Malton Medical Staff/Staff Bio

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Staff Bio
Malton Medical Staff

Welcome to the Malton Medical Staff Group Pages

Staff Bio

List of Staff

UDMMS duct1.jpg

The current list of full-time, active Malton Medical Staff:

If the name you seek isn't on the list, and you have a complaint about them, they are not ours. Contact us and we'll discuss it.

  • Nate01: Has a big heart soon to be trained in the art of chainsaw surgery. Prospective but hasn't filled out his paperwork yet so not official.


There are also several people who help the Malton Medical Staff and move around with them, but have not (yet) requested to become a member of Staff:

MMS Tourniquet.jpg

Retired or Missing in Action

Friends and Allies

Members of other groups who work very closely with the Malton Medical Staff and who help us are listed below:

Undead Fans

(Update: Most of our Undead Fans have gone Missing In Action. If your group would like to be our new Undead Friends, please try and put a little humour in your snacking. Mean Zambahs need not apply!)

Believe it or not, the Malton Medical Staff have their undead fans too! Below lists the zombies and groups that have a particular affinity for us, by visiting us persistently or just being memorable in their own special way:

  • Our new (rather emo) friend, dubbed Sparklybones. A feral zombie who found himself on the wrong side of undeath and dropped in to wreak havoc. | Darkbones said "*sighs. You guys really know how to ruin a shooting spree."

Special Mentions

Malton Medical Staff really do spread the love, and we're not bothered whether it's to the dead or undead either:

A lovely drawing from Zoey Zarg of her group attacking MMS at St. Eth's. Isn't it sweet? Consider this the refrigerator, Zoey! <3

Staff Interviews

Archive I

New Interviews coming soon!


Archive I

Pyte's Prayer

I approve of this prayer. ;) ~ Morg

  • Pyte said "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray to Malton my spleen to keep, And if I die before I wake, I pray Ms. Morg will make me cake."

Battle of the Presidents

This needs fixing up. I'm too tired to do it myself.--Jallus 13:57, 22 July 2008 (BST)

I cannot believe I missed this! Thanks, Jallus. Entertainment, indeed! --Morgueasm 17:16, 24 July 2008 (BST)

  • President Obama said "Heal please? I seem to have lost my secret security deachment and was rather dead for a bit." (10 hours and 37 minutes ago)
  • President Obama said "And by lost I mean that they were devoured by a rampaging horde of re-animated neo-cons." (10 hours and 36 minutes ago)
  • Monde said "Oh, you met Jack Neon too, huh?" (10 hours and 36 minutes ago)
  • President Obama said "And if elected, I pledge to reanimate the economy that has been killed by the reckless fiscal policy of my predecessor." (10 hours and 35 minutes ago)
  • Nellie Harmon said "Welcome Senator Obama. Nothing personal but I voted for HIlary. However that will not effect our medical care here." (10 hours and 34 minutes ago)
  • President Hillary said "*Crashes through sky light and drops to the floor amidst a rain of broken glass, (Batman-style) and pulls her shadowy cloak around her. (Also Batman-style. Or mabe Dracula-style. Anyway...)" (10 hours and 32 minutes ago)
  • daemon13 said "yeah i've seen that msogynist guy pking before... if he comes back i'd be happy to help remove him :)" (10 hours and 31 minutes ago)
  • daemon13 said "lol looks like we have some vip's here... sorry gus but i voted for His noodly Appendage" (10 hours and 31 minutes ago)
  • Monde said "With a name like that I'm almost glad he's removable. Tch, edgy morons." (10 hours and 31 minutes ago)
  • President Hillary said "*Rises slowly from her crouch, bits of glass dropping from her carbon-fiber-dual-chromated-dynakic-poly-molecular-quasi-scientific body armor/cape, her eyes glowing a pale white like those of a wolf reflecting the light of a campfire.*" (10 hours and 30 minutes ago)
  • Nellie Harmon said "Mr Obama is at 53HP and needs a heal." (10 hours and 29 minutes ago)
  • President Hillary said "Extends one gauntleted finger at Barak and says in the bestest, depest, growliest, voice she can muster (like she's been yelling at Bill all night)..." (10 hours and 28 minutes ago)
  • President Hillary said "You may have won the primaries Barak, but you will not escape me this time. Here in Malton, with your security detachment making their way through the intestines of a dozen fetid digestive systems, you will feel the full fury of the Hillary Ma... Er,.." (10 hours and 25 minutes ago)
  • daemon13 said "ahahaha *claps excitedly*" (10 hours and 23 minutes ago)
  • Nellie Harmon said "Thanks for the heal whoever. D13 that guy is going to be reported to RG. THanks to whoever healed ZF. Sunday was asleep thankfully." (10 hours and 23 minutes ago)
  • President Hillary said "*Checks note cards* Hillary Man? Honestly people! It's this kind of planning that let this boob take us in the primaries. G*d damnit people! Well whatever, *tosses cards over shoulder* You're gonna die tonight Barak! *Clenches fists and strides forward*" (10 hours and 22 minutes ago)
  • President Hillary said "*Cards flutter to the floor, their somewhat carefully prepared remarks now forgotten. Hillary draws back one fist and unleashes a powerful skull crushing blow*" (10 hours and 20 minutes ago)
  • daemon13 said "so... should we intervene? or buy popcorn?" (10 hours and 20 minutes ago)
  • Nellie Harmon said "*puts on referee shirt* In this corner weighing in at 180lbs. The former first lady and Senator from NY. Ms. Hilary Clinton." (10 hours and 18 minutes ago)
  • President Obama said "*The Senator, who had been absently checking his watch and tapping his toe during Hilary's speech, now seems to vanish before her furious blow and her fist instead impacts the solid oak support beam against which he had been leaning (He's so cool).*" (10 hours and 17 minutes ago)
  • Nellie Harmon said "and in this corner weighing in at 250lbs. The nieve first term Senator from Illinois Barack Hussien Obama." (10 hours and 16 minutes ago)
  • daemon13 said "*munches popcorn* anyone else want any? *offers up*" (10 hours and 15 minutes ago)
  • Nellie Harmon said "MMS just stay out of the fight and continue conserving AP." (10 hours and 15 minutes ago)
  • President Obama said "*Splinters fly and the beam creaks and the rafters groan but ultimately hold steady* Hillary, Hillary! This conflict is over. Our quarrels are behind us. Join with me against the forces of the evil neo-cons! They are your true enemy!" (10 hours and 14 minutes ago)
  • President Hillary said "Never! *Screams a savage, incoherent roar of pure animal rage and svagely charges the junior Senator, unleashing a fusilade of blows. Fists, elbows, feet, and knees fly at their target who desperately tries to evade but is not entirely successful*" (10 hours and 10 minutes ago)
  • President Obama said "*Ducks, doges, and evades the torrent of abuse that the poweful Senator throws at him. Such is the fury of her assault that even his agility and cunning cannot save him from all of her rage and one cudgel like fist finds its mark. The senator is sent" (10 hours and 7 minutes ago)
  • President Obama said "flying across the room in that typical way that you see in the movies where the arc of the flying person is completely linear - as if their trajectory is unaffected by gravity. Anyway, he is sent flying into another beam which snaps in two.*" (10 hours and 6 minutes ago)
  • Alvy Fang said "daemon pass the popcorn please. O.O conserving AP? isnt that the antithesis of what we do :p" (10 hours and 5 minutes ago)
  • daemon13 said "hehe that's what i was thinking... *passes Alvy the popcorn*" (10 hours and 2 minutes ago)
  • President Obama said "*Wipes a thin trickle of blood from his lip and glowers from beneath his sweat-beaded brow* I beat you once at the polls, and I'll beat you again here! *Grip the 8x8 oak beam and swings at his assailant in a wide arc. Newspapers and FAKs are sent flyi*" (10 hours and 2 minutes ago)
  • President Obama said "*The Hillary Man makes no attampt to evade the heavy oaken weapon and it connects solidly with her skull, exploding in a hail of splinted wood while Hillary's gaze remains locked on her tormentor* *Barak swallows uneasily*" (exactly 10 hours ago)
  • President Hillary said "*Her eyes widen and the light that was once an erie glow intesifies to the white-hot intesity of a welding arc. The room is bathed in the seaing white light of her rage and she roars. Her voice has lost all sense of humanity as her rage takes on a demoni" (9 hours and 57 minutes ago)
  • daemon13 said "this is the best movie ever!" (9 hours and 55 minutes ago)
  • President Hillary said "Er, demonic tone. Her teeth have become thick and pointed and she seems to have grown to superhuman proportions. He cape which once flowed gracefully about the ground now hangs from her muscular shoulders like a bath towel, ending fully two feet from the" (9 hours and 55 minutes ago)
  • President Hillary said "floor. Her lower jaw juts forward and tendrils of thick saliva drool from her thick thick tounge which lolls from her mouth and slowly writhes like a slimy black eel.*" (9 hours and 52 minutes ago)
  • daemon13 said "hahaha hillary smaaaash!" (9 hours and 51 minutes ago)
  • President Hillary said "*She steps forward, and the floor of the lobby, so long ago tiled with emerald green marble, so carefully selected to create a peacefull atmosphere, but which now cracks and splinters beneath the weight of the lumbering behemoth*" (9 hours and 49 minutes ago)
  • Nellie Harmon said "Until the burb is secured save AP as much as possible in case of attack on the hospital. The last thing we need are staffers with too little AP to defend the hosptial. As long as the burb is red we need to watch our backsides more than cracking jokes." (9 hours and 45 minutes ago)
  • President Hillary said "*She roars again. Like one of those dinosaurs in Jurassic Park - or maybe the cave troll in Lord of the Rings. She sweeps aside a gaggle of horrified onlookers, many of whom stand transfxed by the piercing light of her gaze, and sends them tumpling pell-" (9 hours and 45 minutes ago)
  • President Hillary said "mell into the barricades. Hers steps thunder through the halls as she charges her slender apponent in a seemingly irresistable charge of monstreous rage and revenge. Her hands now loosely open sweeping wide arcs with her viscous black claws. Her thick," (9 hours and 41 minutes ago)
  • President Hillary said "muscular arms smashing the buildings beams before the anslaught of her assaault and all the while Barak crouches motionless, apparently defenseless against her fury*" (9 hours and 40 minutes ago)
  • President Obama said "*as the beastial form of his once esteemed opponent, now turned murderous aggressor bears down on him, Barak carefully weighs his options. In Malton where the only news outlet consistes of random 4 year old newspapers," (9 hours and 37 minutes ago)
  • President Obama said "he wouldn't be able to count on his adoring media to rescue him from this scrape; he had to use his wits. As the beast charged him, he heard Nellie's voice barking orders to her staff and as the authoritative tones of her voice echoed throughout the lobby" (9 hours and 34 minutes ago)
  • President Obama said "he quickly formulated his strategy. As Hillary went on about how scary she had become with her big muscles and scary claws, he croucehd motionless and waited." (9 hours and 33 minutes ago)
  • President Obama said "And so it was that when the monster's chsrge bore down on him he lept. With the frantic speed of a rabit evading the gnashing jaws of the wolf he lept with desperate abandon to evade the slashing claws, crushing feet, and drooly, icky tounge. (yuck)" (9 hours and 30 minutes ago)
  • President Obama said "He lept high and eyes wide, fingers fantically grasping, fingers clawing, clutching, he reached for... and caught the cold brass of the chandalier hanging overhead and swung up to safety. The Hillary Beast thundering below him realized she had missed mark" (9 hours and 27 minutes ago)
  • President Obama said "too late to stop her charge and she skidded out into the street, her claws scabling ineffectively to gain traction on the smooth floor." (9 hours and 26 minutes ago)
  • President Hillary said "As her charge ended in the streeet and she turned to begin another, she glances down to the lower right corner of her screen to see, as if for the first time, a small red 1 quietly annoucing that, much like her campaign, she had badly mismanaged her AP." (9 hours and 23 minutes ago)
  • President Hillary said "And the Hillary beast was heard to mutter to herself, in a voice thick with impotent rage, and self recrimination that even now was casting about for a scapegoat,* Sh*t." (9 hours and 21 minutes ago)
  • daemon13 said "ahahaha what a great end... torn apart by zombies... that's how all politicians should go!" (9 hours and 20 minutes ago)

Holy shit.

This describes our whole operation...

Name says it all. Seriously, I record these too much. --Jallus 01:30, 9 September 2008 (BST)

  • allenj81 said "*Pulls out Electric saw* Lets fix up those wounds, shall we, Angelic?"
  • AngelicChaos said "Waaah. Scary."
  • allenj81 said "*Grins* Don't worry, I've done this PLENTY of times. Not all successful times, mind you, but still"
  • Daren Elaine said "Holy crap, you know what, I think these wounds aren't THAT can put away the chainsaw now, I'm sure they'll get better on their own."
  • daemon13 said "bah chainsaws are for amateurs, watch this! i call it the pipe bomb method, liberally appy pipe bomb to the afflicted area. light fuse and:"
  • daemon13 said "tada! daren is back to full health. *disclaimer* d13 is not responsible for any injuries sustained through people attempting to follow his medical advice*"
  • Daren Elaine said "Careful Daemon, I may decide to apply to toolbox method, and it would be a shame if I mis-diagnosed you as injured....."
  • allenj81 said "Yeeeah... *Looks across room* Hey daemon, can you pass me my arm over agaisnt that wall? Your bomb seems to have blown it off"


Taken from the Forum..but too good not to post here. ~ Morg

  • Daren Elaine said "Come to think of it, considering that you guys invented naked twister, I'm surprised that the mere mention of the word 'modesty' here doesn't make the internet implode."

Proper Barricading Procedure

  • Alvy Fang said "Interesting, nothing outside our doors. This calls for a champagne."
  • Daren Elaine said "Or it calls for freaking out, boundless paranoia, and bludgeoning random people because we suspect the PKers are coming. Hey, speaking of which, where did my cinderblock get put?"
  • Alvy Fang said "it’s in the barricade, under the garden gnome."

Acceptable reasons for being late to the regroup point

  • StormGuru said "*Saunters down the corridor favouring one leg* Well Hello Everyone! I'm pleased to see you all again of course." (2 hours and 39 minutes ago)
  • StormGuru said "Sorry for my late arrival Morg I was conducting a pub crawl between Edgecombe and here and get sidetracked enough by a particularly good Ale" (2 hours and 38 minutes ago)
  • StormGuru said "That's when I failed to notice one of the other patrons starting to salivate at the sight of me..." (2 hours and 37 minutes ago)

First, it was, it's suspect sandwiches!

  • Darry Coldtrice said "God guys. I go to sleep for 12 hours and you guys can't keep yourselfs from foaming at the mouth and eating tainted sandwiches!" (54 minutes ago)

Saralan's Festive Cheer

  • Saralan said "*Dances around the foyer, swaying like a frond of seaweed*"
  • "*Points to the sky* *Points to the ground* *Points to the north* *Points to the east* *Points to the south* *Points to the west*"
  • "On the twelfth day of christmas, my true love gave to meeee...."
  • "12 first aid kits..."
  • "11 pistol clips..."
  • "10 newspapers..."
  • "9 DNA extractors..."
  • "8 wirecutters..."
  • "7 generators..."
  • "6 fire axes..."
  • "5 syrrr-iin-geeessss!!!"
  • "4 kitchen knives, 3 shotguns, 2 flare guns...."
  • "Aaaand then they filled Malton with zoooombiiieees!"
  • "And for my encore, the barricades are back at VSB+2! *Sweeps off her hat and bows*"
  • "Accolades, applause and admiration all welcome!"
  • daemon13 said "yaaaaaaay! *cheers for saralan*"
  • Janus Abernathy said "*puts roses at Saralan's feet*"
  • Saralan said "Thank you, thank you."

Mikhayl's Rendition of 'Jingle Bells'

  • Mikhayl Selmas said "*pulsl out his guitar and starts plaing cheerfully*"
  • "Over this craggy street..."
  • "Torn and filled with zeds...."
  • "I free run with my axe, and chop off all their heads!"
  • "apocalypse is coming soon, at least the weathers nice."
  • "Grab some msitletoe and kiss a dead head once or twice!"
  • "flamin zeds, rolling heads. Gore will fill the streets..."
  • "We're all getting eaten here like dainty salted meats!"
  • "Marching zeds, Nomming Heads, we'll all run away...."
  • "But we'll carol here in Malton on this happy holiday!"
  • "I went out for a a local bar."
  • "And then I met this man, who didn't let me get far."
  • "He asked me for soem change he said he hadn't had a bite since being dead..."
  • "So I gave him a nibble and he shot me in the head!"
  • "Stomping Zeds, Cracking heads, brains inside they taste."
  • "I hope they use some nice hsamppo so my brain will have a chance to baste!"
  • "Nearing death, losing breath, I'm about to die.....*strusm guitar in a proper latin fashion of very very fast*"
  • "If I get some mistletoe then I'll pass with a smiiiiiiile!!!!"
  • Saralan said "Woooooo! *Cheers and throws her hands in the air* Awesome, Mikhayl! *Flicks a lighter and waves it back and forth*"

At Last, Recognition!

  • Angel Wolf said "(grinning broadly) You people are nuts. Thank you for keeping this place open to tadpoles like me. One day, when I'm huge, I will find a way to pay you back. Maruruuru! God bless the MMS!"

The Correct Meat Shield Procedure

Mr Doctorz during the 'dying' stages of another St Ethelberts siege in Roftwood (11 Aug 2009)

  • "Oy! Zombies! Come and get a nibble! That's right; I dare you: Take me down if you've got what it takes! Dinner time!

*rings church bell* Ding Dong! Come and get it you slop-mouthed dullards!"

  • "Which one of you rotting corpses is man enough to take on The Doctor!? Well? Let's see if any of you have what it takes to kill a REAL survivor! OVER HERE, ZOMBIES!"



Mr Doctorz reasoning: "I'm hoping that trenchcoater-esque grammar mistakes will entice them to ignore the more wounded survivors, but most of the hospital is on the ground or in the streets."



3 minutes later in the IRC:

  • I've started getting some bites; I think the poor grammar is working.

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