Current Issue
NEVAR FORGET News
- Stingrays Sentenced to Death
- After nearly two years the stingrays behind Prophet Steve Irwin's death have been brought to justice. The Malton War Crimes Trial issued the death penalty to all nine conspirators. They face Death by Flare, a long and painful death.
- Yagoton in Decay
- Today Yagoton is a shell of its former glory. In September 2006, pilgrims from DORIS went to the suburb to pray at Steve Irwin's golden statue. They were shocked to see construction was never completed. After a long and tough battle the pilgrims drove out the squatters and the statue was built. It wasn't until the death of Saddam Hussein that the statue was torn down. A committee has been set up within the DORIS leadership if a new statue should be built, this time with something stronger, like the bones of ophaned children.
- Study Concludes 90% of Women in Malton are Men
- Man Rises From Dead
- In an unconfirmed report the city of Malton has found a man who came back to life after dying. This shocking news is a breakthrough in the science community. Never before has an amazing discovery like this ever been discovered in the history of discoveration. After giving an interview the man was asked what about him made him come back from the dead. The man responded, "Well, I am a Gemini, so I expect the unexpected." He was then promptly struck by an arrow and died.
- "Excuse Me Waiter, But There's No Humor in My Newspaper"
- An investigation has just been launched to settle the rumor that people actually read the Dulston Dispatch. It has been concluded that only members of the Dulston Alliance read it. After reading it, the investigation states, they like to strip down naked, eye each others' packages, then lube up to play some volleyball and high five each other over how awesome they are. Critics claim, "Gayer than Top Gun."
- Scientists Discover Man Living in New Arkham
- What we are bringing you is an unconfirmed report that shakes the very foundations of science that this newspaper is built on. Scientists exploring the uninhabited lands of what the uncivilized natives call "The Arkhams" claim to have found a man living in the suburb. At first the scientists were shocked but then realized that this man must be proof of the myth of life hidden in the backwards, southwest corner of Malton. Tests are being conducted to see how this man lived for so long in New Arkham.
- Dunell Hills Police Department Voted Worst Zombie Group Ever
- After nine months of (un)living as zombies, the city of Malton put forth a referendum asking what the population thinks about the DHPD's attempt at being zombies. In an almost unanimous vote the population believes they aren't doing a very good job. A man from Havercroft commented, "[The DHPD] have been zombies for months now and they just can't seem to get the hang of it. I was part of the Pwotters back in Stanbury Village before I moved to Havercroft and I can tell you they aren't doing a very good job." Most people agree that the DHPD should quit being zombies and go back to being survivors.
Sooper Sekret Special
George Carlin: Honoring a Conspiracy
By now most know that Saint George Carlin of the Populat was silenced to death by Team Zombie Hardcore. What most people do not know that DORIS is not in South Blythville to honor him. One brave spai from Manei Dominatrix worked his way into Canderous Ordo's trust and found information revealing the truth behind the invasion: to trick people...
That is correct. DORIS conspired against South Blythville to cover up another conspiracy. These sooper sekret top plans that everyone knows DORIS hides have not been uncovered yet but we can only imagine what lies beneath all their tales. Our reporter in the field asked various people what they think DORIS is hiding:
"They're hiding the syrup of course." - Alphacruss
"The list of all that died during their Gibsonton invasion...not like it matters because they lost" - Kickashy
"The eighteen and a half minutes of the Watergate tapes...I am not a crook!" - Richard Nixon
"Markie Mark's tighty whities. BALLS TO THE WHALLZ! LOL!11!!" - David Grol
Why You Need Moar DORIS
You need more DORIS because...
- It is a rising meme and if you do not join on the bandwagon all your friends will shun you
- You believe Pluto is better than Mark Whalberg
- You want the voices in your head to go away
- The judge ordered you to after slapping your wife around a bit
- Those sigs are so damn sexy
- You believe that joining will get you good with Amber (she still won't date you)
- You're tired of us killing you
Sig of the Issue
Kibbs was a master of gathering intelligence who joined DORIS in the very beginning to help fight the war in Grigg Heights. His knowledge of the area, aftering fighting the Totes there when he was in the Guns of Brixton, helped DORIS in its goals to bury Pluto's dead body. Kibbs' title is Spooky Undead Assassin of the Populat. His duties as Spooky Undead Assassin include, but not limited to: guiding, gathering intelligence, scaring bad guys, killing people in their sleep, and talking about "the good ol' days".
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Old Issues
The Pluto Press Issue 1
The Editor
Canderous Ordo - Secular Leader of the Populat
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