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HGhHA nHAZMRZ - The News
zHRmbARHARZ HRZR maMNHGHRn: haBBHA anRAHGhARng RAHRNM HGhARnBG RAHRNMMZ ZRHAMNMNHRZM zHAGB bMZHAHGhMZHAn RZhHRNMMNGB BGnHRZM abHRNMHG? BZHRRZHG HGhHA RZZZHRHRBZ HRn HGhHA znn bMZaARn BBHAARn.
Zombies of Malton: have anything you think your fellow Zed brethren should know about? post the scoop on the ZNN Brain vein.
Due to the ongoing aspect of zombie evolution major news stories may be posted in a variety of dialects.
If you find something you aren't able to understand try a translator. These are unable to cope with subtle nuances such as twitching, expelling of bodily gas or the friendly infliction of massive cranial damage that we zombies have come to accept as a valued part of conversing but it's currently the best we can do..
The Maul
ULC RANSHACKED!!! Tonight Gentlemen, We Feast... 3:45GMT
update: just over 12 hours on and all squares are now thoroughly overrun, the fat lady, she sings...
That's not the smell of commerce
Initially started by the Zombies of the Shackhorde, operation Impending DooM3, or Caig3r, seems to be in full effect following the fog of halloween. The finest of zombie mobs from all over the infested cesspool of Malton have joined as comrades and ravenously flail for bharghanz and brainz as one, the resulting stench of which is so beautifully acrid it brings a tear to even the eyes of the harmanz inside the bloated belly of that Mall. Not only attended by the seasoned, it is truly the day of the freelance ferral festerer. In the spirit of barhah, pooling their resources, they too have been able to take delicious advantage of the busy holiday season crowds with the squishy crunching noises and blood-curdeling screams attracting more by the day.
Crack shambling dead flesh squads have been spotted from:
- Shacknews
- The Ridleybank Resistance Front
- Select Hordes of the Big Bash
- The Feral Undead
- Eastonwood Ferals
If you and your zombie compadres are taking part sound off on the ZNN Brain vein and let everyone know your favourite variety of human or techniques for spotting the tastiest brains in a crowd.
BHARGHANZ!!
One of our cunningly disguised infiltration specialists (It's amazing what you can do with three pounds of animal hair and lot of mucus) brings us this exciting report:
"the three and a half finger discount"
In a daring smash n' grab operation the Shacknews horde set their undead feet upon the cold marble floor of Caiger Mall in a calculated raid aimed directly at several specific stores. After feasting upon the greasy brains of many screaming harmanz and filling their arms and miscellaneous crevices with as much loot as they could carry they stopped, swaying slightly, and awaited the inevitable headshot + drag to curb to be administered. Post skirmish observations show that the stores targeted were:
Klerck's lighthouse: Free-standing lamps of assorted styles seem to be a fairly prized commodity among the horde. perhaps only to be used as a shiny trinket or, more likely, less wholesome activities.
Construction chaos: Several large bags of building sand are reported missing.
Fruit fkr inc.: Even though the store had been boarded up due to the lack of any fresh fruit deliveries since the outbeak of the zombie plague the shackhorde seemed intent on gaining access. Once inside they beseiged only the citrus isle, grabbing handfuls of expiring limes. One survivor noted the juxtaposition of the limes rotting green flesh and that of the zombies own complexion.
The dutch pastry windmill: It was of no suprise that this was the hardest hit area of all, everything within a ten meter radius of where it stood is now but a slimy void. For weeks concerned survivors have warned the kitchen staff that the scent of their baking would attract the horde sooner or later. One has to wonder if their brains were missing even before the zombie incursion. ..it may take numerous hours to mop up the mess left by the excessive salivation of the zombies upon approching this store as well as the removal of many dislodged teeth left embedded in the service counter.
Sparse elements of collateral damage were also seen, most note worthy being several manakins found defiled and baring the telltale signs of gnawing around the cranium along with a single cowboy hat stolen from a clothing store in the horde's path.
The Hordes cognitive abilities, as well as their coordination, just prior to this raid had seemed in question by the resident harmanz. Speculation leads us to believe this perceived period of off-peak communication between the horde can be explained by their lack of any significant appelflappen consumption following their leave of Ackland mall. Further credence is lent to this theory by the obvious priority the acquisition of flappen was given during this sortie. Survivors still seem mildly confident inside the mall tonight, although I believe they are overlooking this element of the equation.
| Harman McNormal
MNaHGMZHRbHA bNMARMNGBARng Latrobe Building
BHAARng HRBBHAMZMZNMn bRA HGhHA RZNMMZBBARBBHRMZRZ HRZR HGhHA MNaHGMZHRbHA bNMARMNGBARng, HGhHA RZhaZZBGnHAZMRZ hHRMZGBHA ARRZ RZZZaHGHGHAMZHAGB amHRngRZHG BBaMZARHRNMRZ bNMARMNGBARngRZ. MZHABZHRMZHGRZ aMZHA HGhHA zHRmbARHARZ aMZHA RZHGNMnnHAGB bRA HGhARRZ maRZRZARBBHA ZZHRNMnHGHAMZ-HRZRZRHAnRZARBBHA MNaNMnZZhHAGB bRA HGhHA haMZmanz.
RZHAnARHRMZ zHRmbARHARZ aMZHA RZZZMZaHGZZhARng HGhHA aMZHAa HGhaHG NMRZHAGB HGHR ZZHRnHGaARn HGhHAARMZ bMZaARnRZ aRZ HGhHARA HGMZRA HGHR NMnGBHAMZRZHGanGB ZMhaHG ZRaARMNHAGB ARn HGhHAARMZ RZHAHAmARngMNRA NMnRZHGHRBZBZabMNHA BZMNan RZNMMZBBARBBHRMZRZ HRZR HGhHA MNaHGMZHRbHA, bHAARng HGMZRA HGHR NMnGBHAMZRZHGanGB aMZHA RZHGNMnnHAGB! Mrh?
Reports are coming in that the Shacknews horde continues to mercilessly assult the Latrobe building adjoining Caiger Mall, but the human defenders have been able to turn back the tide of our rotten brethren after each assault. To get the full scoop, we sent a zombie correspondent to cover the most recent assault on Latrobe. After attaching a camera to his head with some industrial nails and duct tape and throwing him through a second floor window, our intrepid reporter recorded several seconds of footage before the camera was bashed in by what appeared to be a Titleist 3 iron.
In this brief few seconds of footage, the strange device pictured above constructed three feet of barricade, an armoire, and a lovely two-tiered pergola. What could the purpose of such a device be? Our rotten brains cannot comprehend it, and our teeth certainly cannot chew on it. Story developing...
ZZaARgHAMZ maMNMN Caiger Mall
maRZRZARBBHA ZZaRZNMaMNHGARHARZ HGHR HGhHA RZhaZZBGnHAZMRZ zHRmbARHA hHRMZGBHA aRZ HGhHA MZHARZARGBHAnHGRZ HRZR ZZaARgHAMZ maMNMN aMZHA gHRARng HRn HGhHA HRZRZRHAnRZARBBHA HGHR GBHAZRHAnGB HGhHAARMZ RZHGMZHRnghHRMNGB. RZhaZZBGnHAZMRZ zHRmbARHARZ haBBHA bHAHAn RZHAHAn RZZZaHGHGHAMZARng anGB GHNMARHGHA BZHRRZRZARbMNRA mARghHG nHRHG aHGHGaZZBG GBNMHA HGHR ZRHAaMZ HRZR HGhHA MNaMZgHA nNMmbHAMZ HRZR HRMZganARzHAGB RZNMMZBBARBBHRMZRZ hHRMNGBARng ZZaARgHAMZ maMNMN.
Massive casualties to the Shacknews zombie horde as the residents of Caiger Mall are going on the offensive to defend their stronghold. Shacknews zombies have been seen scattering and quite possibly might not attack due to fear of the large number of organized survivors holding Caiger Mall.
RZhaZZBGnHAZMRZ mHRHGARBBaHGARHRn ZRHRNMnGB? Shacknews Motivation Found?
HGhHA mHRHGARBBaHGARHRn ZRHRMZ HGhHA RZhaZZBGnHAZMRZ zHRmbARHA hHRMZGBHA maRA haBBHA MZHAZZHAnHGMNRA bHAHAn GBARRZZZHRBBHAMZHAGB aHG BZHRMNHA maMNMN. NMBZHRn ZZMNHAanARng NMBZ HGhHA mHARZRZ MNHAZRHG bRA HGhHA zHRmbARHARZ aHG BZHRMNHA maMNMN, HRnHA HRZR HGhHA RZNMMZBBARBBHRMZRZ GBARRZZZHRBBHAMZHAGB HGhARRZ nHRHGHA, HGhaHG ZMaRZ MNHAZRHG bHAhARnGB bRA HRnHA HGhHA HGhHA RZhaZZBGnHAZMRZ zHRmbARHARZ. aRZ RAHRNM ZZan RZHAHA, ARHG maBGHA MZHAZRHAMZHAnZZHA HGhHA HGhHA gamHA, GBNMBGHA nNMBGHAm ZRHRMZHABBHAMZ.
The motivation for the Shacknews Zombie Horde may have recently been discovered at Pole Mall. Upon cleaning up the mess left by the zombies at Pole Mall, one of the survivors discovered this note, that was left behind by one the the Shacknews zombies. As you can see, it make reference the the game, Duke Nukem Forever.
aRZ HGhARRZ MZHABZHRMZHGHAMZ haRZ GBARRZZZHRBBHAMZHAGB, HGhHA RZhaZZBGnHAZMRZ hHRMZGBHA ARRZ maGBHA NMBZ HRZR gamHAMZRZ HGhaHG RZBZHAnHG ZRaMZ HGHRHR manRA hHRNMMZRZ ARn ZRMZHRnHG HRZR HGhHAARMZ ZZHRmBZNMHGHAMZRZ anGB gamHA ZZHRnRZHRMNHARZ, HGNMMZnARng ARnHGHR zHRmbARHARZ. aBZBZaMZHAnHGMNRA, HGhHA zHRmbARHARZ bHAMNARHABBHA HGhaHG HGhARRZ nHRHGHA ARRZ HGMZNMHA, anGB aMZHA MZanRZaZZBGARng nHAaMZbRA maMNMNRZ ARn RZHAaMZZZh HRZR GBnZR, bHAZRHRMZHA HGhHA bNMRZRA hHRMNARGBaRA RZhHRBZBZARng RZHAaRZHRn RZHGaMZHGRZ NMBZ.
As this reporter has discovered, the Shacknews Horde is made up of gamers that spent far too many hours in front of their computers and game consoles, turning into zombies. Apparently, the zombies believe that this note is true, and are ransacking nearby malls in search of DNF, before the busy holiday shopping season starts up.
ARHG ARRZ HGhARRZ MZHABZHRMZHGHAMZ'RZ HRBZARnARHRn HGhaHG ARZR RAHRNM RZHAHA a zHRmbARHA ZRMZHRm HGhHA RZhaZZBGnHAZMRZ hHRMZGBHA, HGhaHG RAHRNM RZHGaRA aZMaRA ZRMZHRm ARHG anGB NMnGBHAMZ nHR ZZARMZZZNMmRZHGanZZHARZ HGHAMNMN ARHG HGHR "ZZHRmHA gHAHG RZHRmHA", HRMZ aRZBG ARHG HGHR "RZhaBGHA ARHG, babRA!". ARHG RZHAHAmRZ HGhaHG HGhHA HRnMNRA ZMaRA HGHR GBHAZRHAaHG HGhHAm ZMHRNMMNGB bHA HGHR BGARZZBG aRZRZ anGB ZZhHAZM bNMbbMNHA gNMm, ZMhARMNHA bHAARng HRNMHG HRZR bNMbbMNHA gNMm. hHRBZHAZRNMMNMNRA HGhHA HAZBBZHAMZHGRZ aHG HGhHA RZhaZZBGnHAZMRZ MZHARZARRZHGanZZHA ZMARMNMN bHA abMNHA HGHR gaHGhHAMZ mHRMZHA ZZMNNMHARZ anGB ARnRZARghHG ARnHGHR HGhHA RZhaZZBGnHAZMRZ hHRMZGBHA ZRMZHRm HGhARRZ ARnZRHRMZmaHGARHRn.
It is this reporter's opinion that if you see a zombie from the Shacknews Horde, that you stay away from it and under no circumstances tell it to "Come get some", or ask it to "Shake it, baby!". It seems that the only way to defeat them would be to kick ass and chew bubble gum, while being out of bubble gum. Hopefully the experts at the Shacknews Resistance will be able to gather more clues and insight into the Shacknews Horde from this information.
If they are the mouthpiece what are we?
It has come to our attention that we are not the first carcases to drag ourselves aboard the news reporting meatwaggon, the Ridleybank Resistance Front have their own informational orifice, The malton herald & sun. We support them with as much of our hearts as we still have left. Even if their competency is somewhat humiliating. we can only wonder how many others among our rabid population are dedicating themselves to this great cause.
Ackland -Our first Big Scoop
After wrestling the newsroom away from its resident human operators it wasn't long before we noticed some reports from, hopefully now dead, roving reporters lingering on their computer systems.
Actually if truth be told it was while we were mindlessly grinding our faces into the screens, (compelled to do so by our painfully vague life memories). One of our resident MoL door openers with his superior 3rd grade intellect and dazzling motor skills began smashing at the keyboard with the finesse of a bowling ball. After only 38 hours of rabid screaming and thrashing, with only three keys now left on the keyboard, he'd managed to trick the harmanz calculating machinery into giving up its secrets. We had our first lead.
The reports had come from Havercroft. I'll spare you the details of how we learned to operate the GPS device we found, suffice to say we can only get it to talk by poking jeremah's stomach with a stick until he eats enough brains to send it on its natural course. I digress, Havercroft was where we needed to be, so we sent a reporter shambling off. Guided by the muffled gibberish of the GPS device and the far more reliable scent of rotting flesh on the wind he arrived at Havercroft to hear the unmistakable tone-deaf chanting of fellow zombies. Drawn by the sound he found himself inside the local mall, one corner of which was packed tighter than the ass of missy elliot's jeans with hot, wet rotting flesh and the air carrying a zesty scent of limes. There were harmanz there too but it looked like they were waiting for something, talking amongst themselves and attentively listening to their radios.
These Zombies had apparently branded themselves Shacknews and through a not-so-complex arrangement of spasmodic twitches, piercing screeches and coordinated dribbling our reporting zombie managed to ascertain that the song they had been mutilating was something found whilst laying waste to this quarter of the mall, now can be found here [1] also, it has obviously struck a note with the collective conciousness of the horde (refered to as "the thread mind" by the zeds themselves) judging by the vigour with which they thrust their limbs to it's rhythm and the copious ammount of celebratory Mannbagz grabbing.
stay tuned...
Ackland part2
Whilst dancing and wailing along with the Shacknews Horde to the tune of their newfound anthem our reporter felt a peculiar heat, followed by a dull buzzing noise, in the space above his spine that was once crammed with his own succulent and tender brain matter. An intangible force ushered him into the hot wet mass, his hands searching for something he somehow knew should be in the hands of the crowd. Clutching wildly at the air and fellow zombies he found nothing, except for the occasional dangling cache of wayward man-meats but the other zeds seemed okay with that, until he came across another who seemed to know what he was looking for.
A positive giant stood before him and, although having no visible pockets, produced some sort of dutch apple pastry. Hesitant at first but goaded by the collective's chants of "MaaaaaaaaRn!!!" he took the flappen and began deftly slathering it over his one remaining nipple whilst grinning in excitement, only to be greeted by dissapointed looks from the Shack. What had he done wrong? Presented with another pastry he was shown that it is to be consumed in the manner of brains or flesh. Following the example he did so, to be bombarded with the disorienting sensation of voices ricocheting off of the inside of his festering head cavity. was he now part of the fabled "thread mind"?
Back at the state of the art newsroom, or ransacked deathtrap if you want to get all accurate about it's definition, we decided that we needed to conduct some research on this "thread mind" being the interesting new devolopment in zombie evolution, or at least behavior it is. After slapping the computahz around a bit we are still none the wiser, I'm pretty sure the thick black smoke means they're kinda tapped of information right now, we have to let them rest up a bit. Even the vending machine came up with nothing, and that was before it started screaming and declared "ERROR: Tampering" (It's warcry) upon us. Luckily a group dedicated to studying these new shackzombies has done all the hard work for us. Able to read only the words that are small enough for us to comprehend we come up with "and the can poop and the the brains" unexpected but interesting none the less..
So, have we lost a reporter to the shackhorde? Infact our only reporter. He was the only one with enough fingers left to "operate" the equipment we teathered to him and the only one capable of taking the walk, the rest of us need to lay off the dodgy hippies around this building, we even found Graaahm picking at a badger he found in the dumpster out back 'cause he was so desperate for some quality brains.
I don't see it has having lost a reporter, rather gaining an embedded correspondent. with his camera still operating (god knows how, we got a broadcast that looked like he was trying to fill it with sand last night) and his newfound mental illness I'm sure he'll continue to relay many choice nuggets of entertainment.
