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Current Issue

NEVAR FORGET News

Sooper Sekret Special

Why You Need Moar DORIS

Sig of the Issue

Malton in Review II

Blane Tracker

NEVAR FORGET News

"Cut This Zombie Crap"
- In response to the October 14th Update, survivor Leader Jensonson of the Fortress issued a statement to all zombies telling them to "stop it" and "cut this zombie crap" or else it's "ba-da-bing ba-da-boom". Jensonson warned zombie leaders like Moloch and Jorm to "end this garbage" in 48 hours unless they want a "world class ass kicking." After issuing the statement Jensonson added, "Nobody is getting away with this when Jenny and his boys are in town." Then in a private meeting with Kevan, the overseer of Malton, he supposedly urged Kevan to give him and his boys some M-16's to "show'dem zombo knuckle heads who runs this town."

Just A Teenage Wasteland
- Malton Officials are concerned that too many teenagers are living on the streets with dangerous weapons. Ever since the breakout, more and more people have reported gangs of teenagers, often 13-15 years old but sometimes as young as 11. One man was quoted saying, "It's weird, you know? A lot of the survivors I see are just kids, and they dress in these wild trenchcoats and carry cardboard katanas on their backs. What scares me the most is seeing them jump out of buildings and firing wildly at zombies in the streets. Kids shouldn't be doing this; they belong in school."

RRF Attacks Ridleybank
- After nearly two years of constant battle with survivors, the RRF once again prepares to attack Ridleybank in anticipation to the 5th of November 2008 attack. As many are aware of, Ridleybank is a survivor-held suburb that zombies continue to attack despite not being able to ever hold onto it. As one survivor put it, "They come in, eat a couple of people, get kicked out, and repeat a month or so later." Many survivors are fed up with the RRF's Candyland invasions saying it is worthless.

50% of Gibsonton Reports Are Fake All of the Time
- A recent study has concluded that half of the reports coming from the unimportant suburb of Gibsonton are in fact always wrong. Scientists have attributed this to the fact that Garviel Loken is the only person making these reports. The other 50% would be correct if there was someone else making the claims.

Blane Defeated!!!
- The wrecking ball known as Blane has collapsed. Blane and his men were last seen in full retreat after their last declaration of war. Once within a safe distance Blane was able to recount the tales of the battle. "I recently declared war on the Wind but no matter what we do, nothing affects it. No armor that we wore could protect us from the wind. It's useless. AGGHHGGHHHG!" Blane then spasmed and hit the ground, saying he felt a breeze.

Romance Column Fails to Attract
- After last week's failed Column by GioV to give romantic advice, the Pluto Press has issued a statement. "We, namely the Editor, blame the community, not because of apathy but because of being pathetic. It is obvious they did not ask for advice because they do not like dating, or girls, or anything for that matter. We did however get a lot of homosexual questions but decided not to print them. We do appreciate your enthusiasm, namely Alphacruss and Kickashy and Gorvil, but we do not allow those type of immoral issues in our upstanding newspaper."

Grim Overthrows Malton
- Facing felony charges and possible jail time, Grim, an upstanding member of the community, did the only thing reasonable; he picked up Malton and threw it. Judges on the scene graded his throw and deemed that it missed the target by some hundred meters. Grim was so upset by his overthrow that he imposed a self-exile upon himself and left Malton in a disheveled mess from being overthrown. Boxy, another upstanding citizen, said "I forgive Grim. He didn't mean it. He had the best intentions and in the heat of the moment he overthrew Malton. If he landed it on target maybe things would be different with him in charge. Hopefully he comes back."

Dulston Alliance Disbands; Forms Culture Club Tribute Band
- In a press conference the Dulston Alliance announced their intentions to disband the organization in favor of creating a Culture Club Tribute Band. "It's been a good run. We got killed a lot, shot a couple of zombies in the streets, pretended we defeated some PKers, and fought the DEM. But now I think it's time to move onto something different. We all love Culture Club so we thought, 'Why not create a tribute band?' And that's how we got the idea. Our first concert will be next week at Floyde Stadium", said Kikashie dressed as Boy George.

Sooper Sekret Special

Epic DORIS Concert Sold Out; Rocks the House

In what some call the best concert of the century the Pluto cult group known as DORIS performed in Clapton Stadium, a much more upscale stadium than Floyde and especially Rodges, Monday night to a crowd of over 9000. Their playlist included classics such as Don't Stop Believing - Journey, Every Rose Has Its Thorn - Poison, etc. But what really stole the show was their encore, Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen. Saying the crowd wanted more was an understatement. This reporter for the Pluto Press had to escape the stadium when the audience began rioting, shooting each other, zombies, and in some cases themselves. Luckily we were able to procure a bootleg of the show but only the encore was clear enough for us to decipher and print and a small portion clear enough to view. Concert here.

Why You Need Moar DORIS

You need more DORIS because...

You know the b-b-b-b-bird is the word
It's more than a feeling, when you hear that old song they used to play
It's been such a long time, you think you should be going
You understand about indecision, but you dont care if you get behind.
People livin in competition, all you want is to have peace of mind.
You're so vain, you probably think this issues about you
You're the best around, no one's ever gonna bring you down

Sig of the Issue

Space Butler was a DORIS recruit who helped in reclaiming Steve Irwin's statue in Yagoton. As a Lazy Bastard, Space Butler would sit around and ignore the calls from his boss for tea with cream and sugar. Space Butler's title is Incompetent Butler of the Populat. His duties as Incompetent Butler include, but are not limited to: not answering calls, ignoring his boss, accidentally dropping food on the floor but serving it anyway, forgetting to lock the doors, hanging up phone calls if he doesn't like the person, not refilling the toilet paper, and finally eating the last cookies.

Malton in Review II

Once again the Pluto Press has sent out its investigators into the city of Malton to look for places that would be ideal or best avoided. In coordination with the Unamusing Locations in Malton we bring you this special:

The William Museum - It's a small museum in Reganbank full of impressionist art. J3D and Nallan were absolutely right on this one; it's completely unamusing.

A warehouse - Deep inside downtown Kinch Heights is a warehouse. Inside you'll find boxes and maybe some tools. I am completely unamused as predicted.

Pickford Cinema - Nallan went on and on about this place through the whole walk there. "You won't believe how unamusing this place is." Well, he knows his stuff. The theater was very bare and played only lackluster movies like Pluto Nash and The Patriot. I stayed around to watch What Women Want since they offered free popcorn. They had no melted butter.

The Bransom Building - I almost lost Nallan and J3D on our travels north and tried to get into the Silcock and Alcock buildings, thinking any building with the word "cock" in it had to be amusing (I mean dick jokes are still funny, right?). Unfortunately they found me and took me to this building. It was so boring I actually started laughing, which scared my two guides. They immediately took me to another location to try to show me its unamusing qualities.

Edkins Auto Repair - It's a repair shop that only fixes Oldsmobiles. I'm pretty sure that lineup of cars was discontinued. I swear if they take me to another crap place I will kill them both.

Millen Hills and Lamport Hills - I killed them. I had to do it. Oh god...I had to! They went on and on and on about this group of suburbs. We finally got there and they shout "It's the Hills Sisters!" I shot them both right there and buried their corpses under...

A junkyard - I buried them both here. It was a landfill of just furniture and wood scraps. I was amused for once and decided to give their list one more chance, even though they were both dead.

the Fish Building - According to their list they scribbled "the fish building, where the 1901 fish market collapsed when too much fish were piled onto tables". God damn it...

A junkyard - I had too...I had to travel back and dig up their corpses just to beat the crap out of them one more time. That isn't unamusing! It's not amusing either! It's just plain stupid.

Note to editor: I quit.