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 The ELT's own parts industry for musical instruments and amps. (and motorbikes, after a lawsuit against Yamarhah) It's a given that, after a time, a band's instruments will begin to show serious wear and tear, even if you don't smash the guitars on stage. The ELT began to notice this after only a few short weeks, and as many of their instruments are custom jobs, the music stores of Malton simply could not provide sufficient equipment for their needs.
So, in typical ELT fashion, they improvised. In a two-part operation originating out of the machinist's lines of Stoner's Factory and the electronics labs of the Whitlock Building, the ELT set up their own parts industry- Torchestronics Limited. The equipment it has produced thus far has proven interesting to say the least.
In addition, the ELT has managed to find the location of the only intact music store in Malton, rumored to be hidden somewhere in Treweeke Mall. The exact location, however, is known only by members of the Torchestra and is one of their most closely guarded secrets.
Torchestronics Limited is a survivor-owned and run company and hence reserves the right to discriminate against any such undead seeking employment or equipment due to multiple counts of being eaten alive. Torchestronics Limited is not an RIAA approved manufacturer of musical instruments (and is very proud of that fact), nor is it responsible for any harm brought about by operation of Torchestronics products. All rights reserved, © 2007-2008 Balcony Jedi/PsychoLychee.
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Our Instruments of Enlightenment
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5-String ELT-Custom E-Bass
An instrument widely feared by zombies right across Dulston, the ELT-C1 electric bass, custom built by Balcony Jedi of the Electric Light Torchestra, is capable of creating the most thunderous tones imaginable, penetrating buildings and resonating for miles. Deep reverberation of such intensity has been proven to induce severe palpitation of the brain, most notably in the softer tissue of the undead. Quite literally, prolonged exposure to the C1's powerful sound may cause the zombies heads to explode.
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The Electric Acoustic Guitarliphone
It's an acoustic guitar with a xylophone attached to it's neck. An electric xylophone. It was invented in early 2006 by Bunnyofdoom when he wandered into the music store in Treweeke Mall with a welding torch and a manic gleam in his eye. The instrument itself is decorated in an eye-hurting "dazzle" pattern of baby blue, hunter green, and cherry red, with canary yellow stripes running up the neck under the strings and branching under the bars of the xylophone. Interesting enough is the fact that it also has a small storage pocket filled with delicious beef jerky.
The guitarliphone has become sort of an unofficial symbol of the ELT, due to its extremely interesting profile and light-hearted sound. Many of the ELT's famous songs feature long guitarliphone solos, making full use of its odd acoustics to lull the crowd into a false state of security before the rest of the band kicks back in.
PL-X Industrial Drum Set
Possibly the only non-electric instrument used by the ELT, the PL-X is nonetheless one of the most powerful- and oddest-looking. It was assembled by PsychoLychee shortly after the ELT's formation out of just about anything that he could find, and currently consists of:
- Four empty fuel cans
- One improvised cymbal set
- One heavily repaired Tama bass drum
- One badly dented 60" gong
- Two 9mm pistols (for flavor or as remote control)
- One 12-gauge shotgun (to be fired at the gong)
The PL-X is by far the loudest instrument of the ELT ensemble without added electronic sound-boosting, and when hooked up to an amplifier it provides far more percussion than can possibly be safe. To safe the eardrums of the band at large-scale events, the drumset has often been placed 50 yards behind the stage and played by shooting at it with the two pistols. However, this wasn't possible until Lychee introduced dried zombie skin to be used as heavy duty drumheads, as well as crafting large amounts of specialized "drumroll" ammo out of bones and leftover slag from the Factory lines. Such ammo cannot deal any damage to a person except from near point-blank range, but when fired at the zombie-skin drumheads it produces a wonderful sound that can be varied endlessly depending on the angle and location of impact.
12-string Acoustic
The Fender DG16 12-string Acoustic Guitar was discovered at the back of an undistinguished music store somewhere in Dulston. Tuned down a couple steps (CGCFAD) to decrease tension in the neck and for ultra-deep/heavy riffage, this instrument produces a naturally incredible sound, even without electrical enhancement. The sound is known to be repulsive to zombies, despite being smooth as silk on the human ear, and as a result the blocks surrounding Stoner's practice space rarely feature hordes of any size. Currently in use by Stoner24.
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BGC-3R Triple-Decker Keyboard
By far the most complex of the ELT's ensemble to operate correctly, this monstrosity of honeyed walnut paneling, aluminum framing, plastic keys, and spaghetti wiring makes for quite the imposing display on-stage. Though it's surprisingly light, the BGC is so large and unwieldy, that it's only rolled out for planned concerts- most of the time, a simpler keyboard is used (see picture).
The "Trip", as it's known, was built and is operated by Wang Hager, since he's the only one who knows how to get a decent sound out of the thing. Three separate keyboards, each with five modulations and at twenty independent settings, pack the front face of the device solid, making for almost unheard-of complexity, nearly endless variation, and a sound that has been described as "transcendent".
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OZI Electric Violin
Though it has been without a player since Sirex vanished in mid-2007, this violin is still quite the interesting instrument, visible behind a layer of shatterproof glass in the foyer of the Whitlock Building. Glossed in a burnt orange color with black pinstripes sweeping up the sides and face- except for six neon green LEDs embedded in the neck-, the violin has an extremely subtle color scheme that, behind the bright lights of the ELT concerts, makes it hard to see that it's even there (even on photographs). That combined with its haunting tonals and floating, melodic sound has convinced more than one crowd that the player is actually playing a true air violin.
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"Shep" IA-5555 Electric Guitar
The only electric guitar ever constructed by the ELT, it was stamped, pressed, assembled, and painted in a mad rush by Colin Anderson late on March 12th after watching Interstella 5555 for the ninteenth time in three days, with no sleep. Some have suggested the Shep is a product of insanity or sleep madness, and others have suggested far stranger things.
Whatever the case, the guitar exists, though without a player and currently sitting under glass in the Whitlock foyer. Based off the Gibson Flying V, the Shep is a somewhat standard electric guitar designed in the same shape and painted in the same scheme as the spaceship piloted by Shep in Interstella 5555, with the only difference being that it is fully functional as a guitar. The preliminary tests and tunings have shown the guitar to be at least musically and structurally sound, if with a slightly metallic edge to its notes.
CTX-2 Synthesizer
Life in Malton is extremely tough on machinery, whether it be industrial or instrumental. Young Colin Anderson found this out to his cost after being thrown from the twenty-third floor of Whitlock during a siege- upon revival, he discovered that his beloved DX-7 had been shattered nearly beyond repair. Undaunted, Colin raced across the roofs to the shattered steel mill known as Greenton Factory and proceeded to tinker with the surviving machines there for a full day. The final result, packaged in a wooden crate, was promptly hauled back to Whitlock and locked, with Colin, into the electronics lab. Another whole day later, it emerged.
The CTX-2 looks almost nothing like its original self- two rows of keys and seemingly endless modulator controls pack the gleaming chrome front solid, while the rest of the thing is surprisingly spartan. The package still lacks legs, so the DX-7's original strap has been attached to make it once more into a sort of synthtar. The synthesizer frame is made of titanium alloy (salvaged from a fallen military jet), and packed with a spaghetti network of wiring cannibalized from all kinds of sources. Any honest electrician would have a heart attack on looking inside the thing- indeed, Colin is the only one who seems to know how it all goes together. But it is sound, impressive-looking, and- as three chucks out of the twenty-third floor of Whitlock can attest- virtually indestructible.
In order to expand his musical repetoire, Colin has managed to rig up several alternate MIDI cartridge sets for the CTX-2, including trumpets, trombones, several winds instruments, and that jingly-thing from the main theme of "The Price Is Right".
Super Elecric Cowbell with Enhanced Bass
Are you in need of more cowbell? Look no further! This sexy, eardrum-shattering cowbell comes packed with an amp, coffin-shaped carrying case, cleaning kit, and customizable faceplates. Mortal ears be warned, for this is the most brutal cowbell ever conceived. Rock on. Rock hard. Rock cowbell. \m/
This model has been invented, built, and used by OneArmedBandit. For some reason, sales of this item have not been entirely successful. Perhaps residents of Malton are too preoccupied with fending off the zombie hordes to dedicate hours of painstaking practice into a complex instrument. Either that, or they are simply a bunch of pansies who aren't metal enough to handle such an awesome piece of hardware.
- -Or it could be that your "awesome piece of hardware" sounds like somebody taking a weed whacker to a cat. Seriously, if goatse.cx could make a sound, it'd be something like the electric cowbell. I hope you die. And I hope nobody revives you. Our ears have suffered enough. Signed: Everybody
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The Electric Accordiorganpipe
Made from pure uranium, an organ ripped from St. Barbara's Church, and various zombie parts stolen from the top secret lab underneath the Naisbitt Building, the Electric Accordiorganpipe is one hell (or hellish looking, rather) of a musical instrument. Rumor has it that the EAOP can shatter ear drums and give people the ability to taste shapes.
The EAOP is currently used on rare occasions by Kikashie, however, the exact origin of the EAOP is unknown. Although top Whitlock scientists were able to determine what it was made of... exactly how it can produce sound, let alone laser shows, is still a mystery.
The EAOP is rarely brought out into the open due to it's amazing, yet destructive, power. The last time it was brought out of the Naisbitt Building, the Trood Building mysteriously collapsed the same day. Whether this had anything to do with the EAOP has yet to be determined. Or investigated. Really, the only proof we have that it exists at all is this photo.
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Torchestronics Amplifiers
What good is a band if no-one can hear them? This was the proud philosophy taken up by the ELT when they began construction on their first set of personal amps. Existing machines proved good in sound but weak in body- in the early days, the zombies always seemed to make the amps their first target when invading ELT buildings, meaning that the existing supplies soon ran out. Thus, Torchestronic amps are far more robust in construction.
Each amp body is solid steel (with a little zinc mixed in to ward off rust), with a heavy chain mesh over the speaker. The parts are welded into place where feasible and soldered where not, with two coats of waterproof black paint over the whole thing. The rugged construction produces a rather industrial sound effect, with acoustics that are not to be taken lightly. Neither, though, are the amps, each of which weighs easily as much as a portable generator due to its heavy steel construction. ELT amps are made in all five types (traditional, heavy rock, bass, keyboard, and acoustic), and can be identified by the respective stylized letter on the front mesh, right below the Torchestronics symbol- T, H, B, K, or A.
The ELT has also manufactured (once, never again) an experimental drum amplifier, identified by its own stylized letter "D". However, after this amp actually killed a member (Vidicate) who got too close when it was in operation, it was officially retired from service. The Drum Amp now sits under shatterproof glass in the Whitlock foyer next to the OZI Violin, and the PL-X plays on its sound alone now (which is more than enough).
Don't Take Our Mall
Tune of: ELO - Don't Bring Me Down
You got me cading going out of my mind,
You got me thinking that we're all gonna die.
Don't take our mall, no no no no no,
I'll tell you once more before I cade up the door
Don't take our mall!
Don't take our mall, zeeddsss
Don't take our mall, zeeddsss
Don't take our mall, zeeddsss
Don't take our mall!
The ELT just got the power back on,
Now we're scraping your guts off the lawn,
Don't take our mall, no no no no no,
I'll tell you once more before I cade up the door
Don't take our mall!
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Defective Swarm
Tune of: Queen - Fat Bottomed Girls
oooh we're gonna kick your ass tonight
oooh, then we'll cade the doors up tight
oooh, you'll see what its all about
Defective Swarm,
The DA's gonna bring you down!
I've been rocking with my band
Across the burb', and it's been grand,
We've killed ev'ry grey eyed zombie on the way, hey
They were mean and they were vile
So we just shot them for a while
Take me to them rotten zombies every time!
(C'mon)
oooh we're gonna kick your ass tonight
oooh, send all your friends a quick invite
oooh, and we'll show them what we got
Defective Swarm,
The DA's gonna bring you down!
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Stay Alive
Tune of: Bee Gees - Stayin' Alive
Well, you can tell by the way I pour my fuel,
I'm ELT: no time for bull
Lights bright and members few, if the power goes out
That'll be our cue
And now it's alright, it's ok
The ELT is on the way
We hope you try to understand
We're also one hell of a band
Whether you're a lighter or whether you're a fighter
You're stayin alive, stayin alive.
See the lights a flickin' and the genny hissin',
And we're stayin alive, stayin alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin alive, stayin alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin alive.
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GKing
Tune of: ELO - Confusion
Everywhere the lights are shining.
All around Dulston their shining.
But Darkness comes up all the time.
GKing - it's such a terrible shame.
GKing - we don't know what you're doin'.
You've lost your mind and you just can't carry on.
You feel there's no one light to be left on.
Every night we're out there darlin'.
Keeping those generators runnin'.
And I see that lost look in your eyes.
GKing - I don't know what I should do.
GKing - I can't just stop you.
You've lost your mind band you just can't carry on.
You feel there's no one light to be left on.
Dark is the buildings you enter.
And as you stand there under.
The lightless roof,you feel sad inside.
GKing - you know it's drivin' me wild.
GKing - it comes as no big surprise.
You've lost your mind and you just can't carry on.
You feel there's no one light to be left on.
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Sweet Genny O' Mine
Tune of: Guns N Roses - Sweet Child O' Mine
It's got a hum that it seems to me
reminds me of brighter memories
When everything
was as bright as the starlit sky
Now and then when I see the light
It takes me back to that
Starlit night
And if I stare too long
I never want to say goodbye
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Sweet genny o' mine
Whoa, oh, oh, oh
Sweet light of mine
[crazy guitar solo]
Where should it go
Where should it go now
Where should it go
Sweet genny o' mine
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Gk'er
Tune of: Led Zeppelin - Heartbreaker
Hey fellas, have you heard the news?
You know the Gk'ers are back in town?
It won't take long, just watch an' see,
Before they shut all the gennys down
Their style is new but the face's the same
As it was so long ago.
But from their eyes, a different smile,
Like that of one with foes.
[crazy guitar solo]
Work so hard we can't unwind,
and you just can't behave.
Destroy our light a thousand times,
however hard we try.
Gk'er your time has come,
Can't take your evil ways.
Go away Gk'er!
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Ramble On, Zombies
Tune of: Led Zeppelin - Ramble On
Cades were falling all around,
We had no place to stay.
But now listen up, and listen good
we've got something to say.
Zeds, it's time for you to go,
Dulston's buildings light your way.
For a shot to the brain,
and with it pain,
will be headed your way.
Ah, eventually you'll get tired,
and I know theres one thing you got to do,
Ramble On!
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Rock the Caiger
Tune of: The Clash- Rock the Casbah
Now the trench told the RRF
You have to let that metal drop
The fuel down the Blesley way
Has been shakin' to the top
The Papa drove his Abrams
He went a cruisin' down the ville
The Daddy was a standing
On the turret chamber grille
Chorus:
The sheep don't like it
Rockin the Caiger
Rock the Caiger
The sheep don't like it
Rockin the Caiger
Rock the Caiger
By order of the prophet
We ban that boogie sound
Degenerate the barhah
With that crazy Caiger sound
But the death cultists they brought out
The electric zambah drum
The local parachuter
Got his guitar picking thumb
As soon as the trencher
Had cleared the Square
They began to wail
Chorus
Now down at the cathedral
Oh! they really pack em in
The old crowd say its cool
To dig this moaning thing
But as the wind changed direction
The cathedral band took five
The crowd caught a wiff
Of that crazy Caiger jive
Chorus
The trench called up his PKers
He said you better earn your pay
Drop your bombs between the libraries
Down the Caiger way
As soon as the trencher was
Free-runned outta there
The PKers tuned to
The private radio blare
As soon as the trencher was
Outta their hair
The PKers wailed
Chorus
He thinks its not balanced!
Fundamentally he cant take it!
You know he really hates it!
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