Dulston Infection Treatment and Prevention Squad/News
All news posters are reminded to place the most current news items at the top so that older news items are moved downwards. Important news items require the poster to sign them in order to add validity to the claim. Unsigned urgent news posts by unknown users will be ignored and/or deleted at our discretion. Please note that news entries are not always kept up-to-date, so inactivity here does not signify the demise of our group. Readers are instead directed to check the official DITPS forum or the member group forum section as provided within the Dulston Alliance's main forum. Above all else, keep the news informative and interesting. Or funny. Or all of the above.
March 10th, 2009 - Os heer I wsa lsitnegin ot hte rdaoi wnhe I relaizde tath msto fo teh poelpe uigns ti aer itiods. I mane od yuo haer whta's bineg siad abuot teh Dlustno Alialnec? Peru cpra. Btu yuo hvea ot ltisten ot ti bceuase on noe wnsta ot eb btohrede ot chnage teh feruqenyc. Lzay bmus. Jstu ot ste teh rceodr srtaigth, teh Alainlce si udniludet aewsmoe. Fi oru Alilacen wree aynmroe aswemoe ew wuold epxldoe no cnotcat lkie fcukni' ntiro-glceyrnie. Bmoo! ... Whta? Wtha's wongr wthi yuo? Yuo kepe lokoign ta em lkie M'i carzy. Yuo'er caryz! March 7th, 2009 - Dear Diary. We all had a rough few days recently and, as always, I wanted to take a few moments to express my thoughts here. The world can be a cruel place, filled with jerks, and most of those jerks happen to also be zombies. Zombies are by definition jerks. I mean, when was the last time a survivor walked into your beloved home of Junktopia, pulled you into the streets, and then ate your brains? F**kin' never, that's what. Oh sure, I suppose a survivor could shoot you, but most of the locals with guns and the urge to use them on their fellow survivors are pretty limp-wristed, if you know what I mean. And if you don't then you're a zombie spy! Stop reading my diary zombie spy! Where was I? Ah yes. Some zombies even had the nerve to kill Deathwire inside his beloved Junktopia, so he has now sworn a Nordic(?) Oath of Vengeance upon all zombies. I think that means he plans to kill them and eat their hearts. Nothing says "vengeance" like a good old fashioned heart eating. Eating someone's heart is like saying: I'm angry, but working through my anger imaginatively. Of course we all know you can't go about eating rotten zombie hearts raw, no siree, you gotta baste that sucker in its own juices, or lacking "juices" pouring on the fuel, then you light that puppy (not a real puppy, rather the heart) on fire with a handy flare gun. Voila, you get that flavorful roasted zombie heart that everyone always talks about on the Dining Channel, which isn't so much a "channel" as the window into the insane asylum where we lock-up the mental patients. Those guys sure are entertaining. Well, it's been a blast Diary, but I have to go now and flambé some zombies. They won't light themselves on fire. Even though that would obviously help speed things up... the jerks. March 1st, 2009 - Fedora Watch '09 is back, bringing you up-to-date coverage of Rotten Ray's fedora status. In a marked turn of events we see that the Hang 'Em High competition played a pivotal role in attacks against Ray, in addition to random zombie maulings. These kills proved costly, as his hat has slowly become exposed to further degrees of wear-and-tear. And blood. Lots and lots of blood. We here at the D.I.T.P.S feel for Ray and his hat. We want him to know that we stand beside him, and God willing, when the time is right he can get a new hat from the Hat Store at Tompson Mall.  In other news, a betting pool has started up in the office as D.I.T.P.S members place bets as to how long it will take before Ray finally breaks and either drops his current hat or runs off to get a new hat at the mall. Thought for the Day: It sure would be nice if survivors could get their clothing cleaned and repaired... perhaps a new Tailor class for Civilians? Something to get Malton's economy out of this zombie-imposed recession. February 28th, 2009 - Today marked the end of the Hang 'Em High bounty hunter competition, which for most of the D.I.T.P.S did not mean too much since we're all doctors. Of course for one person it was a big deal and that person was none other than Rotten Ray, the D.I.T.P.S Security Captain. In a effort to show just how capable he was at his new job Ray set out to prove he was the best of the best when it came to hunting criminals. For a majority of the competition Ray dominated, sitting in 1st place without any real competitors for over a month. It was only in the final week that his position was finally contested and in the 11th hour, the Hang 'Em High trophy ended up not only in the hands of Ray, but also those of his worthy rival Ottari too, as the competition ended in a "by the skin of your teeth" draw. Even so, Rotten Ray now holds the title of Northeast Marshal. February 27th, 2009 - Today is the 3rd Anniversary of the Dulston Alliance. We all promised each other we would go to the Burchell Arms and get s**tfaced drunk, but then people actually started showing up at our hospital and wanted us to heal them. The nerve! Didn't they know we all had plans? We tried to explain this but couldn't get a word in edgewise with all their screaming and begging. Even so, we are doctors and we felt obligated to help them out. As such, we never did get to attend the party. In other news, Doctor How was waiting for a revive so he could get back to work, when he encountered Sir James Frazer of 404: Barhah not found. The following is a song and a true story:  February 19th, 2009 - Nostaligia was the order of the day, as Rotten Ray noticed that for the first time, in some time, several older D.I.T.P.S members had apparently decided to come into work. Stepping into St Anacletus's Hospital Ray was comforted by this sight. With Arrowsmith now back from his vacation/retirement/failed escape attempt, Deathwire decided to share his own personal style of sentimentality by re-living a past historical moment of his own. Ah, those were the days. February 13th, 2009 - Over here at the D.I.T.P.S ranks and promotions must be earned, and whether or not you have earned anything is determined by the steely gaze of none other than Deathwire, the Chief of Staff at Anne General Hospital! As if years under the hard yoke of Deathwire's management is not enough the following fully emphasizes the overall situation within the D.I.T.P.S: Rotten Ray: "What was it Deathwire said about old DITPS never escaping his grasp? I spotted John Harbor sitting inside Walbutton NT over in Rhodenbank and invited him to come back. He was from before my time, I think, but another retired member coming back would annoy Caleb Usher, so I thought I'd take the liberty..." Deathwire: " Rotten Ray: "Oooooooh! So close..." February 9th, 2009 - In an effort to rally support among Alliance troops, Deathwire unveiled the following plan to the Dulston Alliance high council, "Gentlemen, Dulston is in shambles. In times like this, it is up to the D.I.T.P.S to develop a plan that will save our fair suburb from being in such a state indefinitely. Ergo, I propose Operation Awesome Pwnerate Go!. Every member of the Dulston Alliance shall hereto rally in Junkitopia. After a brief civil war to retake control from the Nationalist Crushed Car Party, we shall be able to prepare for our assault into Dulston from there. Once our army is prepared to strike from Junkitopia, we shall charge Howell Library, or Club Mold if Howell is not ruined. If neither are ruined, then we'll simply kill FOXHOUND and eat cake. "Our valiant soldiers will rush the target location all at once, charge inside, and punch to death any zombies they find. The zombies shall feel the wrath of our fists of steel! With our forces having satiated their bloodlust and reclaimed Howell Library, or Club Mold, we can barricade the living hell out of it. Given time to prepare, we shall be able to make our next move: We will blow-up the Bridgman Building. "What?" you say, "But we'll lose a NecroTech building!". I ask you though, what is inside a NecroTech building? An unlimited supply of syringes. By blowing-up the Bridgeman Building, every zombie in the area will be revived by randomly falling syringes, not the mention that the streets of Dulston will be littered with syringes, thus making it possible to search them for syringes. We will have converted every street in Dulston into a NecroTech building. And that, gentlemen, is the very essence of the brilliance that is Operation Awesome Pwnerate Go!. Thank you." February 3rd, 2009 - The following was a partial recording from a staff meeting between D.I.T.P.S staff at an undisclosed hospital location outside not-so-DULLston. What you are about to hear, or read, is the untarnished truth of life inside D.I.T.P.S, so sit back and enjoy the ride: Doctor How: "...-head over to Anne's ASAP." Rotten Ray: "Probably not such a good idea at the moment... Both hospitals are sacked." Robicus: "Speak for yourselves, Blaise General Hospital is up and running, which means it's the best hospital in Dulston... we are even outside the sphere of influence of Deathwire's sentient golems." Rotten Ray: "Oh no you didn't!" Robicus: "Oh yes I did!" Orophin Minyatur: *snap, snap, snap* Deathwire: "In other news, we're cutting the Field Team budget. They must now pay us to operate." Robicus: "Well then the statues can come and collect payment themselves." Deathwire: "The DITPS uses a mail service now; Please mail it to our main headquarters: Anne General. Selling used cars wasn't lucrative. Zombies keep causing traffic to be backed up." January 29th, 2009 - Deathwire, who was away on sick-leave, returned recently to report on the latest conspiracy theory against him, "For the entire duration of my sick leave, I managed to stay alive. Almost nobody, except for Ruben Kincaid who is a nobody, tried to kill me. The very day I recover, whammo! Death to Deathwire. I'm starting to think I'd only die if I was the leader of the DITPS. During that whole 'You're not the boss of us, Deathwire' shenanigans period, I mysteriously stopped dying. For a long while I survived. Then while I was sick I handed over leadership to my statues. Again, I stopped dying. But now I'm leader again and bam, I'm dead. This is FOXHOUND's fault. Also note the fifteen zombies outside Anne General. They're always after me hospital!" January 28th, 2009 - It was a busy day today for the D.I.T.P.S as the line-up outside Anne General Hospital extended around the corner with zombie patients eager for their headshots. When survivors inquired with D.I.T.P.S staff about the influx of zombies outside they were told the D.I.T.P.S had posted/tagged the proper advertisement outside the hospital days in advance, so they were not in the least bit surprised when zombies started flocking to the hospital barricades eager for medical attention. "After all, it's Flu season, so you gotta give them their shots!" And there you have it! The D.I.T.P.S, helping stem the tide of infection in fair Dulston. January 18th, 2009 - NEWS FLASH! The D.I.T.P.S have stepped up their efforts to find fresh recruits among the chaff that is Dulston's survivor populace. To further these goals Rotten Ray, a Resident Physician with the D.I.T.P.S made his sales pitch to an enthralled crowd of people who were trapped inside the zombie-sieged hospital. In other news, Deathwire wanted to make it clear to everyone that fun time was over and that he was through playing games with Anne General Hospital's tag. To those who didn't get the message, he wanted to make it clear. So people, stop screwing around. Unofficially everyone else in the D.I.T.P.S thinks re-tagging is pretty funny. January 13th, 2009 - From time to time people ask us, "Who is Deathwire?", and we like to pretend we don't know. But deep in our hearts we do know him. We all know him. And while I would like to say mere words cannot describe him... yes... yes they can:  January 11th, 2009 - Despite success in the brief, unexpected and completely bloodless, war with FOXHOUND, D.I.T.P.S Chief of Staff, Deathwire's, almost absolute grip on D.I.T.P.S pseudo-leadership slipped today when his reliance on the administrative tool of public humiliation known as "demotion" was met by unexpected results within the staffroom. The incident began like any other, with a totally routine random demotion due to his surprise that we had already won the war: Caleb Usher: "I heard the war was over and you guys had won! Great job everyone!" Deathwire: "But..I didn't..I wanted to..I didn't even get to give a speech! I had a brilliant battle plan all thought up! It involved exploiting the weaknesses of FOXHOUND to reap our revenge! F**k you, Caleb! Can't demote ye..Yer demoted, Rotten Ray!" Rotten Ray: "Demotion, promotion, commotion, emotion, lack of devotion...whatever. Wait a second...that demotion had ABSOLUTELY NO EFFECT on me WHATSOEVER! I'm free! Free at last! HA HA! Go ahead! Demote me AGAIN! Thank you sir, may I have another! HA HA HA HA! Oh this opens so many possibilities! I have to go away and plot! Free Pudding for all in the lobby of SAH!" Free pudding being synonymous with International Communism, Deathwire contemplated his next move towards absolute totalitarian control. Faced with insurrection in the ranks, Deathwire responded with draconian new measures expressed in the form of two simple words (and it's not the ones you're thinking of): Deathwire: "Pay cut." Rotten Ray: "Interesting tactic. Well played. May I counter with SEXUAL HARASSMENT SUIT?" Deathwire: "No." While Deathwire had said no, his staff informed him that Rotten Ray was not really asking a question, Deathwire was left contemplating the sexy sexy turn that administration of that motley crew of meatball surgeon hippy pacifists had taken. More later, possibly with video footage of the incident at hand... January 7th, 2009 - Deathwire reported that he made a special exception today when he performed a house call on the notorious, if poorly described, criminal He's dead Jim. We here at D.I.T.P.S enjoy our jobs, which includes healing, reviving, and laying the smack down. January 6th, 2009 - The war is over and D.I.T.P.S won! Rumor and conjecture has it the war was very glorious, or so we naturally assume because no one has any actual details about any fighting. Nevertheless, in the end Deathwire made the declaration after it was determined not even a single D.I.T.P.S member had died at the hands of heavily-armed FOXHOUND agents. Is there any other possible explanation other than the fact that the D.I.T.P.S's stance of "No comment!" had forced FOXHOUND to back down? Obviously none that we're willing to consider. La-la-la-la! Not listening. January 5th, 2009 - Between random zombie attacks, rumours swirl among D.I.T.P.S members at both Anne General and St. Anacletus's Hospitals that they may soon be going to war! For the first time since the Great Civil War of Arrowsmith Getting Defeated has war been openly discussed, even more so than the usual hushed whispers among secret followers of Arrowsmith or the splinter cell agents of noted NecroTech scientist, Caleb Usher. And what, you may ask, is the reason for war and for that matter, war against whom? The reason was nothing short of the great effrontery which had befallen Anne General Hospital, and the perpetrators of this heinous crime were none other than FOXHOUND! Yes, FOXHOUND, once believed to be a staunch ally of the D.I.T.P.S, they have finally shown their true colours and are now blamed in instigating a crime that might best be described using the single word "supercalifragilicious-expealidocious"... though even we're not sure why... but regardless, FOXHOUND operatives committed an act of high treason in the eyes of the Greater Good. The hospital has since been re-tagged, but Deathwire was not amused, as the tag was said to have quote 'raped his eyes' unquote. When later questioned as to the exact ramifications this would have on D.I.T.P.S-FOXHOUND relations he responded, "We're still thinking about it... don't rush us. I don't like being rushed."
January 4th, 2009 - In what may be considered the most shocking and scandalous news to ever be reported EVER, the D.I.T.P.S felt it was important to let the survivor community know about the undercurrent of oppression being brought down on the D.I.T.P.S by none other than FOXHOUND. Yes, you heard us correctly. FOXHOUND has been asking Deathwire for zombie protection money, or "zombie insurance" as it were, and when said money never appeared they began a vicious campaign of intimidation! The proof though was caught on film. At first they pulled their punches, but not long after wards the gloves came off. You may be asking, "But chronologically the first report came after the second report, so that chain of events is incorrect". Oh well, I bet you think you're so smart figuring that out. Well what if I told you Deathwire was a time traveler and he traveled into the past to get punched proving it happened after being slapped with the newspaper, what then jackass? Not so smug now that we've proven D.I.T.P.S Chief of Staff Deathwire is a motherf**king Time Lord! Yeah, and what's mor- what did you just say?!? You think I didn't hear that punk? And you know what else I know, I know where you live a**hole! That's right. I'm going to find you when you're asleep and I'm going to make you regret the day you were born!
January 1st, 2009 - What? We're all still alive? In all seriousness, we here at D.I.T.P.S believed the world was supposed to have ended with 2008. As such, no news was prepared. Uh, happy new year? December 25th, 2008 - The D.I.T.P.S would like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. This will now be a slow week/weekend as the D.I.T.P.S staff all enjoy vacation time. So patients are requested to hold their bleeding guts inside until next week when most of our members will be returning to duty. Until then hum Christmas carols, eat some roasted chestnuts, and other winter activities that don't involve exposing yourself to further zombie infection. December 19th, 2008 - Deathwire issued the following press release: "The war is won. Bury the dead. Today is the day we begin living the rest of our lives. For the Greater Good. Also, don't let the hospital fall this time. These statues are too awesome." December 12th, 2008 - For a change of pace, the D.I.T.P.S has decided not to issue a standard recon report or Deathwire commentary. Well, actually I don't even recall the last time D.I.T.P.S issued a formal recon report. The news really is just all about Deathwire these days... but NOT TODAY! No dear folks, today will be the first of many Q&A sessions with D.I.T.P.S staff so that we can all learn from their combined experience. Experience some might call wisdom, but not a sane person. Dear God no! Rather one of those crazy psychopaths D.I.T.P.S would keep locked up in a padded room. That sort of person. Let's begin! Question - Calcyon (Dec 12 2008, 10:32 AM) - "Anyone have a fairly safe place to hide?" An excellent question Calcyon. Hiding from zombies is an excellent way to avoid being eaten by zombies. Now let's turn to a veteran member of D.I.T.P.S for the answer... Answer - Rotten Ray (Dec 12 2008, 05:37 PM) - "You just need to follow these easy steps..." Step 1: Find Deathwire. Step 2: Stand next to Deathwire. Step 3: Watch Deathwire scream in agony as zombies come racing past closer, more easily accessible, tastier victims (even victims tied up and drenched in BBQ sauce) to bite, scratch and chew pieces off of Deathwire instead. Step 4: Heal Deathwire just enough to give the zombies something to chew on, because if Deathwire dies, the zombies will revert back to their normal behavior (i.e. attack everyone who isn't Deathwire...). Step 5: This will buy you time to abandon Deathwire and run to the next building, usually without a scratch... but you may wish to remain and watch because every Deathwire death-scene is Romero-esque in its noisy brutality (what with Deathwire's screams and the laughter of the other groups that may or may not be taking bets on how long he will last). "I've even seen zombies close the door after themselves making apologetic moans for disturbing us as they drag Deathwire out into the street for the happy zombie children to feast upon..." When asked to comment Deathwire had this to say, "...So damn true..god damn it...". And there you have it. Proof-positive you can't spell 'Delicious' without 'Deathwire', which would spell something like 'Deathwirelicious' I suppose. You know, that doesn't make half as much sense as it did in my head. Strange. December 11th, 2008 - In other news, AttackDestroyDie of FOXHOUND reported from St. Mark's Hospital in Rhodenbank with the following statement, "I liberated the hospital from Deathwire's grip, it's now the St. Suzumiya Hospital." It's unclear at this time whether this is good news, or bad news. Regardless, it's definitely very anime. December 10th, 2008 - Orophin Minyatur reported that he was now assisting survivors at the very clean St. Mark's Hospital. The hospital was so clean, in fact, that it required several bad jokes involving cleanliness to be issued. Deathwire responded with, "Clean up your attitude. It's too optimistic. What you can do is clean up crime by performing surgery on Mr. Loop. I saw him murder someone, which can only mean one thing: He's crazy. There is only one cure for insanity. Pistol Surgery™. Pew pew pew!" December 9th, 2008 - The following is a slightly inaccurate, but more humorous, re-enactment of an actual conversation that took place between members of the D.I.T.P.S staff: Rotten Ray: "That's it. I have to retire now... I have 9999 experience points." Deathwire: "Oh! So close to a promotion. You were that close. You healed Deathwire for the Greatest Good of All; perpetuating the madness that is the D.I.T.P.S possession of hospitals." Rotten Ray: "What is this 'pro...motion' that you speak of? I have never heard that word used while with the D.I.T.P.S..." Deathwire: "It's an archaic term. 'To give more work, to give more responsibility, and to make more accountable.'" Astounding, nail-biting action people! We couldn't make this stuff up even if we tried. In a bid to reclaim power while holding out in Rhodenbank, Deathwire made the following statement to the staff at St. Mark's Hospital. His offer was considered before he was finally thrown out into the street. More's the pity for them, for they have spurned Deathwire's glorious wisdom. Later, Deathwire made a further report from St. Mark's Hospital when he issued the following insightful statement, "Generally speaking, everyone is safe as long as I stand." December 3rd, 2008 - Deathwire reported that someone had spraypainted the following message at Anne General Hospital: Somebody has spraypainted Free Pudding! onto a wall. When asked to comment Deathwire had this to say, "I will kill every motherf**king zombie in motherf**king Dulston for removing my motherf**king tag and promoting free pudding in my bloody hospital!". While few people had any real interest into the reasons, or lack thereof, as to why Deathwire was so upset by the pudding advertisement he appeared more than willing to provide further details: "Everyone knows that during the Great Civil War of Arrowsmith Getting Defeated, the foolish rebels bombarded the hospital for days with tapioca pudding. While it's true that it came down on top of us in a way that would suggest it was my own trebuchet that was to blame and while there December 1st, 2008 - Deathwire reported, and I kid you not, that he was recently killed by zombies while November 23rd, 2008 - Deathwire reported, "The fools! Why would they repair the building when it was clear I would die first! What's worse is that Junkitopia has a zombie inside of it! That damned Nationalist Crushed Car Party was bound to run the place to its doom!" For those of you who are confused by this news we suggest reading the article posted on October 23rd for further details. As to the 'building' in question we here at the DITPS naturally assume Deathwire was referring to his beloved Anne General Hospital... but in all seriousness he rambles off-topic a lot and some of us here believe half of any conversation you have with him takes place entirely in his own mind, which would account for those periods where you would try to have a conversation with him, but all he does is stare back at you... really creepy-like... and then an hour or so later he starts talking like it never happened. What's up with that? November 22nd, 2008 - After many hardships, battles, and a bout of insomnia, Rotten Ray finally achieved his life-long dream when he reported, "OK, now that I've got my hat... (let's get down to business)". Proof? Here you go true believers!:  Frivolous? Very. Funny? No. News? Yes. November 17th, 2008 - Rotten Ray departed for Giddings Mall to assist with the medical needs of its survivors. But after a long, some would say short, and hard, some would say sad, fought battle the mall finally fell. While staying there Ray reported, "I did Giddings Mall. It was fun, but in the end frustrating because we SHOULDA WON DAMMIT! Instead of getting sucked into that, I think we should mount a guerrilla campaign and start running some MASH units with the emphasis on 'Mobile'. Failing that, I'm going to the Hat Store and getting that Black Fedora I've always wanted..." November 15th, 2008 - It is with heavy hearts that D.I.T.P.S reported the fall of Anne General Hospital. Despite the combined efforts of Deathwire and, probably, other members of D.I.T.P.S the zombies still managed to breach the building's defences and killed everyone inside. When asked to comment on the recent ruination of his beloved hospital and his subsequent death, Deathwire had this to say, "F**k everyone". As always D.I.T.P.S reports the truth, and nothing but the truth. November 6th, 2008 - Deathwire reported from Anne General Hospital with two words: "Mission accomplished." Anyone wishing to celebrate this glorious victory should line up for chocolate cake in the Anne General cafeteria promptly at 2:00 PM today. Anyone who wants additional slices of cake beyond their regulated 4"x4"x4" cube will need to fill out the new 1WN7-M0R-K4K Requisition Form in triplicate, as per the recent hospital rule change arbitrarily handed down by Deathwire. It's all for the Greater Good people. In other news, people died, the D.I.T.P.S revived and healed them, and the mall fell. Yadda-yadda-yadda. Boring. Who wants more cake? October 31st, 2008 - It's Halloween and we here at the D.I.T.P.S have learned that, yet again, the most popular costume was the standard zombie. It seems like it's been that way for the past 4 years and you would think people would get tired of it, but no, they just keep rehashing the same old costumes, assaulting people, and eating their brains. The D.I.T.P.S will be giving out free candy and expired medicine at all its hospitals this Halloween night, so drop by and get injected with something you'll hopefully find delightful and not deadly. As a reminder, if you happen to bump into Deathwire don't tell him his "costume" looks horrifying, because that always upsets him. October 24th, 2008 - Deathwire reported the following from Anne General Hospital, "Business as usual for the DITPS. Both of our hospitals are back up and running. We'll break out the flight suits and 'Mission Success' banners shortly." While D.I.T.P.S always encourages all its members to remain vigilant and provide medical support to the citizens of Dulston, we should never forget about decor. Everyone else is reminded to watch Hospital Designer Guys, which is on at 6:00 PM every Friday. October 23rd, 2008 - Deathwire reported, "I was hanging inside of a junkyard in Rhodenbank for about a week. I declared myself Emperor of Junkitopia and threw cans at anyone who came in. Our economy was very prosperous having been based entirely on bottle caps. At this time, I left the place in the charge of the Parliamentary Council of Junkitopia. We can only hope that the damned Nationalist Crushed Car Party is kept in check by the Greater Good Party of Junkitopia..." For those of you who are under the impression that every D.I.T.P.S news report of late has in fact only been the unstable ramblings of Deathwire, well, you would be right. I mean, that's all we're doing. Then again, it's not like you have any better to do or you wouldn't be here reading this. October 10th, 2008 - Deathwire reported, "Pow, right in the kisser! Finished off a zombie in Anacletus with my fists." A little known fact: Deathwire was five-time Little League state boxing champ when he was but a wee one. Later in life he abandoned his love of boxing in favour of studying medicine. No one knows why. Some say that to this day he can often be seen shadow boxing his way down hospital hallways, or when drunk, occasionally knocking out patients with his deadly left hook. Some might ask him why, but that's just the way he likes it. What do you mean that last sentence made no sense? I'll make no sense out of you! Fight! Fight! September 29th, 2008 - In a trend of, 'Not doing what we normally do', here is a report from Dr. Martin Arrowsmith, "Today, I made my first triple kill--three zombies in Anacletus, all in a row, then all dumped. Makes me think back to when I could barely hold a gun, much less pull the trigger. Ah, I think it might have been that seminar on pistol-surgery." This is how we like our reports. Long. Filled with unnecessary information. And awesome! September 27th, 2008 - In D.I.T.P.S many of our staff often make reports on the status of various buildings and peoples. This helps to facilitate a stronger tactical awareness of both the medical and safehouse situation in Dulston to the entire group. Usually we don't post those reports here. Today we decided otherwise. Healer computer2slow reported, "Anne breached. 5 inside. I took out 2 and then ran away screaming like a little girl." This is how we like our reports. Short. To the point. And funny. September 21st, 2008 - Deathwire was witnessed at the Battle of Anne General Hospital as having, and I quote, "Fought with the strength of TEN wisps!". Truly a stunning revelation. Healer computer2slow, who was a zombie at the time, recounted the scene, "(I was intent on) standing outside and scratching the eyes out of any zombies that came by, (but when I) got there Deathwire was outside at 10 health. As a former doctor I took a look and it didn't look so good." September 16th, 2008 - D.I.T.P.S wanted to advise its staff to keep an eye out for Whitlock WIZARD, who... unlike his name and group affiliation indicates, is not actually a member of WIZARD. This not only makes him a killer, but a liar as well. His mother must be very sad. The following report from the Inman Building reveals the crime in all its terrible glory and is therefore deemed unsuitable for young children, the elderly, and lamas. Viewer discretion is advised. August 26th, 2008 - Through a taxing war of attrition, a mob of 24 zombies finally managed to overwhelm Anne General Hospital's defenses and finished off the remaining survivors left inside the building. This was considered by many to have been a truly gruesome fight for the control of hospital with D.I.T.P.S members in the forefront of the fighting. It rumored that Deathwire, the hospital Chief of Staff, declared in his best General Douglas MacArthur voice, "I shall return". Setting in motion plans for the eventual retaking of the hospital by our team of highly-trained professionals. Now if only that "profession" were military oriented then that would probably have meant a lot more in this case.
July 10th, 2008 - Deathwire reported/ordered, "Minions, defend me! Everyone's getting cake fer this. Well, I am at least. Long story short, do I really need the help? No! Apparently I am invincible!" Whether Deathwire is, in fact, 'invincible' or simply 'invincible to knives', is still heavily under debate. For now enemies of the D.I.T.P.S will need to question their ability to harm Deathwire with sharp objects. Unfortunately for Deathwire, there are still many more effective ways to be killed in Malton. June 25th, 2008 - A deranged killer and ex-D.I.T.P.S member gone rogue, Perzeus, snuck into Anne General Hospital and murdered our beloved leaders, Deathwire (as seen here) and Flyte (as seen here). No doubt this disgruntled former employee needed more hugs as a child. Let that be a lesson to all parents: hug your children to prevent them from become homicidal sociopaths! April 7th, 2008 - Rotten Ray reported an unfortunate encounter with zombies in Dunningwood which left him very dead. When requested by D.I.T.P.S administration to fill out his "Cause of Death" form (in triplicate) he entered the cause as: "Headbutted to death". March 17th, 2008 - Anne General has, on the momentous day, achieved artistic glory. What do we mean? Well apparently so much artwork has been placed within the hospital that there is simply no more room for anything else. It's literally packed with artwork, mostly in the form of African Statues. With so much artwork here everyone inside the hospital by now must be irradiated with high levels of culture. Local science staff are curious whether this may lead to a higher consumption of fine wines and cheese by hospital staff. March 5th, 2008 - Jackspear9 had only just recently joined D.I.T.P.S, but he was soon to learn that not only was he assigned to guard Anne General Hospital, but that things were handled... differently... in Deathwire's hospital. The following is an actual conversation among D.I.T.P.S staff: soberdoc: "Just stay stay away from old man Deathwire (about 50 yards) and you'll do fine." Jackspear9: "Aw crud! I'm stuck in Anne General Hospital with HIM. He keeps bringing in African and cracked sculptures!" Flyte: "OH NO, NOT THE AFRICAN SCULPTURES!" The rest of the recording was garbled. That is all. February 19th, 2008 - D.I.T.P.S is fighting hard to hold onto St. Anacletus's Hospital against a zombie mob beating on our doors, which has been the case ever since the Second Big Bash came to Dulston. While most the Dulston Alliance continues efforts to reclaim northeast Malton from Pescodside, our members prefer to stay in the very heart of the conflict and provide much needed assistance to stranded survivors in zombie-infested Dulston. There is always a greater risk when working for the greater good. At this time there are 22 zombies outside the hospital, and another 2-3 zombies inside. Are we worried? Nah. January 15th, 2008 - Defective Swarm ran December 25th, 2007 - At this special time of year Deathwire showed his Christmas spirit by launching presents across Dulston, at high velocity, from his specially designed rooftop catapult. Many children woke up surprised to find various gifts lying among the broken glass of the bedroom windows or lodged firmly in the walls outside their safehouses. It was a Christmas miracle! No, not really. November 21st, 2007 - As hard-hitting news was few and far between, this news item instead focuses on less factual news... news one might instead refer to as "tabloid rumor". The rumor mill recently uncovered a potentially scandalous romance taking place between renowned doctor and leader of the D.I.T.P.S, Flyte, and Hannah Montanna, a member of Defective Swarm. Flyte denied these rumors with his standard "No comment! Are you on drugs?". We wish. Anywho, official comment aside, a past romantic scandal between Flyte and SweetHikari, a short-tempered former vandal, indicated that Flyte might be attracted to bad girls... or that bad girls are attracted to him. Either way, any romantic connection between Flyte and Hannah would no doubt be doomed as Flyte is known for healing people, while Hannah simply prefers to eat them. When asked to comment, noted NecroTech scientist Caleb Usher had this to say, "Hmm? What? How does this have anything to do with my study into Quantum Theory and Applied Thermodynamics in the Malton Incident? Are you even supposed to be at this meeting? Security!" It's believed that Caleb may have been concealing what facts he knew in order to help protect Flyte's standing within D.I.T.P.S. November 15th, 2007 - On the topic of recent death threats made against him, Deathwire had the following to say, "Dirty Rockstar said she is going to kill me for 'being a douche'. I dare say she is the douche and should kill herself instead, but I am a gentleman and will ergo only make fun of her and call her a failure at life should I ever find her trying to kill me." November 11th, 2007 - On this day did soberdoc, the long lost son of D.I.T.P.S, return back into the fold after having departed many days ago. Actually sometime last week to be specific. With the disbandment of his friend's group, The Lone Wolves, a group whose very name implied that working together as a group was doomed to failure, he has once more rejoined D.I.T.P.S. And now that he has returned he will never leave again, not because of any emotional bonds, but rather iron chains. Mmm-yes. Members only ever get one chance to escap-err leave D.I.T.P.S. After that they can expect a lifetime of November 9th, 2007 - It what is being termed a "recruitment drive" 4 new survivors joined the ranks of the D.I.T.P.S within the past few days. While none of the group's leadership were on hand to comment noted Necrotech scientist Caleb Usher did provide a few words, "Seriously, D.I.T.P.S? It should be D.I.T.P.S. instead. After all it's an acronym of Dulston Infection Treatment and Prevention Squad, so you would need that final period at the end. It only makes sense right? Hmmm? What? Ah yes, well, I suppose I should commend them on the great job they've done with hiring so many new medical staff and expanding to Blaise General Hospital. I'm certain that the Dulston Alliance appreciates their efforts, even if their name is spelled incorrectly." October 31st, 2007 - Halloween at D.I.T.P.S HQ was celebrated with Jack-o-lanterns, candies, and good-natured mocking of the local (failed) zombie group, Defective Swarm. Of course it's not all fun and games, as in the past week Deathwire has been killed twice by surprisingly concentrated efforts from local zombies. His reponse?: "Yeah, I think the Defectives are going to try and kill me again today. You kill me twice and try to attack my hospital twice? It's f**king go time! So I spray painted D.I.T.P.S Headquarters, Defective Swarm = Fail outside Anne General and then went outside to see all the dead bodies of the Defectives. What else could I say but, 'Failure is piling up around here'. Oh yeah, feel the rage from Deathwire. Taste the rage of the pacifist." And here we have a photogrpah taken by Arrowsmith, as proof of the D.I.T.P.S's participation in the Dulston Alliance Halloween Zombie Bash:  October 29th, 2007 - Civil unrest within D.I.T.P.S has settled down as the general boredom which spawned Deathwire's revolution has instead been refocused to deal with the new threat presented by Defective Swarm. Of course the D.I.T.P.S use the word "threat" figuratively. Even so, any definitive victory by Defective Swarm might set a bad precedence, like 2+2=5 or something. The very notion that they might prove successful as a zombie group defies long held beliefs and standardized logic. October 24th, 2007 - Further reports of the uprising have indicated that there has so far been absolutely no bloodshed. In truth it appears that Arrowsmith in St. Anacletus's Hospital and Deathwire in Anne General Hospital have apparently limited their war to campaign-like rethoric which has only served to confuse non-aligned survivors staying at both hospitals. In response to Arrowsmith's latest claims Deathwire is reported to have stated, "In my eternal wisdom I have placed a catapult on our roof. I'm not a doctor, but rather a physicist, so what else would you expect of me? Did I mention that I know how to make pipe bombs? In a matter of hours, Anacletus will be bombarded with hundreds of pipe bombs, which will cut power to Flyte's office... probably. Once Flyte's office is powerless, Anacletus will become undesirable." "Join Deathwire for the greater good! The coming days will be tragic and filled with blood, but I am a true leader! How many times have you people worked harder just to try and prove me wrong? How many of you have used that rage I gave you towards slaying zombies? Look at Arrowsmith! He has no ability to lead! When has Arrowsmith ever fueled a rage induced zombie slaughter or had you lot perform excellent medical service out of spite? Join Deathwire for the greater good, or I'll f**king kill you." In what has now been deemed 'pure insanity' the speeches raged onwards with Arrowsmith providing this rebuttal, "Deathwire will kill each and every one of you anyway! While I've already made my point, consider this: do you want your death slow and painful at his hands, or take a risk to destroy a monster? Do you want your children and their children to endure the tyrant you endure today? Or do we turn on him now by pushing that catapult off the roof? No more acid baths, only sandwiches and back massages from now on." "Listen to that tyrant: the 'greater good?' And who decides what that greater good is? You? If my death be for the greater good, let Dulston decide that, not one man. I preach forgiveness, and he--he only speaks of death and suffering. Deathwire's right. I'm not a leader. I'm a hero! My life will be an example for each of you... something that he will never do. Even if I'm struck down today, my memory will inspire countless other heroes after me. You will never be free of the spirit of Arrowsmith." October 23rd, 2007 - The belief that the D.I.T.P.S was governed by kind and wise leadership was forever dashed when, shortly after Flyte assigned Arrowsmith to administer over St. Anacletus's Hospital and then departed on a private mall tour, Deathwire instigated an uprising. Reports have it that he stood atop the front desk at St. Anacletus's Hospital and declared, "Flyte is gone... REVOLUTION! Marsh, join me and you will be made Head of Secret Police! Soberdoc, join me and you will be given a proper Rusty Needle mascot costume. Robicus, join me because I'm your bestest friend! I'm the Doc... you can stay on Flyte's side. Take down Arrowsmith! The crowd calls for blood! Smelt down the iron in Anacletus' hospital and use the rubble as a foundation for the statue of Deathwire! Someone start printing out posters with the phrase: Deathwire is watching, on them! REVOLUTION! My dream of taking over something using fascism and then revamping it to be socialism will finally come true damn it!" When asked to comment on this sudden turn of events Arrowsmith stated, "Ha! Bring it! I've been predicting this! He must not have noticed the new sentry guns in the lobby. And snipers on the roof! But, perhaps the best countermeasure I've prepared are the quarantine posters asking "Have you seen this man?", with Deathwire's photo on them. The poster calls for all people to stay far away from him, as he's carrying a lethal and horrible virus. Who is going to believe Deathwire, what with my reputation as a doctor?" October 18th, 2007 - In a surprising turn of events Flyte, the D.I.T.P.S Chief Medical Officer, was murdered by a member of Defective Swarm. While this is not startling in and of itself, the fact that the kill was only achieved when the group sent in a living and breathing death cultist member indicates a certain level of ineptitude in their efforts as a zombie group. To this end, it is believed that these steps were taken by them only after previous attempts to breach the hospital's defenses as zombies had failed miserably. When asked to comment, Flyte calmly stated, "Funny how Infected Swarm resorted to assassinating me and then glorified themselves for killing a group leader, when I killed 3 of them last week in their true zombie forms..." October 14th, 2007 - A zombie break-in at the Trood Building was (almost/practically) single-handedly countered by the notoriously stigmatized Arrowsmith. When asked about it he had this to say, "Good thing I checked in; I'd probably be dead if not for Soberdoc's warning. I had a few shotguns and pistols ready for just such an occasion. With a mighty shout of 'ARGH! DIE DIE DIE DIE!' and a blaze of slow-motion gun fire, the zombies all died. Well, I had help with one of them. It was glorious. You should all be jealous for not witnessing such an amazing event. I'm still shaking, it was so awesome. Trood NT is safe again. I'm going home to AGH for coffee. And donuts." For those who doubt the validity of Arrowsmith's report they are asked to instead rely on the more accurate eyewitness account that can be found here. October 7th, 2007 - Several days after the Anne General Hospital Staff and other brave survivors repelled the massive zombie horde standing outside, celebrations have finally seemed to have died down. With the Infected Swarm broadcasting on the radio lately and trying to act like they are actually worth noticing, the D.I.T.P.S are prepared to mock the Infected Swarm in their efforts to destroy our fair suburb. With D.I.T.P.S staff comments like, "The Infected Swarm have no large zombie group to support them. I doubt they'll be able to do anything noticeable..." and "Their only attack right now seems to be making threats over the radio..." it was evident there was little fear of the zombies or whatever they could throw our way. --Deathwire September 21st, 2007 - In what many D.I.T.P.S members have filed under "H" for "Hilarious", the currently understaffed Anne General Hospital has managed to hold out against a zombie mob that outnumbers them 3:1. Deathwire, who asked not to be quoted, but was anyway, had this (not) to say, "The zombies think they're all great, with their, ' look at us, we're a horde, we've killed Deathwire, and ruined his lab coat because we're bastards ', but they're nothing more than a bunch of slackers! They break in, kill a couple people and then just sit there. We took back our hospital from them in the first place because they're lazy bums! I keep telling them to get jobs, but all they do is linger around outside of buildings trying to break in. What the hell is wrong with them!?! By the way, don't quote me on this." September 19th, 2007 - Despite previous zombie attempts to seize our recently retaken headquarters, it has remained in the hands of the survivors. A particularly vicious battle went on for several hours inside the hospital earlier today. All zombie forces were repelled however leaving the majority of the survivors wounded and causing several to rout. --Deathwire September 15th, 2007 - D.I.T.P.S medical staff are reminded that they are required to work two full shifts at their assigned hospital regardless of personal or medical conditions. This policy was recently underlined in the following emergency staff conversation:
August 12th, 2007 - After a daring counterattack, Anne General Hospital has been retaken by the D.I.T.P.S. Zombie resistance was barely existent, as only one zombie managed to assault the hospital. The hour was late and the other zombies are probably still unaware of the combat situation. Whether or not the hospital will remain in our hands tomorrow is another question. --Deathwire August 10th, 2007 - Anne General, D.I.T.P.S Headquarters, has been invaded by a large horde of zombies. Anyone inside should evacuate the building and report to St. Anacletus's Hospital for medical aid. --Deathwire June 6th, 2007 - It appears that the zombie count has increased quite a bit around the area of Anne General Hospital, causing several break-ins and many survivors to be dragged on to the streets by the zombies. The D.I.T.P.S security will do all that they can to keep the casualties to a minimum and our trained doctors will try their hardest to assist the innocents despite this time of crisis. --Deathwire May 2nd, 2007 - Tough times are ahead it seems, as the Dulston Destruction Tour seems to be coming closer and closer to causing problems. So far two members of the D.I.T.P.S were unjustly murdered while on the job by a PKer, though she failed to take a third victim out when she targeted a member of the security team. It goes without saying that she was executed in self-defense. These attacks will not demoralize us and we shall continue to do our job despite assassination attempts. We shall not surrender to these terrorists and will continue supplying Dulston will it's medical needs. --Deathwire April 24th, 2007 - While danger levels rise in Dulston, the D.I.T.P.S field team is engaged in the battle for Yagoton. For the past couple weeks they have been providing medical assistance to survivors besieged in the Whatmore NT building and around Bale Mall. The mall itself has changed hands numerous times. --John Harbor April 6th, 2007 - Our ranks continue to swell as recruitment keeps going strong. The D.I.T.P.S field team has deployed to Chancelwood to assist with revive operations in the neighboring suburbs. --John Harbor March 23rd, 2007 - Things are moving quickly as D.I.T.P.S recruitment has spiked over the past week. Persistent hard work and outreach is paying off. As a result, we're happy to announce that we'll be staffing St. Anacletus's Hospital as well. The D.I.T.P.S Field Team has be assigned to assist with the expansion, but if things keep going well the Field Team will be able to move out soon. --John Harbor March 12th, 2007 - The D.I.T.P.S group page has been overhauled, which I must say blends the colours of purple and lighter purple nicely. Several new members have been brought in and business as usual continues. --Deathwire March 7th, 2007 - The D.I.T.P.S has been offered to join the Dulston Alliance and we have accepted this great honor. The D.I.T.P.S continues to grow, its members continue to gain experience, and our great deeds for the suburb of Dulston will be long remember by its people. --Flyte February 13th, 2007 - Dulston, normally being a quiet, peaceful neighborhood is now a suburb full of disaster. Zombies have plagued the northeastern corner of Dulston and many have fallen victim to their assaults. Even Treweeke Mall's entry point buildings have been overrun, bringing panic to many survivors in the greater Dulston area. The D.I.T.P.S, with what living members it has left, are working hard to hold their HQ and revive those who have fallen to the scourge. --Flyte February 5th, 2007 - A new operation to begin recruiting new and experienced survivors of all kinds has begun in the suburb Rolt Heights. Two of our dedicated and great field team have set out to find new members and help bring medical aid to Rolt Heights. --Flyte January 23rd, 2007 - The D.I.T.P.S is still continuing its operations in Pescodside and Dulston, but a couple field members have decided to move into Rolt Heights and check on the situation in that suburb. --Flyte January 12th, 2007 - After several break-ins and general havoc, Anne General Hospital has managed to regain complete control of the situation. Several set backs have hurt our Pescodside operation though, but we shall perservere. --Deathwire January 8th, 2007 - The D.I.T.P.S has been called upon by the Pescodside Defense Alliance (PDA) to assist them in reviving people and patrolling the nearby area of the Holt Building. Emergency personnel have been rallied together by Flyte in an effort to forge an alliance between the D.I.T.P.S and the PDA, but most of all to help the survivors of Malton! --Flyte January 5th, 2007 - Our group forum is now ready and open to the public. There still may be editing going on within the forums, so bear with the Moderation crew in the meantime. The link to the forums is here. All D.I.T.P.S members are asked to register so you can participate in current group discussion. When new members join the forum they will not initially have access to the D.I.T.P.S main forum until I have promoted them, so please be patient. Anyone looking to join up, please follow the recruitment policy. --Flyte January 3rd, 2007 - Hope everyone is recovering from New Years Eve and is enjoying a great new year overall. As of right now, Anne General Hospital is being maintained at VS+2 barricades, which is a great accomplishment since over-barricading is still a problem in Dulston. So all of the survivors without free running should find safety here at the hospital, so please head over there now if you are looking for somewhere to rest. Also, the D.I.T.P.S forum will be soon be operational. So stay tuned. --Flyte December 31st, 2006 - Happy New Year everyone! Keep on fighting for peace in Malton! --Flyte December 28th, 2006 - Rumors of a zombie assault on Dulston have shaken survivors resting in the Pegrum PD of late, but so far have not amounted to anymore than common feral zombies. Even so, zombies could still sweep through our streets like a fatal dark cloud, so stay alert. -- Sycerica December 26th, 2006 - Well, yesterday was Christmas and I hope everyone had a great day and got everything that they wanted! I am still hearing rumors of zombies coming to Dulston, but nothing has been confirmed yet. Our group is still looking to join the Dulston Alliance and find more members. Please apply if you are interested we would be happy to have you. :) --Flyte December 22nd, 2006 - Nott Auto Repair was broken into recently. Medical personnel, namely Flyte and Deathwire, were on-call to help the survivors inside. Deathwire healed and cured infections; while Flyte later healed the rest and barricaded the building with the little AP he had remaining. -- Flyte December 17th, 2006 - Shacknews doesn't have plans to come to Dulston, but the RRF have made a post about peaceful suburbs and one of them that they mention is Dulston. We do not know when they will be coming, but we will certainly be prepared when they do. --Flyte December 14th, 2006 - Seems that the zombies are all at Giddings Mall ransacking it now, heh. We have grown in size since our beginning and we wish to grow larger, so anyone interested please let one of us know! :) We are still holding up our hospital (although no one likes keeping it at only VS+2 barricades). --Flyte December 11th, 2006 - Our group has just registered to protect and upkeep Anne General Hospital and we have also made it our main HQ. Any medical treatment that is needed in the area can be gained here. We will keep the barricades at VS+2 so anyone can enter. --Flyte December 10th, 2006 - The raid is still just a rumor and the Dulston Alliance has advised everyone to believe what they want to, but not take everything they see posted in Treweeke Mall seriously yet. --Flyte December 9th, 2006 - We are currently preparing for a zombie raid which has been rumored with upwards of 500+ zombies. Once this raid has ended and Dulston is in the survivor control again, we will find a main HQ to reside in. --Flyte December 1st, 2006 - The Dulston Infection Treatment and Prevention Squad (D.I.T.P.S) is formed.
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