User:CaptainVideo/April fools
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"Some good old fashioned MOB propaganda in response to Escape"
By Marina
Depression Rampant in Survivor Community
Suicide pacts increasing as thousands lose hope; public-spirited zombie groups offer free counseling
After nearly five years of quarantine, Malton survivors are coming to understand that not only is no permanent cure for zombification forthcoming, but that the government and outside organizations have truly abandoned them to their fate. Unsurprisingly, this traumatic realization is causing depression and delusions in thousands of survivors, and many of them have been gathering in Owsleybank to appeal to a higher power.
The movement's leaders pattern their actions on the famous zombie strike of 2005, but in contrast, the goals of this movement are unclear at best. Do they wish for a sort of rapture for all survivors, abandoning Malton to its zombified residents? Do they expect to be released into society, leaving other survivors behind? Do they believe that enough agitation on their part will prompt the government to finally destroy both survivor and zombie alike? Those who believe in a higher power refuse to answer, saying only that they leave Malton's fate in his hands. Many do not even believe in the mercy of this higher power, yet they gather, wondering what will happen next.
Some survivors have gone so far as to propose mass suicide, should appeals to this higher power not produce the (as yet unknown) desired effects. Although some scoff at this method, seeing death as only temporary in this environment, these survivors insist that they would resist the temptation to ever stand up again. It is unknown how many of those advocating mass suicide are zealots for the cause, wholeheartedly prepared for permanent death, and how many of them are simply being pressured into agreeing to jump to bolster the emotional appeal to the higher power. Many worry that the weakened mental state of many depressed survivors is a contributing factor to the proposed suicide pact, and urge survivors to treat their depression instead of throwing away their lives. After all, it's a well-documented fact that the survivor lifestyle is incredibly taxing, and even for the strongest survivors, the stress of day-to-day life in Malton is so punishing that, combined with the near total lack of Vitamin D (easily remedied by exposure to sunshine) depression is a natural, even an expected reaction.
Leading zombie groups such as the MOB, RRF, Minions of the Apocalypse, Feral Undead and No Escape have gathered in the area and are committed not only to helping to treat the depression of any new recruits, but also to providing those truly determined to follow through with their suicide pacts with a complimentary early execution of their plans. We provide trained postmortem-adjustment counselors, skilled in integrating former survivors into the zambah community, and our brothers and sisters excel in helping others find companionship, dinner and BARHAH.
Survivors of Malton, there's no reason to throw your life away. Cast it away instead, and join us in BARHAH!
The Survivor Depression Checklist
Do you exhibit signs of depression? If you answer yes to one or more of these questions, please seek treatment immediately. MOB counselors are waiting outside your safehouse to help change your life and bring you to BARHAH.
The Serenity Prayer, Malton Edition
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to jump off that ledge; and the wisdom to find BARHAH!
Suicide pacts increasing as thousands lose hope; public-spirited zombie groups offer free counseling
After nearly five years of quarantine, Malton survivors are coming to understand that not only is no permanent cure for zombification forthcoming, but that the government and outside organizations have truly abandoned them to their fate. Unsurprisingly, this traumatic realization is causing depression and delusions in thousands of survivors, and many of them have been gathering in Owsleybank to appeal to a higher power.
The movement's leaders pattern their actions on the famous zombie strike of 2005, but in contrast, the goals of this movement are unclear at best. Do they wish for a sort of rapture for all survivors, abandoning Malton to its zombified residents? Do they expect to be released into society, leaving other survivors behind? Do they believe that enough agitation on their part will prompt the government to finally destroy both survivor and zombie alike? Those who believe in a higher power refuse to answer, saying only that they leave Malton's fate in his hands. Many do not even believe in the mercy of this higher power, yet they gather, wondering what will happen next.
Some survivors have gone so far as to propose mass suicide, should appeals to this higher power not produce the (as yet unknown) desired effects. Although some scoff at this method, seeing death as only temporary in this environment, these survivors insist that they would resist the temptation to ever stand up again. It is unknown how many of those advocating mass suicide are zealots for the cause, wholeheartedly prepared for permanent death, and how many of them are simply being pressured into agreeing to jump to bolster the emotional appeal to the higher power. Many worry that the weakened mental state of many depressed survivors is a contributing factor to the proposed suicide pact, and urge survivors to treat their depression instead of throwing away their lives. After all, it's a well-documented fact that the survivor lifestyle is incredibly taxing, and even for the strongest survivors, the stress of day-to-day life in Malton is so punishing that, combined with the near total lack of Vitamin D (easily remedied by exposure to sunshine) depression is a natural, even an expected reaction.
Leading zombie groups such as the MOB, RRF, Minions of the Apocalypse, Feral Undead and No Escape have gathered in the area and are committed not only to helping to treat the depression of any new recruits, but also to providing those truly determined to follow through with their suicide pacts with a complimentary early execution of their plans. We provide trained postmortem-adjustment counselors, skilled in integrating former survivors into the zambah community, and our brothers and sisters excel in helping others find companionship, dinner and BARHAH.
Survivors of Malton, there's no reason to throw your life away. Cast it away instead, and join us in BARHAH!
The Survivor Depression Checklist
Do you exhibit signs of depression? If you answer yes to one or more of these questions, please seek treatment immediately. MOB counselors are waiting outside your safehouse to help change your life and bring you to BARHAH.
- I feel unhappy all the time (yes/no)
- I feel hopeless or powerless (yes/no)
- I'm stuck passively waiting for a higher power to change my life (yes/no)
- I just can't take the idea of searching for another round of ammo or sharpening my katana again (yes/no)
- I don't feel the camaraderie with my friends that I used to (yes/no)
- I feel like I just can't win (yes/no)
- I feel crushingly lonely (yes/no)
- I don't have the motivation even to put up barricades anymore (yes/no)
- I avoid duties like checking the revive points and healing others (yes/no)
- I don't even feel satisfied by making a perfect headshot (yes/no)
- I feel tired all the time (yes/no)
- I spend my time with fruitless busywork like smashing bottles (yes/no)
- I can't take yet another can of beans (yes/no)
- I worry about what the repeated revives are doing to my system (yes/no)
- I have suicidal thoughts (yes/no)
- No really, that ledge looks like my best friend (yes/no)
- Or I could just walk right into the horde (yes/no)
- I have a plan for harming myself (yes/no)
- I'm being influenced by my friends' suicidal talk (yes/no)
- I would be happier if it was all over (yes/no)
The Serenity Prayer, Malton Edition
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to jump off that ledge; and the wisdom to find BARHAH!
