Mayor of Malton/2007
- For coverage of the 2010 elections, see Mayor of Malton/2010.
The Mayor of Malton abandoned the city at the time of the apocalypse. However, with the expiration of the previous mayoral term coming up this May, the need for new elections has come about. So begins the Mayoral Race of 2007....
In an insanely close race Murbulskond edged Karloth Vois and Nixon's Head in a 92-91 vote.
- Sorry but 4 votes for Murbulskond have been made after the deadline, and 2 for Karloth, so I think Karloth Vois won, by 89 to 88 votes...
All votes must be stamped (just type --~~~~") and submitted by 11:59 PM UTC on Tuesday, April 17th. - it worked in the same way as the primaries did, so those votes are official and Murray won. Just shows how close it was, though! --Karloth Vois RR 14:48, 2 May 2007 (BST)
How It Works
GENERAL ELECTION VOTING IS NOW CLOSED
There are currently two main parties in Malton, the Zombiecratic Party which represents dedicated zombie groups and the Humanative Party which represents dedicated survivor groups. There are also smaller parties dedicated to PKer Groups and mixed survivor / zombie groups. On Tuesday, April 17th, each party will hold a Primary to determine who its nominee for Mayor will be. Then, on Tuesday May 1st, the General Election will be held to determine who is the Mayor of Malton.
How To Vote
After some deliberation, it has been determined that while a secret ballot is preferable, it would be far too easy to cheat the system with the limited time and resources at our disposal. Because of that, the voting will take place on the wiki discussion page where we can go through the histories and make sure that hijinks are limited to the rather insane campaign instead of rigging votes and whatnot. The principle we are working under is one person (in real life), one vote. You can't have multiple votes for multiple alts, even if they split their vote. If you're caught voting multiple times, all of your votes will be thrown out.
The Major Parties
The Zombiecratic Party
The Zombiecratic Primary vote tied. Tensions mount as Campaign Suskind and Campaign Bullgod meet to talk terms on a tiebraker. In order to break the tie, the two leading candidates combined into one body ala Mad Max.
Formed shortly after the zombie apocalypse began, the Zombiecratic Party is known for its rigid anti-gun and anti-drug stances. Its base is composed of a broad array of zombies from radical Barhah fundamentalists to death cultists to younglings that don't even own lurching gait. Those who wish to declare their candidacy may do so with a level 3 headline below (keep statements brief and observe a one poster per candidate limit).
- Ridleybank Resistance Front
- Feral Undead
- Minions of the Apocalypse
- Militant Order of Barhah
- Killer Zombie Tomatoes
- Lebende Tote
- Sir Fred of Eutria / LEWD Party
The candidate shuffles up to the podium, Boss Tweed -- err -- Papa Patrucio is chomping on an unlit cigar in the background. Roaring applause comes raining down from his fanatical supporters. The candidate clears his throat and begins to speak...
My name is Murray Jay Suskind, and I am seeking the Zombiecratic Party nomination for Mayor.
My fellow Maltonians, I love our fair city. It is a good place to be undead. We have a great sense of community, banding together as one to eat, sing, dance and play. It's this sense of community and fellowship that makes me call Malton my home.
However, our city is not a perfect one. There is a certain decay in Malton, and not the good kind that rots your brain. No, we have problems with three things in Malton: crime, drugs and unchecked growth.
As far as crime goes, everyone in Malton has witnessed gun violence. Some harman comes up to you hiding a shotgun under his trenchcoat, and tries to blow your head off. Studies have shown that gun violence is the number one cause of "death" amongst zombies in Malton. This is unacceptable, and when I'm Mayor, I will take guns out of the hands of harmanz and off the streets of Malton.
Gun violence is just an extension of a larger problem, though. Throughout Malton, drug abuse is rampant. Harmanz who are intolerant of zombie unlifestyles run around shooting up zombies, peddling drugs amongst our youth. In fact, a lot of harmanz in Malton engage in gun violence just to feed their all-consuming addictions. Rest assured, when I become Mayor, it will be us who do the pushing -- pushing the drug dealers outside and showing them the light of true Barhah!
Finally, rampant and unchecked barricade sprawl is damaging our sense of community in Malton and destroying the beauty of our fair city. I remember as a youngling in Ridleybank, running through the neighborhood, doors open, neighbors welcoming me with open arms, a ransacked building and plentiful brainz to eat. But Ridleybank is a sad exception to the rule. All across Malton, barricades are being erected, shutting out neighbors and friends and shutting in recluses. That is why, when I'm Mayor, we shall have an open door policy. All across Malton, we should treat each other as neighbors and freely let guests come and go as they please.
Once these, and other reforms are implemented, Malton shall be an even better place to celebrate unlife. Neighbors brought together, drugs and guns off of our streets, and plenty of brainz for all to eat.
Thank you, and may Barhah shine upon Malton.
I'm Murray Jay Suskind and I approve this message.
Hey you. Yeah You! read this!
At first I was going to write a long boring speech, full of empty promises like my opponents have, but I know that you're smart enough to know that being elected mayor wont really allow me to do anything I can't do now. I can't take guns of the streets, the humans like them and I can't force them to drop them. I can't stop the revives from happening, they like the XP it gives them and it's clear that the humans actually want to be human. And to the humans, I can't promise that the zombies will stop eating you because you know that's about as likely as you dropping all your guns and waiting for death.
No I can't make those promises, but I can make this one.
No matter what I'm never going to stop fighting, I'm going to keep busting in and breaking shit till kingdom come. If you're a zed you can follow me in, I'll give you the kill. If you're a human? Well just go ahead and fucking shoot me. I really don't mind. And hell you PKers and GKers, you know I got your backs.
So go ahead and vote for one of the other candidates if you believe their promises could possibly be legitimate, or vote for me, the guy that's not feeding you a heaping spoonful of fairy dust and leprechaun turds.
- Bullgod 21:22, 19 March 2007 (UTC)
Dutch translation made by MetalMorphed/Kage Katachi CO®
Op het begin was ik eigenlijk van plan een lange saaie speech vol met lege beloftes zoals mijn tegenstanders dat ook hebben. Maar ik weet dat jullie slim genoeg zijn om te weten dat als ik burgemeester word dat ik eigenlijk nog niets kan doen wat ik nu wel kan doen.
Ik kan geen geweren van de straat halen, de mensen vinden deze leuk en ik kan ze niet dwingen om ze neer te leggen. Ik kan de revives ook niet tegenhouden, de mensen hebben de ervaring nodig en het is duidelijk dat de mensen echt mensen “willen” zijn. Voor de mensen kan ik ook niet beloven dat zombies ophouden met het eten van mensen omdat dit net zo waarschijnlijk is als dat jullie je geweren neerleggen en op de bank met een bakkie pleur op de dood gaan wachten.
Ik kan die beloftes niet maken, maar dit zal ik jullie wel beloven:
Het maakt niet uit wat er gebeurt, ik zal nooit ophouden met vechten. Ik zal blijven inbreken in schuilplaatsen en spullen slopen tot het einde der tijden. Als je een zombie bent en je volgt me naar binnen dan zal ik je zelfs de kill geven. Als je mens bent? Ga je gang en schiet een kogel in m’n kop. Ik vind het echt niet echt. En jullie, PKers en Gkers jullie weten dat ik ook voor jullie zal zorgen.
Dus ga je gang en stem op een van de andere kandidaten als je gelooft dat hun beloftes echt zijn. Of stem voor mij: de vent die jullie geen onzin vertelt en gewoon is wie hij is.
STEM OP BULLGOD van de Feral Undead
Pensaba escribir un discurso largo y aburrido, lleno de promesas sin sentido como el de mis oponentes, pero sé que sois suficientemente listos como para saber que el que me elijan alcalde no me permitirá hacer nada que no pueda hacer ahora. No puedo desarmar a los humanos; les gustan las armas y no puedo hacer que las dejen. No puedo evitar las resurrecciones, les gusta la experiencia que les da y está claro que los humanos quieren ser humanos. Y a los supervivientes: no puedo prometer que los zombies dejarán de comerles, y saben que que eso pase es tan probable como que vosotros dejéis las armas y esperéis a morirse.
No puedo hacer esas promesas, pero puedo hacer esta.
No importa lo que pase, nunca voy a dejar de pelear, voy a seguir colándome en los edificios y rompiendo cosas hasta el fin de los días. Si eres un zombie puedes seguirme, te ayudaré. ¿Y si eres humano? Bueno, adelante, dispárame. De verdad, no me importa. Y, demonios, los PKers y los GKers saben que les guardaré la espalda.
Adelante, vota por algún otro candidato si crees que sus promesas pueden hacerse realidad, o vótame a mí, el que no te está contando cuentos de hadas.
Au début, j’allais écrire une parole longe, plein de promesses vides comme mes opposants. Mais je sais que vous êtes assez intelligent pour savoir que, si je deviens le maire, je ne pourrai pas faire des choses en plus en comparaison avec maintenant. Je ne peux pas enlever les armes de la rue. Les humains les aiment et je ne peux pas les forcer à les jeter. Je ne peux pas arrêter les réanimations, ils aiment les points (du jeu) et c’est clair que les humains veulent être des humains. Et, aux humains, je ne peux pas promettre que les zombies cesseront de vous manger car vous savez que c’est aussi probable que vous jetterez vos armes et vous attendrez la mort.
Non, je ne peux pas faire ces promesses, mais je peux promettre que, quoi qu’il arrive, je ne vais jamais cesser de me battre. Je vais me battre jusqu’à la fin du monde. Si vous êtes un zombie, vous pouvez me suivre. Je vous donnerai la mort. Si vous êtes humain ? N’hésitez pas, tirez-moi. Je ne me sens pas concerné. Et aux tueurs des joueurs, vous savez que je vous soutiens.
N’hésitez pas donc, votez pour moi ou un des autres candidats si vous croyez que leurs promesses peuvent être légitimes. Ou votez pour moi, le type qui ne vous donne pas un monceau de fariboles.
The Humanative Party
Karloth Vois is the Harmanitive Party candidate, with Richard Nixon's Head as his running mate.
Running mate Richard Nixon's Head
- Red Rum
- Burchell Arms Regulars
- Fellow Human candidate, Labine50
- Fellow candidate, Ashadoa
- Fellow candidate, Admiral Hawkins
Some members of the following have voted in support of the humanitive campaign:
Those few pitiful survivors opposing Vois/Nixon are increasingly likely to be shot.
An umbrella party that was formed when pre-existing parties consolidated after the zombie apocalypse, the Humanative Party is dedicated to the survival of human life in Malton through rigid law and order and subduing the zombie menace. Its base is composed of an even larger array of survivors including medics, Malton's scientific community, local law enforcement, trenchcoaters, consumers and the military apparatus. Those who wish to declare their candidacy may do so with a level 3 headline below (keep statements brief and observe a one poster per candidate limit).
Possibly one of the worst candidates you have seen so far approaches the podium. He pulls out his speech, which is written on the back of a menu from some Chinese food place.
It's around here that most candidates will introduce themselves, so I guess I will. Well, I'm a survivor. Not much else to say on that front...
Ok, I'll admit right now, I hope I'm not elected. I'm mostly here to serve as a placeholder until either Kristi of the Dead, Ron Burgundy, or some more competent survivors runs. If elected, I promise I will do absolutely nothing about anything, (Just like so many liberal candidates from Canada...) but in any case, it's better than a crazy guy, or a zombie that wants Dartside turned into a theme park.
So, in short, vote for me if I turn out to be the only candidate for this party, but if you vote for me over ANY other (Sane) survivor, I will hunt you down and make you eat the ballot!
NOTE - See "This is pathetic".
The Vois Campaign
I'm going to suggest that you don't vote for my opponent, Karloth Vois for one reason, and one reason only- It is Maltonian, NOT Maltonite! I looked up Maltonite in the dictionary and do you know what it said? "Maltonite - N. A crazy person that kills cute adorable kittens."* And let me ask you, Maltonians, do you want that sort of person holding a political office? I know I don't.
Vote Labine 2007!
* - May or may not have been taken from a dictionary.
This is pathetic...
I would like to announce that I will be running for real, and will actually do something other than resign if voted in, because personally, I feel like I'm the only competent survivor running. (With the possible exception of Dylan Mann, but really, who wants one of the people who wrap things in 50 kilometers of red tape in office?)
A man, clad in a white suit that shimmers in the bleak twilight of Malton, approaches the stand. He has no need for prewritten campaign speeches. Hes just that good.
ahem Ladies, Gentleman, zombies out to get me, I stand before you, a man-NO!-an Anchorman! I have been in this fair land over a year now, which to many is but a vacations stay, but in that time I have fought many battles, healed many survivors, carried the fallen back from Valhalla, and brought a great level of class to these forsaken parts. During these past few months, the undead have swept across Malton, bringing a vice like grip to our city. They have taken our malls, they have taken our hospitals, they have taken our police stations, our bars, our junkyards, our liquor stores! Will you let them take our public office!? Choose me, my fellow survivors, as your humble Mayor! I have fought along, and against, the best Malton has to throw against us. I have seen and learned much during my days as a news anchor, and a survivor. I know what it takes to tough it out in this land. Should you elect me, I will help bring back what this city needs, class, and EHB buildings. Together, we will show those Zombiecrats that their choke hold on our city will not extend to our public office. We will take back what these zombies have stolen from us-Our Pride! Oh, and our city.
Stay Classy, my fair city! Tovarisch Khrushchev 02:59, 20 March 2007 (UTC)
Regally representing Red Rum.
He turns towards the baying crowd, wearing a sharp suit, a monacle and Napoleon Bonaparte's distinctive hat. He begins with a grin:
Good Day, my fellow Maltonites.
If you could all bear in mind I know precisely where you are, this entire election will go a lot more smoothly.
I stand on but one issue- the only real issue; As some of you may be aware, Malton is overrun with zombies. They are an infestation, a stain on this fair city. Why, I was engaged in a sightseeing tour with my fellow compatriots, and not once, but twice did our shopping and Mall salutations fall short due to the undead blighters. This is not good enough! I stand the only man who rarely engages with these dull creatures- and that is the way this city should be! More than anyone else, I spend my days supporting and indulging my fellow survivors- we must all work as a team! Only then can we end these dark times.
A vote for me is a clean gunstore, clear free-running lanes and a big no to the face of zombies. Vote Pro-life; Vote Vois!
As he turns to walk away, a bloodied hand adorned with Mr. Kruschev's golden rings falls from his pocket. The grin remains.
Official Endorsements Karloth Vois has the full support of, and in turn officially endorses:
- The Ashadoa Campaign - "Such acts of magic must be applauded, I feel. You shall have the full support of the Ashadoa campaign, my good man"
- Admiral Hawkins - "I accept your endorsement and as per say I also endorse anyone who accepts the Flat Earth as the supreme truth!"
Official Opposition Karloth Vois is vehemently opposed by:
- Tovarisch Khrushchev - "I will not indulge myself in any scandals this election season."
- Labine50 - "Karloth Vois... A crazy person that kills cute adorable kittens'"
- SteelVortex2 - "Karloth Vois?! He's a baby eating maniac!"
He laments that he must issue a general kill-order on the above, for he does so love progressive discourse with the living.
A geeky looking man approaches the podium, scowls slightly at the bloodied hand still on the stage, and shuffles some papers before facing the assembled audience:
My fellow Maltonians,
It is a dark day for humanity. When our former Mayor abandoned us, he didn't just run off with all our money, half our hookers, and two-thirds of his illegitimate children. No, he took the soul of our community with him. And that, my fellow Maltonians, is what I pledge to bring back to you.
Malton can be a vibrant, thriving metropolis again, if we all unite for the common good. We must take action to keep our streets safe. To keep our power grid and phone network working. To ensure revives are available in a timely manner.
What is the central problem that keeps us from seeing this city's unlimited future? It is the Zed. The Zed, whose unclean claws strike at our children, and who feast on the body and brains of the living, to the detriment of us all. I propose we establish a "happy fun time camp" for them, in Ridleybank, and ensure that they do not leave the boundaries of that territory until they have been cleansed - indeed, until Malton itself has been cleansed of the scent of international Zedry.
Ahem. Sorry about that, apparently someone decided it'd be funny to rewrite my speech in the style of Mr. Hitler. It's amazing what chaos happens when you're out of carbon paper, and the only things left to write on are old newspapers.
Yes, I am a pencilpusher. But more than that, I am a human - at least for the moment. And I pledge to you, that I will work tirelessly for the human cause, and keep Malton safe and secure.
In conclusion, my fellow Maltonians, it is time we rise above the petty squabbles, and learn to help one another achieve success, so that, God willing, we might see a brighter tomorrow.
What appears to be the head of Richard Nixon preserved in a jar on a robot body approaches the podium and drops down a campaign banner that reads "Who's got what it takes to party with Nixon?"
Good Evening Ignorant Pigs,
Put down your beer bongs and crack pipes and pay attention. The time has come to elect a Mayor who has rid himself of a good Republican body riddled with phlebitis in favor of the strength only a head in a jar and a robot body can bring. Take a look at my shiny new body.
Malton has been overrun by zeds and if you elect me we can all go Cambodian on their a$ses. Fighting the zombie menace and raising a new generation of Maltonians to populate this great city is my mission. Nixon is pro-war and pro-family. We are now in a position to destroy all zombies and rid Malton of this disease. A great battle is coming and this is the moment we have been training for all yesterday afternoon.
Citizens of Malton elect Richard Nixon as your supreme leader to rule with an iron fist. No one will fix this election like Kennedy fixed the 1960 election. Malton may be infected but we must still be free and fair in our elections. My fellow Maltonians we enjoy so many freedoms it is almost sickening. You can choice to kill zombies or kill fellow humans. You can laze around all day or help fight. This is what makes our city great.
ELECT NIXON! I am not a crooks head!
A young man with a flak jacket on walks up to the podium.
Hello. My name is SteelVortex2. I never forgave Mom for that. Anyway, the time has come to elect a new mayor. A mayor who will improve life for all humans in Malton. I stand for peace and order in Malton. I will end all of these constant wars, and execute all of the psychopaths inhabiting Malton. I will commission a new nuclear power plant, to get rid of the need to constantly find new generators and fuel. All shops will be repaired and organized, to make it easy to find suppies. We will prosecute the creators of this zombie virus to the full extent of the law. We will release our new warbots into the streets to destroy these zeds once and for all! I will commission new beer, wine, and vodka factories so our kegs never run dry! Life will be improved for all inhabitants, as long as they want it. Zombies who cease all hostile actions against humans will be allowed to exist, but if they harm even one human, they will be destroyed. Vote for me, and a new age of peace and happiness will emerge in Malton!
Elect Me! Do it and Malton will have a new golden age.
Official Detractors: "I don't see how this nuclear reactor is going to function. I don't like the sound of this "execute psychopaths. Are you some kind of baby killing freak?" Legitimate
None of the Above
The official candidate of the Malton Anarchist Federation is none other than (ladies and gentlemen stand, start the drumroll)... None of the Above! There is one major benefit to the apocalypse that has befallen us, and that is the destruction of the old society and the possibility to create a new one. Every individual deserves liberty and equity, and every community or formation deserves autonomy. We can return to the violence and exploitation of the state, of capitalism, or systems past. We must take this opportunity to ensure than no Maltonian will have power over any other, and that we can create an experiment akin to the CNT, Paris Commune, Makhnovtchina, and the 2001 insurrection where the people of Argentina chanted "Everybody Out" (as in, everyone out of the government).
This candidate is not a hostile offering toward our fellow survivors, and we hope it will inspire no ill will. Honestly, though, we think it may grow to become the most popular for survivors and our avowed enemy the zombies alike, as so many of us all wish never to see again the corruption of politics or violence of government.
The Minor Parties
Democrats and Republicans for a Pimp Hat Initiated Legislature
While several of our key platforms were adopted early by Zombiecratic candidate Murray Jay Suskind, the proud members of DR PHIL still feel we cannot in good conscience support a candidate who proposes the annihilation and subjugation of our species.
So without further ado, we present our esteemed founder:
(Dungeon Mistress of The Randoms, Scourge of Carpathia, Harvester of Facial Metals, and Pimp Hat Maven Par Excellence)
"I am here to represent DR PHIL, Democrats and Republicans for a Pimp Hat Initiated Legislature. Definitely not affiliated with the actual Dr. Phil; not while he has a mustache like that anyway.
"The more observant among you may have noticed the rapid spread of pimp hats around Malton - perhaps a zombie breaking into your safehouse and painstakingly rattling 'B!mb hazz! Marh b!mb hazz! Zambahz rahrh b!mb hazz!', survivors with amazing pimp hats spreading the hoe-slappin' love, zombies at revive points sporting jaunty pimp hats to show their fantastic taste in accessories to the medics.
"After all, who could be a bad revive choice with a hat like that? Oh, maybe Goolina...and all her friends. OK nevermind...just think how swank we'll all look!
"Thus, we bring before you a new, revolutionary policy - Pimp Hat Or No Revive!
"There's nothing like the feeling you get hunting and killing your very first pimp hat *wipes tear from eye*.
"So join the ranks of The Randoms, the RRF and other DR PHIL-minded groups in donning a pimp hat in your profile and spreading a little bit of class in a world gone crass.
"B!mb hazz! Mahr b!mb hazz!"
The Koalition for Insidious Life Loss.
Standing for election on behalf of K.I.L.L. The Koalition for Insidious Life Loss. (Yes we are aware that it isn't spelt correctly... we don't want to tell them that though. They've got a lot of guns after all.)
A hush falls across the waiting crowds as Killy approaches the podium, bloodstained and carrying his eponymous weapon across his chest with a slightly bedraggled stuffed seal toy perched on his shoulder. Noone else is with him... mainly since people who are with him tend to end up, well... dead.
"Hello there. I am... who am I?" It's at this point that Mr. Mcboomstick cocks his head towards the seal on his shoulder "Yes Mr. Seal that's right how clever of you! As my wonderful friend Mr. Seal here tells me I am Killy Mcboomstick. I've come here today to... why am I here again?" once again he seems to cock an ear to the seal... "to run for Mayor of Malton! Really? Is that what I'm doing? I don't think that's such a good idea. You think it's a good idea Mr. Seal? You've never led me astray so far... Well anyway it seems that I have some things written here to say, apparently they're the policies upon whose sheer genius I am sure to be elected... that's what it says here anyway. Did I write this? I did? You helped me with the spellings Mr. Seal? Oh... well that's simply marvellous then!
1) If you see a stranger, kill them, it makes life far more interesting.
2) If you see a friend then you obviously haven't been following the first policy. Bad person BAD!
3) There should be more things that go BANG! Just like my Boomstick here. Things that go BANG! are an endangered species in Malton. For too long have we sat idly by and not rushed to their defence. It is time for this inaction to end!
4) There should be more things that are red. Buildings, walls, floors, people even the very streets themselves. Everything should be red. Such a sweet colour... and so tasty... I like it when the red water flows... make it flow denizens of Malton!
5) Everyone should show their affection for one another to make the world a happier place. The accepted method of doing so is to take you Boomstick firmly in your hand, and then shoot the nearest person with it.
6) Truly the meek shall be shot and killed as many times as possible.
7) Seal hunting shall be strictly prohibted and clubs of all forms (the hitting kind, not the dancing kind) shall be banned forthwith. I don't remember putting that one in there...
8) My birthday shall become a national holiday, the national costume for said holiday shall be red and only red. If you are having trouble locating such things as red clothing look no further than he or she who shares your safe house. They do tend to have a lot of red dye inside them...
9) There shall be a new institution made up from the surviving members of Necrotech. Their one and only job shall be to breed me a species of flying monkey, so that I may better enforce my policies upon the denizens of this place. Fly my pretties fly!
10) DEATH TO ALL THOSE WHO OPPOSE ME!
The meeting came to an abrubt end as Mr. McBoomstick, acting on the advice of his offical Campaign Advisor Mr. Seal, opened fire erractically into the crowd after his final policy announcement. He seemed to be laughing and raving about 'the pretty red water.' Mr. Seal was unavailable for comments afterwards. If you see Mr. McBoomstick please do not approach him. He is considered armed and extremely dangerous. Instead place a call to your local Marshall immediately. Then hide somewhere.
This just in. We have managed to get hold of Mr. Mcboomstick's official spokesperson,Carrie Cutter She appears to be a 14 year old girl and like all members of K.I.L.L. is heavily armed. There are some rather recent looking bloodstains but we won't comment on them... she might shoot us.
Interviewer: "So Miss Cutter do you have any comment on the events at today's meeting?"
Miss Cutter: *Lowers shades* "Sir if you kill all the people now there won't be any left to vote."
Interviewer: "So you're strategy is for Mr. Mcboomstick to win by default, since there won't be any voters?"
Miss Cutter: "That's correct."
Interviewer: "I see... is there anything else you'd like to say?"
Miss Cutter: "Yes, I'd like to remind everyone that a vote for Mr. Mcboomstick is a vote for insanity"
Interviewer: "Oh... well if you'll excuse me Miss Cutter I'll just run screaming for my life now, thank you."
That concluded our interview with the delightful Miss Cutter. Please God don't force us to interview any members of K.I.L.L. again. Please?
A Message From Killy Mcboomstick
Killy Mcboomstick would like to point out that he has no endorsements from other candidates. He needs none as he has the full support of Mr. Seal and his behind the scenes team.
Mr. Seal would also like to say that he has been hearing many groans of protest from the supporters of the Susikind campaign as to rumours that he and a certain intern at campaign headquarters may have made inappropriate use of a water cooler.
That is all.
The Raving Loonies of Malton Party
The candidate skips up to the podium, blows a whistle and begins to remove his clothing. Once naked, a party member hands him the front end of a pantomime horse costume which he subsequently puts on.
Neigh. Whinny. Heh... This is fun.
Hello my pretties, I am Ashadoa, but you can call me Shad. I put it to you that there aren't enough bottles of beer on the wall.
On the subject of beer, there aren't enough drunks on the wall either. We should be drinking! Heavily! And drawing moustaches on one another when we pass out! In permanent marker!
There should be more livestock roaming the streets, dontcha think? If you were merrily running from a hoarde of the shambling dead and you happened across a cow, would you not stop and think "I am a watermelon and I would like a mango smoothie"? No? Just me then. But it would give pause for thought, I am sure. A little diversion from the tedium of your lives here in Malton. Not that my life is one of tedium, of course! Nor are those of my party members!
We have the solution to this plague of boredom. It is a simple combination of the consumption of copious amounts of alcohol, non-sensical rantings on the subject of everything from the price of a barrel of turpentine to 'why can't possums fly?' and finally, random acts of violence.
Yes, there are three easy steps to enriching your life. First down a barrel of ethanol then proclaim the mating habits of salmon to be truly absurd, before stabbing whoever is nearest in the eye.
And then there shall be fun.
So, my little friendlings - vote for my party! After we come to power in Malton I promise that every home will have a year's supply of alcoholic beverages, that we shall start a new program encouraging citizens to hone their rantings skills and finally... We will stab a lot of people in the eye.
Remember, a vote for Ashadoa is a vote for FUN. You want to have fun now, don't you?
Incidentally, every vote for me is a vote for supercoolness and all my voters will recieve 5000 cool points as a spiritual reward.
Now, does anyone have some hay? The equine in me has a mighty hunger brewing.
He removes his costume and skips away
The Flat Earth Party
The candidate heads toward the podium, decides against standing on it due to his beliefs. Rather he stands atop a soap box.
Citizens of Malton! Do not fear, for I am the Mayor of Malton already as well the true leader of the Flat Earth Society! A vote for me is to keep me in office, what better to have a mayor that has Naval experience which can surely be applied to the law of the land? As leader I have already solved the scurvy outbreak before it ever even happened!
Already the restriction of leaving Malton have been put in full effect until all the Round Earthers have been cast out or have been converted to the true ways of a Flat Earth
As mayor I continue to bring you the following!
- Ensuring that Survivors as well as zombies alike are fully aware of the federal governments conspiracy of a Round Earth.
- Persecution of those who believe in a Round Earth.
- Destruction of Barcode technology.
- Ensuring that Taswell Towers and Reason Towers in Vinetown are used as city wide offices for Malton.
- Due to the summer quickly approaching all Survivors and Zombies alike are encouraged to celebrate Nekkid Day to help keep the ozone levels at a moderate level.
Our Party Promises
- To continue squandering Maltons treasury on museums dedicated to the flat earth
- To renew the Technology Ordinance to outlaw the magical talking devil box of the Round Earthers
Remember a vote for me is a vote for reason! Already the Admiral shows his true leadership skills with a bullet point demonstration.
The Living Exist With the Dead Party
The speaker addresses the audience from a podium freshly rescued from nearby barricades. You can here mumbled comments like 'my word' and 'have you ever' as he attempts to quickly dust the podium off.
My neighbors behind the barricades and my friends sleeping under the stars, this city has been torn apart by horrid segregation. There are some citizens who enforce, often violently so, separation of friends and lovers because of a temporary difference in respiration. I've met these brave souls. More oft than not they'd introduce themselves by murdering an invited guest in my home. There are others who would drag my agoraphobic friends into the street, making them sleep beneath the stars. They don't realize that this glorious city isn't defined by one segment of the population. This amazing metropolis is demonstrated best by the constant flux from living to dead. The ebb and flow of the tide of vivification, the elegant glory of ankle-grab, these describe Malton for me. More than any group, or suburb, or alliance, it is the delicate dance from death to life that makes Malton so vivid. That is why you should, nay... must, that's it. You must support a candidate from the LEWD party. Only a mayor who accepts the gifts of the vivified and devivified can lead this city into a brave new world.
Is the LEWD party right for you ?
- Never take arms against a friend, just prepare a syringe.
- Don't kill a combat revived squad-mate, practiced death-rattle instead.
- If the city were only human, I'd leave... would you stay if it were only zombies ?
- Only fear of death gives the player-killer any powers.
- Only fear of life gives the combat-reviver any powers.
- People of Malton, both the living and dead keep it classy.
The Nonconformalationalistic Party
As a crowd gathers around a man at a podium that looks at least sane, another person runs behind him, nude and on fire.
Please excuse my adviser. He was feeling sane this morning and found a gas station. This party is not going to actually do anything, but the sanity must stop. If the world is sane, then world must be flat and round plus blood in the river. If a carrot had a brain, then the pants must burn. I sincerely have a gun in mouth of donkey goose. In the party time!! No think forgot nothing on desk. I have the part no time of space. ADAM WEST! Dying of the new ted of zombie. I know zombie! There is no PK in fire of MALTON!
With that, he takes out a fire hose and turns it on, dousing the crowd with gasoline. He turns the hose on himself and ignites himself, with the crowd only now noticing that he is also nude. He jumps into the crowd while screaming BARHAH!
The New Deal Expeditionary Force
- The Speaker arrives, walking solemnly to the podium. He wears an expressionless white mask upon his face and holds a book of Existential Philosophy in his hand. He speaks in an even, measured tone*
Zeds, Harmans, Maltonians! Lend me your ears(not literally, ma'am, though I thank you for your generosity), I come to offer a New Deal For Malton, not to act like a Ignorant buffoon! The evil that men do lives after them - especially if they rise as the dead, the good is oft buried with their bones - and stays with those bones when they rise as zombies. So let it be with Malton.
The noble Huey Long hath said that Malton is low on brains, and if it is so, it is a grievous fault, and grievously must Malton answer for it. Here, under leave of the other candidates(for they are honorable candidates, all, honorable zombies and honorable men), come I to speak for Malton's people. They are my brethren, faithful and just to me. Yet Huey says they hoard brains, and Huey is an honorable man...
The Mall Tour has reaped many brains from the malls, and feast on those brains the tour does still: did this in Malton's people seem brain-less? When that the ferals have moaned in hunger, Malton's people have wept. Brain-Hoarding should be made of sterner stuff. Yet Murray and Long say that Malton is hoarding its brains, and they are honorable undead.
You all did see at Bale, that the Cherubs descended and offered to the zombies hordes mountains of Heart-Shaped brains of the mall-rats, and long did they feast, yet they could not finish it all. Did this, in Malton's people, seem Brain-less? But the Zombiecratic Party says that Malton is low on Brains, and sure, they are honorable Zeds. I speak not to disprove the Zombiecratic party, but here I am to speak what I do know.
I see ferals, sickened with hunger, scratching away at barricades, lonesome, headshot, hopeless. I see harmans, struggling to find shelter in an over-caded suburb, infected, low on AP, hopeless. I see PKers, searching for victims, roaming the night like starving wolves, friendless, hunted, hopeless. I see the people of Malton, alive and dead, fearful, searching for that which they cannot find. I see hundreds of Ignorant survivors huddled within their buildings, oblivious to the anguish of those without. I see magnificent Mall Tours ravaging the malls, leaving no brains for the ferals. I see a city which needs change! A city which needs a bold, New Deal! This city needs a New Deal to provide each person with that which they need. There are survivors out there who sit behind their barricades and gain no new Experience, because nobody is willing to share it. There are Rotters out there who are forced to ambush revivers at Revive points because their families are starving due to others’ greed for brains.
We must work for our barricades, work for our brains, and work till the inflation of the brainonomy is decreased. This New Deal offers new programs! Survivors may join the ZBF - the Zombie Brain Fund, dedicated to storing a surplus of brains, in case of brain shortage, in exchange for ensured safety. Well rounded Zeds can work off that fat on their chins by joining the SEF - the Survivor Experience Farm, dedicated to allowing up-and-coming survivors with experience, in exchange for a bite to eat from each farmer. In order to get that healthy flow of survivor brains out of the Mall, PKers can join the DPC - the DePopulation Corps, ensuring that survivors will not pack together inside those malls, those forts, and other overpopulated places.
This New Deal will release the people of Malton, and give them freedom from want, freedom from fear. It is my strong conviction that the Only thing we need to fear is Fear itself!
A Vote for the New Deal is a Vote for Malton!
The Kool Party
Hello Everybody. I'm Captain Fireman22 of the M.S.L.F and I represent the Kool party. The reason I want to be Mayor is to help people and to wear the Shiny Tophats that all the cool Mayors wear. I know I'm probably not going to win but if I somehow win I'll protect anyone that is being chased by zombies, PKers, or rabid dogs. I'll heal the unhealed and barricade buildings while drinking beer. I'll try to be kind to citizens but if you touch my tophat, It's on!! If I win my first task of being Mayor is giving everyone except Pkers that try to kill me or zombies candy!! Also I'll enforce suggestions that keep balance between zombies and humans such as P-90s and other things. Then I'll do some stuff to help people unless they don't want to be helped and if they don't I'll just sit around and wait for someone who needs help to help. I'll also make certain places beside Hospitals a place where people can come for heals. Well, That's about it.
So remember to vote Fireman22 for Mayor in 2007 or no candy for you. Yay!!
Lord Crabapple: A vote against all this rationalist nonsense
All praise his name
Yes, the infamous ex-Tory MP for Malton, debauchee, pro-meat eating, pro-foxhunting (or as it has been replaced with these days, zombie hunting), traditionalist royalist, and all round staunch supporter of tradition and ancient rights, and only those so-called innovations found to be of value (e.g. an improvement in the brewing process), has deigned, yes, for your benefit, to stand for mayor. Despite being plagued by an unfortunate and extreme case of gout, brought on perhaps by too much venison, fine beer and the everyday stresses of being of a divine being incarnate in mortal form in Malton, Lord Crabapple is available to be voted for, worshipped and adored by all!
Lord Crabapple has never been a big fan of policies, ideologies, or other aspects of government involvement in displacing the rights of the individual to do as they seem fit. Tired of brainwashed slaves to some or other totalitarian extremism trying to control all that you do? A vote for Crabapple is a vote against ideology, although, given the holy nature of the good Lord, a firm affirmation of the divine right of Kings and gentry, as of course is only good and right. And perhaps an improvement in services for those unfortunate victims of that most awful of afflictions, brain gout.
Lord Crabapple does not want to micromanage every aspect of your lives, like so many of these other candidates do! Laissez faire is the only way to operate, and this is the policy Lord Crabapple will follow, and urge others to follow.”Get organized? Pah! Have another drink! And get me one while you are there, peasant!” Is as close to an order you are likely to get from the good Lord.
Vote today* (obviously, it is unusual for such a glorious being as Lord Crabapple to have to be voted in, but with such namby pamby ideas as democracy gaining popularity over the last few centuries, whereby even women get to vote, what is to be done? ALL PRAISE HIM!)
(note, I am the only offical candidate of viva la revolution, and the revolutionaries have agreed to make me there candidate)
It is time for change reads across a gaint TV screen behind a podium as a black dressed man walks out.
- "It is time we bring malton to unity, to glory, to the living, forget the old way of small unions of groups, of warring and of pkers threatning us at every turn, and of the zombie threat!"
Other candidates use offical ways to join, well, i am not part of any party but the revolution and the revolutionaries, lead by the first revolutionary. other candidates try to bait us with pretty pictures ans flashy gimics, well, forget that, it time we we go to the point, the future of the living!
The point is, voting for me will bring about a new period for malton, a new period of glory and unity, of safety and goverment protection...
- Behind me, 3 flags appeare inside the Tv screen, one of the zombie's, one of the pkers and one of the old malton goverment, all 3 burst into flame and a new flag shows up, one with the old goverments style, but spikes and the necrotech symbol on it
This is the future, a unity of all of the sane malton, forget zombies, forget pkers! these threats need not exist!
- 1) defeat all pkers
- 2) unify the groups of malton
- 3) Define the undefined terms such as revive and pker
- 4: bring unity to the non groups
Vote for me, vote for unity, vote for safety!!!
the words Vote for somebody else pop up on the screen, with a map of malton all red or orange, and then the words vote for Revolution show up, and it turns all green with the infinity symbol on it*