The Pluto Press Issue 6

The Pluto Press Current Issue | Old Issues | The Editor | DORIS Current Issue NEVAR FORGET News Sooper Sekret Special Why You Need Moar DORIS Sig of the Issue Guest Article and Apology NEVAR FORGET News Man Spontaneously Grows a Pair After a heated argument in which one Canderous Ordo was told to "grow a pair", he spontaneously grew another pair of testicles out of sheer will power. Still baffled, scientists, especially smoking hot blonde ones, have spent days felating and massaging them to find out the secret behind his powers. Malton Block Party Busted The Malton Block Party, sponsored by the Department of Emergency Management, was busted by officers of Internal Affairs. The IA have long suspected the Malton Police Department of spending city funding on alcohol, food, and other entertainment. Many officers, obviously intoxicated, were arrested and placed in the city jail. If convicted these officers can face suspension without pay or worse, fired. Haunted School Not Really Haunted A school once believed to be haunted turns out to be inhabited by starving feral children, not ghosts. Brogan Boulevard School, long believed to be home to an evil pirate ghost named Captain Green Pegleg and his mount Frigid the panda, was instead home to roughly 30 children between the ages of 9 and 12 years of age. Survivors rummaging through the Crowbank school found several little children eating the carcass of rodent and immediately thought they were zombies and dispatched them with their firearms. Police do not plan on pressing charges. Soon after this encounter a team of investigators announced that the strange noises and moaning were from the children locked inside the building with only Pull doors from the inside, while they tried to push. City officials, who no longer fear the building since it is not haunted, plan on demolishing the building. The City Council has no comments on plans to remove children before demolition. Treweeke Mall Under New Management Without the Dulston Alliance to properly run Treweeke Mall the city of Malton has placed the mall under zombified management. "These new managers will work tireless to keep [Treeweeke] mall running and not in disrepair." Said the Secretary of Finances. "Maybe they'll turn a profit. The mall hasn't seen profit in years." GioV Arrested for Inappropriate Touching While everyone may be gay for GioV, one member of the Creedy Defense Force did not. GioV claims, "But I thought everyone in the CDF was gay!", a common mistake. Buildings in Ruin: Mayor Instead Funds Top Secret Company As most citizens on Malton know, the city is in ruins. Most buildings are collapsing and falling apart. Around half of the buildings are abandoned with only vagrants sleeping in them occasionally. When asked to spend city funding on urban restoration the Mayor instead diverted the funds toward a secret government company called NecroTech. When accused of not caring about the city's population the Mayor replied, "No. Only the minorities." Axes High Disbands After a long haul the volunteer fire fighter group, Axes High, officially disbands. Prominent member, Hardcore Rockabilly, decided that there was enough Axes High and pulled the plug.º Blanemcc Declares Victory Against all odds Blanemcc won the largest outnumbered war ever recorded in Malton history. After declaring war on every known group in Malton, including his own, victory was reached. Many survivors of the epic battles point to the fact that no one knew Blane was even a PKer. Throughout the battle, as gun shots rang in their ears and axes swung at their faces, humans and zombies alike were too distracted asking the popular question, "Blane is a pker?" Their confusion gave Blane enough time to deliver lethal blows. Unfortunately Blane was not able to bask in his victory as he soon threw himself from a one story building, killing himself. Sooper Sekret Special DORIS Attacks Fort Creedy For unknown reasons DORIS has attacked the military installation, Fort Creedy. But the great Pluto Press would not be happy with just unknown reasons. No. This newspaper is dedicated to providing the truth, or at least any information close to it or in the general vicinity and/or ball park. After doing some serious intense research our journalists believe the murderous group are attacking the Fort because a planet told them to. Why You Need Moar DORIS You need more DORIS because... You wanna rock You wanna rock and roll all nite You were diagnosed with cancer Clay Aiken is gay You do not drink wine coolers You sometimes have explosive diarrhea You want to be the bad boy that girls like Sig of the Issue Senator Ted Kennedy was an original DORIS who joined the Grigg Heights invasion. As an Egotistical Maniac Ted Kennedy would say and do stupid things like hit innocent people with his car. Kennedy's title is Lifeguard of the Populat. His duties as Lifeguard include, but are not limited to: saving innocent people, applying suntan lotion, having a gay little white nose, checking out babes, running down the beach in slow motion, having a perfect six pack and pecks, and being totally cool. Guest Article and Apology Racial Violence Rampant in Malton By: TheUnremarkableHulk The Ronin Project, a research group funded by the religious group known as XIII, has been conducting an ongoing study of racially-motivated violence in Malton. Preliminary studies have reported dozens of attacks on innocent bystanders in the streets of Malton, many ending in death. The study has, so far, been limited to a handful of 5-block areas, but the findings are greater than even cynics could have imagined. Spokesmen from the Ronin project have estimated that there could be hundreds of instances of flagrant attacks on innocent bystanders in the streets of Malton every day, giving Malton the third worst street crime record in the world, barely falling behind Iraq and Detroit. When questioned, the mayor of Malton stated that the violence was limited to minority neighborhoods, and he would, therefore, do nothing. Researchers from the Ronin project, however, claim that government troops have also been implicated in the findings. Military groups such as the Army Control Corps have been implicated in an astonishing number of attacks, and more than half of all offenders reported by the Ronin project thus far have been members of the military. Prime Minister Gordon Brown, when questioned about these findings, said, “Minorities are getting shot by English troops? You call that news? Haven’t you ever heard of Margaret Thatcher? How about Falkland Islands? Northern Ireland?” Civilians are not guiltless in these matters. Local militias like the Dulston Alliance seem to encourage these hate crimes, and the Tompson Mall Security guards caught in the act have not been reprimanded in any way. The Burchell Arms Regulars, a group of alcoholics based in the NE known for members with sandy vaginas, also seem to actively promote racist attacks on innocent bystanders, as they have been implicated in more racially-charged attacks than any other group in Malton. One can only assume that these groups have encouraged racial violence because they are full of douchebags. Oddly enough, the MPD have not been implicated in any attacks on minorities, leading one to the conclusion that British cops are much more discreet when attacking minorities than Americans. The Sons of Pluto and the secular nation of DORIS have not been implicated in any instances of prejudice or violence against our fellow man. This is, of course, because Pluto’s love and forgiveness are infinite. Several persons implicated in the Ronin research project have stated that they only attack minorities because they feel insecure about the size of their penises when compared to the mighty penises of members DORIS, which are glorious to behold... you know, if beholding penises is your thing. Pluto doesn’t judge. But I do. Apology The Pluto Press would like to make an apology for the last issue. Apparently the editor accidently made comments that would imply that Alphacruss lives a heterosexual life style. The Pluto Press retracts this statement and would like to wish Alphacruss a great life and that we at the Pluto Press respect his decisions. Old Issues The Pluto Press Issue 1 The Pluto Press Issue 2 The Pluto Press Issue 3 The Pluto Press Issue 4 The Pluto Press Issue 5 The Editor Canderous Ordo - Secular Leader of the Populat ºnot entirely accurate.