Dulston Infection Treatment and Prevention Squad/News
All news posters are reminded to place the most current news items at the top so that older news items are moved downwards. Important news items require the poster to sign them in order to add validity to the claim. Unsigned urgent news posts by unknown users will be ignored and/or deleted at our discretion.
Please note that news entries are not always kept up-to-date, so inactivity here does not signify the demise of our group. Readers are instead directed to check the official DITPS forum or the member group forum section as provided within the Dulston Alliance's main forum.
Above all else, keep the news informative and interesting. Or funny. Or all of the above.
January 10th, 2014 - If you're reading this and wondering what happened to the D.I.T.P.S between August to December 2013... so are we... But seriously, the news isn't updated as often as it used to be and the news backlog is a frightening sight. This is just to let you guys know we're still here and active.
January 1st, 2014 - Happy New Year! We're as surprised as everyone else that we're still around. But then again, where else would we be...? You can't take the "Dulston" from the D.I.T.P.S.
August 16th, 2013 - Xethon has hinted that he may too, one day, leave Malton behind. Can it be true? What will the rest of the D.I.T.P.S do on December 1st when Xethon's Birthday rolls around? It will be a sad day indeed if this turns out to be true.
August 10th, 2013 - To our enemies, good luck tryinf to find or kill Deathwire. He's finally escaped Malton. Suckers.
August 9th, 2013 - Apparently if you just ask random members of the D.I.T.P.S for news updates you get responses like this one from Jackspear9, "I'm just as clueless as you. Last I checked Dulston was in ruins, now it's perfectly safe. Weird."
That's why our new motto is: "What just happened?". Be sure to say is slowly... for effect.
August 7th, 2013 - Rotten Ray logged a formal protest, "I read in Anne General Hospital somebody spraypainted 'DITPS HQ - jackspear drank all the booze - KOS! onto a wall. No beer means no somethin'-or-other and then no murderers around cause they are somehow connected to all of the booze we used to have, and now don't have, thanks to Jackspear9. I cannot function under a sobriety regime! I demand an inquiry, then a summary court martial and a flogging! Not necessarily in that order."
Jackspear9: "So did the Antagonizing Vagrants get bored of hanging around Dulston all the time? And whatever happened to BCH again? I can't be bothered to go back and read it up, so I require a summary. Preferably from Deathwire, death's ire."
Deathwire: "Simple. We outlived them."
July 21st, 2013 - Jackspear9 was caught rambling, "I remember a time of prosperity where we always had at least 13 African sculptures lightening the wards and creepily standing watch in dark hallways where, I swear, they moved, but that's another story...". Healer computer2slow, on the other hand, blamed the statues as being cursed and attracting zombies to our fair hospitals. We may never know the truth because Deathwire just keeps adding them back whenever they're destroyed.
July 4th, 2013 - Jackspear9, like a bad penny (only good), turned up again at Anne General Hospital to offer his support of the D.I.T.P.S cause. We appreciate it... if only he stuck around longer. He was however kind enough to report on the 8 zombies standing outside of the Trood Building.
June 16th, 2013 - Healer computer2slow and intcheck02 worked together to recapture St. Barbara's Church and restore its barricades. Yet another small haven for survivors in the suburb provided by the D.I.T.P.S.
May 25th, 2013 - Healer computer2slow reported that our old 'frenemies' (friendly enemies) the Big Coffin Hunters have re-appeared, but are now calling themselves "The Brethren". While we agree the acronym of their former group name did allow for many humorous in-jokes that's still no excuse to abandon it. We here at the D.I.T.P.S demand both continuity and commitment from the people to hate us.
May 18th, 2013 - Xethon and intcheck02 compare notes and ponder the strange zombie behavior that has the zombies attacking D.I.T.P.S hospitals at night, but rather than occupying them, the zombies would leave them abandoned for easy recapture. Odd. We have a hunch, but no solid facts.
May 15th, 2013 - Caleb Usher celebrated his birthday. While he was no longer in Malton he still wanted everyone to know how happy he was not being there. Malton is a terrible, terrible place. :)
May 10th, 2013 - Xethon rolled up his sleeves and pitched in to help restore order to Dulston by repairing and re-barricading Anne General Hospital and Clewett Alley PD, along with every building between them.
May 8th, 2013 - With COBRA members murdering members of the D.I.T.P.S we have instigated a "revenge kill" policy. So basically if a COBRA member kills one of our staff we retaliate against that one COBRA agent. Kill him/her/it. Then leave it alone until they kill again. And so on. That way it gives us more time for medical work since we're not bounty hunters after all.
May 3rd, 2013 - Rotten Ray had this to report, "As an aside, that NWO group is schizo - one member shoots me dead; I kill him in revenge with another NWO member in the same room. That NWO member heals me as the zombies are chomping. Do not use their tag affiliation as a basis for shooting them, as multiple NWO factions are in Dulston presently."
April 19th, 2013 - Ryan Marsh reports getting devoured by zombies, but hey, at least he's active again.
April 10th, 2013 - Ryan Marsh popped in to check on everyone. When he inquired as to which members of the D.I.T.P.S were still active in Malton he received the following response from Deathwire, "Why, everyone of course! Nobody ever left! The gang's all here. What's that? Hahaha, that's a good one Robicus! I know you guys would never leave me alone... in this mental hospital... surrounded every night by cold stone sculptures and horrible zombies. In the dark. Alone. Forever."
Oh Deathwire! You kidder you!
March 20th, 2013 - Deathwire announced the following, "Our ruse of going inactive and dissolving every other DA group seems to have worked. I didn't see a single zombie anywhere. Our master plan, to present the facade of abandoning the suburb, has worked. It's kind of boring now, though. I know, lugging statues around all day and every day is rewarding work, but I can't help but feel like there's little to do in the area now. Unless this is all just a ruse by the zombies to make them think our ruse worked. Devious. Everyone, keep not doing anything!"
March 18th, 2013 - Apparently there's a new survivor group in Dulston right now that seems to be recruiting and gathering in St. Anacletus's Hospital called the NWO. Rotten Ray was kind enough to provide the following transcript of an (edited) conversation with the NWO rep:
HappyImpendingDOOM: "Alright well, my group is going to be running in and out of this building and I'll be checking up on the barricades occasionally. How active has D.I.T.P.S been lately anyway?"
Rotten Ray: "A small core group is active daily - the rest are a bunch of lazy bastards a la M*A*S*H - which to be fair is what we were going for. We are probably one of the only remaining groups of the once VERY active Dulston Alliance..."
HappyImpendingDOOM: "I noticed Dulston Alliance died, sorry about that. Well, if you guys ever have a fall through or get sick of nothing happening NWO has its doors open."
Rotten Ray: "From your wiki I noticed that you also have PKer and zombie divisions - could you elaborate on how that is supposed to work in a pro-survivor context, which is how your recruitment messages (at least what I've heard around here) are being presented? I'm all for more survivor groups sprouting up - however I don't want to be lunch for your pet zombies nor target practice for your psychopaths..."
HappyImpendingDOOM: "PKers are tolerated to an extent. We also accept Bounty Hunters. But, it's a collaboration group. If PKers wish to join, We'll have someone leading that division in a different suburb or request they don't PK in the suburb we're currently occupying."
Rotten Ray: "Good to know. Good luck trying to manage THAT collection of players. I'm pretty sure that you'll have some challenges with the more pure-goal groups coming at you for something your other arms did. Should be interesting to watch..."
HappyImpendingDOOM: "All in good fun. I figure a different type of group will bring something interesting to the game. In the end, it's up to every individual in the group to decide which way we're going to sway. I'm not worried about pure-goal groups because I don't think they'll need to worry about us until we actually have a force to be reckoned with and when that day comes, it should be fun."
February 8th, 2013 - Rotten Ray performs a head count to determine exactly who among the listed members of the D.I.T.P.S are still active. The list includes: Captan Price, Deathwire, Healer computer2slow, intcheck02, Orophin Minyatur, Xethon, and of course the man himself, Rotten Ray. Caleb Usher isn't listed because first off I never enlisted with the D.I.T.P.S (before my time) and second I escaped Malton ages ago... except for writing up D.I.T.P.S news posts.
Deathwire: "I mailed everyone their pink slips last Christmas. Most of them got the hint, but some people keep coming into work as if nothing happened."
Captan Price: "I must have mistaken it when I cashed my pay check. Wait. Did I just say pay check? When did I ever get one of those?"
Deathwire: "I know, what a blunder. I don't pay you people. The D.I.T.P.S is a volunteer organization. You get paid in good will, college credits, valuable job experience, or whatever. It's all equally worthless."
Rotten Ray: "People! People! To the matter at hand: there were 3 zeds in AGH until one of them ran into my bullets. There are still two loitering inside with the doors wide open. We need a cleanup crew, stat!"
Captan Price: "So anyway, college credit isn't too bad. I could get a degree in zombiology. Does this group even have courses for zombiology?"
January 30th, 2013 - Rotten Ray had this to report, "MY BEST DAY EVER!!! Killed 4 zeds in Treweeke in less than 50AP! A personal @#$@!! record for me. Of course they were all weak and knocked about from previous hunter's gunplay, but I have NEVER had such a great day! Plus I repaired the SE corner. Gotta start thinking about that retirement plan. Always leave on a high note! I'm getting too old for this shit... Now there's only 1 zed left in the SW corner, if anyone wants to shoot him a bit and close the breach..."
January 27th, 2013 - Captan Price (that's not a typo) strolled in from out of nowhere smoking a cigar after being gone for like, forever, and asked, "So what did I miss?". Is this really news? Maybe not, but it's a slow news day.
January 22nd, 2013 - Our own intcheck02 finally tracks down the infamous murderer skittle with a gun at Oake Walk PD and brings him to justice. Apparently they had been killing each other over the past few weeks, but just to be clear the Skittles started it. So delicious... taste that rainbow! (We here at the D.I.T.P.S do not endorse cannabalism).
January 1st, 2013 - Happy New Year! Of course the past week had been marred by murders and vandalism (oh, we see you The Good Man, breaking our stuff!), so survivors were hardly showing the spirit of the season if you ask me...
December 25th, 2012 - Merry Christmas from everyone here at the D.I.T.P.S! Christmas was easy this year on account there weren't that many staff members to buy presents for.
December 21st, 2012 - The mystery around SHIN0BI thickened, like a meaty stew, when Deathwire reported, "SHIN0BI says he wants to help get the suburb back on its feet, so don't shoot him. If you see him kill any of us, though, report it here."
December 17th, 2012 - Deathwire was awoken from his winter hibernation by none other than long-time D.I.T.P.S-killer SHIN0BI, only things didn't turn out as expected as he reported, "After two days of being idle he didn't shoot me, but rather commented on the wartorn nature of the suburb. How am I supposed to hibernate through the holiday season with people prodding me with newspapers?"
December 5th, 2012 - Deathwire reported there are zombies all over the place. They're in ruined buildings, which is a damn strange turn of events, and outside Anne General Hospital. Although their numbers are scattered into smaller groups around the area Deathwire setup the Much Arms so the zombies will hopefully take that as bait and buy the D.I.T.P.S a little bit of time (we reported this bit of news long after it became irrelevant solely for the purpose of using it to mock zombies).
December 4th, 2012 - So intcheck02 cleared Anne General Hospital out of its remaining zombies and re-barricaded it. See? We told you we would get the hospital back. The Dead aren't the Angry Vazergers.
December 3rd, 2012 - Blaise General Hospital fell to The Dead, however there was no one inside for them to feast on thanks primarily to the fact that no one likes that hospital. Once the zombies wandered off Rotten Ray swooped in to re-secure it.
December 2nd, 2012 - Attendance at Anne General Hospital is at an all-time low, well, from the living at least. The barricades were torn down and now 7 zombies from The Dead are standing inside. No survivors remaining. I'm sure we'll have this sorted out sooner or later.
November 17th, 2012 - In an act of purest hypocrisy, Deathwire reminds everyone that we don't kill people, we're a medical outfit. Don't believe me? Fine, here's a transcript of the actual conversation:
Xethon: "I say we have a small competition of killing each other. Every man for himself, plus one Wisp, against another. A battle to the death. Whoever slays the most wins."
Deathwire: "We're a medical outfit. This has served as an important reminder for why I shouldn't let you people make decisions."
November 9th, 2012 - To return the festive atmosphere to Dulston the D.I.T.P.S pressure their wispy leader, Deathwire, into adding more holidays to the work calendar. The following memo was found stapled to the bulletin board at Anne General Hospital:
D.I.T.P.S Officially Celebrated Holidays (i.e. vacation days)
In other news, Perzeus was discovered to be hanging out at The Pepperell Museum. Thankfully Deathwire was able to reach him in time and help him out, reporting: "That was a pretty nasty case of 'Perzeus being alive'. Fortunately for everyone his operation was a success. Keep an eye on him, though. It's a persistent disease and I'd hate to have to go back in there and perform shotgun surgery all over again."
October 26th, 2012 - Deathwire once shot a man, just to watch him die. Reno? No, Malton. Actually he phrased it more like this: "I killed someone and not even by accident this time. Seth Ironheart, a member of the Legends of Darkness. He came right to me."
October 17-18th, 2012 - The origin story of Perzeus is revealed to members of the D.I.T.P.S! Is he misunderstood? Does he deserve the hate? You be the judge:
I admit I was personally shocked. I bet Perzeus rarely talks about the incident and had to show the prosecutor on a doll where the Darkness had touched him... For shame Darkness! Molesting little boys!
October 7th, 2012 - People yell at Deathwire for paychecks, but he reminds them of the fact that they've been absorbed by some hippie volunteer organisation. He doesn't remember the name (this is what happens when you don't write things down) and blames it on the fact that he's just a government consultant nowadays.
September 24th, 2012 - The age old question plaguing Black Mesa has been answered. Xethon ate all the doughnuts.
September 13th, 2012 - Deathwire finally got his computer operating again so he could safely monitor the situation from his 30th floor office. Of course, the elevator had mysteriously disappeared when he had it taken apart and removed in order to provide a garbage chute so everybody hates meeting with him there. In an unrelated story, Deathwire ordered a hit on intcheck02 for bringing up the fact that he "ain't got no body". Just kidding. About the hit, not Deathwire's lack of a body.
July 11th, 2012 - Jackspear9 popped in to say hello and asked the question "Whatever happened to PANTHER?". Deathwire, ever the storyteller, was more than happy to step in and provide his own, heavily biased, rendition of events. To quote him, "This is a great story that I enjoy telling every so often to remind us all of how much damage a huge ego can do. It all started when PANTHER returned to Dulston, as they were once a mobile survivor group that passed through Dulton, but now they wanted to setup shop here on a more permanent basis. Back then our groups co-existed peacefully, we would meet in the street and tip our hats to one another while saying 'Good day sir!'. Those were the good days. Then PANTHER started to 'declare' ownership over several buildings, including Anne General Hospital. I don't have a problem with this tactic in theory, as Deathwire declares a lot of things too, like bankruptcy, without anyone paying him any heed. The problem was they refused to stop spraying over our group tags inside Anne General. Our argument was if they had so much property of their own, why don't they just spray their group tags in those buildings instead? Since nobody had claimed any of those buildings they wouldn't get any complaints, while the D.I.T.P.S primarily only tagged Dulston's hospitals where we worked. Their response was 'Go f**k yourselves'.
"To make matters worse this problem was soon followed by another issue involving barricade levels. Policy dictated that barricades within hospitals should remain at VSB+2 unless there were 3+ zombies standing around outside. That's not D.I.T.P.S policy, that's suburb policy. PANTHER decided it would be better to keep the barricades at EHB all the time, which caused all sorts of problems for survivors who became trapped outside. As such, the D.I.T.P.S began to systematically lower the barricade level while PANTHER would raise it, leading to a back and forth struggle. During these 'barricade struggles' the Angry Female Genitalia managed to break in and ruin Anne General. PANTHER's leadership threw a hissy fit and declared a few of us criminals for Barricade Plan Violations and Criminally Negligent Manslaughter. Here's a list of all their criminals. Notice that they threw in Rotten Ray too for being my comedic support and Healer computer2slow because, why the hell not, he's D.I.T.P.S too. It's all redundant, though, because our entire group was already found guilty of Criminally Negligent Manslaughter through Barricade Plan Violations and Disinformation. It wasn't the fact that the Angry Female Genitalia were zerging to the point where even EHB won't keep them out, nope. It was the fact that we lowered the barricade to VSB+2 when not a single zombie was outside.
"So, if you check PANTHER's forum, you'll be greeted with the message 'Board closed due to the Dulston Alliance killing our group'. This all happened because they wouldn't let us keep our tag on Anne General. I think at some point during the tension, after the barricade violations, they started sabotaging the hospital so that we would all get slaughtered by zombies.
"Also, nearly forgot, the conflict of words between PANTHER and the Dulston Alliance eventually spawned into a propaganda war. PANTHER would take something trivial and then write a news post about it on the Dulston suburb page implicating how the Dulston Alliance were wetting themselves like babies while BIG BADASS PANTHER had saved the day again. This happened almost on a daily basis. And let's not forget the fact that former members of PANTHER founded the Big Coffin Hunters, which I'm sure spoke volumes about what kind of survivors they really were, but that's a whole other kettle of fish.
"To summarize, PANTHER wanted to be the BIGGEST BADDEST HEROES, but in the end they proved to be just a bunch of children who couldn't share."
It should be noted that this is a fairly grand generalization made by Deathwire. If you were a member of PANTHER, and not a complete douchebag, we apologize if this article hurt your feelings. We just assume that since a majority of former PANTHER members were, and still are, douchebags we rightfully don't care about hurting their feelings.
July 10th, 2012 - A recon report from Rotten Ray mentioned that a mob of 30 zombies were attacking the northwest corner barricades of Treweeke Mall. Ever being the hero, Ray popped inside to kill 3 zombies that had breached the barricades earlier and then helped shore-up their defenses. Still, it will only be a matter of time now...
July 7th, 2012 - Our newest team member, intcheck02, provided a disturbing recon report. Apparently he spotted 18 zombies outside the Whitlock Building. As this is three to four times the number we're used to seeing around Dulston these days it certainly spells trouble.
June 26th, 2012 - Captan Price reported in from Fort Creedy, informing us that he was working hard talking up how amazing the D.I.T.P.S are as a survivor group. We can only hope that these survivors join up and become too invested in our group before they realize otherwise.
June 21st, 2012 - In an effort to bolster the ranks of the D.I.T.P.S Xethon spraypainted half of Dulston with D.I.T.P.S propaganda, aka "Join the D.I.T.P.S! http://goo.gl/QeEKv". He also reported two interesting pieces of graffiti while running around the suburb, namely one about "FREE Healthcare" at Anne General Hospital and "Hail Deathwire" graffiti-ed in Clewett Alley PD.
June 15th, 2012 - Rotten Ray launched an assault to hold the Whitlock Building, aka "The Fortress of Science", which had been breached by three zombies who were attacking infected survivors inside. He softened up one target, allowing Deathwire the opportunity to kill two of them, dump the corpses, and re-barricade back up to Very Strongly.
June 13th, 2012 - Captan Price requests permission to visit Fort Creedy. Deathwire, impressed he even bothered to ask, gives his permission. Xethon overheard about the road tri[p and immediately volunteered to keep him company. We wish them the best of luck on their journey.
pi·ñan·da [pee-nyan-dah]; verb; a zombie tactic, as described by Healer computer2slow, whereby a zombie panda is used inside a heavily barricaded ruined building to cause trouble. Also see, "typo".
June 1st, 2012 - Deathwire reported, "Everything's back to normal." How normal? So normal that we actually have the free time to attack zombies lurking inside Treweeke Mall, that's how quiet things have become. So grab some ammo and shoot some zombies.
May 27th, 2012 - Either Mendak has failed to understand how "Dual Nature" works or he's a douchebag, you be the judge as he murdered our beloved mascot Xethon. And he didn't even whisper sweet nothings in his ear as he did it... the cad!
May 24th, 2012 - Rotten Ray reported news that actually had nothing to do with us for a change, as he stated, "The BAR in Rolt Heights have been hit hard. There are 13 zeds inside everyone's favourite northeast pub. The good news is that I managed to bleed all over the D.I.T.P.S bar tab when I died, so it'll be hard to prove that Xethon drank all of those daiquiris and mint juleps he's so fond of..."
May 21st, 2012 - Dulston is considered a Ghost Town, which is odd, because of all those zombies... and us. Sure, we know what you're saying "Are you guys even in Dulston?". Some of us are, others are in adjacent suburbs. What? So we commute to work each day... it makes perfect sense to us.
May 20th, 2012 - The D.I.T.P.S is working hard... that just sounds so wrong... to repair and re-barricade all of Dulston. If any other survivor groups feel like doing this instead, they can contact us and we'll let them claim all the glory. Honest. We just want to go back to being lazy.
May 16th, 2012 - Feeling invincible, Deathwire taunted the Angry Vazergers. He maintains that Anne stands as a bastion of medical fortitude...? Fortressitude? I really don't know where I'm going with this, so I'll stop now.
May 15th, 2012 - The following is an excerpt from Deathwire's next biographical book, "Inside Everyone's Just Complicated Meatloaf: A Surgeon's Tale":
EIGHT HOURS Later...
Zombies... where is your work ethic? How can you let the D.I.T.P.S show you up like this? It's embarrassing. For both of us, I guess.
May 14th, 2012 - Perennial "He's Back...?" favorite RJMacReady has once again returned to spread gunfire to the zombie hordes plaguing the northeast corner of Malton.
May 7th, 2012 - A recon report from Xethon painted a none-to-kind evaluation of Dulston's current situation as he reported most of the suburb was ruined with the exception of Blaise General Hospital. We have dubbed it "Our Little Miracle". We naturally assume nothing bad will ever happen there... EVER.
May 4th, 2012 - With the return of the Angry Vazergers the suburb of Dulston has taken a turn for the worse. As is typical, this is the exact time that Flyte decided to return to active duty, commenting, "I take a short break and come back to see my office ransacked and the suburb we swore to protect in ruins. What am I paying you people for?!"
Xethon countered with, "I believe you meant, 'What am I paying Deathwire for'."
Deathwire countered with actual work, as he reported, "I've been doing my best to whittle down those zombies that are sitting pretty inside buildings. They'll either waste AP standing back up to regenerate their health or be stuck at a lower health value as a defender. Works in our favour either way."
April 30th, 2012 - Dunwa Saleem, who is a member of a completely made-up group called "The Reascended", attacked some of our staff. So in case anyone sees him, do not, I repeat DO NOT, feed him candy. He'll bite your hand clean off.
April 26th, 2012 - Healer computer2slow reported that all signs point to the Angry Vazergers having returned! A declaration that forced Rotten Ray to dub him Captain Understatement. However, C2S preferred to be called Captain Obvious.
Deathwire went on comment that every AV zombie in his contact list went from inactive to active in mere hours. Xethon explained, "Well last time we made him think we wouldn't do anything. We fooled him by doing nothing for weeks, even going so far as to let the zombies control a hospital. Then, when the guy controlling all of them stopped playing due to boredom, we swooped in and reclaimed everything!"
A good, solid plan.
April 24th, 2012 - The following conversation actually happened, honest engine:
April 23rd, 2012 - Deathwire noticed some disturbing graffiti recently: "Somebody has spraypainted D.I.T.P.S Hospital = 1 NE. Free Healthcare!". His official response? "Bullshit." So be sure to bring a major credit card when you drop by to get healed.
April 15th, 2012 - Healer computer2slow hastily scrawled his report onto a piece of paper, tied it to a rock, and hurled it at Deathwire's head. It reads, "Barricades at Anne General Hospital were at Quitely with 7 zeds outside. I got them to Extremely, but I'm sure that we will all be: DEAD BY DAWN!"
April 8th, 2012 - SHIN0BI, an affiliate of the adorable Blindingly Cute Hamsters, murdered Xethon in an act that defies logic. Someone should tell SHIN0BI, if that's his R3AL name, that hamsters are cute and cuddly... so why is he acting so out-of-character?
In related news, Rotten Ray added in his two cents, "I can't keep track anymore - I thought that we WEREN'T killing him/her/it anymore...? At least that's what I thought we were doing... Dammit - I liked the old days when a group would swoop in, declare their intentions for all to see and then partake in a screaming-hot lead exchange. In an unrelated item, is there a bigger douchebag than Adrien Brody in his oh-so-smug Gillette Fusion Proglide commercials? God, I wanna rip his face off and sew it to his ass with a staplegun. And no, I haven't been drinking..."
April 6th, 2012 - As expected Rotten Ray has re-captured our beloved St. Anacletus's Hospital from the zombies who raided/ruined it yesterday. A pity all the survivors, well there were only two, inside the building were eaten.
April 5th, 2012 - Rotten Ray, having only yesterday explained how things work when it comes to Deathwire had this to report, "In a shocking reversal, the zeds are killing everyone EXCEPT Deathwire! What is this? Super reverse day!!?? I'm at Duport Avenue right now cooling my heels while waiting for the needle. Four zeds are inside St. Anacletus's Hospital along with 2 remaining survivors (one of them an untouched Deathwire...) and the doors are open - those with AP and bullets have at 'em... otherwise wait 'til they try to have a go at Anne General Hospital, dispersing enough from St. Anacletus's that it can be recaptured. They're too small a group to hold both buildings. Looks like whatever zeds we're dealing with here are a small, but determined, mob. Since they've been attacking our hospitals fairly consistently these last few days they finally managed to gain a beachhead inside one."
April 4th, 2012 - Another break-in attempt was reported at St. Anacletus's Hospital by Xethon. Thankfully Deathwire was there and Xethon remembered his training (see News article dated December 12th, 2008). Deathwire recalled the events that led to this information news post: "I remember the event, vividly. I was in some Rhodenbank hospital. I had just stated that unless zombies burst into the building and dragged me out, right then and there, that the hospital was now D.I.T.P.S property. About two minutes later a zombie busted in, dragged me out, and someone closed the door as he left. I'm SUPER delicious. The secret ingredient? Plenty of irony."
April 2nd, 2012 - Xethon called in an emergency report, "There was a small break-in at St. Anacletus's Hospital with one zed inside. I healed every survivor up, brought the barricades up to VSB, and the zed's HP down to 20-something. Suddenly another zed brought down the barricades and stepped inside. I need someone to get over here or the 6 African sculptors that I'm assuming Deathwire placed here will be destroyed."
March 26th, 2012 - Recent events at Anne General Hospital seem to indicate zombies don't like to be combat revived. We agree, since they keep walking in while infected, giving annoying speechs, dying, and then biting us. The following conversation was dictated:
And they all lived happily ever after...
March 19th, 2012 - Rotten Ray ounched the clock as usual today with the following report: "Just had a breakin at St. Anacletus's Hospital - 2 zeds were inside and the barricades were down. By the time I was done using all my AP for the day the barricades were back up and those zeds were gone. Beer o'clock, gentlemen!"
Update: It appears the zombies didn't much care for this as they overran the hospital and killed Ray. Fortunately Deathwire was there, or as he reported it, "I tossed one zed out, put the barricades up a bit, and then placed a sculpture commemorating my victory. Still one zed left."
March 16th, 2012 - The following report, given by Rotten Ray, has recently become declassified so we thought it would be nice to share it, "Damn zeds are pinata'ing a whole bunch of buildings to break our free running lanes between the hospitals... axes and crowbars out people! I only made it back inside with 1 AP to spare after furiously running around looking for an entry point. Currently Downe Towers is only a Heavily barricaded pinata, down from EHB courtesy of me. Another coupla knocks should take it down to VSB so the repair crews can get inside and see what kind of zombie treat is inside the shell. The Turvill Build is a VHB pinata. Whoever did this didn't want us to be able to move between hospitals. I think we're looking at a probable attack at one of the hospitals - Anne General Hospital would be my guess."
March 9th, 2012 - Flyte popped in today just to remind everyone he's watching us to make sure we're working hard... 'shhhhhiiiiiit'!
March 1st, 2012 - emPathetic Bill murdered our illustrious Security Captain, Rotten Ray. We here at the D.I.T.P.S will miss him. Until he's revived from the dead... like Jesus. The world is such a crazy place until you take comfort in religion.
February 29th, 2012 - Deathwire had the following to report, "There's certainly been a dedicated effort to make the Starr Building a pinata. I checked it out earlier, removed saboteur number one's dead body, and replaced it with a sculpture. On my return I see the Starr Building is currently a pinata again. Now that's dedication."
February 27th, 2012 - Several days after the fact, the following report from Rotten Ray has been declassified for your reading pleasure, "Woke up in Anne General Hospital with 5 zeds inside - killed 2, popped next door with 1 AP remaining so the remaining 3 didn't eat me and found our own Healer C2S zombified and hanging around the FD. I'm now -9AP after giving him the shot. Anne needs some help - there's only 3 zeds... Oh, and if someone could please barricade the FD so I have SOME chance of surviving the night I'd be much obliged..."
Update: Xethon killed a zombie inside Anne General Hospital and even re-barricaded the hosiptal, before barricading the nearby fire station. Rotten Ray had this to say: "Did you ever know that you're my hero?"
February 26th, 2012 - Captan Price joined the D.I.T.P.S. As always, we're happy to see new faces. The current ones make us vomit. Joking... *stares*
February 20th, 2012 - After a struggle that defied common D.I.T.P.S conventions, it would appear that Anne General Hospital has finally fallen to the horde. Better luck next time and all that.
February 16th, 2012 - Defying orders, and common sense, Healer computer2slow bravely tried to rescue as many survivors as possible from Anne General Hospital, which now sported 10 zombies. It was a losing battle, but you have to commend him for his fighting spirit in an organization where joking apathy is the order of the day.
February 15th, 2012 - Anne General Hospital has had its barricades destroyed and acquired 9 zombies of the biting variety who are eating people inside. Oh well! It's not a hospi-oh wait. Crap. Don't panic people, we'll regroup and retake it after the zombie get bored abd mostly leave. This strategy has worked for ages, trust us.
February 13th, 2012 - Midelton Crescent PD, favorite ammo dump of Security Captain Rotten Ray, was overrun today. Oh well! It's not a hospital so we're not liable to be blamed for dropping the ball on this one. I mean, come on, am I right?
February 11th, 2012 - Jackspear9 maintained the barricades at Anne General Hospital and then he did something that we don't often do, namely, he talked-up the D.I.T.P.S, or in his own words: "I preached a bit of the D.I.T.P.S propaganda to the local squatters in the hospital. Most don't have groups, so hey, why not?"
Why not indeed?
February 7th, 2012 - With his recent return, so to have allegations against jackspear9 of his supposed drug abuse, to which he responded, "The only medication I take is called Jack Spear! It's made of zombie blood and causes WINNING! The side-effects of anyone else taking it would be your face melting off and your head exploding, 'cause I'm a max level zombie hunter! Some people say I've got dementia, but the only dimension I live in is the dimension of pure WIN!"
See, no drug abuse here.
February 5th, 2012 - Anne General Hospital and St. Anacletus's Hospital have been recaptured and powered, for the greater good. On the flip side Blaise General Hospital is under siege. We hope everyone inside bought D.I.T.P.S-brand health insurance.
In other news jackspear9 wandered in off the street and asked if he still had a job with the D.I.T.P.S. I'm sure he realized no one ever leaves the D.I.T.P.S... not even death can severe our binding employment contract.
January 30th, 2012 - Caleb Usher contacted the D.I.T.P.S for the first time in ages. The general concensus was bewildering surprise at his return (well, not in Malton, he escaped after all). Caleb then rolled up his sleeves and updated the D.I.T.P.S News with collected reports of the past 11 months, cuz' that's how he rolls.
January 26th, 2012 - Xethon reported, "Big day today. Most of the ruined buildings in Dulston are now empty. Repaired Parrott Towers, Downe Towers, The Speak Motel, and The Gouger Arms. Then I 'caded most of them. Also, The Holdway Museum has only one zombie inside."
January 22nd, 2012 - Rotten Ray provide the following information. If you have a heart condition, we recommend that you not read the following:
Since your last turn: Cap'tain Rhodes healed you for 10 HP. (yesterday)
And what was Ray's response? "Hell has officially frozen over..."
January 19th, 2012 - Xethon reported, "Wow... Half the suburb (Dulston) just got ruined within a few hours. Fortunately most of us have been revived. AGH and SAH are down. SAH has 6 zombies inside. The Trood Building] is still up and lit. I'm offering revives to anyone who needs them at the cemetery south of Trood."
January 18th, 2012 - Anne General Hospital was under attack, with two zombies having broken inside. Rotten Ray and Healer computer2slow were on-site to deal with the menace, but instead got themselves killed. How odd... we're calling a Mulligan on this one.
January 17th, 2012 - At some point Anne General Hospital was overrun... but no one bothered to report it. However Flyte did report that the hospital was now recaptured and back in the hands of the D.I.T.P.S.
January 9th, 2012 - St. Anacletus Hospital has been overrun with 10 zombies inside. Fortunately we managed to move all our porn out before the hospital fell. However, none of our patients managed to survive. Sacrifices had to be made, dammit!
January 2nd, 2012 - Looks like the Angry Vazergers (yes, we like that one best) have returned from their vacation. How do we know? We know, and have the bite marks to prove it. Oh, and Anne General Hospital has been overrun.
January 1st, 2012 - And yet another year dawns on the D.I.T.P.S. Who would have imagined that a group formed back in 2006 would have lasted this long? Here's to 6 more years! Unless the Myans were right, in which case, here's to 1 more year and then innevitable apocalypse. God, I sure hope the zombies die at least... or the Rapture and all the zombies get left behind. That would be equally acceptable.
December 26th, 2011 - With the diminished zombie more killers have been popping up in Dulston. As always, they include former "pro-survivors" like PANTHER members whose hobby is murdering members of the D.I.T.P.S. When asked to comment of why this happens so often Flyte replied, "Dulston is just one big bipolar suburb."
December 25th, 2011 - Merry Christmas to everyone who isn't a complete jackass! You know who you are. *wink*
December 21st, 2011 - Rotten Ray recaptured, repaired and re-barricaded Anne General Hospital. Time to celebrate! Everyone party on the roof! Wait... I'm forgetting something... oh well, I'm sure it will come to me later.
December 19th, 2011 - Flyte provided the following recon report, "Anne is ruined, while St. Anacletus has two zombies inside, every survivor is at about half-health, and the barricades haven't been rebuilt. I've fallen back to the secured <classified location> with the last 5 AP I had after healing Xethon."
December 17th, 2011 - Sooo, yes, Anne General Hospital was overran by zombies. We shouldn't have been partying on the rooftop for the past three days. We see that now. Ah well, live, learn, die, and live again.
December 14th, 2011 - Today, in the kind of surprising turn around we here at the D.I.T.P.S like so much, both Anne General and St. Anacletus Hospitals have been recaptured, repaired, and re-barricaded. With just some heavy-duty cleaning detergent to clean up all the bloodstains and it's like the siege never happened.
December 13th, 2011 - With the siege of Anne General Hospital over and the D.I.T.P.S recovering its fallen comrades at Duport Avenue, the zombies quickly shambled over to St. Anacletus and overran the building.
December 12th, 2011 - On Day 6 of the siege, well, the siege of Anne General Hospital was official a bust and Plan B was initiated, or as Rotten Ray reported, "Eight zombies now - AGH is toast - make sure you grab all of the pornography you can as you make your way in an orderly fashion to the nearest exits..." The final count, 6 zombies inside and 8 more outside, plus the corpses of D.I.T.P.S defenders Flyte, Healer computer2slow, and Doc11111.
December 11th, 2011 - On Day 5 things started out well enough, but soon zombie break-ins at Anne General Hospital started occuring with startling frequency. First two zombies managed to get inside, then before they could be compeltely dealth with, one more joined them, then the number rose to six zombies... after that it was decided things were seriously going downhill.
December 10th, 2011 - On Day 4 of the siege the situation progressed as expected with break-ins at Anne General Hospital. Of note, Flyte stepped in to kill one zombie intruder and injure another. As the hospital was still standing in D.I.T.P.S hands at the end of the day it just goes to show you we're on a freakin' winning streak! Woo-hoo!
December 9th, 2011 - The twin sieges continues into Day 3, with most of the focus being on Anne General Hospital. Today there was a moderate break-in, which resulted in Healer computer2slow being dragged out into the street and killed. The intruding zombies were soon killed and dumped, but C2S was already torn apart before he even realized it. He blamed his internet connection being disrupted, but that's crazy talk.
December 8th, 2011 - And the fun continues on Day 2 of the siege with both Anne General and St. Anacletus Hospitals still under D.I.T.P.S control, which considering how things have often gone in the past, is pretty damn impressive. I'm sure the zombies outside are also impressed, especially j0n and j0nathan... who incidentally have very similar names, and joined Malton in 2005 just 13 days apart from each other, but aren't in the same zombie group. We're sure it's simply a coincidence... right...?
In other news, the defense of the hospitals continues unabated with this recent report:
December 7th, 2011 - Our efforts to beautify Dulston with the repair of Anne General and St. Anacletus Hospitals has not gone unnoticed. A pity the only ones who really noticed were the zombies. So yes, both hospitals are under siege and, in what some are saying is a surprising turn of events, the D.I.T.P.S are actually doing a reasonable job at keeping them out. Rotten Ray had this to report, "AGH is now clear inside and has six zombies outside - most probably the unfriendly variety. Healer C2S was hiding amongst them, but I revived him so... BACK TO WORK SLACKER! Death is not an excuse for not working!" We hope to keep everyone, survivor and zombie alike, entertained for a while longer, but if you have a hankerin' for healin' we heartily recommend you drop by to get FAKs now before things get any worse.
December 4th, 2011 - Aliss was hard at work today, re-barricading both Anne General and St. Anacletus Hospitals. Barely a few days on the job and already doing the work of TWO unpaid interns. And trust me, we here at the D.I.T.P.S know how much interns should really get paid. Wait, I went off on a tangent again.
December 3rd, 2011 - Whaaaa-Anne General Hospital was overrun and ruined you say?!? No worries. Healer computer2slow killed the last zombie inside, repaired, and re-barricaded. Those zombies just don't know who they're dealing with. We have the unearthly tenacity of a 3-year old holding some candy. Good luck trying to defeat that kind of force!
November 30th, 2011 - Aliss joined the D.I.T.P.S, and there was much rejoicing. I know we always planned for the day someone would actually join up, but you never really can prepare for it, ya know? *sniff, sniff*
November 29th, 2011 - Zombies keep knocking on the doors to Anne General Hospital, but we keeping telling them to go away. Bad zombies! In short order the few that managed to break inside were killed and dumped. How's that for work ethic? People will soon start expecting, nay counting on, the D.I.T.P.S to do stuff and get stuff done. Like laundry. Or taking showers. Wait, I just realized you can do both of those at once... don't work harder people, work smarter. And yes, I'm officially rambling now...
November 28th, 2011 - Reports have just come in indicating that both The Whitlock Building and Treweeke Mall have been overrun. While reports are still sketchy we are reasonably comfortable in saying this had no direct connection to killing Perzeus a half-dozen times. And since he was a zombie throughout the whole ordeal our karma has to be solid gold. But yes, we're happy none of us were in those buildings.
November 25th, 2011 - I'm sure you were expecting some other news, but nope, the D.I.T.P.S really intend to show Perzeus a good time while he causes trouble in Dulston, so instead more results from the hunt:
November 23rd, 2011 - And just when you think it couldn't go on. It goes on. Perzeus is hunted down some more for his crimes:
November 22nd, 2011 - And thus the hunt for Perzeus began:
November 20th, 2011 - Doc11111, one of the more non-violent members of the D.I.T.P.S, is killed by Perzeus, as reported by Rotten Ray who stated, "Noticed Perzeus got you Doc - I'm a little offended that he capped you first before he made an unsuccessful attempt at me. Everyone find the little bastard and if you can't cap him yourselves LET ME KNOW WHERE HE IS!". Which then leads to an unexpected chain of events.
November 11th, 2011 - Wouldn't you know it? The moment the zombies bugger off and Dulston becomes a happy place for survivors then in roll the murderers. Typical. Anywho, Perzeus showed up, after being gone for ages, and murdered Flyte.
Of course some of the newer D.I.T.P.S members have no clue who Perzeus is, so Rotten Ray provided the following background information:
"Long ago a young D.I.T.P.S member named Perzeus, who was a former pupil of mine, was seduced by the Dark Side of the Force--or was it free Bingo coupons? I can't remember--and joined the
Also, we too sometimes wonder whatever happened to the Vazergers... and why we never came up with such a hilarious name for them. Life is full of mysteries.
November 10th, 2011 - Dulston is actually looking in good shape these days, in no small part due to our efforts to resecure random buldings throughout the suburb. Even Treweeke Mall has been completely recaptured with a surplus of survivors in each corner. This is sure to be the next Golden Age of Dulston, and I'm sure we won't later come back to regret these words.
November 8th, 2011 - Flyte single-handedly recaptured the northwest corner of Treweeke Mall. We're sure much heroism was involved, even though no details were given by the man in question. He's just being modest people.
November 7th, 2011 - Flyte died and went on a zombie-fueled ZKer spree at Treweeke Mall. Many random hostile zombies were harmed during the event, but not all that much. No doubt he is cursing his delicate and flimsy surgeon hands, adept more at saving lives than ripping out livers.
November 5th, 2011 - Deathwire, for the first time, raises the unspoken question: "Where is the Dulston Alliance?" We seriously hope the answer isn't: "The D.I.T.P.S are the Alliance." But, on the off-chance that we are the last member group left standing, we want to express max kudos to every D.I.T.P.S staffer for proving obsessive tenacity really pays off.
In other news, random D.I.T.P.S members too numerous (like a whole three or four people) went around Dulston repairing random non-descript buildings. In some cases, due to the repair cost, they didn't even bother barricading. End result? None of our team died. We're not sure what game the zombies are playing at, but we like it so far.
November 3rd, 2011 - Xethon continued his one man crusade in Dulston as he recaptured The Bridgman Building. He also reported that St. Anacletus's Hospital had been breached by a lone zombie, but thanks to the true fearless leader, Flyte, it was swiftly put down.
In other news, Flyte, long rumored to have been killed and buried under Yankee Stadium by Deathwire returned... alive. On learning of the event Deathwire was said to have shed tears... of happiness, no doubt.
October 17th, 2011 - Orophin Minyatur came back to work after being away for ages. His only mistake? Announcing his return on the the forum, so Deathwire docked Orophin's salary by 20%. So that's 20% of $0, which is like... maaaaathhhhh. Okay, let's just forget it and move along.
September 18th, 2011 - The All-Female Fan Club zombies came in and overran Anne General Hospital and forcing Rhodes Renegades to run away like scared little girls. We have mixed feelings about the whole incident. While we agree it's funny that, for all their tough talk, the Renegades ended up running rather than fighting to the last man, we hate seeing ol' Anne beaten up by zombies of any stripe. Of course we can hardly blame the Renegades for running, after all, they probably realized they had so few friends in Dulston, what with people knowing who they were by reputation, that they just couldn't risk dying and having to shamble along until they found another suburb's RP where the local survivors didn't recognize them. You can't argue with logic.
September 17th, 2011 - Shocking new evidence shows that Rhodes Renegades were clearly using a variance of the classic "good cop, bad cop" routine in order to confuse the D.I.T.P.S as to their true intentions. We have no problem with them playing mind games, only Cap'tain Rhodes took it in a completely different direction by actually playing both roles, or as we like to term it, "psycho cop". See for yourself:
Now if that's not crazy talk, I don't know what is. Is there any surprise that Cap'tain Rhodes' and his group are holed up in Dulston's only psychiatric hospital? It's not ironic at all. But it's pretty damn funny.
When asked for his opinion Deathwire replied, "Rhodes is a jackass. I'd like to point this fact out by showing the irony in him claiming the zombies are Dulston Alliance zergs while one was busy attacking one of our men. If they want to claim the mental hospital as their own then let them. We're going in a new direction with the D.I.T.P.S in order to build up activity and interest, and that direction is the same one that we've been going in for the last two years:
September 16th, 2011 - We tracked down Deathwire and inquired as to his opinion on the recent Rhodes Renegades controversy. He responded with the following statement, "You know what? I don't even care. They just want a reaction from us. Don't bother giving them one. Ever since PANTHER decided they were the saviours that this city needed we've had nothing but bullshit from their former members. They're ones to hold a grudge, that's for damned sure. It doesn't even make any sense for them to claim Anne General as their HQ. We're more of a MASH unit at the moment anyway so as far as I'm concerned every building in Dulston is Anne General. Also, Rhodes Renegades is the name of a 15 and under Girls AAU Basketball Team, so I'm not too intimidated by a bunch of children playing make-believe.
"The most important thing to remember, though, is not to give them a reaction. They preach that they're anti-zergers. The D.I.T.P.S do not zerg. We may not actively hunt down zergers and put them to the torch, but we don't condone it and we support any movements that act against it. If members of Rhodes Renegades start shooting at us, like I believe one has already done to Rotten Ray, then they're just wolves in sheep's clothing and we can get appropriate assistance then. Until then, we won't antagonize them. Let them put their tag over ours on Anne General. It's not like our tag ever stays up for long. Let them deal with all the troubles that comes with staying there. We've made that building more hated by Dulston's anti-survivor community than even The Whitlock Building. In the end, let them reap what they sow."
In other news Chase Gilligan actually decided to show up for work today after taking several months of AWOL. He now sleeps with one eye open in fear of Deathwire rising from the shadows to deliver a devastating demotion.
September 15th, 2011 - Rhodes Renegades have declared Anne General Hospital has their headquarters, which is wrong on so many levels. First off, last time we checked, the D.I.T.P.S manage Anne General. I mean, when zombies are snacking on everyone inside. Second, suburb policy and good manners dictates that, unless under siege, a hospital should always be maintained at Very Strongly barricaded... not Extremely Heavily barricaded as the Rhodes Renegades advertise. We plan to send them a sternly worded letter, tied to a brick, to let them know what we think of their claim.
September 8th, 2011 - Healer computer2slow recaptured The Much Arms from two hostile zombies, before repairing and re-barricading the building. It has no real tactical significance, but since we like taking things from the zombies we're still calling it a "win".
September 4th, 2011 - Rotten Ray reported that he repaired and re-barricaded the previously ruined Midelton Crescent PD. Anyone looking for ammo, in order to perform Deathwire-patented Pistol Surgery™ on zombies, is encouraged to drop by the police station.
September 2nd, 2011 - Blaise General Hospital has been recaptured and barricaded by Rotten Ray for the Greater Good. Free bandages and morphine for everyone! When asked about his success Ray provided the following tip, "Run and gun my friends - don't stay too long in one place - Run and gun, repair and 'cade, then move, move, move."
September 1st, 2011 - On a serious note, Thomas Vallis is a horrible text-raping jackass. Anyone gains karma by killing this jerk. We may not like Alice, but no one deserves that crap. Oh, and everyone at The Burchell Arms was killed by zombies. A serious and newsworthy post here in the D.I.T.P.S News Reports? What is the world coming to?
August 29th, 2011 - Today we wanted to take a moment to reminisce about the Big Coffin Hunters. Some of you may be wondering, "Hey members of the D.I.T.P.S, why aren't there anymore funny stories about the BCH?" Well, it turns out they disbanded a while back and no one noticed. Not even us.
In other news, or better, related news, Deathwire issued the following reminder, "Alice is now a 'friend' of the BAR. The Dulston Alliance too, I suppose. She left the BCH when they fell apart due to overwhelming inactivity. I don't know if she still murders, but she doesn't like us. Don't kill her anymore. We would appreciate it if you would apologize to the group inside The Burchell Arms. Do you people know how many calls I get from our legal team these days? You're killing me here. They aren't buying 'Alien Intervention' as reasonable cause anymore. For future reference, don't kill anyone inside the Burchell Arms, even if they deserve it."
August 25th, 2011 - Xethon reported surprising(ly funny) news today, apparently graffiti inside Lentell Walk PD read: "Down with DEATHWIRE! Sic semper tyrannis!". We all knew this day would come... Deathwire's oldest enemies have finally returned... the ROMANS!
August 22nd, 2011 - Xethon recaptured Anne General Hospital, killing two zombies in the process. How much more heroic can you get? What? The building is also barricaded now? Damn. That sir, is how it is done.
August 9th, 2011 - The Malton Carabinieri are no longer with us. In more ways than one. When asked for a comment Deathwire was quoted as having said, "Revoke their forum access? I've known about it, but never deemed it worth to act on. I just filed it under L for 'Lazy' and took the day off."
Update: Broken Arrow! Broken Arrow! The Angry Female Genitalia overheard our happiness and did what they do best. No, the other thing. No, not that... the other thing. Yes, they killed Ray and ruined the hospital.
July 24th, 2011 - Xethon wrote a report today, but lacking a pen he used a spraycan. To say its illegible is giving credit to the bright red sheet of paper he handed in. So instead, here's his verbal report, "I've been spraying 'LONG LIVE DEATHWIRE' all over the northeast corner of Malton." This is considered to be standard demoralization tactics. However we're not yet sure how demoralizing our fellow survivors helps us. When we inquired further it appears Xethon felt obliged to perform this task after recently being demoted and docked wages.
In light of this brazen attempt at ass-kissing Deathwire responded, "See this, people? This is what you're supposed to do with the imaginary demotions I hand out. You aren't supposed to just forget about them as soon as they happen due to the lack of consequences they hold. You're supposed to work harder to redeem your adequate name in the light of the Greater Good. Ignore the fact that people are more likely to shoot at me now that my name is everywhere and that Xethon doesn't actually get paid a salary, but it's the thought that counts. In regards to Xethon, no. You will not be promoted. The D.I.T.P.S doesn't go up, it only goes down."
To which the general response was, "That's what she said..."
Later Rotten Ray provided these comforting thoughts, "It's a circle of life kinda thing - eventually you get demoted so far down that space-time warps around you and you wind up as Deathwire's boss - with the power to issue demotions yourself! Or so the theory goes. Flyte told me that before Deathwire convinced him to step in the Quantum Accelerator for the 'Greater Good' - I don't think anyone has ever hung around long enough to generate sufficient velocity in the demotion spiral..."
July 23rd, 2011 - Rotten Ray recaptured The Trood Building in an act of heroism beyond description. So by definition there's really no point in me trying to write about it here. It happened, so zombies just gotta deal with it.
July 13th, 2011 - Deathwire managed to get onto the internet and used its resources to the best of his ability, as he reported, "After Googling 'Deathwire' for a bit, as is my weekly exercise in narcissism, I'm here to say one thing. To hell with you people! I have a
In more relevant news, Deathwire provided the following recon report, "The Clewett Building, Oake Walk PD, and Spicer Row PD are empty of standing zombies. Six zombies are inside Anne General, five in The Trood Building, three in The Beale Building. Our All-Female Fan Club holds dominion over the forces there. They also occupy some minor buildings, like The Much Arms. Compared to hospitals and NTs, the mall is safe. A total of five zombies standing, I think, with one corner being completely empty."
The veracity of the report was immediately questioned by Healer computer2slow, who accused, "Who are you and what have you done with the real Deathwire? He never leaves his office of solitude. NEVER!"
To which Deathwire rebuttled, "Correct, but it's on wheels now. Now stop shirking your duty and start pulling so I can get another intel report done."
June 29th, 2011 - Oh, the humanity! Anne General was overrun by 6 Angry Female Genitalia zombies. Why, oh why, did we fill the building with highly flammable hydrogen... and not ignite it? With the barricades torn down all our precious hydrogen is gone. Way to go AV gang.
June 27th, 2011 - The D.I.T.P.S and Malton Carabinieri, well, mostly the Malton Carabinieri, have been helping restore law and order to Dulston. I'm sure in no way the statement "We've finally won the war against the zombie menace." will ever come back to haunt us. No sir. It's all sunshine, lollypops, rainbows, and kittens from now on.
June 22nd, 2011 - Rotten Ray died (again) and requested a revive. When one was not forthcoming fast enough he edited his request to read: "Forget you people... Do you know who keeps reviving me? Tony F'n Loop, that's who keeps reviving me. What's next? The Angry Vags repairing buildings and shoving my intestines back inside my torso?" For those of you 'not in the know' Tony Loop was a notorious GKer, who became a hostile zombie whenever he was executed by survivors. However he's been doing good work these days, so many here at the D.I.T.P.S feel he should be forgiven. That way the surplus rage targeted towards him could be redirected elsewhere, or for lack of a better target, invested in a rage-based GIC fund at a nearby bank for great dividends in a few years. Yes people, I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm no financial advisor.
June 19th, 2011 - It took three of them, but the Angry Female Genitalia managed to break into Weston Crescent, killed poor Healer computer2slow (who was totally just minding his own business), and then wrecked up the place. This is why we can't have nice things. I would usually take a moment now to make a PMS-related joke, only we all know PMS is no joke. They've got it bad.
June 17th, 2011 - Deathwire was spotted swaying outside in an empty parking lot and inquiries were made as to whether he needed a revive, to which he responded, "Nah. I'm trying to validate my parking. I've been waiting at the booth for two days now, but it looks like they're out to lunch."
June 16th, 2011 - Someone found Rotten Ray's "To Do" list, and a bunch of stuff was checked off on it:
June 14th, 2011 - DarthKnight dropped by the hospital and reported (in a now unclassified brief), "With the new group (Malton Carabinieri) in Dulston, I think we should start consolidating there to assist them in assisting us with recovering Dulston. We're no longer the only survivor group trying to defend that block, especially since Dead vs Blue moved to Pescodside." We're sure DeathKnight's enthusiasm is in no way spurred by the fact that both he and members of Malton Carabinieri are from 4chan.
When Deathwire was asked about whether he would work to build diplomatic ties between the D.I.T.P.S and the Malton Carabinieri he responded, "I make no promises towards being diplomatic. I'm fine with making friends, but they oppose the 'looting' of statues from museums. Just remember Deathwire's golden rule: It isn't looting if you don't get called out for it. You can observe such a policy when you look at our source of medical supplies." Oh Deathwire! You're incorrigible.
June 12th, 2011 - A lot of small non-newsworthy things happened, like how Rotten Ray kept recapturing, losing, and then recapturing The Whitlock Building. Xethon also spent a whopping 119 AP to repair Parrott Towers. What do we need that building for? Nothing! But he's crazy like that.
In other news, Deathwire reported that while the Angry Female Genitalia were still managing to ruin Dulston's hospitals, their numbers were much smaller than in the past. Also, a survivor group going by the name, Malton Carabinieri, have contacted the D.I.T.P.S in an effort to coordinate anti-zombie efforts in Dulston. As this would doubtlessly lead to annoying the AV gang, sure why not?
June 6th, 2011 - After years away, the long-lost son of the D.I.T.P.S returned. We're talking about Intx13. I mean, he joined back in 2007. 2007, for cryin' out loud. And now he's back. Good thing we didn't turn his bedroom into the Arts & Crafts room Deathwire wanted.
June 5th, 2011 - Jackspear9 suddenly returned to active duty, with a post on the D.I.T.P.S forum, and we were all like, "Whaaaa-!". Or something to that effect. You really just had to be there.
May 25th, 2011 - Once again Healer computer2slow acted in the better interests of Dulston's survivors and recaptured The Beale Building. With it repaired and re-barricaded we're certain to earn brownie points with our fellow survivor bretheren. If any are still alive.
May 21st, 2011 - Healer computer2slow, continued the disturbing trend of the D.I.T.P.S actually being useful to humanity, as he recaptured, fixed, and re-barricaded Clewett Alley PD before proceeding to recapture and repair Spicer Row PD. Xethon later arrived to barricade the second location. Will this madness never end? Or is this a sign of the End Times?
May 17th, 2011 - In a stunning example of brave civic duty Rotten Ray recaptured The Carlyle Building, repairing and re-barricading the NT facility. The dream of an endless supply of syringes, once only the dream of crack addict's everywhere, can now be realized. Only minus the crack. Don't do drugs kids.
Update: Nope, lost Carlyle. Damn holligans.
May 16th, 2011 - Deathwire reported, "Here's an odd trend. Almost everything in Dulston and Rhodenbank, including all the resource buildings, are empty or only filled with dead bodies. No zombies are standing inside them, only outside." Of course this report was later refuted by Healer computer2slow whose recon proved there were zombies inside most of Dulston's NT buildings and hospitals. Oh well, a man can dream.
May 13th, 2011 - D.I.T.P.S recon reported today that all three of Dulston's hospitals have been overrun and ruined... by clowns. No, not really, but wouldn't that have been a nice change of pace? Nope, it was zombies and they don't abide by the D.I.T.P.S work attitude of "Relax guy, take a break", which may have worked surprising well for Saddam Hussein, but the zombies aren't buyin' it.
May 8th, 2011 - Some of you may have heard, via this news post, that DarthKnight stated, "The map of Malton looks like it's communist, what with all this red." and Xethon added, "I hate it when the map looks like that." It should be clarified that the D.I.T.P.S has no issues with Communism or Communists (aka, Commies). We do however hate the color red. We think it may be due to childhood trauma...
May 4th, 2011 - Deathwire concocted a little plan he called Operation Repatriation. As this news is posted weeks after the fact we feel that no tactical plans have been compromised by revealing all the details here. Or whatever. Deathwire's plan involved using zombie team members, because we have so many right now, to ZK hostiles inside a target building. Then the D.I.T.P.S would send in a living member to reset the building's repair cost. While this wouldn't secure Dulston for us unless we have the numbers to hold the buildings it would, however, make it easier to retake the suburb when we're ready. Deathwire's initial target was The Whitlock Building which only had one zombie inside with 6 HP. Rotten Ray later reviewed the plan and replied, "I like this plan. Insanity, desperation... plus a hint of sadness. Like a drunk who's lost a bet. It's what the D.I.T.P.S is all about."
When asked to comment about their first target, the Whitlock Building, Deathwire responded, "Well the zombie inside now only has three health. It's also the only one there. Someone stop being dead, grab a bottle of whiskey, and take back that damn building!"
May 2nd, 2011 - Keeping true to his word, Deathwire swooped down on the historic strongholds of the D.I.T.P.S like an avenging angel and restored balance to the Force. Or more accurately, he reported, "Both Anne General and St. Anacletus have been cleared. I want you people to run in there to repair them, even if it kills you. I want those repair costs reset! I want statues to adorn the entire suburb." Obeying their noble leader, Healer computer2slow repaired Anne General Hospital (-65 AP) and Rotten Ray repaired St. Anacletus's Hospital (-77 AP). How's that for dedication to duty?
April 30th, 2011 - Deathwire issued the following statement today: "Don't shoot Riot17. Do shoot the rest of the BCH. Deathwire is going to start actively fighting them." This was met with general approval from other members of the D.I.T.P.S; "I now have reason to live." Xethon was quoted as saying.
April 20th, 2011 - Following our long-standing policy, the D.I.T.P.S let The Big Prick come in and do all the heavy lifting. As such, these nice fellows restored Anne General Hospital and several other key resources buildings around Dulston. Xethon spent 52 AP to restore The Much Arms, because... well, free beer.
Of course it's not all about the free beer, as Healer computer2slow reported, "Got revived by a Big Prick-er, then healed him since he was only at 20 health. Then I revived another Big Prick-er at Duport."
April 16th, 2011 - Xethon performed recon duties and reported that Anne General Hospital and St. Anacletus's Hospital both have repair costs of ~69. Blaise General Hospital, on the other hand, has a repair cost of only 4.
April 6th, 2011 - The following was a casual exchange between fellow D.I.T.P.S colleagues on duty:
Xethon: "Soooo... Like no one has anything to report?"
Xethon: "Want a revive?"
Deathwire: "What? And leave my Wasteland defenceless? Are you mad?!?"
March 26th, 2011 - Deathwire reported that, while simply minding his own zombie business, he was combat revived. This ended Deathwire's latest attempt to get the Big Coffin Hunters to become more pro-survivor by getting them to kill him... or specifically, to kill a zombie.
This event was followed by another shocking turn of events for Deathwire:
#Built My Gun5 extracted a DNA sample from you. (18 hours and 29 minutes ago) #Built My Gun5 said "Long live DITPS!" (18 hours and 27 minutes ago) #Built My Gun5 revivified you with a NecroTech syringe. (18 hours and 27 minutes ago)
To which Deathwire responded, "It's about damn time the proletariat learned to support the educated class."
March 23rd, 2011 - The D.I.T.P.S formally challenged the Big Coffin Hunters to a pie eating contest (sent via mail), in an effort to set things back on track with the D.I.T.P.S's "winning" philosophy. So intimidated were the BCH that they never even bothered to show up at the designated contest location. This led to a hand-down victory for the D.I.T.P.S! The score stands at: D.I.T.P.S 1, BCH 0.
March 22nd, 2011 - Long-time group of people who never hated the D.I.T.P.S, the Burchell Arms Regulars, signed a truce with the people who do hate us, the Big Coffin Hunters. Has the world gone mad? This is without a doubt a precursor to the apocalypse Deathwire keeps preaching about, and worse, now that this has happened he'll actually believe he's been right all along and really get all riled up. Way to go BAR...
March 18th, 2011 - After a recent transfusion of tiger's blood, members of the D.I.T.P.S have started winning! Where previously
March 16th, 2011 - Recently, while reviewing the origins of the D.I.T.P.S a shocking discovery was made. The discovery involved this excerpt from the D.I.T.P.S group background which read: Deathwire, a former physicist, and Flyte, a medic, came to Malton as part of a wider government plan to provide medical services in the form of leadership and training, but soon found themselves taking on the role of entrenched medical officers. This would mean that Deathwire has a Ph.D in physics, not medicine. Which in retrospect, is hardly shocking news.
When questioned about this revelation Deathwire replied: "Former physicist? They revoked my license!? Again!? I swear, you make one, or a few dozen, threatening phone call(s) to your department head and you're suddenly 'unlicensed' or 'The university your degree comes from doesn't exist'. This was all vital for the groundbreaking research I performed in the new field of Theoretical Interior Decorating... Physics... damn it!"
March 14th, 2011 - Healer computer2slow had this to report: "[I would revive you, but] I've been PKed again by a member of the non-PKing group, the BCH. Funny how they have PKed me more then all other PKer groups combined."
On further discussion it was agreed that the word "funny", and also the word "surprising", do not come up in relation to this topic.
March 10th, 2011 - Major Azzhole invited staff here at the D.I.T.P.S to join the Superheroes, a band of Dulston Alliance operatives with big dreams and lots of heart. He also offered us free pizza and tacos. Some members have accepted his generously delicious offer and are now working jointly in this new rag-tag team.
March 9th, 2011 - Arg! Rotten Ray reported that he was viciously devoured by a bunch of hussies! Wait... what exactly is a hussy anyway...? <Checking...> The Free Dictionary website defines it as: A woman considered brazen or immoral. Thank you magic internet! Anyway, yes, Ray died.
March 8th, 2011 - The D.I.T.P.S have been working in and around Pescodside in an effort to recapture safehouses, heal injured survivors, and generally work towards the greater good. Altruism aside, the goal is for the D.I.T.P.S to look so awesome that efforts to kill them by another group will "demonize" said group in the eyes of our adoring public. Also said group is 99% comprised of jerks. We allow for a 1% margin of error.
March 5th, 2011 - Good news everybody, the D.I.T.P.S has joined in joint efforts with the Dulston Alliance and several other nomadic survivor groups to retake the northeast. While this plan of action flies in the face of our latest D.I.T.P.S motto: "Self-preservation above all else", we have felt the winsome urge to be able to work inside our hospitals without the annoyance of zombies breaking in, killing us, and potentially stealing our pirate gold. As such, zombies beware, the D.I.T.P.S are doing some work!
March 1st, 2011 - And there you have it. The end of Zombie Hunting Season and the results are further proof that we are major zombie ass-kickers. Yes, that's right. The news of the D.I.T.P.S being a zombie group was in fact an elaborate ruse, meant to confuse the zombies and anyone else without two brain cells to rub together. You know who you are. As for us, Xethon has come out on top with the much-coveted Zombie Slayer trophy! Not only that, but Xethon also won the Master of the Hunt trophy, while Rotten Ray won the Liberator trophy and shared the honour of winning the We Are Legion trophy with Yonnua (DvB). All in all a very good haul.
February 25th, 2011 - It sure is cold outside. And that's the news for today!
February 18th, 2011 - It's been two weeks since the opening of Zombie Hunting Season, and it's clear to us that the D.I.T.P.S is the winning horse in this race. The top two spots on the scoreboard are owned by Rotten Ray and Xethon, both of whom are from our Security Team (and it shows). In a personal upset, Ray has been bumped to 2nd place by Xethon recently, but this race is still neck-and-neck, for us, no other group is close to winning this race. Only us.
February 17th, 2011 - Bad news. Blaise General Hospital has finally been overrun by zombies. Worse news. We failed to locate the pirate gold buried under the hospital. Even now our spies inform us the zombies inside the hospital are milling around in the main lobby, no doubt plotting ways to locate the gold for themselves. This is turning out just like that dream I had; only this time I'm fully dressed.
February 11th, 2011 - The first week of Zombie Hunting Season is over and the D.I.T.P.S have been true to their word, having dominated the competition. In 1st place on the scoreboard, with a clear lead, is none other than our own intrepid Security Chief, Rotten Ray. Unfortunately now that Ray is under the spotlight many people are wondering about his fashion sense, or lack thereof. A torn and blood-soaked black fedora? Come on Ray! That's a serious fashion faux pas.
February 7th, 2011 - After almost a week of prosperity the mighty bastion of hope, Anne General Hospital, has been overrun by zombies. This is not a failing on the part of the D.I.T.P.S, as the hospital wouldn't have lasted a day without our superb defence tactics (i.e. stacking junk on other junk to keep zombies out) learned from the years spent mastering Tetris. However the hospital has fallen.
February 4th, 2011 - Ye Gods! Today's the opening of Zombie Hunting Season and in an effort to confuse our enemies we have decide to compete... effectively. No doubt many of our enemies, aware of how imposing our skillz (yes, with a "z") are when we are barely even trying, will now face the full wrath of a dedicated D.I.T.P.S. We expect slim pickings in the days to come as most zombies flee Dulston.
February 1st, 2011 - "Somebody has spraypainted DITPS are hard bastards onto a wall." on Anne General Hospital. We gave this some thought and agree this statement works on many levels. It will remain there as proof we have street cred.
January 25th, 2011 - When asked whether he wanted to be revived, Deathwire responded: "No. The D.I.T.P.S are a zombie group, after all. I'm just not bothered to change our UD Wiki classification." So to all you zombie groups out there griefing us, why you doin' that, we all on the same side. Can ya dig it?
In other news, rogue elements of the D.I.T.P.S zombie group are still gearing up for Zombie Hunting Season '11, in clear defiance of our illustrious leader's proclamation (clarification?) that we are in fact a zombie group that just happens to be pro-survivor, anti-zombie, and mostly comprised of living survivors instead of zombies. No worries, we're sure everyone will get with the program sooner or later. Until then, all other zombies should just cut us some slack and be unconcerned with us shooting them.
P.S. The gold in Blaise General Hospital is ours, so step off!
January 23rd, 2011 - The D.I.T.P.S would like to report that, as of yet, we have no uncovered the pirate gold hidden under Blaise General Hospital. On a side note, we have managed to keep the zombies from overrunning the hospital. It's obvious they know about the gold. Damn thieving zombies! Get your own gold!
January 21st, 2011 - In a thrilling and sudden turn of events Xethon referred to the illustrious leader of the D.I.T.P.S as 'deadwire'. Deathwire responded with a stinging rebuke and a demotion. Xethon was reported to have cried.
In other news, the D.I.T.P.S continue to hold Blaise General Hospital in the face of several determined zombie attackers. Exactly how long will we hold out is anyone's guess. However, we plan to stay at Blaise until we've proven, once and for all, that there's hidden pirate gold buried under the hospital. To anyone who doubts our logic we have only to point to the giant X on the roof's helipad. Where did it come from? There's only one logical conclusion: PIRATES!
January 20th, 2011 - Still enflamed from yesterday's press release Deathwire was more than willing to continue his
And there you have it! Irrefutable proof that the D.I.T.P.S will maybe-probably be participating in Zombie Hunting Season '11.
January 19th, 2011 - We learned today that Zombie Hunting Season '11 was fast approaching and the D.I.T.P.S would once again shine. In fact we are so confident that Deathwire issued the following press release: "Didn't we show everyone that despite their best efforts the D.I.T.P.S was an unstoppable killing machine only defeated due to our late entrance in the competition? I mean, fine, sure, if someone from the D.I.T.P.S wants to enter then so be it, but Deathwire worked damn hard for these laurels and you can be sure he's going to rest on them. Unless, of course, the Dulston Alliance announcement implies the D.I.T.P.S has a chance at losing. I mean, why else hold a competition when the D.I.T.P.S can just march in and own it? Those bastards think they're clever, mocking Deathwire, do they? Do they!? Well f**k them, Deathwire is going to clean house!"
January 13th, 2011 - The D.I.T.P.S take full blame for the following news; 25.96 MHz: "... maybe fifty in Dulston ... they're just wandering around ... can't see any signs of life ... it's a wasteland down there ... Treweeke Mall is down ...". It was Chase Gilligan's birthday and I guess we all go carried away. In the future the D.I.T.P.S intends to enforce a stricter 'no alcohol' policy during parties.
January 9th, 2011 - In the news today it was reported that dutiful members of the D.I.T.P.S had reclaimed and re-barricaded the Bridgman Building. However the report of these events was a bit odd...:
Deathwire: "Bridgman is strangely clear and ready to be reclaimed."
Rotten Ray: "Bridgman is strangely 'caded and waiting to be powered."
Caleb Usher: "Wha-? Strangely barricaded? Do you mean 'strangely barricaded', as in, it's strange it's been barricaded? Or 'strangely barricaded', as in, it's been barricaded with something strange... like frozen poodles?"
Jackspear9: "Yes. I replaced all the useless furniture with frozen poodles as everyone knows that cryo-canines make for excellent blockades."
January 3rd, 2011 - Today Deathwire was informed by SHIN0BI that the Bi-Curious Hooligans (BCH) would no longer be hunting him because Deathwire never actually killed members of the BCH. This is very true, as Deathwire prefers to instead complain about the people who kill him. If he ever got revenge on his murderers then what would he have to complain about? The weather? Not bloody likely. No, if Deathwire had nothing to complain about then he wouldn't be Deathwire at all. Of course, in classic BCH style, this proclamation only lasted a few hours before Riot17 appeared, declared his love of vulgarity, and murdered Deathwire. So in the end it was back to the status quo.
In other news, Jackspear9 of the D.I.T.P.S Security Team provided the following grim situation report: "I'm surrounded in Roadnight Towers with I LUV, ContestShipper, and some other non-D.I.T.P.S survivors. I think this will be our last stand here. There's nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. Gonna fight to the death and beyond. Let's give 'em Hell before we give them Roadnight!"
We would like to wish all the D.I.T.P.S staff members trapped inside the doomed Roadnight Towers (to later be renamed 'Deathtrap Towers') the best of luck. We're sure everything will work out for the best. Probably.
January 1st, 2011 - And a new year dawns for the D.I.T.P.S here in Malton. We're sure Deathwire would have provided an inspiring quote, but he's still sleeping off last night's New Year's Eve party... so instead remember the inspirational words someone else once said and then imagine Deathwire said it instead. That works.
December 25th, 2010 - Merry Christmas! We here at the D.I.T.P.S would like to wish everyone seasons greetings! Well, maybe not everyone. Zombies in general have completely ignored all our efforts to exchange gifts, opting instead to eat the brains of our dedicated staff. For shame! It goes without saying that we need our brains to do our jobs. Also criminals are still douchebags, no surprises there. Even so, we're confident that the good survivors still outnumbers the bad, plus the zombies, here in the northeast.
December 23rd, 2010 - The following was an internal forum memo, re-posted here for laughs, from Deathwire to his staff. The topic? The reasoning behind the motivational factors working inside the D.I.T.P.S. To quote the man himself, "The D.I.T.P.S can only act productively when it is to show someone else up. If there is any reason for the D.I.T.P.S to feel the need to flex its muscular and very powerful muscles, it will. Generally speaking, though, everyone acknowledges that the D.I.T.P.S is an unstoppable killing machine when properly agitated and ergo we are never roused from our slumber. I like this way of working because some days I don't even show up for work and nothing happens. Today, for example, golfing on the rooftops
And there you have it. This is the D.I.T.P.S in a nutshell. In this very way every hostile group, whether it's the Frustrated Females or the Bagel Crazy Hillbillies, they are but like children who continue to poke a slumbering bear with a stick. Sure, they can poke, poke, poke. But sooner or later that bear will awaken, yawn, go take a leak in the bathroom, and then come back to maul them. I drew a picture of the whole thing, as I saw it in my mind's eye, but then I lost it. Actually I think someone stole it, but the police won't listen and never return my calls. I plan to eat lunch soon instead and complain about the whole ordeal on some random forum. Are you still reading this? God. Go read a book.
December 21st, 2010 - Today marks the birthday of the D.I.T.P.S de facto leader, Deathwire. He would like all staff and admirers to know that his birthday presents should be delivered to Anne General Hospital and hidden inside the *wink* *wink* for safety. After all, no zombie could ever get into a *wink* *wink*. After that there will be a party held at the *nudge* *nudge* *wink* *wink*. You know where. Yup. It goes without saying that zombies are not invited.
December 17th, 2010 - DarthKnight sent out this email to every on staff, which made us chuckle as we all knew to which group he was referring: "Sitting in Rhodenbank. This place is a mess. That's what happens when women aren't in the kitchen..."
December 13th, 2010 - The D.I.T.P.S would just like to say that while we're sure Healer computer2slow appreciated the company, he was not so lonely that he wanted the company of zombies. So to the 5 Angry Vaginas zombies who broke into Anne General Hospital and started biting our staff to death, that was a major Christmas season faux pas. We had a bowl of eggnogg if you had bothered to ask.
December 9th, 2010 - The honorable D.I.T.P.S was made aware that in recent days the insideous Big Coffin Hunters requested that the noble Burchell Arms Regulars break their treaty with the awesome Dulston Alliance (also known to some as the "Awesome Alliance"). The classy BAR turned down the suggestion. In fact, the boisterous BAR indicated that as allies of the grooving Dulston Alliance they would have hunted members of the malodorous BCH ages ago, except for the fact that the heroic Dulston Alliance never requested assistance in the matter. In regards to this comment the dazzling D.I.T.P.S responded by stating they did not require any assistance as they viewed the jive-turkey BCH as more of a nuisance than a threat.
In other news, it's "Fun with Adverbs Day"!
December 6th, 2010 - Just a friendly notice, radama isn't actually with the D.I.T.P.S. In fact, we're pretty sure he's just trying to besmirch our good name. Then again, his claim to membership has raised our rank on UD Stats, which is good. But then again, he's probably going to be eating people, which is bad. So yeah, be careful around him is what we're basically saying.
Deathwire had this to add: "The D.I.T.P.S has been a target for a lot of organizations in the past. Whether that's because we're so amazing that nobody worth mentioning can resist impersonating us or because the D.I.T.P.S has a leader with no diplomatic skills is up to interpretation."
November 29th, 2010 - When asked whether the barricades at Anne General Hospital should be lowered to VS++, Deathwire responded: "Don't do it. At least not yet. Least we be lulled into a false sense of security like Ackbar."
November 28th, 2010 - Hello boys and girls! Today it's time for another official Q&A session with none other than the one and only, Deathwire. Today's question is one that was randomly selected from the D.I.T.P.S forum.
Deathwire: "The BCH is a griefing group established primarily by disgruntled former PANTHER members. Now it has fleshed out a bit, but remains a griefing group that still targets the Dulston Alliance and only the Dulston Alliance. Why, you may ask? Because that is how society works. The uneducated proletariat rabblerouse against the establishment because we're attempting to establish some semblance of order, and to some people 'order' equals 'authority', and so we're the bad guys. Does it matter to them that our Security Branch is comprised of only four guys and a coffee table? Not one bit. Look at their other targets. They like to pick on those who don't actually fight PKers. Ultimately, the BCH are the worst kind of PKer group; they grief those who can't or won't fight back hard. That's why they try to play nice with the BAR; they know the BAR can and would fight back rather successfully against them. I'm also pretty sure the BCH all have fragile egos and blah-blah-blah, psychology stuff.
"There will always be problems. People can be jackasses, morons, or both. We've dealt with worse individuals, so we'll be fine. After all, we have statues."
If you've read all of this then you're probably wondering how this answers Healer computer2slow's question. The trick here is, it actually doesn't. You see, Deathwire is under no obligation to answer questions properly, he just provides answers to questions.
November 26th, 2010 - A recent spray at St. Anacletus's Hospital came to Deathwire's attention, namely: 'Somebody has spraypainted cades @VSB++ unless 5+ outside - no Deathwires pls onto a wall.', to which DarthKnight added, "Hide the booze and the womenz! He found out the sekrits!". This reporter is more concerned for the fact that the author indicated with his pluralisation that there were in fact more than one Deathwire... a troubling turn of events no matter how you look at it.
November 23rd, 2010 - For any survivors looking for medical supplies, or dubious shelter (this is a TRP after all), drop on by Blaise General Hospital which has remained open for business for 8 days straight now. Sure some zombies showed up to cause trouble, but we've so far managed to keep them outside.
November 18th, 2010 - Every once in a while we here at the D.I.T.P.S like to do our part by educating the public on the various things you should never do while up in Northeast Malton. Today's public service announcement is a reminder that, no matter what the reason, NEVER kill Shotgun Ed. I mean, he's pro-survivor and generally a nice guy to have covering your back in a fight, but man-oh-man, if you ever make the mistake of killing him... well, for example: this is what can happen, even months down the road. And this has been happening for the past three days we're told and may continue for some time. Remember kids, Shotgun Ed is relentless.
November 16th, 2010 - This totally happened. Well, in retrospect, it's not really that hard to believe.
Caleb Usher: "Tell him he's crazy! No one would give him a bank loan."
Healer computer2slow: "I put the pens all away. Why would a person need to take every single pen?"
Deathwire: "How else is Deathwire going to pen his memoirs?"
November 15th, 2010 - By the astounding grace and skill that is the D.I.T.P.S, Blaise General Hospital was recaptured, repaired, and is open for business. The D.I.T.P.S encourage all their staff to restock on FAKs while the building's still powered.
November 13th, 2010 - Rotten Ray new hat finally became 'blood-flecked'. He was not pleased, not pleased at all.
November 12th, 2010 - To be completely honest I have no idea what the following dialog exchange has to do with "news", but I still found it entertaining...
Rotten Ray: *Raises fist into the air* "XETHON!!!"
November 10th, 2010 - Glorious day! Rotten Ray reported that it has been eleven days since he first acquired his new hat and it is still in mint condition. What? It's a slow news day.
November 7th, 2010 - Like a house of cards, Blaise General Hospital, has fallen. The D.I.T.P.S would like to report that the perpetrators of this incident were zombies. Which, now that we think about it, isn't that always the case? You just can't have nice things with zombies around. To spite the zombies Anne General Hospital was recaptured and barricaded.
November 6th, 2010 - Rotten Ray, Jesse Biesecker and Xethon, aka "The Leader of Spiders", continued to maintain the barricades at Blaise General Hospital. There was one breach, which resulted in injuries, but the zombie was ejected and the barricades restored. Ray was the hero of the day, or as Jesse put it, "Counting revives, I've lost track of the times Ray has saved me. He's like some kind of gun-wielding guardian angel with a nice hat. The best kind."
Update: Healer computer2slow dropped by to repair the hospital's barricades. How very nice of him.
November 5th, 2010 - Rotten Ray continued to report in from Blaise General Hospital. At the time survivor numbers are low, but the barricades are secure. However there are 5 zombies outside, where they belong mind you, but still they seem to be keen on getting inside, where they do not belong. Rotten Ray also reported he has continued his effort to repair and barricade nearby buildings.
November 2nd, 2010 - Rotten Ray reported he single-handedly recaptured Blaise General Hospital, revived a fellow D.I.T.P.S member, and did it all without any harm coming to his new hat. That's technically 3 for 3, for anyone keeping count.
October 31st, 2010 - The D.I.T.P.S wishes everyone a Happy Halloween. Well, except zombies, because everyone knows zombies are so last year.
October 30th, 2010 - Rotten Ray has a new hat. I know, I know. Not very newsworthy. But if you knew how important hats are to the guy you would report it too. Already fellow D.I.T.P.S staffers are betting on how long it will take before it's ruined.
October 16th, 2010 - Rotten Ray took a moment from his busy schedule to talk about the inhabitability of Dulston's many ruined buildings. He replied, "Habitable buildings? The new lean mean D.I.T.P.S sleeps in ruined slummy buildings and we like it! Only wimps sleep safely inside unruined, powered and barricaded buildings."
[rant continues on a bit]
"...and another thing about Deathwire's mismanagement of the trebuchet maintenance schedule...wait...where did everybody go?"
Jackspear9 *suddenly wakes up* "Oh man. I just had a nightmare where this creepy dude was complaining for eternity! Wait a second..."
Xethon: "OH MY GOD! I THINK I HAD THE SAME FREAKING NIGHTMARE!"
October 4th, 2010 - Robicus, Captain of the D.I.T.P.S Field Team, made a grand appearance today, after not having bothered to show up for work in months. He met his fellow D.I.T.P.S staffers with the traditional call of "Hizzle?". When asked what the Field Team does, Robicus responded with, "Mostly, we get all the girls."
Deathwire responded with: "You must not keep up with regional affairs then. We are so overrun with women that they're literally killing us."
September 26th, 2010 - In a change of pace, here is some actual news. Zombies have breached the northwest corner of Treweeke Mall. At the time of this report there are 16 zombies inside.
September 24th, 2010 - When members of the D.I.T.P.S recently inquired whether they should gather together to defend the newly recovered Anne General Hospital against an inevitable 'coordinated' (insert sarcasm) attack from the Angry Vags Deathwire responded, "Of course. The D.I.T.P.S has a proud tradition of getting everyone inside Anne General killed. At least we do according to the PANTHER documents."
September 18th, 2010 - Healer computer2slow: "Revived Mr Wire and Jack. If you didn't want it, too bad."
And hence our new motto: The D.I.T.P.S - Reviving you, whether you wanted it or not.
September 16th, 2010 - While ZKing is perfectly fine, always remember that standing around inside buildings while a zombie isn't encouraged, for various reason, but most clearly explained by Rotten Ray: "Ya know guys - I'm looking at you Chase and Jack - it's kinda hard to reclaim our headquarters when 2 extra zombies (D.I.T.P.S zombies at that!) are hanging around inside making it impossible to repair or barricade. The least you could do is claw the hell outta that other unidentified zombie and then step outside..."
August 27th, 2010 - The following is a true story. If you don't believe me then stop reading these news posts because seriously they're all from me and this is about the maximum level of 'truth' you're ever going to witness here. You have been warned.
DarthKnight: "I'll save up AP and start taking the buildings around you, if Deathwire can clear them for me."
Deathwire: "More like if Deathwire can find any more zombies to kill. Zombie Deathwire is a zombie-eating machine. Oh, and there are five outside Trood. Could be the reason your barricades keep falling. That, or maybe your shoddy craftsmanship. In fact, I'm sure it is your shoddy craftsmanship. Demoted to in posse Carpenter."
August 23rd, 2010 - Hello boys and girls! Today it's time for another official Q&A session with none other than the one and only, Deathwire. Today's question is one that was randomly selected from the D.I.T.P.S forum.
Elle Atkins: "What's the D.I.T.P.S policy on ZKing?"
Deathwire: "It's fun and effective. I'm ZKing the zombies inside Whitlock even as we speak. So, revive me and you're fired..."
Rotten Ray: "So very tempting."
Deathwire: "...out of the trebuchet."
August 14th, 2010 - The D.I.T.P.S Tip of the Day answers the burning question, 'How do you efficiently gain experience at low levels'?
Jackspear9: "Yeah, get FAKs, hit someone once with whatever is least likely to miss, then heal them."
Rotten Ray: "That was in the good ol' days when everyone was always fully healed and the buildings were all caded and in good repair. You don't need to look far to find somebody wounded these days!"
Jackspear9: "Back when I was still on the medical team I kept chopping peoples fingers off, then sowing them back on, only to chop them off again. Ahh... good practice..."
Elle Atkins: "Practice or sadism?"
Of course we don't judge how you earned your medical degree here at the D.I.T.P.S, just so long as you know what end the thermometer goes in.
August 13th, 2010 - Hello boys and girls! Today it's time for another official Q&A session with none other than heir apparent to the throne of all things D.I.T.P.S, Deathwire. Today's question is one that was randomly selected from the D.I.T.P.S forum.
Xethon: "Are all the hospitals in Dulston maintained by the DITPS or is it just Anne?"
Deathwire: "Anne General Hospital and St. Anacletus's Hospital are D.I.T.P.S operated hospitals. Depending on who you ask, we either officially operate Blaise General Hospital or we just throw our castaway members there and hope they don't find their way home. Previously, we were authoritarian douchebags who cared more about killing everyone inside the hospital and hindering the plans of our saviours, PANTHER, than actually operating the hospitals we claimed. Then their group broke up because the previous sentence is the sort of thing their leader seemed to earnestly believe. Then they all became murderers and/or ran away, and we went back to maintaining our monopoly over medical care in Dulston. This has become a major part of D.I.T.P.S history that we like to look back at and laugh about. Not that we didn't laugh at it when it was happening. You have to maintain a positive outlook on life. Long story short, yes, we man every hospital in Dulston."
August 9th, 2010 - In need of medical assistance? The D.I.T.P.S will be there to sort things out. As handily illustrated in the following radio chatter (read: forum posts) that took place between jackspear9 and Rotten Ray:
Jackspear9: "Dead outside the bank with Xethon. What's the nearest revive point?"
Rotten Ray: "Clewett NT is up in Pescodside - I have 5 syringes and will have full AP tomorrow to get you dead boys 'n' girls up on your feet. Be waiting in Willett Square tomorrow morning and I'll pop out and plug you."
Rotten Ray: (Later) "Nobody's there..."
Rotten Ray: "Got ya."
Jackspear9: "Came all the way to see me? I'm flattered. Haha, I was just about to move to you when I realized you had already revived me."
Proving once again that if the D.I.T.P.S can find you, you will be revived. If we can find you... seriously, was I supposed to take a left or a right on Batten Drive? Nuts.
August 6th, 2010 - The weekly recap of events was summarized as follows:
DarthKnight: "The situation in Dulston is dire now, and to think we were having so much progress a week ago."
Deathwire: "That ended when we all huddled up in Anne General to help me shred potentially incriminating documents."
Xethon: "Only one Zed in Anne right now. I killed two. It only only 30 or so HP left..."
DarthKnight: "You're a liar. It has 4 HP now."
Xethon: "Repairing Anne may have cost me my life cuz now I have -14 AP and there are no cades. So as soon as I die I'll go to Gilles Park."
DarthKnight: "You make my life difficult boy! I repaired the hospital to VSB before running out of AP. I won't let you die. Deathwire will love us for taking back his home."
July 28th, 2010 - The D.I.T.P.S recaptured Blaise General Hospital, which isn't surprising in and of itself, as we recapture buildings all the time. The difference here is that when a small mob of zombies broke in afterwards and tried to kill everyone, we actually repelled their attack. It was a real surprise for all of us, zombies included.
July 18th, 2010 - A member of the D.I.T.P.S Security Team, xethon, gave the following calm and rational report, "I JUST KILLED BOTH OF THE ZEDS IN ANNE AND REPAIRED IT... I have no AP so can someone get in here and barricade?????"
As head of the Security Team, Rotten Ray was quick to respond: "Wha? When did the slackassing stop? You mean we're actually motivated to do things now? Okay, I'm there and it's EHB."
July 14th, 2010 - In late breaking news the forum's chat box, or Cbox, was removed due to abuse of its 'Type whatever you want' policy. When asked for a comment one D.I.T.P.S member, Chase Gilligan, had this to say: "No more Cbox? I think this is the biggest news since Flyte left..." Which proves once again the D.I.T.P.S forums is not the place for thrilling news stories.
When discussion over the reasons behind why Cbox was removed reached record numbers (2 members) Deathwire stepped in to provide an official statement: "The notorious and potentially dangerous comment that led to the removal of the chat box was not fabricated by Deathwire to give some reason for its removal, aside from the inevitable budget cuts. It was a very real thing and was armed with communism and FOXHOUNDism. And terrorism. Or simply, Communist FOXHOUND Terrorism."
July 10th, 2010 - Rotten Ray proved that the D.I.T.P.S are working hard to maintain positive public relations when he attended the annual Biertag event. His report is as follows: "Biertag? Oh, it was awesome, of course! Never have I drunk so much while zeds were present without me getting chomped on. There were 7-8 Angry Vags present who actually respected the truce inside St. Arnold's! How's that for weird? Some of our Dulston Alliance allies were actually making out with them, which I thought I was weird and twisted. Hopefully somebody posts some screencaps, since I was too drunk to bother snapping any..."
July 6th, 2010 - Local D.I.T.P.S man of mystery, jackspear9, reported his current situation, which we won't re-post here in any detail because it was so full of confidential information and secret tactics that the redacted version would only be comprised primarily of exclamation marks as the only visible characters. However he ended his communication to Ray with the query, "Where ARE you hiding? :|"
In response Rotten Ray provided the ominous response, "Look behind you."
July 3rd, 2010 - Requests went out early this morning inquiring where the illustrious sub-leader of the D.I.T.P.S, Deathwire, was holding out. While initially confused on this fact, having been hit in the head a few times earlier no doubt, he simply stated: "Alive and sharing my newly formed 'Rich Guy' Hospital with some jerk."
To which Rotten Ray explained: "<censored> Bank. We're in <censored> Bank. When Deathwire called someone a jerk who else do you think he meant?"
One cannot help but notice that a Bank makes for a poor Hospital, but we make do with what we have.
June 29th, 2010 - Rotten Ray had this to report. Could it be? Has the true leader of the D.I.T.P.S come back to us? Well, his corpse at least? Deathwire was quick to release an official statement, saying "I assure everyone that 'Flyte' is just a myth. Any sighting of him are simply a weather balloon. That is all."
Of course this only served to further fuel conspiracy theories as Ray responded with, "You told me that Flyte WILLINGLY stepped into that particle accelerator to save us all, Deathwire - that his last words were 'For the Greater Good, for the love of God all of you remaining follow Deathwire's plans for the D.I.T.P.S' - were these all lies?"
To which Deathwire answered, "No, you've misunderstood me. See, what happened is this; the Statues, in mourning of Flyte, dressed up as him and roamed the city as he did himself in his final days. This is why they are no longer in Anne General, you see. They wander around, masquerading as Flyte to honour his memory. This is why I told you he was a myth and a weather balloon; that particular Flyte was possibly a hallucination brought on by panic and lack of proper leadership. What you saw was likely a weather balloon that was deflated. After all, before we lost Anne General once again I was launching these weather balloons from the trebuchet. It had just occurred to me that they also look like Flyte when deflated and I am being threatened. In conclusion, if you see a 'Flyte' wandering around, smile and move on. The statues work hard to honour his memory and remind us all of what this man used to do; absolutely nothing."
If you read all this and are thinking, "What the hell is this...?", then welcome to the D.I.T.P.S!
June 28th, 2010 - A meeting was held during which Rotten Ray suggested two sets of plans, the first to barricade strafe Dulston and leave no visible targets for zombies to target members of the D.I.T.P.S, or to stay the course and EHB one of our hospitals until the zombies come to devour us. While both plans had their merits it was Deathwire who decided to think outside the box with his suggestion: "Failing both of those plans, the Dulston Alliance goes to the other side of the city. The Angry Female Genitalia will be attracted to our superb manliness and will flock over there after us. Then we quickly run back to Dulston and put a wall up around the suburb. Pretty sure zombies can't climb walls."
June 5th, 2010 - NEWS FLASH! A travel advisory warning has been issued for all D.I.T.P.S members. You are advised NOT to visit Pashenton. Or if you do visit Pashenton, DO NOT kill members of the Army Renegade Corps. In fact, killing Army Renegade Corps members is NOT a custom of Pashenton, as we were wrongfully informed. We really should have caught on to that one. As such, our bad.
June 4th, 2010 - Two votes were started over at the Dulston Alliance lodge to remove wanted fugitives Cap'tain "I EAT BABIES" Rhodes and Bruce "Awkward Silence" Gaylord from the Black List. As our illustrious leader, until Flyte returns to save us all, Deathwire voted on our group's behalf. He abstained. In fact, the D.I.T.P.S are notorious for abstaining to every vote thanks to our glorious temp leader. So much so that abstaining is referred to as "Deathwiring" over at the Alliance forum. It's a proud tradition. Did I say proud? I meant ironic.
June 2nd, 2010 - We here at the D.I.T.P.S are forward thinkers. We plan ahead. As such we have already come up with a solution should the Army Renegade Corps actually attack us. That's right, we're one step ahead of them. Our plan is simple, we will build a time machine, travel back in time and prevent PANTHER from ever being formed, which would cause the Army Renegade Corps, as an offshoot of PANTHER, to no longer exist. Simultaneously we will use lotto numbers collected while in the present to win lots and lots of money. In fact, screw PANTHER and the Army Renegade Corps, we'll just use time travel to become stinkin' rich.
June 1st, 2010 - Apparently the aggressive remnants of PANTHER are in Pashenton where they formed a new group called the Army Renegade Corps, and are saying something about how if the Dulston Alliance wants a war, then it will get a war. I don't know about the rest of you, but nobody over at the last Alliance Lodge meeting mentioned anything about "war" or "eating babies". In fact, I recall people saying they "did NOT want a war" and I added that we should "NOT eat babies". So that leaves us with the painfully obvious question, why has the Army Renegade Corps not also denied claims they are warmongers attempting to instigate a pointless war, or that they do not eat babies? Maybe that's because they don't want to be called liars. Damn baby eaters.
May 31st, 2010 - All the news for the past few days has been boring. It's just filled with barricade reports, zombie recon numbers, D.I.T.P.S member locations and so on. Who wants to report on that? Boring.
May 28th, 2010 - The D.I.T.P.S raised a formal protest over the new group membership colour assigned to us on the Dulston Alliance forum. The colour in question? Purple! And everyone in the Alliance knows we are more of a burnt orange! Of course this is besides the real point, with that point being it was our most hated rivals, FOXHOUND, who were behind our new colour assignment. We have therefore retaliated by sending a very stern letter to N00bert, the leader of FOXHOUND. No doubt even now he is reading our letter and literally stewing in the juices of his own frustrations, frustrations brought about by our careful worded letter filled with tactfully subtle barbs directed towards his "manhood". Bwahahaha! That's right N00bert, what will you do now?
May 24th, 2010 - Word has spread that Rotten Ray has been called out to defend the honor, I know strange, of the D.I.T.P.S! Where is he being called out? Well by the other bounty hunters over at the 2010 Hang 'Em High competition. As the duly selected D.I.T.P.S Security Captain, and past trophy holder... albeit shared, of the Northeast Marshal and Brothers-in-Arms trophies, Ray is well-known for his prowess in hunting criminals. In fact, we all recall the competition like the whole thing happened only yesterday. How Ottari swoooooooped in at the very last minute of the 2009 competition and snatched the coveted Northeast Marshal trophy right out of Rotten Ray's hands. Well, maybe not "out of", since they shared ended up sharing it. But still! When the new competition starts all trophies are returned and they are up for grabs again. The start date for the 2010 Hang 'Em High competition is still under wraps, but it could start within the next week or two. When asked for a comment Ray responded, "Aw CRAP. NOW??? This is happening NOW??? WTF!!".
May 22nd, 2010 - It's D.I.T.P.S Q&A time with Deathwire! We finally unlocked and opened the stuffed suggestion box over at Anne General Hospital, something that hasn't been done since it was first placed there in 2008! While Deathwire simply decided to ignore all the questions we covertly recorded random responses he did make and tried our best to apply them to the questions on hand. It's like reverse-answering, if such a concept existed and didn't make you sound all crazy in the head... anyway here we go:
Q: "What zombies are causing the most problems for the D.I.T.P.S? Why and how?"
Q: "Why do the Angry Female Genitalia want to kill you so badly?"
Q: "Why doesn't the D.I.T.P.S coordinate to reclaim their hospitals with better efficiency?"
May 17th, 2010 - PANTHER is gone. We hardly knew them, although what little we did know didn't really impress us, I mean, if we're being honest here. Still, they were a survivor group and they did make an effort in the end to extend, rather than beat us with, the olive branch of peace and friendship. With their disbandment our plans for jointly defeating the zombie hordes of Dulston have naturally suffered a setback. Don't even bother asking us for timelines now. We're also pretty sure this means no free ice-cream and pie. Well now I'm depressed.
May 15th, 2010 - The D.I.T.P.S issued the following statement: " Under no circumstances should it be assumed that we here at the D.I.T.P.S celebrated Caleb Usher's birthday. In fact, we don't even know who this Caleb Usher person is or how awesome a NecroTech scientist he may, or may not, be. Any evidence to the contrary will be denied. We here at the D.I.T.P.S will however state that cake is being served today at a secured location for undisclosed individuals celebrating a private function. That is all."
May 10th, 2010 - For all of you who wonder why D.I.T.P.S staff suffer at the hands of killers we would like to muse about the Greek myth of Asclepius. You see Asclepius was the son of Apollo and considered to be the god/father of medicine. How so you ask? Well for one thing he cured death. One telling of the myth has it that, for accomplishing this feat, Zeus struck down Asclepius with a lightning bolt lest Hades' underworld realm be bereft of new souls. And now ask yourselves this: Doesn't the D.I.T.P.S also defy death and restore the dead to life? So it all makes mythological sense.
May 1st, 2010 - This just in: Cheese Baconator is a jerk. But not just any jerk, a really big jerk. We hope he reads this and it makes him re-evaluate his priorities in life. We also hope he realizes that whenever he kills a member of the D.I.T.P.S a puppy, or kitten, cries. That's right. Help stop the needless mental distress of cute baby animals by executing Cheese Bacinator on sight before he can unleash his anti-D.I.T.P.S agenda, which may or may not involve actual cheese and/or bacon. That is all.
April 29th, 2010 - Recently Sophie Choice of PANTHER dropped by to chat with D.I.T.P.S staff. As talking is one of the things we do best we were in our element, advantage D.I.T.P.S. However, rather than drop by to yell at us, as most past conversations with PANTHER have turned out, it would appear PANTHER wants to bury the hatchet. Also, unlike earlier estimates, it would appear they don't want to bury the hatchet in our skulls. We heartily agree with this because axes don't go there, as any good doctor will tell you. Where will this all lead? Maybe a D.I.T.P.S-PANTHER alliance to destroy all zombies in Dulston? Free pie and ice-cream? Why can't we have both? Stay tuned because regardless of what happens we're sure it will be interesting.
April 28th, 2010 - Deathwire entered a short story contest hosted by the well-known survivor, Rosslessness. As he had no short stories he instead provided Rosslessness with an excerpt from his self-biography, Memoirs of a Great Man Who Was Like Han Solo, Batman, & Neo Combined.
...Deathwire busted through the door of the sculpture museum. There was no time to waste. A zombie horde of fifteen thousand would arrive at the museum at any second. Deathwire ran from corridor to corridor, gently placing the sculptures onto his massive, manly shoulders.
The building was falling around him. Zombies were destroying the structure from the outside, bent on destroying the last piece of culture Dulston had. Deathwire was sure that he could escape with every sculpture. The door that he had foolishly busted down, however, disagreed.
Zombies poured into the museum. Deathwire fought heroically, but alas, could not win. With his dying breathe he cursed them to a fiery doom. In this final moment the sculptures came to life and, being superior beings, destroyed the zombies.
“Your sacrifice was not in vain,” the sculptures assured the dying hero. “We will save Dulston from its lack of culture.”...
At the end of the contest Deathwire was awarded with the "best title" award, as few books ever written had such an awe-inspiring title.
April 26th, 2010 - Deathwire, the D.I.T.P.S Anne General Hospital Chief of Staff, had this to report, "In an unprecedented act, I helped. I stabbed to death the zombie guarding Parrott Towers and then repaired it. While I am unsure of my current status, my amazing actions have shown that the power of a wisp is so great that if I were to act all the time then the zombies would simply have no chance."
April 23rd, 2010 - Anne General Hospital and St. Anacletus's Hospital are both having serious zombies problems today. This may have been provoked by D.I.T.P.S staff who commonly urinate on the zombies from the upper floor windows, but this cannot be confirmed since for all we know zombies love urine. Reagrdless they have taken to eating D.I.T.P.S staff members first, so all active members are advised to be cautious while milling around in the main lobby. Whatever the case may be, never fear, we here at the D.I.T.P.S and confident that PANTHER will appear soon and save the day. Or at least recapture Anne General Hospital, which by their own words they claim to own. If they don't save Anne General then PANTHER will have revealed its true ineffectiveness, one which perhaps rivals (but could never in their wildest dreams surpass) our own. In all fairness that's a WIN for the D.I.T.P.S propaganda machine. If they do save Anne General then they have a right to brag, but in all fairness we can't see a reason why we wouldn't want PANTHER to do all the heavy lifting. And by "heavy" we mean "zombie" and by "lifting" we actually mean "killing". So that's also a WIN for the D.I.T.P.S.
April 17th, 2010 - Good news Comrades! The D.I.T.P.S has been ranked as a Five on the PANTHER Group Ranking in the field of Propaganda. This is a great day for all the D.I.T.P.S now that our contribution to journalism has finally been realized by those who live among us. I would like to take this time to thank everyone who made this possible, so I shall. Thank you, Deathwire, for your endless pursuit of the truth. You are an inspiration for all Dulston residents.
Unfortunately, we are not alone in our rank of Five in the field of Propaganda. FOXHOUND has tied with us for first place. Their lies and slander against Deathwire is hardly a match for the quality propaganda we of the D.I.T.P.S insert into your minds with every news update, but I assume quantity has its own quality. Keep on telling nothing but the truth for the Greater Good, my fellow members of the D.I.T.P.S! And as for the reader, keep on reading! It is you who got us to number one. We thank you (but not as much as Deathwire).
April 16th, 2010 - We here at the D.I.T.P.S are confused about PANTHER's true intentions. They claimed they would defend Anne General Hospital because they owned it, but their definition of "defending" must be vastly different from our own because they're nowhere in sight, well, except when it comes to spraying over our group tag and barricade policy. As such, we have had to do all the defending ourselves! And here we thought we could just sit back, let PANTHER do all the hard work, and then we would swoop in and claim all the glory. Standard D.I.T.P.S group policy really. But oh no, they had to be all "somewhere else" doing "something else". Sheesh.
March 30th, 2010 - PANTHER doesn't own Anne General Hospital. As such, the D.I.T.P.S has chosen to ignore their attempts to set barricade policy on our fine hospital. However we do have this advice to all D.I.T.P.S staff: if a member of PANTHER approaches you don't make any sudden movements and avoid eye contact. If you attempt either action they might view it as a sign of aggression and pounce on you! Instead let them go about their usual business, namely spraying their tag, and then when they depart simply spray over it. In this way PANTHER thinks they've accomplished something, when in fact they haven't. In fact, we think that should be their new group slogan. It's catchy.
March 25th, 2010 - Rotten Ray is alive again! It's a f**king miracle!
March 24th, 2010 - Rotten Ray was killed in Cull Avenue PD today by vicious zombies. At Ray's empty-casket funeral Deathwire gave a stirring speech about duty and honor before he started rambling off about government health care. He was a little drunk, but we forgive him because we all knew his best buddy had just died. We'll miss Ray. God speed to the great beyond...
March 15th, 2010 - The D.I.T.P.S's elaborate plan to wait out the zombies holding St. Anacletus's Hospital has been a rousing success, marked mostly by the fact that the zombies did in fact leave. This defeat was made possible by our group's seeming complete lack of interest in our HQ hospital and the apparent lack of any D.I.T.P.S personnel led to a complete route of the invading zombies, just as we had planned all along. There was no formal name for this operation, as we don't believe in formalities. For example feel free to call me Luke, not Mister Luke, just plain old Luke. See? And my name isn't even Luke.
March 10th, 2010 - "More statues, gentlemen! It's our only way to salvation!" -Deathwire, Memoirs of a Great Man Who Was Like Han Solo, Batman, & Neo Combined
March 9th, 2010 - Here for the news? You search and find nothing.
March 1st, 2010 - Today marked the anniversary of Fedora Watch (March 1st, 2009), a day when we sit back and ask ourselves, "Exactly how is Rotten Ray's fadora doing?". Last time, due to Ray's participation in the Dulston Alliance's bounty hunter competition, his hat was both tattered and bloodied. So let's see how it's doing now...
Awww! This is a disappointment ladies and gentlemen. Just look at the state of his hat. I'm sure the judges will agree this is going to cost Rotten Ray some serious points in the D.I.T.P.S snappy dressing phase of the contest. What contest you ask? There isn't any contest. At least, not outside my imagination...
February 26th, 2010 - The chick (I want to say... "hick") zombies from Angry Female Genitalia have invaded the Carlyle Building over in Rhodenbank. No doubt they hunger for the ultra-manly brains of the D.I.T.P.S staff. Sigh. I fear the curse of our superior intelligence, which has gifted us with "rad" (see radical) medical skills and awesome fashion sense will one day be our doom! Alas, this is one burden that we willingly accept. Better to die doing our duty, and dressed snappy, then flee. However, if we did flee then we would flee to Hawaii. I mean, come on... Hawaii!
Also, to answer the most common question we receive here at the D.I.T.P.S HQ, we are not "Egomaniacs", we don't even like Eggos. We mostly dine of coffee here, either in liquid or bean form, depending on whether we have the time to brew a new pot or are just passing through the cafeteria. Mmmmm, crunchy coffee.
February 16th-19th, 2010 - Mostly Undeadites were spotted over at Anne General Hospital along with one member of Angry Female Genitalia. We would make a joke about PMSing here, but all the good jokes were used up ages ago. Now we just sort of elbow each other and wink. Later three more AFG zombies showed up at the hospital and caused more trouble for us. Maybe they heard about how much we casually insult them behind their backs. One might imply there is a lesson to be learned here from all of this, and learn it we did! The salad fork is located on the left side of the plate, after the dinner fork. Mystery solved.
February 5th, 2010 - After completing his patrol of Dulston Rotten Ray reported, "In the past Robicus has complained about how much attention we DON'T pay to Blaise General Hospital, so I swing by to check it out... well it's standing at EHB, properly tagged, but no Robicus!"
When asked to speculate on the nature of Robicus' absence, Rotten Ray replied, "I naturally blame Deathwire and his unholy statue minions. What has he done with Robicus? I mean Robicus hasn't even paid up what he owes from the Great Hat Fight of '09 yet!"
February 3rd, 2010 - While in the Men's Restroom Deathwire had this to report (to anyone within earshot), "Earlier today I noticed that FOXHOUND, being the true evil force in Dulston, had sprayed over our hospital tag. Ergo, I retaliated."
Now no one can deny that Parrott Towers belongs to the D.I.T.P.S! Starting tomorrow we plan to charge any FOXHOUND member staying there rent. Rent will be priced at reasonable rates as while we may be cruel, we are never unjust. Except in those cases where we're not being cruel, in which case we balance the books by being unjust. We don't want the universe to explode or anything...
February 2nd, 2010 - Faced with a staffing shortage Deathwire stood atop his soap box and announced, "I'm pretty sure our numbers started getting picked off around the time Mobius (see Caleb Usher; Noted NecroTech Scientist) stopped updating our news. Sure, some would say my poor leadership drove this bitch into the ground, but I like to think it was Mobius who temporarily killed our little organization. After all, if we stop blaming things on coincidences, would we even be the D.I.T.P.S?"
When asked to comment on these recent allegations of gross negligence Caleb Usher responded, "I think the facts speak for themselves. I am no more responsible for the fate of the D.I.T.P.S than I am global warming."
Asked for a rebuttal Deathwire responded, "Well of course Mobius is behind global warming."
January 28th, 2010 - Anne General Hospital was reported as "doing fine". Also we all finally learned the meaning of Christmas, a month too late. Damn Valium.
January 1st, 2010 - Anyway. Like I was saying... Happy New Year!
December 31st, 2009 - 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... Happy New Year! Oh wait. Let me just...
December 25th, 2009 - Christmas! Be sure to show your Christmas spirit by urinating on a zombie from a window, preferably from above them because man, do they really hate that and you do not want to be with ding-dong grabbing distance. Seriously.
November 30th, 2009 - Dulston was declared a ghost town. Seriously, when did that happen? I certainly don't recall seeing any ghosts inside Dulston and yet they own it? Well we certainly have something to say about that! As per unwritten group policy all members of the D.I.T.P.S are now required to don a proton pack from those stored at Junktopia and aid in the removal of these ghosts from our town.
November 20th, 2009 - In a historic moment that will forever remain hidden from mankind the Bridgman Building was liberated. Sure it was empty, and yeah, it was already barricaded, but was there anyone inside? Nope. So now it belongs to the D.I.T.P.S! Let that be a lesson to everyone about leaving your s**t unattended.
November 13th, 2009 - A panicked report from Anne General Hospital indicated that seven zombies had broken inside and infected over a dozen survivors. While details are still sketchy at this time we all pray that the infection wasn't a STD and transmitted accordingly. Damn zombies.
November 9th, 2009 - Calcyon, in very un-D.I.T.P.S fashion, actually proved a credit to society by clearing out the last zombie inside the Fortress of Science. I know what you're thinking, "Is the D.I.T.P.S now bucking the very anti-helpfulness trend they started back in '08?". The answer to that of course is, "Purple". Thanks everyone!
October 23rd, 2009 - In summary of the past seven days, Rotten Ray executed Perzeus, which was followed by Robicus executing Kalei over at Midelton Crescent PD, so Rotten Ray, not to be outdone, executed Marlea, while Robicus killing Kilkid was completely un-ironic. And that's the news. Well no, not really.
October 14th, 2009 - While digging through Deathwire's desk in search of porn the man in question entered his office and presented the following press release, "The UBCS are changing their group name. As we all know, the Glorious Deathwire fought these gentlemen with words and won, then assumed control of their group as a tax write-off. The UBCS, as a vassal state, is generally an autonomous group, but Deathwire has the ability to demand they change their course of action as he sees fit.
The UBCS is going through a period of civil upheaval regarding their name; They want to change it and Deathwire is against it. Ergo, I need the D.I.T.P.S to be in top-shape when we go in and take 'em down like the English did to those rebellious Americans. Then we can go back to running around without coordination like the damn American government we belong to."
Deathwire then kicked everyone out of his office. I think the part of this story that everyone regretted the most was the part where we didn't actually get to see any porn.
October 13th, 2009 - Deathwire surprised everyone today by announcing, "The Legends of Darkness should be less of a priority considering the zombies are using them to their advantage. I've been following the mob around here... in disguise... for a day or so; Their mob isn't very large any it's mainly concentrated in Anne General Hospital. A concentrated survivor effort could reclaim the majority of the area and that's a plan I back wholeheartedly."
When Security Captain Rotten Ray was later questioned about Deathwire's apparent lack of interest in crushing the Legends of Darkness he responded, "I don't know who Deathwire is anymore... I mean, if you can't count on him being petty and vindictive... God, what has the world come to? I'll tell you, it's not a good thing because up is down and down is up. This is now totally f**ked down. I mean up."
October 11th, 2009 - A local Dulston junkyard became the scene of much slaughter when the D.I.T.P.S located several members of the Legends of Darkness there. In a completely one-sided assault 3 members of this murderous group were urged to head 'towards the light' by Security Captain Rotten Ray. When asked for a comment Ray replied, "They were right next to Blaise General Hospital - the cheeky bastards! Robicus, dammit, you could've at least told us they were in your neighbourhood! You can always tell by the smell..."
October 5th, 2009 - It would appear full-on hardcore war is the order of the day as Deathwire declared the following from atop a soap box in Anne General Hospital, "I've declared war upon the Legends of Darkness. Not a war of civility. I tried that, didn't work. They're very dense it turns out. We're in a war of blood and steel now! David Sly is the one who caused me to escalate our joke conflict into a full war. Whenever you kill him, try to incorporate the phrase 'Do it, b***h.' in to your taunt. After all, every response I made to his forum posts on this topic ended with those words."
October 1st, 2009 - Recent threats from the Legends of Darkness, who apparently have taken offence to being referred to as the 'Legends of Dorkness' around the local hospitals, have been made apparent by the terrible vengeance they have exacted upon the D.I.T.P.S. Which is to say they have killed several members. In response to this completely expected outburst of violence Deathwire himself took extreme measures by announcing the following policy change: "Alright, I'll stop being mean to anyone who kills Perzeus. This stacks. Theoretically, by killing him ten times that would make us best friends." In fact all existing anti-LoD policy seems to focus on mocking or killing Perzeus.
September 26th, 2009 - It's common knowledge that all deserters of the D.I.T.P.S are bound to either meet a grisly end or to find their way back in to the employment of the D.I.T.P.S. However, some individuals need an extra push in one of these directions. Security Captain Rotten Ray, Hearing that Perzeus was back in town, authorized "full lethal force" when dealing with Mr. Perzeus. Rotten Ray is further quoted with "If you spot him and don't want to take him down, let us know here...I'm sure I'm not the only one who wants to light him on fire with a flare..." The DITPS wishes to assure Perzeus that we simply wish to give him the gift of warmth for the upcoming winter in remembrance of his time as a loyal employee.
September 14th, 2009 - Deathwire died today at Anne General Hospital when several zombies viscously assaulted him, but before he died he had this to say, "I am disappointed. What I find the most shocking is that FOXHOUND would willingly compromise our defences by changing the tag on Anne General. They're basically guilty of treason."
Yes, that's right everyone. For those of you who didn't realize it yet the D.I.T.P.S tag actually wards off any zombies who might attempt to enter the hospital. By changing the tag the protective aura it generated was instantly nullified, as proven by our own pseudo-science, and the zombies came pouring. If it was FOXHOUND's objective to humiliate Deathwire in front of his statues, well, mission accomplished.
September 12th, 2009 - The D.I.T.P.S would like to remind everyone that tagging in Anne General Hospital is NOT a right, it's actually a privilege. And like all privileges it's something that only belongs to the elite, namely members of the D.I.T.P.S. When asked about this hot topic Deathwire had this to say, "I've often wanted to kill everyone in Anne General because one person kept changing my tag. I figured that by killing them all I would eventually root out the one person responsible. Everyone must conform to the D.I.T.P.S psychotic thought pattern."
The D.I.T.P.S would however like to disavow any connection between ourselves and any future event wherein everyone in Anne General Hospital ends up being killed. In fact, if that actually did happen, contrary to whatever anyone else tells you and whatever proof they might have, the actual cause of such a massacre would be zombies. Not Deathwire. Zombies. Not Deathwire....... Zombies. But just as a reminder, stop screwing with the tags.
September 6th, 2009 - It was a red letter day in St. Anacletus's Hospital as Deathwire reported the good news, "There are now ten statues in Anacletus. We can do this, people!". Heartened by this news everyone in the hospital paid homage to the Greater Good.
August 26th, 2009 - Recently promoted Security Captain Rotten Ray on the subject if one of his security rookies can have multiple kills when "messing around", why doesn't D.I.T.P.S security mount a full-on onslaught against the zombie hordes currently in and about Dulston: "I cried because I had no desk, until I met a man with no feet, and the no feet guy told me there was this thing called a budget, and D.I.T.P.S was way over it. Short answer: there's a bullet shortage 'cause of Deathwire's online poker stimulus plan."
August 24th, 2009 - The following statement was issued by rookie security guard Calcyon, "I decided to mess around a bit earlier and I managed to kill two zeds...". Zombies should be well aware of the implications of this statement. Namely, even when D.I.T.P.S security is only quote "messing around" unquote, they apparently kill multiple zombies. On a whim. However, should the D.I.T.P.S Security Branch ever seriously mount a tactical operation against the horde we fully expect to witness zombie casualty reports skyrocket into the hundreds... of thousands.
For any zombies reading this, that's right, we eat cake all the time when you're not around.
August 12th, 2009 - Today we begin a new series called Insights Into Madness. Our first guest here today is well-known D.I.T.P.S member Rotten Ray who shared the following information with us: "So there I am, sitting in the Much Arms nursing my warmed over beer and lamenting my "torn and bloodstained" grey fedora when a bunch o' the undead come crashing in like it's freakin' Shaun of the Dead! Cut to the last scene, which has me in two pieces on the floor.
"The Much Arms doors closed with 4 zombies inside munchin' on the last survivor with the gravy of my spilt blood for flavour..."
And there you have it. Proof-positive that warm beer leads to dismemberment. Science has triumphed once again. Of course we all know that, had Ray's fedora been whole, he would have survived. Obviously.
August 10th, 2009 - Rotten Ray was overheard suggesting the following (censored) plan of action: "We need to kill and dump that last zombie (easy kill for somebody with AP), take the 'cades up to EHB+infinity and let the (censored) zombies outside waste their time cracking the barricades to get into an empty building. Don't anybody do any heroic last stand bullshit in (censored) just yet.
"Just to piss them off."
FUN FACT #1: Many plans by the D.I.T.P.S end with the words "...just to piss them off.".
August 5th, 2009 - The D.I.T.P.S exterminated the last of the zombies illegally occupying Anne General Hospital, thus liberating their beloved hospital from the unwashed zombie masses (yet again). To celebrate there was cake. If you did not receive any cake, tough, you should have been there when it was handed out. For those of you who were there and claim you also never got any cake... well I have no response to that except to say the cake is not a lie.
July 29th, 2009 - Welcome! If you're reading this then odds are you're lost. But don't worry, because you've come to the right place! Here at the D.I.T.P.S we aim to make everyone feel at home. Deathwire himself will often greet new applicants with inspirational words such as, "You are incredibly unqualified to be a doctor. We use your application as an example of how to not apply for internship. You aren't welcome here (doctor's name).". We of course naturally assume you're from a dysfunctional home where such greetings are commonplace. Regardless, have a super day!
July 14th, 2009 - For a laugh we swiped Rotten Ray's personal journal. Here's an excerpt that actually doesn't reference Hannah Montana in some way: "Back in Dulston...not a lot of zombies...I repaired and 'caded SAH, snuck into Flyte's office to make some 'corrections' to certain personnel files... and then got outta there, so it's standing empty at VSB++ right now. I was going to repair the warehouse next door, but it's a whopping 29AP to repair - I chose another less costly building.
"I might come back for the warehouse tomorrow - just doing my little bit to repair the Rhodenbank Highway... Outside of the Mall it looks deserted... Maybe the zombahs got bored and shuffled off?"
July 9th, 2009 - Deathwire issued the following edict: "Everyone keep doing this or start doing that. Also try to reclaim statue museums. Top priority."
We're pretty sure his words were taken out of context, except for the part about the statues. He's bonkers about statues.
June 30th, 2009 - In an effort to confuse anyone reading the D.I.T.P.S news we decided to report some news. And yes, this is an obvious attempt to mess with your head. Original text in black with editor text in red. Fallout11 reported, "Well, it's been a long time in coming, but after a very lengthy trip I'm next door to the ruins of St. Hermans Hospital in Rolt Heights, just a few blocks from Marcellus Hospital. There are a lot of small zombie clusters (like nouget, only not as delicious) in this area and to the east into western Pescoside. I've spotted only a few survivors. The zombies are attacking everything, but so far not that much is ruined although they're eventually getting to it. St. Ninian's Hospital is down as well, as was Silverius which fell yesterday. The rest of southern Rolt Heights seemed mostly okay, if a bit light in terms of breathers."
June 24th, 2009 - Deathwire reported today that active group membership within the D.I.T.P.S had dropped from 19 to 10 members due to a tragic mining accident involving clowns. In retrospect, one has to ask whether there is anything that cannot be blamed on clowns. Possibly, but I'm drawing a blank.
In other news, gas prices have risen yet again due to clowns.
June 2nd, 2009 - Deathwire stood before his gathered peers, who were few, and his peons, who were many, to announce the following: "Gentlemen. I have placed twelve statues inside Junkitopia. While I am away on my crusade in Malton, they shall be your council of leadership."
"Allow me to spin you a tale of a man named Johnny Appleseed. He was a man who traveled from land to land planting these things called 'apple seeds' so that apple trees would grow all around the country. His efforts won him a cult of personality and he was elected Prime Minister of America. He begun the Hundred Years War with Germany which, as you all know, is why we are all here today. Why, due to the planting of apple trees everywhere, Newton was able to discover gravity while he rested beneath one."
"Now, other stories regarding Mr. Appleseed tell his tale differently, but that's aside the point. He is a folkhero who made the world better. Deathwire was inspired by his actions. I shall embark on a great crusade to spread statues throughout all of Malton so that one day great Statue Trees will fill the city."
When asked to provide a comment about this turn of events, Rotten Ray had this to say, "I, for one, welcome our new statue overlords. Things actually got done under their previous repressive regime..."
May 15th, 2009 - The following news article may, or may not, contain facts of a questionable nature. In fact, the very concept that this is actually "news" might very well be be in doubt. More news about the news later...
Today everyone celebrated the birthday of Dulston's most cherished (former) citizen, none other than noted NecroTech scientist Caleb Usher. While Caleb was no longer trapped in Malton, the people still remember him for the great man that he was... the visionary who mocked zombies, belittled criminals, reported the news, initiated NecroWatch, and generally wandered around the suburb using First Aid Kits on random people, whether injured or not, possibly due to his almost constant state of inebriation. God bless him.
May 14th, 2009 - In an act of unparalleled heroism Rotten Ray single-handedly recaptured Blaise General Hospital. Here you can see some of the zombie neighbours milling around outside the hospital. With no real work ethic at all, the zombies seemed happy just standing around and doing nothing. Here we see Ray cleaning up. That Ray! He knows a tidy hospital helps prevent nasty infections. And here we see Ray redecorating. Ray knows the best place for a vending machine is in front of those bland-looking entrance doors. Doors are so last year. And there you have it.
May 11th, 2009 - A motion was passed today to move the D.I.T.P.S to a safer suburb, perhaps even New Arkham. However this motion was overruled by Deathwire who simply stated, "The D.I.T.P.S isn't moving. Not while Flyte commands us from the safety of his office in Anacletus." However rumor has it that the actual point on contention was the fact that any effort to move from Dulston would in fact change the group's name... which would have a disastrous effect on all D.I.T.P.S merchandise. I mean, N.A.I.T.P.S? I don't think so.
April 24th, 2009 - The vandal behind the latest batch of newsposts has been apprehended by DITPS security. It is safe to say that he will not be filling these channels with his inane tommyrot again. However, now that the position of DITPS newsperson is open, DITPS news shall not filter in as reliably until we can find a replacement. Until then, we assure you that things are going well and that the DITPS is prospering in the name of the Greater Good. - Deathwire
April 20th, 2009 - I walked by a mirror today and realized I'm f**king handsome. On a scale of 1 to 10, I would be rated "super-fine". I'm letting everyone know this because not all of you get a chance to see how handsome I am. It's an honour really. I try to maintain the general stereotype of the handsome and wealthy doctor. And by "wealthy" I mean poor. And by "doctor" I mean... you know they actually let me operate on people. REAL PEOPLE! I've grown to learn that people and animals are very different. I mean, on the inside.
April 16th, 2009 - Dr McGinlay resigned the D.I.T.P.S group. Now, I'm not one to brag, but that has got to be some kind of record right there. I'm sure it also has to say something about the D.I.T.P.S and our work environment. Or maybe it's just the zombies. There sure are a lot more zombies in Dulston these days. CRAP! I just reported real news, didn't I? I hadn't meant to do that anymore. My bad.
April 11th, 2009 - Dr McGinlay joined the D.I.T.P.S group. We had a small party for him, which went well until Deathwire learned about it, as he wasn't invited, so he called in the Security Team to break it up. They used the firehoses again, but this time it wasn't as much fun...
April 9th, 2009 - I wanted to report we have no news today. We blame global warming.
March 26th, 2009 - ...And Deathwire sees absolutely no malpractice suit in our near future after posting this honest advertisement in a warehouse next door to Anne General Hospital. For that matter we should work on that... surgery... thing we do. Zombies sure to make for a useful excuse though.
In other news, the following conversation was overheard by something lurking inside the hospital's ventilation shafts. No idea how this was later repeated here, but who cares, I mean, really? Here we go!:
And so on... you get the general idea. I would share more of this fascinating tale, but the thing in the ventilation shafts is mucking around and making lots of noise, so I gotsta get my poking broom and shoo it off. Damn 'horror of horrors'.
March 15th, 2009 - The D.I.T.P.S live in an environment where we strive to grow and better ourselves. This proverbial "leveling-up" allows us to learn new skills and in turn secure D.I.T.P.S medical care excellence for all our patients. It's for this very reason that we turn to our veteran members to set a positive example by reaching the absolute peak of survivor perfection... something we like to call "Level 41". I won't bore you with the details, but this is as good as it gets. With that said many members have of late pointed out the fact that Deathwire, our Chief of Staff for Anne General Hospital is in fact only "Level 40". And what skill, pray tell, is he missing? Body Building. Some might say this skill is vital to survival, but those people do not know the real Deathwire. Oh no. For you see a file photo reveals a startling fact:
That's right, he's a wisp. In his defense it would be really hard for an immaterial ball of energy to learn Body Building.
March 10th, 2009 - Os heer I wsa lsitnegin ot hte rdaoi wnhe I relaizde tath msto fo teh poelpe uigns ti aer itiods. I mane od yuo haer whta's bineg siad abuot teh Dlustno Alialnec? Peru cpra. Btu yuo hvea ot ltisten ot ti bceuase on noe wnsta ot eb btohrede ot chnage teh feruqenyc. Lzay bmus. Jstu ot ste teh rceodr srtaigth, teh Alainlce si udniludet aewsmoe. Fi oru Alilacen wree aynmroe aswemoe ew wuold epxldoe no cnotcat lkie fcukni' ntiro-glceyrnie. Bmoo!
Whta? Wtha's wongr wthi yuo? Yuo kepe lokoign ta em lkie M'i carzy. Yuo'er caryz!
March 7th, 2009 - Dear Diary. We all had a rough few days recently and, as always, I wanted to take a few moments to express my thoughts here. The world can be a cruel place, filled with jerks, and most of those jerks happen to also be zombies. Zombies are by definition jerks. I mean, when was the last time a survivor walked into your beloved home of Junktopia, pulled you into the streets, and then ate your brains? F**kin' never, that's what. Oh sure, I suppose a survivor could shoot you, but most of the locals with guns and the urge to use them on their fellow survivors are pretty limp-wristed, if you know what I mean. And if you don't then you're a zombie spy! Stop reading my diary zombie spy! Where was I? Ah yes. Some zombies even had the nerve to kill Deathwire inside his beloved Junktopia, so he has now sworn a Nordic(?) Oath of Vengeance upon all zombies. I think that means he plans to kill them and eat their hearts. Nothing says "vengeance" like a good old fashioned heart eating. Eating someone's heart is like saying: I'm angry, but working through my anger imaginatively. Of course we all know you can't go about eating rotten zombie hearts raw, no siree, you gotta baste that sucker in its own juices, or lacking "juices" pouring on the fuel, then you light that puppy (not a real puppy, rather the heart) on fire with a handy flare gun. Voila, you get that flavorful roasted zombie heart that everyone always talks about on the Dining Channel, which isn't so much a "channel" as the window into the insane asylum where we lock-up the mental patients. Those guys sure are entertaining. Well, it's been a blast Diary, but I have to go now and flambé some zombies. They won't light themselves on fire. Even though that would obviously help speed things up... the jerks.
March 1st, 2009 - Fedora Watch '09 is back, bringing you up-to-date coverage of Rotten Ray's fedora status. In a marked turn of events we see that the Hang 'Em High competition played a pivotal role in attacks against Ray, in addition to random zombie maulings. These kills proved costly, as his hat has slowly become exposed to further degrees of wear-and-tear. And blood. Lots and lots of blood. We here at the D.I.T.P.S feel for Ray and his hat. We want him to know that we stand beside him, and God willing, when the time is right he can get a new hat from the Hat Store at Tompson Mall.
In other news, a betting pool has started up in the office as D.I.T.P.S members place bets as to how long it will take before Ray finally breaks and either drops his current hat or runs off to get a new hat at the mall. Thought for the Day: It sure would be nice if survivors could get their clothing cleaned and repaired... perhaps a new Tailor class for Civilians? Something to get Malton's economy out of this zombie-imposed recession.
February 28th, 2009 - Today marked the end of the Hang 'Em High bounty hunter competition, which for most of the D.I.T.P.S did not mean too much since we're all doctors. Of course for one person it was a big deal and that person was none other than Rotten Ray, the D.I.T.P.S Security Captain. In a effort to show just how capable he was at his new job Ray set out to prove he was the best of the best when it came to hunting criminals. For a majority of the competition Ray dominated, sitting in 1st place without any real competitors for over a month. It was only in the final week that his position was finally contested and in the 11th hour, the Hang 'Em High trophy ended up not only in the hands of Ray, but also those of his worthy rival Ottari too, as the competition ended in a "by the skin of your teeth" draw. Even so, Rotten Ray now holds the title of Northeast Marshal.
February 27th, 2009 - Today is the 3rd Anniversary of the Dulston Alliance. We all promised each other we would go to the Burchell Arms and get s**tfaced drunk, but then people actually started showing up at our hospital and wanted us to heal them. The nerve! Didn't they know we all had plans? We tried to explain this but couldn't get a word in edgewise with all their screaming and begging. Even so, we are doctors and we felt obligated to help them out. As such, we never did get to attend the party.
February 19th, 2009 - Nostaligia was the order of the day, as Rotten Ray noticed that for the first time, in some time, several older D.I.T.P.S members had apparently decided to come into work. Stepping into St Anacletus's Hospital Ray was comforted by this sight. With Arrowsmith now back from his vacation/retirement/failed escape attempt, Deathwire decided to share his own personal style of sentimentality by re-living a past historical moment of his own. Ah, those were the days.
February 13th, 2009 - Over here at the D.I.T.P.S ranks and promotions must be earned, and whether or not you have earned anything is determined by the steely gaze of none other than Deathwire, the Chief of Staff at Anne General Hospital! As if years under the hard yoke of Deathwire's management is not enough the following fully emphasizes the overall situation within the D.I.T.P.S:
Rotten Ray: "What was it Deathwire said about old DITPS never escaping his grasp? I spotted John Harbor sitting inside Walbutton NT over in Rhodenbank and invited him to come back. He was from before my time, I think, but another retired member coming back would annoy Caleb Usher, so I thought I'd take the liberty..."
Rotten Ray: "Oooooooh! So close..."
February 9th, 2009 - In an effort to rally support among Alliance troops, Deathwire unveiled the following plan to the Dulston Alliance high council, "Gentlemen, Dulston is in shambles. In times like this, it is up to the D.I.T.P.S to develop a plan that will save our fair suburb from being in such a state indefinitely. Ergo, I propose Operation Awesome Pwnerate Go!. Every member of the Dulston Alliance shall hereto rally in Junkitopia. After a brief civil war to retake control from the Nationalist Crushed Car Party, we shall be able to prepare for our assault into Dulston from there. Once our army is prepared to strike from Junkitopia, we shall charge Howell Library, or Club Mold if Howell is not ruined. If neither are ruined, then we'll simply kill FOXHOUND and eat cake.
"Our valiant soldiers will rush the target location all at once, charge inside, and punch to death any zombies they find. The zombies shall feel the wrath of our fists of steel! With our forces having satiated their bloodlust and reclaimed Howell Library, or Club Mold, we can barricade the living hell out of it. Given time to prepare, we shall be able to make our next move: We will blow-up the Bridgman Building. "What?" you say, "But we'll lose a NecroTech building!". I ask you though, what is inside a NecroTech building? An unlimited supply of syringes. By blowing-up the Bridgeman Building, every zombie in the area will be revived by randomly falling syringes, not the mention that the streets of Dulston will be littered with syringes, thus making it possible to search them for syringes. We will have converted every street in Dulston into a NecroTech building. And that, gentlemen, is the very essence of the brilliance that is Operation Awesome Pwnerate Go!. Thank you."
February 3rd, 2009 - The following was a partial recording from a staff meeting between D.I.T.P.S staff at an undisclosed hospital location outside not-so-DULLston. What you are about to hear, or read, is the untarnished truth of life inside D.I.T.P.S, so sit back and enjoy the ride:
Doctor How: "...-head over to Anne's ASAP."
Rotten Ray: "Probably not such a good idea at the moment... Both hospitals are sacked."
Robicus: "Speak for yourselves, Blaise General Hospital is up and running, which means it's the best hospital in Dulston... we are even outside the sphere of influence of Deathwire's sentient golems."
Robicus: "Oh yes I did!"
Orophin Minyatur: *snap, snap, snap*
Deathwire: "In other news, we're cutting the Field Team budget. They must now pay us to operate."
Robicus: "Well then the statues can come and collect payment themselves."
Deathwire: "The DITPS uses a mail service now; Please mail it to our main headquarters: Anne General. Selling used cars wasn't lucrative. Zombies keep causing traffic to be backed up."
January 29th, 2009 - Deathwire, who was away on sick-leave, returned recently to report on the latest conspiracy theory against him, "For the entire duration of my sick leave, I managed to stay alive. Almost nobody, except for Ruben Kincaid who is a nobody, tried to kill me. The very day I recover, whammo! Death to Deathwire. I'm starting to think I'd only die if I was the leader of the DITPS. During that whole 'You're not the boss of us, Deathwire' shenanigans period, I mysteriously stopped dying. For a long while I survived. Then while I was sick I handed over leadership to my statues. Again, I stopped dying. But now I'm leader again and bam, I'm dead. This is FOXHOUND's fault. Also note the fifteen zombies outside Anne General. They're always after me hospital!"
January 28th, 2009 - It was a busy day today for the D.I.T.P.S as the line-up outside Anne General Hospital extended around the corner with zombie patients eager for their headshots. When survivors inquired with D.I.T.P.S staff about the influx of zombies outside they were told the D.I.T.P.S had posted/tagged the proper advertisement outside the hospital days in advance, so they were not in the least bit surprised when zombies started flocking to the hospital barricades eager for medical attention. "After all, it's Flu season, so you gotta give them their shots!" And there you have it! The D.I.T.P.S, helping stem the tide of infection in fair Dulston.
January 18th, 2009 - NEWS FLASH! The D.I.T.P.S have stepped up their efforts to find fresh recruits among the chaff that is Dulston's survivor populace. To further these goals Rotten Ray, a Resident Physician with the D.I.T.P.S made his sales pitch to an enthralled crowd of people who were trapped inside the zombie-sieged hospital.
In other news, Deathwire wanted to make it clear to everyone that fun time was over and that he was through playing games with Anne General Hospital's tag. To those who didn't get the message, he wanted to make it clear. So people, stop screwing around. Unofficially everyone else in the D.I.T.P.S thinks re-tagging is pretty funny.
January 13th, 2009 - From time to time people ask us, "Who is Deathwire?", and we like to pretend we don't know. But deep in our hearts we do know him. We all know him. And while I would like to say mere words cannot describe him... yes... yes they can:
January 11th, 2009 - Despite success in the brief, unexpected and completely bloodless, war with FOXHOUND, D.I.T.P.S Chief of Staff, Deathwire's, almost absolute grip on D.I.T.P.S pseudo-leadership slipped today when his reliance on the administrative tool of public humiliation known as "demotion" was met by unexpected results within the staffroom. The incident began like any other, with a totally routine random demotion due to his surprise that we had already won the war:
Caleb Usher: "I heard the war was over and you guys had won! Great job everyone!"
Deathwire: "But..I didn't..I wanted to..I didn't even get to give a speech! I had a brilliant battle plan all thought up! It involved exploiting the weaknesses of FOXHOUND to reap our revenge! F**k you, Caleb! Can't demote ye..Yer demoted, Rotten Ray!"
Rotten Ray: "Demotion, promotion, commotion, emotion, lack of devotion...whatever. Wait a second...that demotion had ABSOLUTELY NO EFFECT on me WHATSOEVER! I'm free! Free at last! HA HA! Go ahead! Demote me AGAIN! Thank you sir, may I have another! HA HA HA HA! Oh this opens so many possibilities! I have to go away and plot! Free Pudding for all in the lobby of SAH!"
Free pudding being synonymous with International Communism, Deathwire contemplated his next move towards absolute totalitarian control. Faced with insurrection in the ranks, Deathwire responded with draconian new measures expressed in the form of two simple words (and it's not the ones you're thinking of):
Deathwire: "Pay cut."
Rotten Ray: "Interesting tactic. Well played. May I counter with SEXUAL HARASSMENT SUIT?"
While Deathwire had said no, his staff informed him that Rotten Ray was not really asking a question, Deathwire was left contemplating the sexy sexy turn that administration of that motley crew of meatball surgeon hippy pacifists had taken.
More later, possibly with video footage of the incident at hand...
January 7th, 2009 - Deathwire reported that he made a special exception today when he performed a house call on the notorious, if poorly described, criminal He's dead Jim. We here at D.I.T.P.S enjoy our jobs, which includes healing, reviving, and laying the smack down.
January 6th, 2009 - The war is over and D.I.T.P.S won! Rumor and conjecture has it the war was very glorious, or so we naturally assume because no one has any actual details about any fighting. Nevertheless, in the end Deathwire made the declaration after it was determined not even a single D.I.T.P.S member had died at the hands of heavily-armed FOXHOUND agents. Is there any other possible explanation other than the fact that the D.I.T.P.S's stance of "No comment!" had forced FOXHOUND to back down? Obviously none that we're willing to consider. La-la-la-la! Not listening.
January 5th, 2009 - Between random zombie attacks, rumours swirl among D.I.T.P.S members at both Anne General and St. Anacletus's Hospitals that they may soon be going to war! For the first time since the Great Civil War of Arrowsmith Getting Defeated has war been openly discussed, even more so than the usual hushed whispers among secret followers of Arrowsmith or the splinter cell agents of noted NecroTech scientist, Caleb Usher. And what, you may ask, is the reason for war and for that matter, war against whom? The reason was nothing short of the great effrontery which had befallen Anne General Hospital, and the perpetrators of this heinous crime were none other than FOXHOUND! Yes, FOXHOUND, once believed to be a staunch ally of the D.I.T.P.S, they have finally shown their true colours and are now blamed in instigating a crime that might best be described using the single word "supercalifragilicious-expealidocious"... though even we're not sure why... but regardless, FOXHOUND operatives committed an act of high treason in the eyes of the Greater Good. The hospital has since been re-tagged, but Deathwire was not amused, as the tag was said to have quote 'raped his eyes' unquote. When later questioned as to the exact ramifications this would have on D.I.T.P.S-FOXHOUND relations he responded, "We're still thinking about it... don't rush us. I don't like being rushed."
January 4th, 2009 - In what may be considered the most shocking and scandalous news to ever be reported EVER, the D.I.T.P.S felt it was important to let the survivor community know about the undercurrent of oppression being brought down on the D.I.T.P.S by none other than FOXHOUND. Yes, you heard us correctly. FOXHOUND has been asking Deathwire for zombie protection money, or "zombie insurance" as it were, and when said money never appeared they began a vicious campaign of intimidation! The proof though was caught on film. At first they pulled their punches, but not long after wards the gloves came off. You may be asking, "But chronologically the first report came after the second report, so that chain of events is incorrect". Oh well, I bet you think you're so smart figuring that out. Well what if I told you Deathwire was a time traveler and he traveled into the past to get punched proving it happened after being slapped with the newspaper, what then jackass? Not so smug now that we've proven D.I.T.P.S Chief of Staff Deathwire is a motherf**king Time Lord! Yeah, and what's mor- what did you just say?!? You think I didn't hear that punk? And you know what else I know, I know where you live a**hole! That's right. I'm going to find you when you're asleep and I'm going to make you regret the day you were born!
January 1st, 2009 - What? We're all still alive? In all seriousness, we here at D.I.T.P.S believed the world was supposed to have ended with 2008. As such, no news was prepared. Uh, happy new year?
December 25th, 2008 - The D.I.T.P.S would like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. This will now be a slow week/weekend as the D.I.T.P.S staff all enjoy vacation time. So patients are requested to hold their bleeding guts inside until next week when most of our members will be returning to duty. Until then hum Christmas carols, eat some roasted chestnuts, and other winter activities that don't involve exposing yourself to further zombie infection.
December 19th, 2008 - Deathwire issued the following press release: "The war is won. Bury the dead. Today is the day we begin living the rest of our lives. For the Greater Good. Also, don't let the hospital fall this time. These statues are too awesome."
December 12th, 2008 - For a change of pace, the D.I.T.P.S has decided not to issue a standard recon report or Deathwire commentary. Well, actually I don't even recall the last time D.I.T.P.S issued a formal recon report. The news really is just all about Deathwire these days... but NOT TODAY! No dear folks, today will be the first of many Q&A sessions with D.I.T.P.S staff so that we can all learn from their combined experience. Experience some might call wisdom, but not a sane person. Dear God no! Rather one of those crazy psychopaths D.I.T.P.S would keep locked up in a padded room. That sort of person. Let's begin!
Question - Calcyon (Dec 12 2008, 10:32 AM) - "Anyone have a fairly safe place to hide?"
An excellent question Calcyon. Hiding from zombies is an excellent way to avoid being eaten by zombies. Now let's turn to a veteran member of D.I.T.P.S for the answer...
Answer - Rotten Ray (Dec 12 2008, 05:37 PM) - "You just need to follow these easy steps..."
Step 1: Find Deathwire.
Step 2: Stand next to Deathwire.
Step 3: Watch Deathwire scream in agony as zombies come racing past closer, more easily accessible, tastier victims (even victims tied up and drenched in BBQ sauce) to bite, scratch and chew pieces off of Deathwire instead.
Step 4: Heal Deathwire just enough to give the zombies something to chew on, because if Deathwire dies, the zombies will revert back to their normal behavior (i.e. attack everyone who isn't Deathwire...).
Step 5: This will buy you time to abandon Deathwire and run to the next building, usually without a scratch... but you may wish to remain and watch because every Deathwire death-scene is Romero-esque in its noisy brutality (what with Deathwire's screams and the laughter of the other groups that may or may not be taking bets on how long he will last).
"I've even seen zombies close the door after themselves making apologetic moans for disturbing us as they drag Deathwire out into the street for the happy zombie children to feast upon..."
When asked to comment Deathwire had this to say, "...So damn true..god damn it...". And there you have it. Proof-positive you can't spell 'Delicious' without 'Deathwire', which would spell something like 'Deathwirelicious' I suppose. You know, that doesn't make half as much sense as it did in my head. Strange.
December 11th, 2008 - In other news, AttackDestroyDie of FOXHOUND reported from St. Mark's Hospital in Rhodenbank with the following statement, "I liberated the hospital from Deathwire's grip, it's now the St. Suzumiya Hospital." It's unclear at this time whether this is good news, or bad news. Regardless, it's definitely very anime.
December 10th, 2008 - Orophin Minyatur reported that he was now assisting survivors at the very clean St. Mark's Hospital. The hospital was so clean, in fact, that it required several bad jokes involving cleanliness to be issued. Deathwire responded with, "Clean up your attitude. It's too optimistic. What you can do is clean up crime by performing surgery on Mr. Loop. I saw him murder someone, which can only mean one thing: He's crazy. There is only one cure for insanity. Pistol Surgery™. Pew pew pew!"
December 9th, 2008 - The following is a slightly inaccurate, but more humorous, re-enactment of an actual conversation that took place between members of the D.I.T.P.S staff:
Rotten Ray: "That's it. I have to retire now... I have 9999 experience points."
Deathwire: "Oh! So close to a promotion. You were that close. You healed Deathwire for the Greatest Good of All; perpetuating the madness that is the D.I.T.P.S possession of hospitals."
Rotten Ray: "What is this 'pro...motion' that you speak of? I have never heard that word used while with the D.I.T.P.S..."
Deathwire: "It's an archaic term. 'To give more work, to give more responsibility, and to make more accountable.'"
Astounding, nail-biting action people! We couldn't make this stuff up even if we tried.
In a bid to reclaim power while holding out in Rhodenbank, Deathwire made the following statement to the staff at St. Mark's Hospital. His offer was considered before he was finally thrown out into the street. More's the pity for them, for they have spurned Deathwire's glorious wisdom.
Later, Deathwire made a further report from St. Mark's Hospital when he issued the following insightful statement, "Generally speaking, everyone is safe as long as I stand."
Somebody has spraypainted Free Pudding! onto a wall.
When asked to comment Deathwire had this to say, "I will kill every motherf**king zombie in motherf**king Dulston for removing my motherf**king tag and promoting free pudding in my bloody hospital!". While few people had any real interest into the reasons, or lack thereof, as to why Deathwire was so upset by the pudding advertisement he appeared more than willing to provide further details:
"Everyone knows that during the Great Civil War of Arrowsmith Getting Defeated, the foolish rebels bombarded the hospital for days with tapioca pudding. While it's true that it came down on top of us in a way that would suggest it was my own trebuchet that was to blame and while there
December 1st, 2008 - Deathwire reported, and I kid you not, that he was recently killed by zombies while
November 23rd, 2008 - Deathwire reported, "The fools! Why would they repair the building when it was clear I would die first! What's worse is that Junkitopia has a zombie inside of it! That damned Nationalist Crushed Car Party was bound to run the place to its doom!" For those of you who are confused by this news we suggest reading the article posted on October 23rd for further details. As to the 'building' in question we here at the DITPS naturally assume Deathwire was referring to his beloved Anne General Hospital... but in all seriousness he rambles off-topic a lot and some of us here believe half of any conversation you have with him takes place entirely in his own mind, which would account for those periods where you would try to have a conversation with him, but all he does is stare back at you... really creepy-like... and then an hour or so later he starts talking like it never happened. What's up with that?
November 22nd, 2008 - After many hardships, battles, and a bout of insomnia, Rotten Ray finally achieved his life-long dream when he reported, "OK, now that I've got my hat... (let's get down to business)". Proof? Here you go true believers!:
Frivolous? Very. Funny? No. News? Yes.
November 17th, 2008 - Rotten Ray departed for Giddings Mall to assist with the medical needs of its survivors. But after a long, some would say short, and hard, some would say sad, fought battle the mall finally fell. While staying there Ray reported, "I did Giddings Mall. It was fun, but in the end frustrating because we SHOULDA WON DAMMIT! Instead of getting sucked into that, I think we should mount a guerrilla campaign and start running some MASH units with the emphasis on 'Mobile'. Failing that, I'm going to the Hat Store and getting that Black Fedora I've always wanted..."
November 15th, 2008 - It is with heavy hearts that D.I.T.P.S reported the fall of Anne General Hospital. Despite the combined efforts of Deathwire and, probably, other members of D.I.T.P.S the zombies still managed to breach the building's defences and killed everyone inside. When asked to comment on the recent ruination of his beloved hospital and his subsequent death, Deathwire had this to say, "F**k everyone". As always D.I.T.P.S reports the truth, and nothing but the truth.
Anyone wishing to celebrate this glorious victory should line up for chocolate cake in the Anne General cafeteria promptly at 2:00 PM today. Anyone who wants additional slices of cake beyond their regulated 4"x4"x4" cube will need to fill out the new 1WN7-M0R-K4K Requisition Form in triplicate, as per the recent hospital rule change arbitrarily handed down by Deathwire. It's all for the Greater Good people.
In other news, people died, the D.I.T.P.S revived and healed them, and the mall fell. Yadda-yadda-yadda. Boring. Who wants more cake?
October 31st, 2008 - It's Halloween and we here at the D.I.T.P.S have learned that, yet again, the most popular costume was the standard zombie. It seems like it's been that way for the past 4 years and you would think people would get tired of it, but no, they just keep rehashing the same old costumes, assaulting people, and eating their brains. The D.I.T.P.S will be giving out free candy and expired medicine at all its hospitals this Halloween night, so drop by and get injected with something you'll hopefully find delightful and not deadly. As a reminder, if you happen to bump into Deathwire don't tell him his "costume" looks horrifying, because that always upsets him.
October 24th, 2008 - Deathwire reported the following from Anne General Hospital, "Business as usual for the DITPS. Both of our hospitals are back up and running. We'll break out the flight suits and 'Mission Success' banners shortly."
While D.I.T.P.S always encourages all its members to remain vigilant and provide medical support to the citizens of Dulston, we should never forget about decor. Everyone else is reminded to watch Hospital Designer Guys, which is on at 6:00 PM every Friday.
October 23rd, 2008 - Deathwire reported, "I was hanging inside of a junkyard in Rhodenbank for about a week. I declared myself Emperor of Junkitopia and threw cans at anyone who came in. Our economy was very prosperous having been based entirely on bottle caps. At this time, I left the place in the charge of the Parliamentary Council of Junkitopia. We can only hope that the damned Nationalist Crushed Car Party is kept in check by the Greater Good Party of Junkitopia..."
For those of you who are under the impression that every D.I.T.P.S news report of late has in fact only been the unstable ramblings of Deathwire, well, you would be right. I mean, that's all we're doing. Then again, it's not like you have any better to do or you wouldn't be here reading this.
October 10th, 2008 - Deathwire reported, "Pow, right in the kisser! Finished off a zombie in Anacletus with my fists."
A little known fact: Deathwire was five-time Little League state boxing champ when he was but a wee one. Later in life he abandoned his love of boxing in favour of studying medicine. No one knows why. Some say that to this day he can often be seen shadow boxing his way down hospital hallways, or when drunk, occasionally knocking out patients with his deadly left hook. Some might ask him why, but that's just the way he likes it. What do you mean that last sentence made no sense? I'll make no sense out of you! Fight! Fight!
September 29th, 2008 - In a trend of, 'Not doing what we normally do', here is a report from Dr. Martin Arrowsmith, "Today, I made my first triple kill--three zombies in Anacletus, all in a row, then all dumped. Makes me think back to when I could barely hold a gun, much less pull the trigger. Ah, I think it might have been that seminar on pistol-surgery."
This is how we like our reports. Long. Filled with unnecessary information. And awesome!
September 27th, 2008 - In D.I.T.P.S many of our staff often make reports on the status of various buildings and peoples. This helps to facilitate a stronger tactical awareness of both the medical and safehouse situation in Dulston to the entire group. Usually we don't post those reports here. Today we decided otherwise. Healer computer2slow reported, "Anne breached. 5 inside. I took out 2 and then ran away screaming like a little girl."
This is how we like our reports. Short. To the point. And funny.
September 21st, 2008 - Deathwire was witnessed at the Battle of Anne General Hospital as having, and I quote, "Fought with the strength of TEN wisps!". Truly a stunning revelation. Healer computer2slow, who was a zombie at the time, recounted the scene, "(I was intent on) standing outside and scratching the eyes out of any zombies that came by, (but when I) got there Deathwire was outside at 10 health. As a former doctor I took a look and it didn't look so good."
September 16th, 2008 - D.I.T.P.S wanted to advise its staff to keep an eye out for Whitlock WIZARD, who... unlike his name and group affiliation indicates, is not actually a member of WIZARD. This not only makes him a killer, but a liar as well. His mother must be very sad. The following report from the Inman Building reveals the crime in all its terrible glory and is therefore deemed unsuitable for young children, the elderly, and lamas. Viewer discretion is advised.
August 26th, 2008 - Through a taxing war of attrition, a mob of 24 zombies finally managed to overwhelm Anne General Hospital's defenses and finished off the remaining survivors left inside the building. This was considered by many to have been a truly gruesome fight for the control of hospital with D.I.T.P.S members in the forefront of the fighting. It rumored that Deathwire, the hospital Chief of Staff, declared in his best General Douglas MacArthur voice, "I shall return". Setting in motion plans for the eventual retaking of the hospital by our team of highly-trained professionals. Now if only that "profession" were military oriented then that would probably have meant a lot more in this case.
Whether Deathwire is, in fact, 'invincible' or simply 'invincible to knives', is still heavily under debate. For now enemies of the D.I.T.P.S will need to question their ability to harm Deathwire with sharp objects. Unfortunately for Deathwire, there are still many more effective ways to be killed in Malton.
June 25th, 2008 - A deranged killer and ex-D.I.T.P.S member gone rogue, Perzeus, snuck into Anne General Hospital and murdered our beloved leaders, Deathwire (as seen here) and Flyte (as seen here). No doubt this disgruntled former employee needed more hugs as a child. Let that be a lesson to all parents: hug your children to prevent them from become homicidal sociopaths!
April 7th, 2008 - Rotten Ray reported an unfortunate encounter with zombies in Dunningwood which left him very dead. When requested by D.I.T.P.S administration to fill out his "Cause of Death" form (in triplicate) he entered the cause as: "Headbutted to death".
March 17th, 2008 - Anne General has, on the momentous day, achieved artistic glory. What do we mean? Well apparently so much artwork has been placed within the hospital that there is simply no more room for anything else. It's literally packed with artwork, mostly in the form of African Statues. With so much artwork here everyone inside the hospital by now must be irradiated with high levels of culture. Local science staff are curious whether this may lead to a higher consumption of fine wines and cheese by hospital staff.
March 5th, 2008 - Jackspear9 had only just recently joined D.I.T.P.S, but he was soon to learn that not only was he assigned to guard Anne General Hospital, but that things were handled... differently... in Deathwire's hospital. The following is an actual conversation among D.I.T.P.S staff:
soberdoc: "Just stay stay away from old man Deathwire (about 50 yards) and you'll do fine."
Jackspear9: "Aw crud! I'm stuck in Anne General Hospital with HIM. He keeps bringing in African and cracked sculptures!"
Flyte: "OH NO, NOT THE AFRICAN SCULPTURES!"
The rest of the recording was garbled. That is all.
February 19th, 2008 - D.I.T.P.S is fighting hard to hold onto St. Anacletus's Hospital against a zombie mob beating on our doors, which has been the case ever since the Second Big Bash came to Dulston. While most the Dulston Alliance continues efforts to reclaim northeast Malton from Pescodside, our members prefer to stay in the very heart of the conflict and provide much needed assistance to stranded survivors in zombie-infested Dulston. There is always a greater risk when working for the greater good. At this time there are 22 zombies outside the hospital, and another 2-3 zombies inside. Are we worried? Nah.
December 25th, 2007 - At this special time of year Deathwire showed his Christmas spirit by launching presents across Dulston, at high velocity, from his specially designed rooftop catapult. Many children woke up surprised to find various gifts lying among the broken glass of the bedroom windows or lodged firmly in the walls outside their safehouses. It was a Christmas miracle! No, not really.
November 21st, 2007 - As hard-hitting news was few and far between, this news item instead focuses on less factual news... news one might instead refer to as "tabloid rumor". The rumor mill recently uncovered a potentially scandalous romance taking place between renowned doctor and leader of the D.I.T.P.S, Flyte, and Hannah Montanna, a member of Defective Swarm. Flyte denied these rumors with his standard "No comment! Are you on drugs?". We wish. Anywho, official comment aside, a past romantic scandal between Flyte and SweetHikari, a short-tempered former vandal, indicated that Flyte might be attracted to bad girls... or that bad girls are attracted to him. Either way, any romantic connection between Flyte and Hannah would no doubt be doomed as Flyte is known for healing people, while Hannah simply prefers to eat them.
When asked to comment, noted NecroTech scientist Caleb Usher had this to say, "Hmm? What? How does this have anything to do with my study into Quantum Theory and Applied Thermodynamics in the Malton Incident? Are you even supposed to be at this meeting? Security!" It's believed that Caleb may have been concealing what facts he knew in order to help protect Flyte's standing within D.I.T.P.S.
November 15th, 2007 - On the topic of recent death threats made against him, Deathwire had the following to say, "Dirty Rockstar said she is going to kill me for 'being a douche'. I dare say she is the douche and should kill herself instead, but I am a gentleman and will ergo only make fun of her and call her a failure at life should I ever find her trying to kill me."
November 11th, 2007 - On this day did soberdoc, the long lost son of D.I.T.P.S, return back into the fold after having departed many days ago. Actually sometime last week to be specific. With the disbandment of his friend's group, The Lone Wolves, a group whose very name implied that working together as a group was doomed to failure, he has once more rejoined D.I.T.P.S. And now that he has returned he will never leave again, not because of any emotional bonds, but rather iron chains. Mmm-yes. Members only ever get one chance to escap-err leave D.I.T.P.S. After that they can expect a lifetime of
November 9th, 2007 - It what is being termed a "recruitment drive" 4 new survivors joined the ranks of the D.I.T.P.S within the past few days. While none of the group's leadership were on hand to comment noted Necrotech scientist Caleb Usher did provide a few words, "Seriously, D.I.T.P.S? It should be D.I.T.P.S. instead. After all it's an acronym of Dulston Infection Treatment and Prevention Squad, so you would need that final period at the end. It only makes sense right? Hmmm? What? Ah yes, well, I suppose I should commend them on the great job they've done with hiring so many new medical staff and expanding to Blaise General Hospital. I'm certain that the Dulston Alliance appreciates their efforts, even if their name is spelled incorrectly."
October 31st, 2007 - Halloween at D.I.T.P.S HQ was celebrated with Jack-o-lanterns, candies, and good-natured mocking of the local (failed) zombie group, Defective Swarm. Of course it's not all fun and games, as in the past week Deathwire has been killed twice by surprisingly concentrated efforts from local zombies. His reponse?: "Yeah, I think the Defectives are going to try and kill me again today. You kill me twice and try to attack my hospital twice? It's f**king go time! So I spray painted D.I.T.P.S Headquarters, Defective Swarm = Fail outside Anne General and then went outside to see all the dead bodies of the Defectives. What else could I say but, 'Failure is piling up around here'. Oh yeah, feel the rage from Deathwire. Taste the rage of the pacifist."
October 29th, 2007 - Civil unrest within D.I.T.P.S has settled down as the general boredom which spawned Deathwire's revolution has instead been refocused to deal with the new threat presented by Defective Swarm. Of course the D.I.T.P.S use the word "threat" figuratively. Even so, any definitive victory by Defective Swarm might set a bad precedence, like 2+2=5 or something. The very notion that they might prove successful as a zombie group defies long held beliefs and standardized logic.
October 24th, 2007 - Further reports of the uprising have indicated that there has so far been absolutely no bloodshed. In truth it appears that Arrowsmith in St. Anacletus's Hospital and Deathwire in Anne General Hospital have apparently limited their war to campaign-like rethoric which has only served to confuse non-aligned survivors staying at both hospitals.
In response to Arrowsmith's latest claims Deathwire is reported to have stated, "In my eternal wisdom I have placed a catapult on our roof. I'm not a doctor, but rather a physicist, so what else would you expect of me? Did I mention that I know how to make pipe bombs? In a matter of hours, Anacletus will be bombarded with hundreds of pipe bombs, which will cut power to Flyte's office... probably. Once Flyte's office is powerless, Anacletus will become undesirable."
"Join Deathwire for the greater good! The coming days will be tragic and filled with blood, but I am a true leader! How many times have you people worked harder just to try and prove me wrong? How many of you have used that rage I gave you towards slaying zombies? Look at Arrowsmith! He has no ability to lead! When has Arrowsmith ever fueled a rage induced zombie slaughter or had you lot perform excellent medical service out of spite? Join Deathwire for the greater good, or I'll f**king kill you."
In what has now been deemed 'pure insanity' the speeches raged onwards with Arrowsmith providing this rebuttal, "Deathwire will kill each and every one of you anyway! While I've already made my point, consider this: do you want your death slow and painful at his hands, or take a risk to destroy a monster? Do you want your children and their children to endure the tyrant you endure today? Or do we turn on him now by pushing that catapult off the roof? No more acid baths, only sandwiches and back massages from now on."
"Listen to that tyrant: the 'greater good?' And who decides what that greater good is? You? If my death be for the greater good, let Dulston decide that, not one man. I preach forgiveness, and he--he only speaks of death and suffering. Deathwire's right. I'm not a leader. I'm a hero! My life will be an example for each of you... something that he will never do. Even if I'm struck down today, my memory will inspire countless other heroes after me. You will never be free of the spirit of Arrowsmith."
October 23rd, 2007 - The belief that the D.I.T.P.S was governed by kind and wise leadership was forever dashed when, shortly after Flyte assigned Arrowsmith to administer over St. Anacletus's Hospital and then departed on a private mall tour, Deathwire instigated an uprising. Reports have it that he stood atop the front desk at St. Anacletus's Hospital and declared, "Flyte is gone... REVOLUTION! Marsh, join me and you will be made Head of Secret Police! Soberdoc, join me and you will be given a proper Rusty Needle mascot costume. Robicus, join me because I'm your bestest friend! I'm the Doc... you can stay on Flyte's side. Take down Arrowsmith! The crowd calls for blood! Smelt down the iron in Anacletus' hospital and use the rubble as a foundation for the statue of Deathwire! Someone start printing out posters with the phrase: Deathwire is watching, on them! REVOLUTION! My dream of taking over something using fascism and then revamping it to be socialism will finally come true damn it!"
When asked to comment on this sudden turn of events Arrowsmith stated, "Ha! Bring it! I've been predicting this! He must not have noticed the new sentry guns in the lobby. And snipers on the roof! But, perhaps the best countermeasure I've prepared are the quarantine posters asking "Have you seen this man?", with Deathwire's photo on them. The poster calls for all people to stay far away from him, as he's carrying a lethal and horrible virus. Who is going to believe Deathwire, what with my reputation as a doctor?"
October 18th, 2007 - In a surprising turn of events Flyte, the D.I.T.P.S Chief Medical Officer, was murdered by a member of Defective Swarm. While this is not startling in and of itself, the fact that the kill was only achieved when the group sent in a living and breathing death cultist member indicates a certain level of ineptitude in their efforts as a zombie group. To this end, it is believed that these steps were taken by them only after previous attempts to breach the hospital's defenses as zombies had failed miserably. When asked to comment, Flyte calmly stated, "Funny how Infected Swarm resorted to assassinating me and then glorified themselves for killing a group leader, when I killed 3 of them last week in their true zombie forms..."
October 14th, 2007 - A zombie break-in at the Trood Building was (almost/practically) single-handedly countered by the notoriously stigmatized Arrowsmith. When asked about it he had this to say, "Good thing I checked in; I'd probably be dead if not for Soberdoc's warning. I had a few shotguns and pistols ready for just such an occasion. With a mighty shout of 'ARGH! DIE DIE DIE DIE!' and a blaze of slow-motion gun fire, the zombies all died. Well, I had help with one of them. It was glorious. You should all be jealous for not witnessing such an amazing event. I'm still shaking, it was so awesome. Trood NT is safe again. I'm going home to AGH for coffee. And donuts."
For those who doubt the validity of Arrowsmith's report they are asked to instead rely on the more accurate eyewitness account that can be found here.
October 7th, 2007 - Several days after the Anne General Hospital Staff and other brave survivors repelled the massive zombie horde standing outside, celebrations have finally seemed to have died down. With the Infected Swarm broadcasting on the radio lately and trying to act like they are actually worth noticing, the D.I.T.P.S are prepared to mock the Infected Swarm in their efforts to destroy our fair suburb. With D.I.T.P.S staff comments like, "The Infected Swarm have no large zombie group to support them. I doubt they'll be able to do anything noticeable..." and "Their only attack right now seems to be making threats over the radio..." it was evident there was little fear of the zombies or whatever they could throw our way. --Deathwire
September 21st, 2007 - In what many D.I.T.P.S members have filed under "H" for "Hilarious", the currently understaffed Anne General Hospital has managed to hold out against a zombie mob that outnumbers them 3:1. Deathwire, who asked not to be quoted, but was anyway, had this (not) to say, "The zombies think they're all great, with their, ' look at us, we're a horde, we've killed Deathwire, and ruined his lab coat because we're bastards ', but they're nothing more than a bunch of slackers! They break in, kill a couple people and then just sit there. We took back our hospital from them in the first place because they're lazy bums! I keep telling them to get jobs, but all they do is linger around outside of buildings trying to break in. What the hell is wrong with them!?! By the way, don't quote me on this."
September 19th, 2007 - Despite previous zombie attempts to seize our recently retaken headquarters, it has remained in the hands of the survivors. A particularly vicious battle went on for several hours inside the hospital earlier today. All zombie forces were repelled however leaving the majority of the survivors wounded and causing several to rout. --Deathwire
September 15th, 2007 - D.I.T.P.S medical staff are reminded that they are required to work two full shifts at their assigned hospital regardless of personal or medical conditions. This policy was recently underlined in the following emergency staff conversation:
August 12th, 2007 - After a daring counterattack, Anne General Hospital has been retaken by the D.I.T.P.S. Zombie resistance was barely existent, as only one zombie managed to assault the hospital. The hour was late and the other zombies are probably still unaware of the combat situation. Whether or not the hospital will remain in our hands tomorrow is another question. --Deathwire
August 10th, 2007 - Anne General, D.I.T.P.S Headquarters, has been invaded by a large horde of zombies. Anyone inside should evacuate the building and report to St. Anacletus's Hospital for medical aid. --Deathwire
June 6th, 2007 - It appears that the zombie count has increased quite a bit around the area of Anne General Hospital, causing several break-ins and many survivors to be dragged on to the streets by the zombies. The D.I.T.P.S security will do all that they can to keep the casualties to a minimum and our trained doctors will try their hardest to assist the innocents despite this time of crisis. --Deathwire
May 2nd, 2007 - Tough times are ahead it seems, as the Dulston Destruction Tour seems to be coming closer and closer to causing problems. So far two members of the D.I.T.P.S were unjustly murdered while on the job by a PKer, though she failed to take a third victim out when she targeted a member of the security team. It goes without saying that she was executed in self-defense. These attacks will not demoralize us and we shall continue to do our job despite assassination attempts. We shall not surrender to these terrorists and will continue supplying Dulston will it's medical needs. --Deathwire
April 24th, 2007 - While danger levels rise in Dulston, the D.I.T.P.S field team is engaged in the battle for Yagoton. For the past couple weeks they have been providing medical assistance to survivors besieged in the Whatmore NT building and around Bale Mall. The mall itself has changed hands numerous times. --John Harbor
April 6th, 2007 - Our ranks continue to swell as recruitment keeps going strong. The D.I.T.P.S field team has deployed to Chancelwood to assist with revive operations in the neighboring suburbs. --John Harbor
March 23rd, 2007 - Things are moving quickly as D.I.T.P.S recruitment has spiked over the past week. Persistent hard work and outreach is paying off. As a result, we're happy to announce that we'll be staffing St. Anacletus's Hospital as well. The D.I.T.P.S Field Team has be assigned to assist with the expansion, but if things keep going well the Field Team will be able to move out soon. --John Harbor
March 12th, 2007 - The D.I.T.P.S group page has been overhauled, which I must say blends the colours of purple and lighter purple nicely. Several new members have been brought in and business as usual continues. --Deathwire
March 7th, 2007 - The D.I.T.P.S has been offered to join the Dulston Alliance and we have accepted this great honor. The D.I.T.P.S continues to grow, its members continue to gain experience, and our great deeds for the suburb of Dulston will be long remember by its people. --Flyte
February 13th, 2007 - Dulston, normally being a quiet, peaceful neighborhood is now a suburb full of disaster. Zombies have plagued the northeastern corner of Dulston and many have fallen victim to their assaults. Even Treweeke Mall's entry point buildings have been overrun, bringing panic to many survivors in the greater Dulston area. The D.I.T.P.S, with what living members it has left, are working hard to hold their HQ and revive those who have fallen to the scourge. --Flyte
February 5th, 2007 - A new operation to begin recruiting new and experienced survivors of all kinds has begun in the suburb Rolt Heights. Two of our dedicated and great field team have set out to find new members and help bring medical aid to Rolt Heights. --Flyte
January 23rd, 2007 - The D.I.T.P.S is still continuing its operations in Pescodside and Dulston, but a couple field members have decided to move into Rolt Heights and check on the situation in that suburb. --Flyte
January 12th, 2007 - After several break-ins and general havoc, Anne General Hospital has managed to regain complete control of the situation. Several set backs have hurt our Pescodside operation though, but we shall perservere. --Deathwire
January 8th, 2007 - The D.I.T.P.S has been called upon by the Pescodside Defense Alliance (PDA) to assist them in reviving people and patrolling the nearby area of the Holt Building. Emergency personnel have been rallied together by Flyte in an effort to forge an alliance between the D.I.T.P.S and the PDA, but most of all to help the survivors of Malton! --Flyte
January 5th, 2007 - Our group forum is now ready and open to the public. There still may be editing going on within the forums, so bear with the Moderation crew in the meantime. The link to the forums is here. All D.I.T.P.S members are asked to register so you can participate in current group discussion. When new members join the forum they will not initially have access to the D.I.T.P.S main forum until I have promoted them, so please be patient. Anyone looking to join up, please follow the recruitment policy. --Flyte
January 3rd, 2007 - Hope everyone is recovering from New Years Eve and is enjoying a great new year overall. As of right now, Anne General Hospital is being maintained at VS+2 barricades, which is a great accomplishment since over-barricading is still a problem in Dulston. So all of the survivors without free running should find safety here at the hospital, so please head over there now if you are looking for somewhere to rest. Also, the D.I.T.P.S forum will be soon be operational. So stay tuned. --Flyte
December 31st, 2006 - Happy New Year everyone! Keep on fighting for peace in Malton! --Flyte
December 28th, 2006 - Rumors of a zombie assault on Dulston have shaken survivors resting in the Pegrum PD of late, but so far have not amounted to anymore than common feral zombies. Even so, zombies could still sweep through our streets like a fatal dark cloud, so stay alert. -- Sycerica
December 26th, 2006 - Well, yesterday was Christmas and I hope everyone had a great day and got everything that they wanted! I am still hearing rumors of zombies coming to Dulston, but nothing has been confirmed yet. Our group is still looking to join the Dulston Alliance and find more members. Please apply if you are interested we would be happy to have you. :) --Flyte
December 22nd, 2006 - Nott Auto Repair was broken into recently. Medical personnel, namely Flyte and Deathwire, were on-call to help the survivors inside. Deathwire healed and cured infections; while Flyte later healed the rest and barricaded the building with the little AP he had remaining. -- Flyte
December 17th, 2006 - Shacknews doesn't have plans to come to Dulston, but the RRF have made a post about peaceful suburbs and one of them that they mention is Dulston. We do not know when they will be coming, but we will certainly be prepared when they do. --Flyte
December 14th, 2006 - Seems that the zombies are all at Giddings Mall ransacking it now, heh. We have grown in size since our beginning and we wish to grow larger, so anyone interested please let one of us know! :) We are still holding up our hospital (although no one likes keeping it at only VS+2 barricades). --Flyte
December 11th, 2006 - Our group has just registered to protect and upkeep Anne General Hospital and we have also made it our main HQ. Any medical treatment that is needed in the area can be gained here. We will keep the barricades at VS+2 so anyone can enter. --Flyte
December 10th, 2006 - The raid is still just a rumor and the Dulston Alliance has advised everyone to believe what they want to, but not take everything they see posted in Treweeke Mall seriously yet. --Flyte
December 9th, 2006 - We are currently preparing for a zombie raid which has been rumored with upwards of 500+ zombies. Once this raid has ended and Dulston is in the survivor control again, we will find a main HQ to reside in. --Flyte
December 1st, 2006 - The Dulston Infection Treatment and Prevention Squad (D.I.T.P.S) is formed.