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Environmental Groups Call for an End to "Slash and Burp" Harvesting
"We must think of the future," Say Preservationists. "What will our children eat?"
Editor's Note: The below article references the beginning of a sharp decline in the survivor-zombie ratio during 2005-2006, from a high of 73-27 during the Stanstock stike, to 50:50 by the time Ransack is introduced.
RIDLEYBANK - In a press conference Tuesday, Malton Harman Preservation Society President Magga Marhah called for an end to the recent surge in "Slash and Burp" harman harvesting, pointing to a sharp decline in wild Malton harmanz.
"I was born and raised in Ridleybank," said Marhah."I remember gazing out of my bedroom window every morning and seeing the wild harman enjoying hide and seek with neighborhood zombies, even playing that silly "FAK" game that they enjoy so much. This used to be a place where a zombie could enjoy the fresh, clean outdoor air, watch the harmanz in their natural environment. and perhaps even have a snack every now and then."
"Now look at Ridleybank, Roftwood, Stanbury Village and the rest of Central Malton. I haven't seen a wild harman in weeks," said a visibly concerned Marhah. "Slash and burp harvesting has decimated the harman population in Malton, almost to the point where we have to start thinking of our children and grandchildren. What resources will be left for them? Shouldn't they be able to experience the joy of following a scent trail, breaking down a safehouse and feasting on the two terrified harmanz within? We must practice ecological harman management before it is too late."
The suburb of Stanbury Village, now a barren wasteland after "slash and burp" harvesting completed devastated the region.
Marhah charged that "slash and burp" groups do not appreciate the effects of "slash and burp" harvesting on local populations and warned that in many cases, reharmanization in slashed and burped suburbs was failing to bring harman numbers up to sustainable levels.
"It used to be that zombie corporations and hordes would practice selective harvesting in Malton. Only the main resource buildings in a suburb would be targeted, and those survivors would either be eaten or sent back to processing centers for packaging and distribution to markets," said Marhah. "With selective harvesting, the suburb is allowed to recover for future harvests. Harmanz levels would drop slightly in the selective harvested suburb, but not to the point where re-population is impossible. With "Slash and burp" harvesting, the area is never given a chance to recover. Every safehouse is shattered and every resident is put to the claw."
Recent studies from other Malton Environment groups support some of Marhah's claims, with some surveys suggesting that Malton harmanz could face complete extinction within a few months. A recent research expedition by the Roachtown Club into the previously pristine suburbs of Yagoton and Shearbank have revealed only barren wastelands, completely devoid of harman life. Locketside, once known for its diverse and teeming harman population, has been reported by some groups to have been completely overhunted by marauding hordes.
A Malton Harmanz Preservation Society report suggesting that survivor numbers are in sharp decline
"We are alarmed at the recent crash in survivor numbers all over Malton. Particularly hard hit appear to be Mall Rats, a humans species that nests in the various malls around Malton," said Jim Rarhah. "Seven mall habitats have been completed destroyed, with Mall Rat deaths numbering in the thousands. We are talking about a very fragile ecosystem, and a very fragile species that spends the majority of its time searching through stores, accusing each other of player killing and/or spying, and panicking about barricade levels. Without their natural habitat, how can we expect these noble creatures to survive in the wild? Something must be done soon to curb the wholesale slaughter of harmanz and their habitats through "slash and burp" harvesting."
One zombie totally not buying into the "harmanz hugging" filthy-dirty, hippy nonsense
However, not all zombie hordes are convinced that the recent decrease in survivor numbers is a problem, and accuse Malton environmental groups of exaggerating the problem to advance their own "liberal zombie agenda."
"Slash and burp harvesting is a myth. The Malton Harman Preservation Society would have you believe that survivors in Malton are nearly extinct when in fact there are currently more survivors than zombies," said BloodFear Vice President Tina Gragh, picking bits of femur from her teeth."The reality is that there are plenty of pristine suburbs in Malton, and as a corporation, we owe it to our shareholders to put brains in their pockets. So what if we clear one suburb? We just move on to the next. We will never run out of harmanz in Malton."
"Besides, it will be a cold day in hell when a harman-hugging dirty environmental hippy convinces me to "selectively harvest" a suburb full of juicy, sweet brains, said Gragh.
"Screw that."
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Nichols Harmanz Exhibit And Petting Zoo Open
Editor's Note: See Pwotters, an historic zombie group that terrorized Stanbury Village during much of 2005-2006, for more detail.
STANBURY VILLAGE - At a press conference on Thursday, Pwotter officials announced that the long awaited Nichols Harmanz Exhibit and Petting Zoo was finally open.
"Today is a great day Stanbury Villagers," said one Pwotter official. "Today we are proud to open the Nichols Harmanz Exhibit and Petting Zoo, the first of its kind. Now zombies of all ages will finally be to see and experience what life as a cowering, shivering survivor actually is like. Now zombies will finally be able to experience the thrill of the hunt in a controlled environment and get a close glimpse of an actual harman."
The idea for the exhibit began earlier this month once zombie officials realized that wild harmanz were nearly extinct in Stanbury Village, Ridleybank, Ketchelbank, Pimbank, and surrounding suburbs. Concerned about overhunting and encouraged by Harmanz Preservation groups, Pwotter officials turned the eyes toward formerly devastated Nichols Mall, and saw a facility that could educate as well as entertain.
Insignia of the Pwotters, liberators of Stanbury Village, and defenders of truth, justice, and the belief that Stanbury Village survivors better get used to their new role in Malton: digesting slowly in a zombie's stomach.
"We see the new Nichols Exhibit primarily as an educational experience for zombies. Inside the Exhibit, feral zombies will be able to learn about the backword and uncivilized harman culture," said one leading Pwotter official.
"We think feral zombies will get a real kick at the period exhibits which allow our younglings to glimpse the once diverse harmanz species."
Pwotter officials then went on to describe the new facility, featuring dedicated display areas containing captured harmanz such as Harmanz Hillbilly Hills, Retro 80s Mall Rats, Heavily Barricaded and Scared-Shitless Survivors, Harmanz Office Lackeys, and the eagerly awaited Mensa Club Exhibit. Besides the display areas, the new facility also contains a Harmanz Petting Zoo for zombie youngsters and a Mall Massacre Simulator for those zombies nostalgic about hunting down and killing poor, defenseless harmanz.
"The Massacre Simulator is perhaps what we are most excited about," said one exhibit planner."With the simulator, groups of zombies can experience a siege firsthand, including tearing down the barricades, getting shot by strung out survivors, and anklegrabbing towards sweet,sweet victory. Our barricade bots make it challenging but the prize inside, over two hundred scared actual survivors, is sure to be a big hit with feral zombies. We have secured a special long term deal with a breeding center outside Malton to ensure that the Simulator is always well packed with pathetic but oh-so-tasty survivors."
The Malton H&S reports that large crowds of ferals and Pwotters have started forming outside the Nichols facility, anxious for a chance to glimpse, pet, and eat an actual harman.
"We think its important to educate zombies in Malton about their past. The new Nichols exhibit allows zombies to learn about past battles against harmanz, as well as to understand what it is like to be a strung out survivor on revive," said one exhibit official. "But it also entertains We think the new Mall Massacre Experience and petting zoos give ferals zombies the experience of a lifetime: a chance to hunt down and eat another poor, pathetic survivor."
The Nichols Exhibit will be open twenty fours a day, seven days a week. Reservations for tours are encouraged but not required.
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