The Malton Good Beer Guide

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The Malton Good Beer Guide is a 5punk group project to visit and review the pubs of Malton. While residing in our local pub , The Waugh Arms, after the victory at Caiger Mall we decided to celebrate by touring the pubs of Malton. It also seemed like a good excuse to get drunk (as if we need one) and to assist the other residents of the city by producing a definitive guide to the Public Houses of Malton

Pubs Visited

The Waugh Arms - Chudleyton [13,29]

Always busy and full of friendly atmosphere, the kitchen is open 24 hours a day serving excellent home cooked food, has a pool table (but no pool cues unfortunately, although we managed to have a pretty good game using some zombie limbs we found outside) and a slighty borked Jukebox - Rating 5/5

The Acott Arms - West Becktown [12,30]

The cracked tile exterior with its heavily barred windows may not be uncommon in Malton in this day and age, but one gets the distinct impression that the pub has looked like this since long before the outbreak. Inside the bar is dingy and smells of urine, and the few patrons have a distinctly shady look. Indeed, little has changed other than the tap beer running out, leaving only alco-pops to drink. The author gets the impression that even the Dead are reluctant to drink here - Rating 1/5

The Jacomb Arms - Dunell Hills [0,33]

The warm welcome we received upon entering this charming suburban pub was just the tip of the iceberg of the delights this pub had to offer. The excellent selection of Real Ales on tap was only matched by the superb cuisine, wholesome Sunday roasts were the order of the day, and extremely reasonably priced. Despite being surrounded by a not-inconsiderably-sized zombie hoard this pub has managed to stay in excellent condition and appears well defended by the DHPD. They were on hand to help out with healing, reviving, information pamphlets on the local area and to answer any questions we might have. If you happen to be in the area and have a bleeding neck wound stop by the pub for a pint and give the DHPD a shout, they will be happy to help. If you enjoy relaxing by an open fire in a large leather armchair after a hearty meal the Jacomb Arms is the place to be - Rating 5/5

The Bampfyld Arms - Molebank [16,44]

Slightly dangerous and slightly dull in equal measures, average selection of beers of tap, and a not particularly enthralling selection of spirits, which includes the locals who were more than happy to break in and eat a few of us. The neighbouring Necrotech Building was quite handy, but in my opinion the lack of close ammunition availability lets this pub down even more than the absence of quality potato and maize based snacks (Stalkers Crisps and Monster Crunch, please). Apparently there are 3 trees in the middle of the pub with zombie scalps hanging from the branches, well it could have been the liver slaying quantities of passable booze I consumed here but I didn't spot them. Mediocrity rules supreme at The Bamfyld Arms - Rating 2.5/5

The Hateley Arms - Molebank [11,47]

Upon entering the Hately Arms a visitor is greeted with an establishment more fitting Berlin in 1945. Part of the bar is missing, bulletholes riddle the walls, most of the furniture is nailed to the window and doorframes, and the felt on the pool table is ripped. Look past the rugged decor though and you can find some excellent guest ales that have probably only survived due to the drinkers not doing. Indeed, while reviewing this pub four of our number have been killed. The local drinkers are a tough, jittery crowd, which is hardly surprising considering most of their time is spent sipping their pints at the barricades. If, then, you'd like an excellent pint of some rare ales and don't mind risking getting eaten the Hately is a must - survivors of the Caiger Mall sieges will feel right at home. Otherwise I'd recommend you stay away, which is exactly what the author will be doing shortly as he's used up all his twenty two shotgun shells and three clips of 9mm. - Rating 2/5

The Farnol Arms - Judgewood [12,15]

Set amongst a collection of warehouses in the suburb the pub is rather run down and drab. This may be the reason very little is happening in the area, due to the extremely poor architectual style of the suburb. Poor tv reception lead to only 'Brainiac' being the only show on offer, and life as a zombie hasn't been good for Richard Hammond. Beerwise the pub a a good selection, although the Guinness was off whilst we where there. There is a beer garden containing swings and a roundabout, although the lack of Yams as a bar snack prevented full enjoyment of the facilities. However the pub is a adequate setting for parties, and Lord Grimmie's birthday was celebrated here with much success. - Rating 3.5/5

Update: Visitors should look out for the large puddle of sick by the roundabout in the pub garden. Unfortunately the Malton Good Beer Guide reviwers, in a haze of nostalgia (and, more importantly, alcohol), decided it would be a good idea to converge on said roundabout and "give it a spin". The admittedly impressive results are best viewed from indoors - the stench has attracted feral zombies believing there to be decomposing meat nearby. Their anticipation turns to anger as all they discover are half digested carrots and pork scratchings.

The Organ Arms - Judgewood [14,14]

Interestingly, we found that the Organ Arms has been converted into a McZeds restaurant post-outbreak. While this makes the possibilities for drinking limited it does serve as an excellent pit-stop at just the right time for when you get the munchies. The staff don't take kindly to drunken shouting and rowdiness, as it is a family establishment, and we might have got into a little trouble, but after we'd had a few burgers and cleaned up the vomit in the toilets all was forgiven and we even got a free Croaka Colo to send us on our way. So, while not technically a pub it is an essential addition to any pub crawl and only falls short of top marks because they don't serve beer (or chose not to serve it to us because we'd had a bit too much anyway). - Rating 4/5

Update - Our antics here made the papers! - The Judgewood Times

The Boylin Arms - Judgewood [14, 13]

The Boylin Arms is a well cared for, well stocked pub with a no-nonsense approach for the Malton drinker. The lack of served food emphasises how this isn't a bar for a quiet drink, as does the excellent locally made home brew which succeeded on knocking the author out cold for several hours. The decor is modern, clean and hard-wearing while still being comfortable, and the staff are friendly and professional. Not the place for a sunday lunch with the family then, but when the night starts hotting up you couldn't find a more fitting establishment than the Boylin, and if you do get peckish there's a McZeds just next door (See The Organ Arms, above). - Rating 4/5

The Cuss Arms - Judgewood [18,18]

The thought of a pub on the quiet back streets of Judgewood might conjure up ideas of understated elegance and a gentrified ambience. Sadly, not all pubs live up to this standard, and others fall down badly. The Cuss Arms is definitely in this latter category. This small two-floor pub was heaving on our Friday night visit and the main section was for standing only - akin to those large chain bars in Caiger Mall, but without the size. Notably striking were the bright yellow walls and garden furnituresque chairs, which made it look like the lobby of a one star hotel in Greece. On the drinks front, we treated to perhaps the worst poured pint of Guinness in history and a lipstick-stained glass of wine, all from lacklustre staff. However, the worst aspect of this otherwise poor pub was the apparent lack of extraction or ventilation. Pubs can traditionally be smoky when crowded, but the antismoking lobby would have a field day in this place, as after only 20 minutes our clothes reeked so heavily of smoke we decided it was time to move onto new, fresher pastures. - Rating 2/5

The McDonnell Arms - Shuttlebank [30,17]

A brief stopover at the McDonnell Arms revealed a surprising and hidden gem. This small and quaint pub is secreted away just behind a large Necrotech corporation office, The Frappell Building, and was busy at lunchtime with scientist staff popping in for a bite to eat. I can see why it is popular as a midday retreat, the food was excellent!. A well selected standard pub menu ranging from fish-and-chips to burgers and pasta. I chose the burger, where they found such high quality meat in these troubled times is anyone's guess but it sure was tasty!. The beers were not particularly exiting but passable enough to wash down the excellent food. On the other hand the beer was so cheap we must have put away barrels of the stuff!!, we were in fact so drunk that I've not seen 2 of my compatriot 5punk pub crawlers since, I think I remember one of them wandering off to the bathroom, maybe he got lost in the kitchen... Conclusion: Excellent non-fancy food, boring beer but super cheap - Rating 4/5

The Hardinge Arms - Shore Hills [38,54]

With the 5punk Pub Crawl due to be resumed, the author found himself holing up in the Hardinge Arms on the way home to the Waugh. Even though the second Pub Crawl has not yet started, this traveller felt that a special mention is deserved. Lots of care has obviously been taken restoring the pub since the quarantine, and their slogan "The Classiest Bar in Malton" isn't far from the truth. The Hardinge Arms is well populated and has an excellent selection of beers and spirits, as well as a friendly and welcoming atmosphere. On top of this, the author entered the pub to be greeted by a full acoustic rendition of 'Afternoon Delight'. A very pleasant, relaxed night was had and my only regret is that I was too tired after helping with the effort to retake Fort Creedy to be able to socialise much. Full marks! - Rating 5/5

Next Stop

The hospital, Pub Crawl on hold while we wait for liver transplants

Coming Soon!

A drunken mess!