The Malton Observer/103008

Malton Observer: October 30th, 2008

The Malton Observer would like to thank its sponsors:

• The Samhain Slaughter - Someone's not killing us!

News at a Glance

Editor's Note

Beloved Gun-Toting Pastor Retires

Zombies and murderers target survivors!

Interview with Sonny (so stop asking)

Choppers is back!

Fun Corner

News at a Glance

• Happy Halloween - The one day of the year when the monsters knocking on your safehouse door might not want your brains... though they probably do want your brains.
• Father Tom retires - Thousands cry out in anguish.
• Crucifix suggestion is peer reviewed - Newspaper editor's neutrality questioned.
• Malton Observer has new editor - Few notice.
• New horde emerges - The Brainstalkers emerge and gain 37 members in less than a week.
• Sonny talks about himself - Gasp!
• Kristi of the Dead anounces good news. - Join the DEM to view that link.
• Where'd everybody go? - Several reporters go on holiday just as news starts happening in Malton.
• Big Brother is watching you - The plague spreads... again.

Note from the Editor

The Malton Observer would like to remind survivors that trick-or-treating is ill-advised in the streets of Malton.

--William Told

Farewell to Father Thompson

The Malton Observer is sad to report that the esteemed Father Thompson of MCI is retiring. In his own words:

"Well, I'd posted an announcement to the council, and to MCI- but I've gotten some PMs from people noticing the new forum color with confusion, so I thought perhaps I should give a more general announcement.

I've retired from active DEM service, and from administration of Brainstock. The decision came simply because I didn't have the time to give my group, the DEM, and the forum in general, the attention that they deserved, because of a busier personal life. I've had a blast, and will continue to have a blast more casually, with the DEM and with others, and my decision was in no way a consequence of any event in-game or on the forums- most of which have been quite fun for me (even the controversies, I rather enjoy those tbh).

See you around, then!"

Father Thompson, known as FT to those who are too lazy to spell whole names, has been in the MCDU since "Some time in '06," and he has been one of the DEM's biggest assets ever since. A member of the DEM Council and a leader of the MCDU, he has been hailed by friend and foe alike as the calm voice of reason amidst the clamor of Urban Drama. This respected diplomat was clearly one of the greatest representatives the DEM has ever had. I also heard he can shoot lightning from his eyes and once killed a bear with his bare hands.

He will not only be missed by the DEM, but by the entirety of Malton.

...but especially by the DEM.

--William Told

Attack of the Living (and) Dead

Survivors have had a tough time over the past week. The Militant Order of Barhah ravaged the South East as the Ridleybank Resistance Front marched throughout portions of central Malton, cutting a swath of extremely dangerous suburbs that went uninterrupted from the western border to the eastern. Survivors were left wondering what happened as organized strike teams methodically ruined entire suburbs and moved on. The MO pleads that mobile survivor groups provide aid to suburbs such as Pitneybank that are currently holding back the zed menace. We also advise that survivors in suburbs that have lost the TRP's necessary to survive this advance resort to River Tactics that they might help the ruined suburbs get back on their feet. This period of extreme zombie aggression follows a period of relative safety for survivors across Malton.

And the destruction was not limited to zombie incursions. A group of nefarious pagans attacked Blesley Mall in the suburb of Gulsonside of the 26^th of October in celebration of the Celtic holiday of Samhain, killing 114 survivors over the course of a few hours. Witnesses have claimed that a shady character was seen reading poetry over the radio shortly after the murders began, and what followed was a grisly sight as dozens of bodies and gallons of blood covered the floors of the mall. Revivers were unable to keep up with the queues in the cemeteries the next day as lines of 50 or more formed. Apparently, the guilty parties were sighted near the mall several days before the the night of Samhain, but the local survivor population was unable to anticipate or prevent the massacre.

In light of certain publicly released footage of the Samhain Slaughter and its aftermath, the Malton Observer has advice for the survivors of Malton:

• If you are being attacked by another survivor, leave the block you are in and heal yourself as necessary.
• Do not retaliate or engage the would-be murderer in realtime combat unless you know for certain that you will win.
• Do not attempt to reason with your attacker. Phrases such as, "do I look like a zombie," are unlikely to deter these murderers, especially if you do not use proper punctuation.

Thankfully, survivors of the massacre are already recovering and have maintained their control of the mall, displaying the indomitable spirit of the Malton survivor.

--William Told

Sonny Speaks

What can one say about Sonny Corleone? He has been playing Urban Dead since 2005 and has developed quite the impressive resume, as he will readily tell you. He's led five survivor groups (4 historical) and two zombie groups (the RRF and one historical), and he's been instrumental in the planning and execution of a dozen or more events, fighting for all sides. But most people these days know him for the only PKer group he has ever led, the infamous Democracy Of Resensitized with Interesting Sigs, which has formed a planet-worshiping coalition of the largest and best-known PKer groups in Malton. It has been said that if PKer groups were nations, DORIS would be the Freemasons- spread throughout the PKer groups of Malton and paying no heed to the boundaries between them. Members of DORIS include members of Red Rum, the Philosophe Knights, the Spartans, and many other PKer groups across our fair city; and whenever a controversial celebrity dies, these villainous Pluto-cultists come together to kill innocent survivors on Sonny's command.

So who is this man who's influenced the game so much? He's been called many things: "troll," "griefer," "homophobic," "an egocentric jerk," "soldierboy," "craven," "lulzy," "prophet of Almighty Pluto," "a black mark on [humanity's] reputation," "an uncle tom," and "Saromu." But who is he really? A member of the NROTC? A forum troll and griefer? Kind of a dick, but still pretty funny? Magically delicious? Recently, the Malton Observer's former editor sat down with Sonny and discussed his achievements, his plans for the future, and his baby- DORIS.

--William Told

MO: What inspired you to start DORIS?

Sonny: On the Rezzens forums a member named Smoked created a rather crappy sig mocking the DARIS sigs of olde. It was a green square with his name, title, and image. It then had me thinking of making better sigs. Soon everyone had my amazing sigs. That's when AnimeSucks said we should make it into a real group. So Smoked, AnimeSucks, and I are the leaders of DORIS.

MO: So what would you say is DORIS' greatest achievement?

Sonny: Wiping out several suburbs. Grigg Heights, Yagoton, Dulston, Lockettside, South Blythville, etc. Gibsonton sort of counts but that wasn't official DORIS. Santlerville too I guess. But I think being a viral group that has spread to almost every PKer group is an accomplishment. Also, getting plenty of survivors to create pker alts just to join us. I've lead the largest survivor organization, the largest zombie organization, and I feel DORIS is the biggest pker organization. I have no hate for the PKer Alliance or the Pker Hub, they are successful in their own way. But when you look at who is organizing the most PKer groups together and who is creating the most alliances? It's DORIS. Oh, and the Uprising doesn't count because they have survivor groups and fail.

MO: What sort of future plans (if any) do you have for DORIS? Would you only be able to tell me if you knew the next date a notable person would die?

Sonny: DORIS will continue to kill at random in unorganized attacks. Right now we're in Creedy because Pluto has returned and ordered us to. Also I'm starting to really work on the Pluto Press. We feel that the truth or at least something resembling it must be spread to the masses. When someone dies next that we deem important we're going to name them a Saint and kill in their honor. I don't know who though. We reviewed Bernie Mac, Isaac Hayes, and Paul Newman but felt they didn't live up to Pluto enough to deem them worthy of Sainthood. So we'll have to wait and see.

MO: So what would you say if I told you president Bush was going to die on October 15th? ^{editor's note: He didn't}

Sonny: Sorry, can I answer that question later? I'm on the phone with the Secret Service.

MO: Sure. Moving on to you as a player, what would you say is the best moment of your career?

Sonny: That's tough. You can't compare survivors, pkers, and zombies. It's like apples, oranges, and rotted bananas.

As a survivor... probably Mall Tour 2006. I lead PARA, the Stanbury Renegades, and the Council of Leaders forces there while Cowboy Up led the CDF and Swiper led the ACC. We lost but we won a award for surviving the longest that wasn't Caiger.

As a PKer...just DORIS in general. That and all the stuff we did. Invasion of Gibsonton was a favorite but not my best. It was definitely a high point for me.

As a zombie...The Big Bash. When Graull asked me to get the RRF to help I joined right in and the Bash's numbers doubled. We had almost 80% red suburbs, no Ridleybank incursions, and not a single Green suburb. We had survivors left and right asking us for amnesty and there was a point where we were going to set up Survivor Bantustans for them to live in while we controlled Malton. It was probably my happiest time in the game.

--Labine50

Notes From Darby

Welcome to the latest edition of Notes From Darby. It's been a while since there's been an update, but no worries. I'm still very much alive....or am I a zed again.....???

Not much going on at Darby lately. Our numbers are still down, but at least holding steady. Our campus has been pretty quiet, but we are now moving to a slightly different area that hopefully will have more for us to accomplish. Lately it's been feast or famine. We've either been overrun with zeds or barely have had any to speak of. Such is life in Malton, I guess.

It's Halloween time in Malton again. Are we going to have more zeds around knocking on our safehouse doors trick or treating? Will we get costumes to wear to show off to our fellow survivors? Will we get candy old, stale candy to either risk eating ourselves or throw at the zeds from our safehouse windows? Ah, the kinds of things we must do to keep our interest up in Malton.

Have a spooky Halloween.

Until next time,

--Choppers McGee

Whatever That Means!

A Q&A column with the Chardon siblings. Got a question? Drop us a line! askachardon@gmail.com

Fun Corner

-Tonyay163

Note from editor: Jayefex, creator of the Fun Corner's crossword, has been kidnapped by ninjapiratezombiemonkeyrobots and has been unable to prepare a crossword.