The Pluto Press Issue 5

The Pluto Press Current Issue | Old Issues | The Editor | DORIS Current Issue NEVAR FORGET News Sooper Sekret Special Why You Need Moar DORIS Sig of the Issue The Second Coming! NEVAR FORGET News I Bless the Rains Down on Arkham Scientists explore deeper into the uninhabited lands of the Arkhams in their search for life. The team left Lockettside with 622 men and is down to 405, most of which died of disease. Lead scientist, Dr. Breshnev, defends the expedition claiming, "There is much to be gained here. If we prove that man can live in the Arkhams then maybe we could survive in Malton long enough for the military to rescue us." Dr. Breshnev, a former Soviet who dealt in human limits in harsh climates, says this is his hardest challenge yet after spending 30 years in Siberia. Labine Arrested in Corruption Scandal Last week, after days of rioting, MEMS Commander Labine was arrested for corruption. Labine was linked caught accepting syrup by known Pancakes. If found guilty he could face 8-24 years in jail for possession of syrup and accepting bribes from criminals. Viva La Free Dulston! In a long battle the Malton Uprising has finally liberated Dulston from the DEM's grips. As of right now there are no members of the DEM in the suburb, or any other survivors for that matter. Uprising leader, and self-proclaimed revolutionary, Alphacruss, who was several suburbs away from the fighting had this to say: "We have fought for survivors all over and finally we have freed them from the evil DEM. Now we can finally live in peace." When asked about his position on the zombie threat Alphacruss mysteriously had to leave for Yagoton. Aged Man from Crowbank Remembers "The Good Ol' Days" After months of waiting an elderly man in Crowbank says he remembers "the good ol' days". Some of the things he remembers are long walks up hill both ways, everything costing a nickel, and "those damn dirty Krauts". Historians have been recording his recollections, hoping it could help us get a look into our past. Malton Economy in Shambles Economists fears have become a reality; the fragile economy of Malton has finally burst. With the banks collapsing and corporations filing for bankruptcy many civilians are left with nothing. Police and the Army have been deployed in the streets to keep the peace and enforce law and order. Men and women from all over have been looting stores and their local Malls for supplies. The Mayor has declared Marshall Law and has given control to the DEM to bring order to the city. Winter Fashion Hits Shelf Fashion genius, Karl, has come out with a new line for the average citizen with an inner PKer. His new clothing is a tux and top hat pre-splattered with blood to give that "murderous" look. No trendy killer would however be seen dead without a cane. The new Karl cane, called the Civilian Cane for the average citizen, has a slight bend in it. Karl says, "I designed the cane with the bend in it because I took my original cane and cracked it over Banana's head. I liked the look so I decided to have all canes have this look. So one by one I cracked them over his head to give that distinguished look." Karl's new line should be out by December. Health Committee Looks into Alcohol Consumption A local myth that alcohol heals wounds is about to be broken. The Malton Health Committee has done an investigation into this claims and says it shows no merit. The investigation in fact shows that drinking mass amounts of alcohol can lead to unfortunate events, like waking up with an ugly girl or Strata. Blanemcc Declares War on Everyone After declaring war on the Dulston Alliance, the Fortress, Fanny, and then the Imperium, Blanemcc says he plans on declaring war on everyone else. "I'm new to being a PKer but I think I'm getting the hang of it", Blanemcc was quoted saying while looking at a map of Malton upside down. "If we march into Reganbank that should give us a straight shot at Eastonwood." Analysts expect many to die in what some would call a "war". Sooper Sekret Special Lord Pluto Returns! On September 16th, 2008 the secular leader of DORIS, Canderous Ordo, has proclaimed the return of Lord Pluto. In his Second Coming he will brings his followers back to the Kuiper Belt and create Global Warming on Earth to kill the infidels. The final battle will take place over Prague where the Army of New Baghdad will clash with the heathen Stingrays. In this ultimate battle Pluto will come down from space with His son Charlton Heston and shoot all the motherfuckers he doesn't like. After that Saddam Hussein will be restored to power in his golden thrown in New Baghdad. All who die in the battle will be sent to Saint George Carlin in Charon, where they will be sent to the Kuiper Belt or to the Arkhams. To speak to Lord Pluto you can pray to Him here. Show your respects and dedication to Him. Why You Need Moar DORIS You need more DORIS because... Pluto has returned You talk to me like lovers do You wanna go up to that Planet in the sky Prague sucks You realize the Uprising is a joke You have no respect for anyone but yourself (and Pluto) You know DORIS annoys Grim Sig of the Issue Pluto is the Lord and Savior of DORIS. As Lord and Savior, Pluto was worshiped in the Sons of Pluto religion. Pluto's title is Ninth Planet of the Populat. His duties as Ninth Planet include, but are not limited to: creating all that is seen and unseen, leading DORIS from beyond the Kuiper Belt, be totally awesome, grant Eternal Salvation, and resurrect himself. He can also be nevar forgotten. The Second Coming! Pictures of Pluto returning to Malton have been taken from all over: Old Issues The Pluto Press Issue 1 The Pluto Press Issue 2 The Pluto Press Issue 3 The Pluto Press Issue 4 The Editor Canderous Ordo - Secular Leader of the Populat