Current Issue
NEVAR FORGET News
- Everybody Wants To Rule the World
- After a huge battle that shook the very core of the world DORIS has claimed victory in its war against heathens. This year the Sons of Pluto have killed a record 824,092 throughout the world in the name of Pluto. Just last Sunday was DORIS' main holiday, 8/24, the mourniversary of their fallen leader. Reporters are still trying to confirm the number of dead and missing.
- Turkmenbashi Claims Sold Two Left Shoes
- Yesterday the news medias were riled up from the claims of Turkmenbashi that he was sold two left shoes from a department store in Treweeke Mall. If this is so then Dulston would be held guilty of trickery. Under Malton Anti-Trickery Laws Article 8 Section 2.4: "...Convicted Tricksters...[are] to be beaten until their pulp is bloody and/or the beater is duly tired." In Section 9.2 it gives power to all citizens alive or undead (rewritten in 2006) to carry out the court's orders in Anti-Trickery offenses.
- Respected Survivor Proven Liar
- When you hear the name Garviel Loken you automatically think of a respectable man who has devoted his time to righteousness and goodwill. Recently he has gone and tarnished his own name. The once respected soldier of the nonexistent emperor claimed that he was leaving Malton for good, an event that left many sad, but has just returned to the city he abandoned. Locals of Gibsonton are infuriated. One man was seen throwing tomatoes at Garviel's five-man welcome parade. One woman said, "I used to respect him, especially during his Frog platform, but if there is one thing I cannot stand it's liars." Later that day a former ally of his reported, "When you make a promise you're supposed to keep it. The people of Malton are heartbroken as it is because of the lack of support from the government. We don't need people saying they're leaving and then taking it back." The Mayor has supported a bill that would give Garviel the title "Liar Liar Pants on Fire".
- Government to Close Fort Perryn
- The military budget has just been cut again after a Parliament decision from little to nothing. Army Control Corps leader, Colonel Saul KD, announced the Fort's closure yesterday. The Fort is to be emptied with all useful items sent to Iraq. Demolition workers expect to have the place leveled by next month.
- Malton Uprising
- In a breaking news segment we bring you a report from an East Boundwood bakery. After mixing too much yeast into his bread mix the baker placed it in the oven and was shocked as it grew and broke free from its firey cage. The yeasty dough-monster is said to be growing exponentially but will most likely burst with little to no damage. Scientists estimate the date of the flop to be September 9th. Officials assure that no one will be hurt.
- Akule Sues Himself
- Legal activist, Akule, has taken a lawsuit out against himself, claiming he is encroaching on his own First Amendment rights. He feels that he is entitled to expressing himself anyway he wants but denies himself that right. If Akule loses this case he is expected to take it up with the Supreme Court.
- Malton Police Department Crack Down on Firearm Possession
- In a sting operation outside of the Younghusband Arms police seized a total of 250 illegally own firearms and weapons on ten suspects. How they carried this many on them is still under investigation. South-East Division Superintendent Thor Ellis issued a statement to the public. "Just because zombies roam our streets does not mean our laws are moot. Laws are what separates us from animals, like Russians and the French. When you break the law you run the risk of getting caught. Just don't do it."
- Super McZed's Coming to Pennville and Whittenside
- CEO Amazing, long banned from stepping foot in Malton, has stated plans to open up a McZed's on the borders of Pennville and Whittenside. "We plan on making a 3x3 block Super McZeds with everything inside it. A parking lot in the NW square, a playground in the N square, an employee training center in the NE square, a pediatrician center in the W square, the counters at the Center square, the kitchen in the E square, the storage facility in the SW square, the main entrance with the arches in the S square, and the dining area in the SE square. If all goes to plan we'll have it up in a month." Civilians are delighted.
Sooper Sekret Special
The Imperium has Returned?
When the Imperium disbanded it was almost too good to be true. Now they claim to have returned. All five of them threaten Malton with their idiocracy. Key members of the Imperium Must Die Coalition are discussing the possible recreation of the group. If they do decide to work together again to rid the city of this scourge then they must stay in Gibsonton until the Imperium are thoroughly griefed. We ask all Coalition members to consider the possible war.
More sooper sekret news of this week:
- Join the PK Olympics
- Kill Skritz
- Rakuen failed to eat both his fists
- DORIS is sexy
- If Pluto is not a planet then midgets aren't people.
Why You Need Moar DORIS
You need more DORIS because...
- It's almost 9/2 and you NEVAR FORGET
- You can't win the lottery
- You need a date to the prom
- Sundays will never be the same
- It's either us or the EMLN
- Reality bites
- You hate astronomy
Sig of the Issue
Ler0y Jenkins was one of the many that joined during the Imperium Must Die Coalition action in Gibsonton. As a human paladin he was capable of fighting and healing/resurrecting his fallen comrades, which would be proven useful in the month long war. Ler0y Jenkins' title is Impatient One of the Populat. His duties as Impatient One include, but are not limited to: running into buildings, shouting his name, eating fried chicken, motivating his teammates, and getting fidgety when standing still. He can also become an instant celebrity.
Short Story
My name is Sweet McAwesome. I'm a former soldier of the British Army. Everyone knows the story, zombies spring up and the military is deployed. No one talks about how we were backstabbed by that same military. When they could control it they put up walls and locked us in to die. After a while it became tough. It's been over three years already! The unit I was with got wrecked pretty hard in the first few months somewhere around Roftwood. They just poured in at record numbers from Stanbury Village. I tried to retreat to Fort Creedy since it was the nearest base but by the time I got there it was trashed. So for a year or two I traveled from Mall to Mall trying to survive. Died a few times, had to kill a couple of times to protect myself. Then one day I was alone in a bank with some other poor sap. He was pretty fucked up from the looks of it. He didn't have much in him. As I was looking at him I felt my hands slide down to my shotgun. For no reason I shot him twice, point blank, and he died right there. I quickly dumped the body to avoid the smell in the morning and went back to sleep. Next morning I wake up and police officers start shooting at me claiming I am a murderer. I fired back, killing one of them and wounding the other. I ran and made it to Yagoton. It was at this time I found an amazing religion, The Sons of Pluto. I met Canderous Ordo and he told me I could achieve salvation if I helped him reclaim the golden statue of the One True Prophet Steve Irwin that was under attack from the Abandoned, an evil group of survivors. So I took up arms and killed anyone I came across, assuming everyone was the enemy. After we killed everyone in the suburb the statue was complete. Then Canderous wished me luck and went to sleep. Months went by and he called upon me again, this time out in Dulston. He said the suburb was really New Baghdad, the city to King Saddam Hussein. So once again I took up arms against this time the corrupt Dulston Alliance. So one night I was getting ready to go after some more invading forces when I got in one little fight and my mom got scared. She said "You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air!" I whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I can say this cab is rare, but I thought "Now forget it. Yo homes to Bel Air!" I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 and I yelled to the cabbie "Yo homes smell ya later!" I looked at my kingdom, I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air.
Old Issues
The Pluto Press Issue 1
The Pluto Press Issue 2
The Pluto Press Issue 3
The Editor
Canderous Ordo - Secular Leader of the Populat
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