he revived me. I wasn't expecting that at all. I was happy to get a revive so quickly, but I never thought a career PKer I claimed a bounty on would give it to me. Well, like they say, there's a first for everything, and here are 2 experiences I've had for the first time in my bounty hunting career that are interesting to say the least.
--Watchman
Memories of an MCDU Veteran
See, when I joined the MCDU; it was in the aftermath of Caiger III. We'd lost Caiger, shacknews was marching triumphantly forward, and I was distraught. I'd heard about Caiger: how it was a great moment in our history. I suppose I wanted to be part of that legacy- Like the young men who go off to war because their fathers did I suppose in a sort of way.
Caiger was chaos during the third siege, survivors killed each other in droves, it seemed like at least 10 to 20 a day died from each other, while the zombies pounding down the cades regularly killed at least 20 or so per day.
It was chaos, the generators were destroyed with alarming frequency- it wasn't uncommon for a genny to last 2 hours on average per day before it was destroyed and subsequently replaced.
The Death Cult Action was what made it so hard, the zombies weren't just outside hammering away at the cades and making vulgar remarks. They were in your safehouse breaking the generators, killing the people who revived them, and broadcasting demoralizing messages constantly; they were overbarrciading buildings; they were tagging messages of despair on buildings... but there was hope...
--to be continued
--Ferrum Leo
Whatever That Means!
A Q&A column with the Chardon siblings. Got a question? askachardon@gmail.com Drop us a line!
Fun Corner
It is the sad duty of the editor of the Malton Observer to inform the public that the two staff members in charge of the Fun Corner were eaten by bears and could not submit anything by the deadline.
