RRF/Malton Herald & Sun/BackupTalk

From The Urban Dead Wiki
Revision as of 00:42, 23 September 2010 by Dezonus (talk | contribs)
Jump to navigationJump to search

Recopy to original talk after moves are done.

Necrotech and Zombies Unlimited Press Release

As of April 1, 2007, Necrotech has initiated testing of a new "zombie socialization promoting pheromone". This scent attractant is particularly effective against the "young" zombies who have only been dead a short while. The pheromone causes those susceptible to gather in large, docile groups, where they are no danger to nearby survivors. The pheromone has a limited range (about as far as a zombie can travel in a day) and Necrotech has limited supplies and production capacity, though we are looking for ways to produce more.

As of May 1, 2007, Necrotech is proud to announce it's new partnership with Zombies Unlimited, initiated in an attempt to improve conditions for the survivors of the zombie outbreak in Malton. We will be providing this new technology free of charge to Zombies Unlimited, paying all production expenses out of our own pocket and forgoing any licensing fees. In exchange, Zombies Unlimited will (among other tasks) fly, land, and maintain drones planes, using them to emplace and maintain pheromone dispensers at certain key points in the city, in an effort to draw otherwise potentially dangerous predators to those areas and pacify them. The fact that this activity allows our employees (and hence the company and its properties) to benefit by studying a fairly "tame" mass of zombies is, of course, no sway on Necrotech's altruism. Designated target points for this effort are:

Wire Service

The Malton Associated Press, a (relatively) unbiased wire service serving the Malton area, has begun operations. Feel free to reprint stories. --Halocakes 22:41, 20 October 2006 (BST)

  • Update: For your convenience, a template has also been created that will place a list of the top headlines on your page. Insert {{MAP Current Top News Headlines}} in your wiki, and the most up-to-date headlines will be fed to your page. --Halocakes 16:40, 21 October 2006 (BST)

Archives

  • Below are the archives of past issues. Please limit the discussion to above this point. Thank you.

Note: Everything below will eventually be re-wikified into article format again, and added to the archive section in some distant future. We'll see when that happens though.--MHSstaff 22:11, 1 September 2009 (BST)

News In Brief

Excursion Destroys SW Malton

  • The RRF's Excursion has laid a path of destruction across Southwest Malton not seen in this area of town since the Big Bash. In a short period of time, the RRF has destroyed Marven Mall, South Blythville, Wykewood, Nixbank, Ruddlebank, Thompson Mall and Lockettside. While the elusive tanning bed has escaped the RRF, the horde has enjoyed Orange Juliuses in Marven Mall, ate Murray Jay's friends in Nixbank, ate the Fake RRF and saw a sneaky bastard in a C4NT van driving away from Thompson Mall to the Southeast....

GMT Breakfast Club Wins Special Olympics

  • It has, in fact, been so long since the last edition of the paper came out that we at the Malton Herald & Sun never got to tell you about the thrilling conclusion of the Ridleybank Special Olympics. After going back and forth for much of the month, the GMT Breakfast Club and Auxunit 10 raced down the wire, each group killing hundreds of harmanz throughout the month. However, as the Olympics came to a close, the GMT BC was victorious. When asked to comment about the victory, GMTer Pookie Romero commented, "Of course we won. We're quite good at killing people."

Mall Tour Rolls

  • After being held up at Stickling Mall for over a month, Mall Tour '07 has been chewing up malls and spitting them out in recent months. Recent victims include Dowdney Mall and Treweeke Mall. Right now the Mall Tour is in the process of destroying Giddings Mall. While their next target is classified information, there have been rumors swirling of the Mall Tour and the Excursion meeting at some point....

Militant Order of Barhah Forms

  • A new horde has arisen under the guidance of Jorm and the Barhah Brigade. The new Militant Order of Barhah has formed under the doctrine of Radical Barhah Fundamentalism. These fundies completely reject any revivification even for death culting and feel that a zombie is corrupt unless it owns Brain Rot. While their stances may seem controversial, no one can doubt the efficiency of this new horde as it has destroyed much of Northeast Malton in the last month.

The United Front of Zombie Propaganda

Special Olympics Update

  • In a stunning upset, RRF legend Papa Petro was defeated in the Pantless Exercises category by Gore Corps upstart Heiki. While many zombies debated whether Heiki's use of ping pong balls was acceptable under the rules of competition, Papa Petro put the event behind him by crushing the field in the Squaredancing Competition. Also, the Packers won the Intramural Football event, sweeping their way past Group H's vaulted defense; Brett Favre was the game's MVP. Several zombies were heard joking that the only championship the Packers could win this year would be against opponents that weren't living.
  • In the all-important group competition, Auxunit 10 and The GMT Breakfast Club have pulled away from the rest of the competition. At the time of publication AU10 had just taken a one point lead on the GMT's, 99-98.

Group 0 Descends on South Blythville

  • In an ambitious attack, Deathbymoshpit has lead the depleted population of the Group 0 horde into South Blythville and Marven Mall. While Mr. Moshpit has acknowledge that Group 0 is facing an uphill battle, he maintains that the horde shall grow and the harmanz of Southern Malton shall make an excellent meal.

Nichols Ransacked for Millionth Time

  • Gore Corps member Stray Zombie became the lucky winner of the Nichol's Mall "One Millionth Ransacker" contest. As he smashed through display cases and overturned fake plastic trees Ed McMahon and a camera crew showed up to give him his prize. Unfortunately Mr. Zombie did not get his award, as he ate Mr. McMahon before he was presented with the award.

Red Guards Eat Zombie Chicken

  • Beloved Gore Corps mascot Zombie Chicken disappeared early Tuesday morning only to have his bones found -- picked clean -- in the Red Guards' HQ. Theories as to why the Red Guards did such a thing range from a Lo Mein noodle surplus to an attempt to intimidate the Gore Corps for the Special Olympics. Red Guard King Romero I, though, offered a different explanation: "Dude, we're zombies, not college students. We don't just eat the same thing every day. Besides, we couldn't find Zombie Dauchsund."

Ruskies, Drago Occupy "Security Zone"

  • With the CMS and PTT both recently crumbling at the hands of zombies in Malton, the survivors have been looking for a new great hope. That hope may have come in the form of the USSR. While little is known about the group, they are every bit as annoying as either the PTT or the CMS and... they have Ivan Drago on their side. In a recent interview Mr. Drago told the Malton Herald & Sun, "You will lose... I cannot be defeated. No man can defeat me. I will fight real champion. If he dies, he dies... I must break you... To the end."

GMT Breakfast Club Takes Early Lead

  • With the Ridleybank Special Olympics underway (see below), the GMT Breakfast Club has jumped out to a quick lead in the team competition. There's still a long way to go before the team competition is over, and even the Malton Herald & Sun newsroom has been the seen of continuous smack talk between Executive Editor Murray Jay Suskind and Staff Writer Goolina.

Ridleybank Cub Scouts Formed

  • For those with a taste for brainz after work (or for those across the pond, before bedtime), the Ridleybank Cub Scouts just may be the strike team for you. Please submit all applications along with a bonewood derby racer to zosoxzepplinzfreak on the RRF Forums.

Shacknews Set to Retire

  • The juggernaut known as Shacknews is officially retiring from UrbanDead. In a period of just over two months, Shacknews lead the charge against the Blackmore Building, Barhah Mall, Stickling Mall and Giddings Mall amongst many other harman enclaves. With the most powerful of survivor strongholds all smashed and ranshacked, the horde had nothing left to prove and has moved onto Nexus War. We here at the Malton Herald & Sun, and everyone at the RRF wishes them the best of luck.

Giddings Falls

  • In the send-off party of the year, Shacknews and many other zombies (including the RRF) ranshacked one final target: The Giddings Mall. The battle was brief and saw a reappearance and another disappearance of the PTT. The brain buffet was massive and zombahz from all around Malton took part in the excellent sampling. However, there were some complaints of some of the brains tasting the exact same...

Barhah Mall Still Filled With Barhah

Other News Sources

  • The RRF is always open to other news sources, even ones that do not adequately cover the triumphs of the RRF due to unfounded perceptions of bias. Because of that, we have posted the Malton Associated Press headlines below.

Shearbank Renamed Shackbank

Stickling Mall Ransacked

  • Ding dong! The PTT's gone, the PTT's dead, the wicked PTT. Ding Dong! The PTT is deaaaad!

Mr. Whippey Tastes Gooooood

  • A contingent of ferals, RRF squads and the Shacknews horde have taken the Whippey Building in Shearbank, a critical Necrotech facility adjacent to Stickling Mall. With other Necrotech buildings being further away and hundreds of zombies smashing against the barricades daily, it's only a matter of time before Stickling Mall, and the PTT, the self confessed defenders of Shearbank, are undermined. Zombie morale in the area is reported to be high, but then when is it not? BARHAH!

Mascot Stolen

  • Unit pride and esprit de corps took a turn for the absurd on Friday, December 08, when the RRF Group H strike team, Auxunit 10, kidnapped the zombified mascot of Group 2(currently serving under the combined banner of the RRF’s Group 0), Pickles the Elephant. The inter-unit prank was spearheaded by Auxunit 10 member, pyromonkey, in order to add the putrefying pachyderm to the strike team’s already considerable menagerie of zombie-animal mascots. Immediately after his successful kidnapping, Pickles joined AU10 in their assault of the Nisbet building in southern Shearbank, apparently assaulting the harman barricades with great gusto. It remains to be seen whether Pickles will remain with his new caretakers or if the Group 0 strike teams will offer a counter to AU10’s jovial assault, inevitably plunging the RFF’s many units into a costly war of Mutually Assured Distraction (it is reported that the Gore Corps zombie chicken is already under extra guard, due to the Red Guards' desire to make Cashew Chicken brainz).

And The Blackmore Building is Toast! Again

  • With great heroism on both sides the Second Battle Over Blackmore is over the building is smashed and the party has begun. One particularly religious meal wrote "If there is a god, he has no power in Ridleybank..." on the wall before swan diving into the horde
  • This reporter managed to get in only hours ago but even then the situation was deeply hopeless, a growing number of 100 zombies vs a paltry shrinking 50, atlast the strain was to much, the final survivors, broken men, laid down their guns and were overtaken. The Malton Herald & Sun was on hand to hear a statment by Tenebrys who was heard to exclaim:
  • "No, there's no use in fleeing, I'll just stay here, I can't take it any longer!" Cockroaches every one of us, cockroaches! We have no place fighting them, only in hiding from them. I only wish my bretheren had understood they never did they kept coming back here! Now, we are crushed once more! I can't take it any longer! I'm not going to take it any longer!! This time, I'm never going back, I'm never going to be human again, I've... lost my faith in humanity! All of you here, those who still draw breath, I say this to you: All ye survivors, serve your god well if he ever decides to call our souls to him as he once did, he'll honor you. Until then, I offer my flesh to the hordes"
  • Tenebrys died shortly thereafter

Shacknews Levels Yagoton

  • Shacknews, the shining young zombie group that has taken Malton by storm, completely leveled Yagoton this week. Included amongst the ransacked ruins of the suburb were Bale Mall and the Yagoton Revivification Clinic. The latest intel indicates that Shacknews has moved onto Shearbank to take on arguably the most powerful survivor stronghold left in the city. It remains to be seen whether the PTT and company can hold out longer than Barhah Mall did.

Barhah Mall Still Ransacked

  • The efforts of the CRF and other ferals have left the Barhah Mall in a state of ransack for over two weeks. What was once the survivors' greatest beacon of harmanity is now nothing but smoldering ruins, occupied by only zombies. It truly is a beautiful sight to behold.

Caiger Resistance Front Formed

  • In the aftermath of the stunning collapse of Barhah Mall, a new zombie horde has formed, dedicated to keeping Barhah Mall out of harman hands. Formed largely from RRF alts, Rezzens members, Brainstock Members and Big Bash members, the Caiger Resistance Front is rapidly becoming a zombie horde in Malton on par with the RRF and even the massively destructive Shacknews horde. Formed by the striking Fidel Castro (who bears a striking resemblance to Papa Sonny), the CRF shall make sure that the Barhah Mall stays the Barhah Mall.

Game Stats in Balance, Survivors Throw Shitfit

  • With the revitalization of the RRF, sweeping success of Shacknews and the rise of the new CRF, a truly remarkable event is about to take place... actual game balance in UrbanDead.
  • This has not sat well with harmanz. "Come on! 50-50 balance between zombies and humans! That's not fair at all!" Exclaimed one distraught harman.
  • "If things keep going like this, there has to be a survivor walkout," explained a trenchcoater. "I mean, an even battle? That's just disgraceful."

Red Guards Threaten PTT For No Real Reason

  • Chairman Suskind of the Red Guards (Full Disclosure: This is the same Suskind that runs the Malton Herald & Sun) recently made some bold, saber rattling comments to the PTT. "Shearbank is rightly a part of greater Ridleybank. In fact, we do not officially acknowledge the existence of Shearbank. Any harmanz claiming that our land across the straights of Roachtown is a seperate suburb called 'Shearbank' will be re-educated in a most brutal fashion." While the comments are quite bold, analysts say they stem from a Maoist's natural rivalry with anything from Taiwan. The Red Guards are currently in Ridleybank and appear not to be making any serious moves to Shearbank.

Zombie Shot Twice in Head, Gets Mad

  • Bruno Tattaglia, a zombie shambling around the Blackmore Building, flew into a rage earlier today when he was headshot twice in one day. "Damnit! Now I have to stand up twice!" shouted Tattaglia. "I mean, I'm only gonna be able to attack with 38 ap tomorrow." When asked to describe his assailants, he simply said, "Uh... they were wearing trenchcoats. And one of them was carrying a sword for some reason."

Caiger Ransacked

  • In a building with infinitely more real worth and infinitely more symbolic value than the Blackmore Building ever will be, the harmanz have suffered perhaps their greatest defeat. Last night the Caiger Mall was ransacked due largely to the efforts of the Shacknews horde, but also due to considerable help from area ferals and a small RRF presense. In celebration there has been extensive partying, square dancing, BARHAH! and Appleflappin... whatever that is.

Caiger Re-Christened

  • In a brief cerimony on Friday morning attended by massive numbers of the Shacknews horde and various ferals, the RRF officially re-christened the Caiger Mall, Barhah Mall. The name is fitting, as this its fall exemplifies the single greatest moment of Barhah in Urban Dead history.

Ridleybank Attacked

  • Harman insurgents attacked bases and zombese offices in Ridleybank, in central Malton, and then dispersed throughout the city, reports say.
  • Heavily-armed insurgents fired shotguns, pistols and distress flares from the buildings and then briefly occupied several main buildings, residents told the Malton Herald and Sun. Ridleybank has been a zambah stronghold since the early outbreaks.
  • AU10 spokeswoman Strike Commander Elizabeth Vignelli told the Malton Sun & Herald that the militants had simply fired a hand held distress flare at a joint RRF/Feral Undead observation post at 0930 (0630 GMT). "As of 1400 (1100 GMT), there were no signs of any significant insurgent activity anywhere in the city. The surrounding buildings have been barricaded and the harmanz are free running back to their one defensive structure." SC Vignelli accused the militants of exaggerating the scale of the attack. "They're claiming that they have liberated Ridleybank! They're all holed up in one Necrotech facility! This is clearly a sign of how desperate insurgents have become."
  • With the sound of feeding groans echoing around the suburb, coupled with the sounds of small arms fire, the skirmishes appear to be dying down. "You only have to look at the sheer number of Comrades policing the streets to see how far their 'liberation' has actually got."

Blackmore Building Renamed "Green Zone"

  • At a short dedication ceremony on Wednesday, a number of harmanz triumphantly renamed the Blackmore Building the Green Zone. "This is our bastion of freedom in Ridleybank," said one survivor. "We have liberated this land." The occupiers of the Green Zone have been completely unable to secure the rest of the land they claim to have liberated, being subject to frequent, devastating attacks everywhere else in Ridleybank. "At least the Green Zone is secure... except for the occasional attack," confided another survivor.

ZK'ers Continue to Waste AP

  • Earlier this afternoon, undead residents of the Blackmore building and surrounding area noticed a suspicious zombie lurking around the premises, attacking other zombies and leaving them critically injured. The RRF constabulatory has tracked down the identity of this asailant through blood and tissue samples left at the scene. Thier name is One Angry Zed. When the constabulatory arrived at his last known whereabouts, he was nowhere to be seen. Be advised, this is one angry zed, and will attack without provocation. Members are instructed to use keep extreme caution when this zombie is spotted.

New Strike Team Formed

  • There has been an increasing presence of Maoist Red Guards in Ridleybank, striking in the early afternoon, GMT (morning in the States). They are noted for their ideological devotion and their ever-present copies of the Little Book of Barhah! The Malton Herald & Sun will continue to watch this team's development.

Barhahween Costume Contest Winners Announced

  • The RRF is proud to announce the following winners of the first ever Barhahween Costume Contest.
  • First Prize goes to the Herald & Sun's own Exham for his "French Maid"
  • Second Prize goes to Pyromonkey for his truly scary "Michael Jackson"
  • Third Prize goes to the Herald & Sun's own Murray Jay Suskind for his "Giant Centipede Trenchcoater Voodoo Doll"

ZK'ers Waste AP in Blackmore

Barhahween Tomorrow

'Tiz the hour for Barhahween
  • With the upcoming Barhahween festivities, the harmanz have grown increasingly confused as zeds have started shambling about Malton in various tattered Barhahween costumes. The harmanz may be confused, but the RRF knows exactly what they're doing and may come by to explain the holiday with a good ransacking or two.
  • Also upcoming is the RRF costume contest. Be sure to submit your costumes on the RRF Forums by the end of Barhahween for your chance to participate and win lame prizes!

All Quiet in Caiger, Latrobe Attack Repelled

  • After reports of over 70 zombies in the Latrobe Necrotech Building near Caiger Mall, the CMS demonstrated some of their legendary defensive prowess by clearing and rebarricading the building within an hour. While the RRF certainly lends its moral support to the Shacknews effort to plunder Caiger, we can't help but wonder our zombah comrades' eye sockets did not get too big for hole at the end of their esophaguses.
  • Almost immediately after the below post, our disgraced correspondent redeemed himself, calling the main H&S offices in Ridleybank. "Latrobe Building... Necrotech... Next to Caiger... Under attack! There are hundreds of them! Ahhhhh!!" From the sounds of it, Shacknews has struck next door to Caiger Mall as the initial blow of their attack. More to come.
  • 23 October -- The standard strike times of the Shacknews horde have passed without incident. A Malton Herald and Sun correspondent on scene says, "Things are a little quiet here. A little too quiet." He was fired on the spot for using such a horrible cliche. In other news, the Malton Herald & Sun is looking for a new Caiger Mall correspondent....

RRF Lays Waste to Central Malton

  • It's hard to imagine that a few weeks ago, Ridleybank was the only "red" neighborhood in Central Malton. With survivor resistance shattered and attempting to regroup before the "invasion" of November 5, the RRF has taken to cleaning up all of suburbs neighboring Ridleybank. Barricades lay smashed and most buildings are now ransacked in Pimbank, Roachtown, Stanbury Village, Roftwood, Barhahville, Galbraith Hills, Tollyton, Shackleville and Mockridge Heights. One zombie, surveying the scene from a hilltop, was heard to comment, "Wow! I haven't so much beautiful wreckage since Malton's last soccer riot!"

Caiger Mall Actually Threatened

  • With the ascendance of the zombie group Shacknews, the survivors' own eternal stronghold, the Caiger Mall is under genuine threat for the first time in months. When a Herald & Sun correspondent showed up on the scene, he thought the mall had already been overrun as it was filled with pale, misshapen bodies lurching about, but he was mistaken. "Oh, that's just the Rickets," explained one CMS member, "some of us haven't been outside in over a year. Hey can you see anywhere that I can add to the 'cades?" When asked about the specific threat of the Shacknews horde another survivor commented, "I Robocade X394P2392ZX1. Insert plastic tree."

Barhahween is coming...

  • With the ransack of Tynte Mall and its famous costume shop, the RRF has decided to hold its first ever Barhahween costume contest. The rules are simple: tell us what your Barhahween costume is (zombie werewolf, zombie vampire, etc.) and describe it in your UD profile. Link that profile to the RRF's message boards and the War Council will judge who has the best costume in various categories.
  • While the ultimate determinations will be made by the written description in your UD profile, it cannot hurt (and it will certainly be more fun) if you include a picture, drawing or photoshop of your idea while posting your submission. Also, there will be a few lame prizes awarded (special RRF forum titles! Special signature pics! Mention in the Malton Herald & Sun!) because we at the War Council are cheap and don't want to buy a nice prize and pay for postage to ship it.
  • Categories include: Best Trenchcoater, Most Sexy, Most Disturbing, Funniest, Most Bizzare, Best Caricature, Best Overall
  • All submissions must be made by midnight GMT Barhahween (October 31st) with the winner announced shortly thereafter.

Anti-Caiger Falls

  • The RRF followed-up their victory in Blackmore with a convincing rout of the Anti-Caiger Mall. The zombies were overhead groaning "Barhah" and talking about how their new opponent was much less up for a fight than the Blackmore Bastard Brigade. However, this is another definite feather in the RRF cap. The harmanz of Malton need to look out, because the RRF is back and firing on all cylinders.

Blackmore Falls

  • The RRF with considerable help from Shacknews (a shining new Zombie group), Feral Undead and Red Rum finally crushed the resistance at the Blackmore Building. It should be noted that victory wouldn't have been possible without these groups and the RRF sincerely thanks them. At the same time it was a member of the RRF that scored the final ransack, fittingly defending the Zombie homeland. While Shacknews has followed the Blackmore Bastard Brigade to the Ackland Mall, the RRF has decided to let the Bastards regroup after an excellent battle and are currently tearing apart the Anti-Caiger Mall (aka Tynte Mall).
  • Look for a full report later in the week.

Barhahween Coming

  • The RRF is preparing to bring Barhahween to Malton. This holiday is very similar to the only enjoyable harman holiday of "Halloween." On October 31st, look for zombies dressed up as other "monsters" to lurch up to neighborhood barricades, knock, and groan "trick or treat" in their native tongue.

Unlifestyles

New Heights in Trenchcoatery

  • By Murray Jay Suskind

Across Malton there are survivors wielding usless Katanas, automatic rifles without ammo, scars too numerous to count, staring off into the distance and, of course, wearing trenchcoats. However, there is a sense of restlessness within Malton's trenchcoating community. It hasn't been as fun for them to ignore crumbling barricades and fellow survivors in need of a revive in order to shoot zombies outside -- no, there is a movement afoot to create a whole new generation of cliches for the benefit of future trenchcoaters.

Photo courtesy of Red Rum.

"Well, some of the modifications we're attempting to implement are quite obvious," said Captain Rodgers 31. "For instance, camouflage. That's a really obvious thing for us to be wearing under our trenchcoats. Also, the cargo pants give us plenty of room to stuff the never-ending supply of shotguns we have because, of course, we carry nothing else."

However, some trenchcoaters have come up with quasi-creative ways of embarrassing themselves and making survivors look bad. "I'm not going to rest until every last zombie in Malton is dead," explains paulssj58902802843. "That's why I've taken up Falconry. Just imagine how scared those stupid-ass zeds are going to be when they see a Falcon swooping over their heads!"

Some ideas, are just lame extensions of already terrible ideas constantly advanced by the trenchcoaters of Malton. "I'm a ninja!" exclaimed Michaelangelo42. "I am a master of the Katana and can take a zombie's head off in one swift kick!" After our intrepid reporter vomited, Michaelangelo42 started another bout by saying, "I've also got a bunch of shirukens!"

When asked to explain the general phenomena of trenchcoating, Dr. Jennifer Miles of a local psychiatric hospital said, "Well, a lot of these people were around before the zombie apocalypse. They sat around in their basements playing computer games non-stop and fancied themselves to be total badasses. After the undead started walking, instead of contributing to survivor efforts in any meaningful way, they started carrying a bunch of ornamental weapons they had no idea how to use and just shot a bunch of zombies in the streets instead of protecting what the survivors had or taking back ransacked buildings."

When asked to rebut these charges, Rodgers said, "Whatever. The zombies are totally scared when I come walking up to them. Just check out this blood spattered shirt and these grime-covered combat boots."

Trend Watch

  • Harman Pez Dispensers
  • By Murray Jay Suskind

As the RRF shambles around South Blythville, there have been more and more zombies carrying around harmanz with their necks slashed open, frequently pushing their head back and taking a small chunk of brainz out through the neck. This gruesome yet delicious treatment of survivors has been dubbed, “The harman pez dispenser.”

One of the trendy new items.

“It’s almost as much a fashion statement then anything else,” explains RRF fashion expert Goolina. “Like our refusal to wear pants, our mad squaredancing and our propaganda posters, the harman pez dispensers just make us look cool.”

However, appearances may not be the only factor at work. According to Zahgmahnd Freud, an expert in zombie psychology, the harman pez dispensers may also be used in zombie courtship rituals. “The zombie male rips open the throat of its victim and woos his mate by presenting her with this convenient brain dispensing conveyance. It’s a display of strength as well as an indication that he’s able to provide for the female zombie and any potential baby zombies.”

This new practice does have some detractors, though. A Malton Ranger, who wished to remain anonymous, felt that ripping open the throat left too many lingering effects. “I mean... even... after a revive... your throat... really... really... really... hurts.”

Dr. Freud understands the lingering effects. “Well, revivification does wonders in repairing damage done by various wounds and healing the human brain. However, the violent ripping open of their throats leaves extensive scarring that no amount of revivification can remove.”

Members of the GMT Breakfast Club have been amongst the biggest fans of the harman pez dispensers, ripping open the throats of over ten harmanz a day to provide a sweet snack after finishing the main course of their breakfast.

Additionally, Auxunit 10 has made a business of selling harman pez dispensers to zombies who may have a difficult time procuring their own harmanz. “Well, we tear down barricades, tear open harmanz, and give to the younglings of the horde,” said AU10 strike leader Talunex. “It’s our way of giving them a fun little treat.”

The Ranger, however, hopes that this trend comes to an end. “Seriously... stop... it really... hurts... god-ah!... goddamn-ah!... goddamnit. If... this... keeps... going... we’ll... end up... talking... like... you guys.”

Veal Brainz: Cruel Practice or Nice Meal?

Known for being a flavorful and tender delicacy, Veal Brainz have been part of the zombie diet in Malton since the beginning of the outbreak. However, a new movement lead by “Harmane Treatment for Harmanz” is decrying the practice of raising and eating the popular dish.

Harm for Harmanz spokesperson Mrh? Gangbang! asserted, “These sadistic harman ranchers immobilize their own babies inside of Malls, force feeding them Sbarro Pizza, Panda Express and Orange Julius until they’re ready to burst. A diet of fully grown, free range harmanz is available all over Malton, so why do we continue to eat their young?”

The controversial foodstuft.

RRF member and chili afficionado Braggledorth begs to differ. “Veal brainz are the perfect compliment to the four different peppers that I use in my chili. We are zombies following our nature, which is to eat brainz. Whether those brainz come from babies or adults, free-range or cage/mall-fed, they nourish the decaying corpse.”

With the recent restoration of the harman population to Caiger Mall, veal brainz production has skyrocketed. A visit to Caiger revealed harmanz packed so tightly into the building that they are unable to lay down. Muscles – with the exception of trigger and needle fingers – are completely atrophied from lack of use. Bones are misshapen from lack of sunlight. Waste is cleaned by hosing down the floors of the mall once a week.

These practices begin from harman birth when most harman babies are contained in the mall food court and begin feeding on nothing but powdered milk and low grade cheese used by food court eateries.

“Sure, zombies love to eat brainz, but don’t want to see how they’re made,” says Bale Mall head rancher Jack McPherson. “I’m not claiming that this a clean business. But at the same time, most all these babies want to do is eat.”

It is at infancy that many zombies insist that the flavor and texture of the brains reach their greatest potential. The product isn’t corrupted by the excessive and bitter synapses that exist in adolescent brainz or the tough, rubbery texture of adult brainz.

“We need to understand the cost of our habits,” Gangbang! explains. “I’m not saying that we need to stop eating brainz altogether, but there are so many free-range harmanz that run between buildings and actually have higher quality and higher yield brainz. I just don’t see why we can’t satisfy our brainlust with those.”

However, Braggledorth has a rebuttal: “Free range brainz are excellent after they’re rubbed, smoked and covered with barbeque sauce before serving. However, we zombies need a little variety. Whether it be chili con brainz, harmanbargars, or some nice medulla oblongatas on the half skull we need to have a little spice in our diet.”

Perhaps McPherson put it best when he said, “as long as there are zeds smashing at the cades, I’ll have some harman calves waiting for them. Better them than me.”

Zombah Love

  • Editor's Note: This was originally a Q&A session given by Goolina and Stray Zombie at the Quartly Library.

MoreThanDork: "Undead love? You've found undead love? As a zombie I found this near impossible as everyone time I feel for a fellow zombie, they turned out to be my own sex... And kissing with no lips is really awkward. How do you express your love for one another? And how did you meet? I frequent all the zombie hang outs but it's always crammed full of guys trying to get some quick satisfaction. No zombie I know has shown the patience for an extended relationship. My greatest love, Marte the Moocher, is always wandering off on me. It seems the groaner is always meatier on the other side of the street"

Goolina: "Well since we play as death cultists, we tend to stay fresher than the average zambah. Thus, we have full use of our lips and um other parts. Also, we were a genuine couple before he started playing, so you can say I lured him into the undead world and on to my strike team. There's something sexy about a woman who's not afraid to take command, if you get what I'm saying."

Sir Fred of Etruria: "But how do zombies couples look out for each other ? How do zombies pine for each other ? I wish I could recognize a zombie from more than a block away ! Through familiarity I should gain the ability to recognize the feeding groans of my beloved undead...but alas, cupid seldom visits Roftwood. And when he does his arrows yield not amorous intentions, but instead zombie incursions. The tangling grasp yields more tenderness than any zurvivors greetings, and an axe expresses more succinctly than any word whose true meaning is fleeting. For only through the cold machinations of a powered cell phone tower can I contact my distant librarians, whereas the zombies sense of smell will always reveal fellow companions"

Goolina: "StrayZombie and I watch each other's backs. Remember the thunderous cockslap he gave DHS? That's just one of the many examples of his manly protectiveness."

StrayZombie: "I wanted him to feel my Thunderous Cockslap, no one messes with my woman, whether undead or not."

Goolina: "Just like I feel his thunderous cockslap, though in a totally loving and consensual way of course. Yes, Virginia, there IS undead sex. And it doesn't consist of lying there with your eyes closed, waiting for it to be over."

StrayZombie: "But there is a lot of moaning and feeding groans, so it makes it really hot."

Goolina: "Though truth be told, StrayZombie, you're not one to share this hot dish with the rest of the horde. He doesn't mind the occasional zambah girl dropping by for a little menage, but other than that it's a totally monogamous undead relationship."

StrayZombie: "Yeah, I'm waiting for that little red headed undead girl you mentioned to wander back to Ridleybank."

Goolina: "Oh my *fans self briskly* it's getting a little hot in here, isn't it? Perhaps we should retire to a cool, dark spot to lie down a bit? What say you, StrayZombie?"

StrayZombie: "Any spot you choose is fine with me, barbah."

Mistakes Were Made!

The Malton Herald & Sun is proud to syndicate the UrbanDead inspired comic "Mistakes Were Made!" by BigJ. The MH&S will syndicate the series in order, but to see BigJ's latest work, be sure to visit The Comic's Homepage.

20061226.gif

20061229.gif

Excursion II: Son of Excursion

Deep Movie Voice In a world where zombies have pasty, rotting skin; the tanning bed is king.

Zombie Gah mah dannan bahd!

Deep Movie Voice But this quest for a tanning bed is no ordinary quest for a tanning bed.

Younger Zombie ! anna ahgzarzahn!

Deep Movie Voice Now playing in South Blythville....

Zombie Banana Gangbang!

Deep Movie Voice The movie AND tanning event of the century.

Younger Zombie ! zee dahd harmanz!

Deep Movie Voice Excursion II: Son of Excursion. Rated R.

RRF Anthem

Here is where you can find the official anthem of the RRF (click on the "re your brains" link to hear it).

Also there is an amusing YouTube video for the song made by someone with even more time on their hands than our Executive Editor.

24 Hours of Pure Barhah

Blackmore and Nichols ransacked on the eve of Barhahgiving

A day to truly give Barhah for all of our gifts.

The survivor efforts at the Blackmore Building and Nichols Mall, as well as the entire 5th of November incursion were utterly smashed at the hands of the RRF, Minions of the Apocalypse, Feral Undead and other zombie allies. What's more remarkable is that this sea-change took place in less than 24 hours.

While many survivors claim the brief occupation worked to de-mythologize the RRF, the fact that this incursion lasted for a much shorter time than the first Battle of Blackmore as well as the fact that the Shacknews horde was not needed to rid the zombie homeland of this plague is indicative of an RRF Renaissance. The power of the Group 0 and Group H hordes was prominently displayed and the RRF's strike teams showed a great level of coordination in bringing down both Blackmore and Nichols.

The combined might of the 5th of November coaltion, the NMC and the PTT were not enough to hold off the RRF and their allies.

With the RRF resurrgent and hundreds of harmanz desperately fleeing Ridleybank, various aspects of the RRF have undertaken new projects.

"I want all of central Malton leveled," Papa Patrucio was overheard as saying. "We need to round up and get rid of any harman presence remaining anywhere near our homeland."

In addition, Group 0 has regrouped under the new leadership of the Malton Herald & Sun's own Deathbymoshpit. Mr. Moshpit was unavailable to comment on his current plans, but is currently rumored to still be in central Malton.

Finally, Murray Jay Suskind, the leader of the Red Guards, ramped up his rhetoric to the denziens of Shearbank. "The KMT must be smashed! The citizens of this so-called Shearbank re-educated! We shall march through Stickling Mall victorious!

Ridleybank Special Olympics Commence

By Murray Jay Suskind

In fields across Malton, a grand new tradition has begun: The Ridleybank Special Olympics. RRF zombies have gathered to compete in a variety of events throughout the month of January in an inspiring display of zombie will, skill and determination.

For instance, there is the story of Red Guard Roddy A, who grew up in a small Chinese village without running water and didn't have his brains eaten until the age of 24. Despite such adversity, he now holds a gold brain for possessing the fastest feeding drag in the RRF.

Other winners include Braggledorth of Auxunit 10 for the most vicious ransack and Morificant of the GMT Breakfast Club for the 100 yard lurch and the title of fastest zombie in Malton.

However, the crown jewel of the Special Olympics has to be the group competition to see which Group or Strike Team can score the most kills and ransacks. The trash talk has already commenced.

"We're quite good at killing people," explains hairyjim of the GMT Breakfast Club. "It's what we're best at, and it's a mere formality before we're crowned the champions."

Faster. Higher. Stronger... French?

This view is disputed by the leader of almost every other group. "Group 0 levels entire suburbs at a time. The only thing that could stop us from winning this is getting our zombahz to actually post their kills on the forums," said Group 0 leader deathbymoshpit.

Goolina couldn't help but voice support for her death cultists in the Gore Corps. "Our members kill at rates equal to the harmanz, because we're frequently harmanz ourselves. Other groups may have the hype, but we all know who will pull out the victory."

According to Red Guards leader Murray Jay Suskind, "Re-education of the harmanz is the ultimate goal of the Red Guards. Fortunately the beneficient re-education process will gain us ever more glory in these events. All of the harmanz in Malton shall tremble before our Little Books of Barhah and our gold brainz."

Also not to be discounted are the Packers, guided by Papa Patrucio himself, the new Ridleybank Cub Scouts, the ransack machines of Auxunit 10 as well as the veterans of a certain strike team that may not actually exist.

One thing is for certain, though; a lot of Barhah will be brought to Malton in pursuit of the gold brainz.

Group 0 Changing Hands

For the past months, Group 0 has been led fearlessly by resident brain enthusiast Droggog. His campaign led to memorable sieges on Tynte Mall, St Matthew's Cathedral, and many other (formerly) well defended Police Departments and Nerotech offices. Under his command, he led group 0 to new level of feasting and dismemberment; prosperous times for the RRF

However, as of earlier this week, the fearless leader stepped down from his comfortable position to pursue other matters close to the horde, leaving his former capo, Deathbymoshpit, who is actually superhero Reed Richards (A.K.A. Mr. Fantastic) of the Fantastic Four, in charge of running the ever-growing horde.

“This is a great experience, I’m glad I finally have the chance to…..brrrraaaaaaaaiiiiinnnnnssss….sorry…force of habit. I’m glad I finally have the chance to lead a formidable section of the horde”, says the newly appointed leader. He promptly lead Group 0 during the ransacking of both Blackmore and Nichols.

When asked about his commitment to the Malton Herald and Sun, Richards replied, “This will only help my journalism. I now have ample opportunity to head where the stories are. ‘Join the RRF! Meet lots of interesting people…and eat them’ couldn’t apply better to this situation. As we move away from home, I’ll be able to interview our brethren fighting far from home, and have the opportunity to take photographic evidence of our horde's continued prevalence in Malton.”

With the aid of a superhero at the helm, the future for Group 0 can only be full of bloodbaths, raids, and a good barhah for all. All devoted Group 0 followers are advised to watch thier forum thread closely for updates, objectives, and parties.

Sweet Zombie Dreams

Whilst Malton's struggle rages on, a solitary zombie sways in dreamlike slumber.

Part II in a serial

By Olam

This evening our dreamer is a professional zombie speaker, a scholar through and through. He has read Plato, he has studied Nietzche and, if he says so himself, he's damn good at this speaking lark.

Zombie Speaker finds himself at a stand, to his right is a composed, relaxed human and in front is an audience comprised of both zombie and humans, all watching the discussion eagerly.

Eagerly, for today they are to decide who has won, the humans or the zombies. The human made his case:

"Friends, enemies and those in between, I declare humanity the victor for, although we have lost several strongholds, we have since reclaimed them. The zombies may have bulldozed that which we built and shattered our numbers, but they cannot stay - they may destroy us, but we live on - and once they go we return, surely our perserverence is the key? Surely we are the victors. Our buildings are gone, but the survivors are not."

The screen left the human, whose arms were left victoriously high, and focused instead on Zombie Speaker:

"I dare not suggest that humans are not perseverant, that is shown more or less in their choice of choosing to attack the same building twice, but I do suggest that in fact zombies are the victor. We have razed their foundations to the ground, answered their brags with roars and hit back against the legions of trenchcoaters, firemen, military SAS and whatever other stereotype the humans like to portray themselves as. They might very well reclaim their buildings, but it does not take us long to stand up and take them back again. They live in fear of us, we do not live in fear of them. Why else would they barricade their buildings in the first place?"

At this point our lone zombie wakes up, returning to his life as a simple zombie man - certainly no public speaker. As he descends upon a mall's broken barricades, he truly wonders whether the word 'victory' has any meaning in Malton. Surely, if any side could 'win', the other would 'lose'? Yet both sides remain adamant that they have in fact won, and neither side has left the game completely.

The doubts seem to subside when our lone zombie makes his first kill of the morning.

Editor's Note: This is the first serial story to run in the Malton Herald & Sun by our very own Olam.

Sweet Zombie Dreams

  • Whilst Malton's struggle rages on, a solitary zombie sways in dreamlike slumber.

By Olam

And what does our dreamer see today? This day he is Zombie Special Op, a highly trained, highly competent zombie assassin designed to combat and destroy the masses of enemies who hunt his kind down. Outnumbered, outgunned, with all odds against him, what chance does Zombie Special Op have? In a city where every enemy is an expert shopper, scientist and soldier all in one, how can a lone zombie turn the tide?

Zombie Special Op is infiltrating a Necrotech building, inside are hundreds of humans huddled together, the smell of excrement and body odour permeates the air, so much so that Zombie Special Op is forced to pull off his nose and deposit it safely in his pocket. Zombie Special Op finds the radio transmitter, which is barely visible for the crowd of humans who, for the most part, are so numerous they are unable to breathe. Zombie Special Op heads for the transmitter, which is broadcasting the important: "ZOMBIES SMELL!!! I HAVE A BIGGUN! I'M CLASSY!!" a sentence that humans are willing to fight for, to protect the brave transmitters and their useful banter. Zombie Special Op terminates the broadcast and instantly meets the attention of those around him.

Zombie Special Op absorbs the bullets, feeling a certain familiarity with them. Though there are only two people awake, they are, despite the hundreds in their way and the excrement stuck to their faces, quite capable of pulling a trigger and shouting conceited phrases. Zombie Special Op manages to maul them back but, horror, Zombie Special Op is headshot and collapses.

Surely this is the end for Zombie Special Op?! But no. Several hours later the humans still have difficulty dumping the body outside, after all, there's over two hundred sleeping people in their way. Zombie Special Op manages to stand up again before being dumped, realising that all it'd take to remove the enemy is a single bomb - after all, they're all in the same place, more or less unable to move.

At this point our lone zombie wakes up, returning to his life as a simple zombie man - certainly no special operative. He throws himself against the barricades to the Necrotech building, the stench is truly greater from within.

Harmanz Take One Building, Claim Victory

By Murray Jay Suskind

Recently, harmanz have again taken hold of the purely symbolic stronghold of the Blackmore Building. Blackmore fell on November 6, 2006, one day later than the claimed survivor "liberation" of Ridleybank.

"Truly all of Ridleybank is now liberated, right on time, too," commented one survivor. "This one building, and it is a fine building at that, encompasses the entirety of Ridleybank. The entire suburb is now liberated!"

We always thought that harmanz were supposed to able to read...

In fact, the stated goal of the 5th of November "liberation" is, according to Codename V: "The 5th day of the Holy Roman month of April, I decree that in seven months time we converge on Ridleybank, our true home, and we take back what we have lost."

With the harman occupation of the Blackmore Building, now all of Ridleybank has been symbolically occupied by harmanz who would take the rest of Ridleybank, if, well, they were able to.

"Sure the Zombies are constantly taking down Acourt, Aldabert and Blomfield Grove. But the true victory is this one building." The survivor further explained, "After all, if 200 humans can successfully defend a single Necrotech building, then the entire 100 block suburb has achieved freedom."

The change of the harman scope has gotten to the point, where the original plans of harman occupation of all of Ridleybank has been scaled back to the much more modest, "Second Battle of Blackmore."

According to Dr. Groan Chomsky, professor of Zombie Linguistics at the Malton Institute of Technology. "This is typical harman behavior. They come up with grandiose plans, coordinate dozens of groups against the RRF and feel that holding onto one building is an accomplishment."

"It's really kind of sad," he added.

One anonymous War Consigliere of the RRF further expounded upon the point. "I guess Blackmore is a small loss, tactically. Although, I did ransack Moggridge Place Police Department today. It was really quite easy."

However, this has not stopped the harmanz ecstacy. One piece of graffiti even exclaimed, "Blackmore -- err Ridleybank is completely broken!"

"It's just indicative of the harman mindset," Dr. Chomsky concluded. "A minor, purely symbolic victory is the same thing as a decisive, crushing victory in their delicious brains."

Zombie Looks to Win Congressional Race

By Murray Jay Suskind

New Mexico's fourth Congressional district is noted for its striking desert scenery, majestic mountains and its long border with Mexico. And it shall soon be known for something else, electing only the 42nd zombah to the United States House of Representatives.

Bra!nz! stares at Miller's head during a recent debate.

Grragh Barhah! Bra!nz! currently holds a commanding 73%-19% lead over his opponent, Andrew Miller, in their race for the open seat. Right now Mr. Bra!nz!'s platform seems to largely revolve around bringing competent leadership to Washington, DC.

"When I asked him how we were going to resolve the situation in Iraq, he talked about getting more brains," explained prospective voter Tami Sanderson. "I think it's so refreshing to hear someone talk about bringing intelligent leadership to Washington."

This doesn't sit well with Mr. Miller, though. "All he does is bellow 'more brains!' More brains is not a platform and it is not an option! He's also not doing enough to keep the foreigners out of our country."

In fact, Mr. Bra!nz!'s stance on immigration has not been an impediment to his juggernaut candidacy, even though he controversially started tearing into a section of border fence on a campaign visit. When asked about the border fence, Mr. Bra!nz! was quite passionate, shouting, "Rahm urr barr!cahds!"

Furthermore, while Mr. Miller has tried to paint Mr. Bra!nz! as a liberal out of touch with Southwestern US values, Mr. Bra!nz! has been able to counter these charges with tough law and order stances. When asked about the death penalty, Mr. Bra!nz! enthusiastically said, "Kill harmanz! Kill harmanz!"

In addition to his stances on the issues issues, Mr. Bra!nz! seems to have something else over Mr. Miller: personality.

"I'm sorry, but Andrew Miller is just a boring, politics-as-usual kind of guy," explained Bra!nz! for Congress spokeswoman Jennifer Reed. "He doesn't have the charisma, the energy or the youthful appearence of Grragh Barhah! Bra!nz!."

This personality has animated itself in many ways. Bra!nz! will playfully bite babies, grasp people he meets by the shoulders and brings them in for "Bra!nz! hug," and let out loud, threatening groans when he enters a room full of people. This is directly contrasted by Mr. Miller who is considered by some to be distant, aloof and uncomfortable around harmanz.

Perhaps it was summed up best by Caledonia resident Barney Peterson when he said, "Frankly, I thought it was this Miller fellow who wasn't even alive."

C4NT "Arrogant and Stupid" in Ridleybank

By Talunex

C4NT 'Arrogant And Stupid' In Ridleybank

A senior Channel 4 News Team official has said that the C4NT has shown "arrogance and stupidity" in Ridleybank. The anonymous source has made the remarks during an interview with Talunex for the Malton Herald And Sun.

The C4NT says our source was quoted incorrectly - the Malton Herald And Sun experts say this senior official did indeed use those words. It comes after Ron Burgundy discussed changing tactics with top C4NT commanders to try to combat the unrest and subsequent beatings at the hand of the Ridleybank Resistance Front, Red Rum, The Feral Undead and the juggernaut known as ShackNews.

The senior source, a fluent zombese-speaker, who is director of public diplomacy in the C4NT'S Bureau of Central Malton Affairs, told the Malton Herald And Sun that the world was "witnessing failure in Ridleybank and Malton as a whole. That's not the failure of the C4NT alone, but it is a disaster for the region," he said. "I think there is great room for strong criticism, because without doubt, there was arrogance and stupidity by the by the C4NT and The Blackmore Bastard Brigade."

He also said that the C4NT was now willing to speak to any survivor group in an effort to reduce the bloodshed at the hands of the rejuvenated zombie hordes. "We are open to dialogue because we all know that, at the end of the day, the solution to the hell and the killings in Malton is linked to an effective Malton reconciliation. We must open dialogue to stop these maurading gangs of zombies before they're smashing our strongholds and ripping the flesh from our bones"

However, another C4NT spokesman Champ Kind said: "What he [name witheld] says is that it is not an accurate quote." Mr Kind also denied that the C4NT had been guilty of arrogance or stupidity saying that history would be the judge of C4NT actions in Ridleybank.

Mr Burgundy held a video conference on the new measures with top C4NT military commanders in Ackland Mall on Saturday against the backdrop of more survivor losses in Ridleybank and the surrounding suburbs - 7800 so far this month.

A new poll suggests two-thirds of Maltonians believe the C4NT is losing the war in Ridleybank and Malton as a whole, a proportion which analysts says could translate into a drubbing at the malls for Mr Burgundy's Channel 4 News Team in the upcoming 'Second Battle Of Blackmore.'

The Malton Herald And Sun's Murray Jay Suskind in Ridleybank says that while there is no official change in C4NT strategy, change is on everyone's lips.

But another report from the Zombie News Network (ZNN) stated that officials are drawing up a timetable for the C4NT to improve security. This has been denied by both Mr Burgundy C4NT officials.

On Sunday funerals were taking place for 17 people killed in an AU10 raid on Woodroffe Mall. Local survivor groups were quite vocal in their opinion that no exit strategy exists and that they've been abandoned by the Channel Four News Team in what appears to be their darkest hour.


Better Know A Horde

Group 0

Well, we've covered a lot of strike teams in our time at the Malton Herald & Sun, but what about the greater horde? Those shambling zombies who crack open buildings and groan to alert other zombies. Those zombies who level entire suburbs at a time. Who is it that leads them? Good question, and it leads us to Part 1 in our one part series, "Better Know a Horde."

Group 0: The Fightin' Group! Shambling through Malton one suburb at a time, this group has always struck terror into the hearts of harmanz. And despite a recent downturn in horde numbers, it's thriving again under Excursion II: Son of Excursion. And who leads this horde? Well, it's none other than the Malton Herald & Sun's own Deathbymoshpit. We recently had a chance to sit down with Mr. Moshpit in South Blythville. Here's what he had to say.

MH&S:You've been tasked to carry on the tradition of the RRF's great roving horde. What are your goals for Group 0?

DBM: Well I don’t know how good a job I could have been doing if since my ‘coup des grace’ , the numbers in Group 0 fell to an all-time low. But this is good. Now I can rebuild the horde in my own demented image. No sympathy, no limits, no stopping us. I plan to rebuild faith in the horde. We have a history of being the mob mentality of the RRF, and I plan to use that effectively to tear Malton apart.

MH&S:The rise and fall of Shacknews has reinforced a trend amongst zombies to be more and more organized. How has this impacted the life of the shambling horde?

DBM: Well the horde has always had rudimentary organization. We work on a freedom basis. The leader would suggest the most palpable targets for the horde to attack, but the ferals were always free to post their own finds. But I believe organization is the key now more than ever with the arduous task ahead of rebuilding the horde.

MH&S:It has been established that you are a Canadian. How does your corpse not freeze solid during the long winter months, eh?

DBM: It has a lot to do with the Canadian beer. Little known fact: Canadian beer actually contains trace amounts of anti-freeze, so we can stand the cold winters. And in death that helps a lot. Though congealed, the anti-freeze must have seeped into my putrid flesh by now, so its win-win. While the rest of the horde will freeze, the Canadians can run the show. We’ve adapted.

MH&S: Wow. Sounds even more fun than Chinese formaldahyde beer. You are known to be quite the zombie photographer. Do you have any favorite works you wish to share with us?

DBM: Nothing at the moment. Been too busy with the University shite to have any fun with the photoshop. Hmm. I did have some ideas in mind. I should really have something out soon which I was thinking aboutaround Barhahmas.

MH&S: You are known as one of the more firey and passionate leaders of the RRF. Where did this great passion for destroying harmanity come from?

'DBM: I believe it all started when I was a youngling, and had all the hopes and dreams of the world on my back. Then I moved into the real world and found everything to be a lie. Everything I was taught, everything I was told to believe in, it’s all a false charade. Because harmanity insists on perpetuating this lie, and does not instil the truth in us from a young age, I have made it my task…nay…my DUTY to exterminate them from the face of this planet. That is why I offered my soul to the undead. They never lied to me, they never sent me on tasks I could never achieve; that I was doomed to fail in. Only when I embraced the cold clutches of the grave did I realize the full extent of the misery the fleshies exist in.

Also, I attribute my fireyness to the music I listen to while travelling around town. Nothing makes harmans taste better than listening to some Dark Funeral, Naglfar, or Emperor. Of course, Cannibal Corpse and White Zombie add some nice imagery to the situation. I tend to switch over to those during mall sieges. So anyone who’s near Marven Mall in South Blythville, just follow the distant sounds of Cannibal Corpse classics such as “Under the Rotted Flesh”, “Scattered Remains, Splattered Brains”, and my personal favourite “Unleashing the Bloodthirsty”. Oh, and one more thing, heavy metal doesn’t encourage the violence; it enhances it.

MH&S: Wholeheartedly agreed. Final question... Papa Patrucio: Great Papa or Greatest Papa?

DBM: Well what defines the quality of greatness? Who is to decide what elevates one leader above another? Where are the praises of all the former leaders who led us to victory? Am I just asking questions to avoid giving a straight answer? The answer to these questions and more…the next time I’m interviewed.

As always my children, in the words of the almighty Manowar, Hail and Kill….

Better Know A Papa

Papa Sonny

By Murray Jay Suskind

Papa Sonny

What happens when you up the cheesy 80's comedy My Two Dads? Well, you get the RRF with a whopping three Papas. The Malton Herald & Sun is very aware of the horde's glorious past, and in the interests of educating some of our younger members, we wish to bring you a bit of our glorious history. Hence, Better Know a Papa. And who is the first subject in this feature?

Well, it's Papa Sonny, of course. The Fightin' Sonny! Originally a harman, Sonny worked his way through the ranks of the RRF to succeed the legendary Papa Petro. Under his firey brand of leadership, Papa Sonny led the RRF through the original excursion, oversaw the original zombie renaissance and made a lot of enemies.  :)

We recently had a chance to sit down with Papa Sonny, here's what he had to say.

MH&S: Your time as Papa immediately preceeded my personal experience with the RRF. What would you say were the high and low points of your time as Papa?

Sonny: High Points would be the IRC chats and the fun little raids we had with Big Bash. Low Points were Morrish bots, losing the horde, and just the overall hate from harmanz.

MH&S: Do you feel that you were given a difficult task in succeeding Petro? Did things ever become an issue just because you thought differently on certain matters than Petro?

Sonny: I actually did everything Petro wanted me to do. He gave me instructions and I followed them. People criticized that I did things Petro wouldn't but I did exactly what he wanted. I guess people just didn't like what I did because it wasn't Petro doing it directly.

MH&S: You're currently "raising money" to buy the Sealand island off the coast of England. I couldn't help but notice from the pictures that it seems to be an island that is easily defensible from a zombie attack. Will you build a nice ramp for the climbing impaired to gain access?

Sonny: Actually that idea was scrapped after my friends all said it was more fun to pretend taking it over than actually doing it. I'm now trying to catch PhonePoleDeer.

MH&S: You seem to have somewhat of a mixed reputation in the game depending on who is asked. There are many players who are fiercely loyal to you and enemies who are very much respectful to you, but there are also some players (most all of whom frequent other forums) who seem to not like you at all. What do you think this polarization is a function of?

Sonny: Well people who like me like me because I'm also fiercely loyal, one thing Petro took into account when he allowed me into the horde. Those that respect me on other sides do it because I show respect when it is deserved. Those that hate me are just angsty teenage boys that don't like people disagreeing with them. I guess it also has to do with me joining the zombies.

MH&S: You've recently taken a break from UD and (if I remember correctly) NW, even though you're still somewhat active in the community of forums. Will the old games ever lure you back, or are you just chatting with friends and answering the occasional interview?

Sonny: I'd come back to UD if it was heavily updated. I do log on once a night for Mall Tour because Xyu is such a cool guy. I'd never come back to NW because it is too fast paced, too time consuming, and just too hard to grasp when you're gone for a few days.

MH&S: Final question... Papa Sonny: Great Papa or Greatest Papa?

Sonny: Not even close. Rating me from the three total Papas I'd score 5th place.

MH&S: I'll just mark you down as saying "great" because you don't think you're the greatest.

Better Know a Strike Team

The Red Guards

By Goolina

From intrepid reporter to RRF strike-team leader to brand-new Malton Ranger...this rising star of Urban Dead is known to many, and respected (or feared) by most. The Malton Herald & Sun's own Murray Jay Suskind recently took time out from his varied activities, washed the blood and brainz off of his hands, and sat down to talk to me for this exclusive interview.

MH&S: Murray, how did you get involved with the RRF and the strike teams?

MJS: Well, I started off with AU10 because I asked about strike teams when I got on the boards, and Silent Sister was the first one to get back to me. From there things really took off. While I really enjoy being a strike team leader now, and while I have a good crew in the Red Guards, I'm still an AU10 member at heart. The camaraderie and the eclectic mix of people with overlapping talents is pretty amazing. That and they're quite good at killing people, getting up to almost GMT levels of good.

MH&S: Tell our readers more about your current strike team, The Red Guards, and their efforts at reeducating the harmanz of Malton.

MJS: With the Red Guards I just took the fascination I have with Mao's China and redirected it into a strike team. The real Red Guards were taught to disregard everything, including human life, in their veneration of Chairman Mao and opposition to "capitalist roaders." Well, I decided to apply the same principles and disregard for harman life to a new strike team. And we've got a great group. I'd love to see us grow a little more, but our handful of members are very enthusiastic and are great to play the game with.

MH&S: You seem to be a rising star in the RRF. How does it feel to have the admiration of so many of your zethren, yet the animosity of so many obviously jealous harmanz?

Fanatical devotion to the Horde is the only way to not be subjegated to re-education.

MJS: Well, I'm only a rising star in the RRF because anyone is given a chance to rise in the RRF. We're a very open community, and that combined with the fact that I have a lot of free time on my hands allowed me to rise quickly. However, a lot of the credit has to go to Silent Sister and Patrucio; they've fostered many of my insane ideas and have let Murray Jay Suskind grow into the harman killing monster that he is.

MH&S: What prompted you to start up the Malton Herald & Sun again? Some of that free time you spoke of, or something deeper?

MJS: Patrucio was asking for people to start up the Malton Herald & Sun again. I suppose it's something where the deeper I got into the meta-gaming the more fun it got. I've always fancied myself a decent writer so I took a crack at it. As I got people to start working with me, then the paper really took off and became truly fun. Again, meta-gaming and camaraderie. The Malton Herald & Sun is probably the most fun part of the game for me, except when it comes to posting it on the wiki page. Posting stuff on the wiki page sucks.

MH&S: What does the future hold for zambah news sources in Ridleybank?

MJS: The future holds good things for zombie media. As long as there is an Urban Dead, and as long as a lone feral zombie is hamstrung by the way the game is set up, there will have to be metagaming. Zombie news is a great way to metagame, get your name out there and to coordinate.

MH&S: You recently interviewed the formidably classy Ron Burgundy. What was that experience like?

MJS: It was great. He's a really nice person and, of course, has a great sense of humor mixed with perfect hair. Since RRF utterly devastated the NMC at Blackmore and Nichols, I suspect we won't be seeing him in battle for a while, but he's definitely a worthy foe.

MH&S: Do you have any plans to interview other notable harmanz? If so, which one would you most like to interview?

MJS: Well, I did interview Dickhole Guy, but most of the questions were about Blackmore and then it fell making what we were talking about irrelevant, so I had to interview him again. But I have all sorts of ambitious plans. I'd like to talk to the past Papas, Jorm, some of allies like The Minions of the Apocalypse and Shacknews, as well as other harmanz like Padre Romero, Vito the Don [Editor's Note: See below] and maybe Imperial Red Dragon. I like what IRD has done with his new Power Rangers group. Not as good as my Ivan Drago Death Squad suggestion, but it's still a good theme.

MH&S: Many of us have heard rumors of a "bet" with The Malton Rangers' Dickhole Guy. Care to tell your readers about this bet?

MJS: Oh, after he told me that the RRF couldn't get the survivors out of Blackmore without the help of Shacknews, I bet him. The terms I laid out were if we won DHG would have to be a dedicated Red Guard for a month, if he won Murray Jay Suskind would have to be a dedicated Malton Ranger for a month. He backed out of the bet shortly before the fall of Blackmore.

MH&S: However, I noticed that you and DHG did make good on the bet later on. Please elaborate on what your alt is doing now, plus the idea of Life Cults kicking around on the NMC boards.

MJS: Walter Sobchak is fighting to take back Caiger right now, fighting what he insists are anti-semetic nihilists. I'm pushing this life cultist thing hard because I think it sounds like a lot of fun (I always prefer being a zombie) and I still make good on having an alt that actually helps the survivors. Although Walter needs to pick up some XP before going life cultist -- he has no zombie skills.

MH&S: Now Murray Jay, there's general knowledge of the Red Guards' link to Jack Abramoff. What few people know about, however, is your link with Britney Spears. Any comment on her recent split with K-Fed?

MJS: First of all, I never took money from Jack Abramoff. He just put me up in a nice hotel, paid for my flights and my meals and took me golfing at a resort. That's all. Secondly, it's fairly obvious that Britney's a zombie. I mean her brains were eaten when she was very young. Now what happened with K-Fed was that she mistook someone with rather severe mental handicaps for another zombie. It's really tragic, when you think about it. Anyway, it couldn't last, the harman / zombie relationship. The world isn't ready for it yet.

MH&S: Back to serious topics. Caiger, Blackmore and Stickling are all in zambah hands. Is this the beginning of a new zambah renaissance? Or will the PTT recover from the humiliating defeat in Shearbank and pull off a Hail Mary at Giddings?

MJS: I'd say it is a zombie renaissance. My big concern at this point is that the survivors will get some new nerf right as Shacknews is leaving. But as the game stands right now, the various zombie groups are working together in a much better fashion than the survivor groups and we're routing them because of it.

MH&S: Final question. Papa Patrucio: Great Papa or Greatest Papa?

MJS: Well, I wasn't around for Papa Petro or Papa Sonny. Patrucio is most definitely great, but I'm not qualified to say whether or not he's the greatest.

MH&S: Oh, no way are you getting off easy on this one. Your choices are "great papa" or "greatest papa."

MJS: *sigh* Okay, just put me down as saying "greatest."

Better Know a Strike Team -- The Gore Corps

By Murray Jay Suskind and Goolina

Ah... the combat revive. The bane of every zombah'z existence. Just when you think things are going well, bam, you're on the ground and are a useless harman, nonetheless. But wait! There is hope! Sometimes this freshly made harman stands up and begins smashing generators, headshotting harmanz and making what little is left of the harmanz lives a living hell. And that brings us to part four in our ongoing series, Better Know a Strike Team.

The Gore Corps: The Fightin' Corps! The resident death cultists of the RRF, these members reign blood on the harmanz in either zombah or harman form. The lure of the death cult was first formed during the Big Bash when during the siege of the Besley Mall, a certain young zombah kept getting combat revived. Instead of merely jumping out a window or sacrificing the temporary and disgusting harman viscera, this RRF member made it her job to torture the harmanz by causing destruction as one of their own.

When Papa Patrucio was looking to form new strike teams, a good word from Papa Sonny lead this rapidly maturing dual-threat killing machine to be entitled her own group. Hence, the Gore Corps, the RRF's death cultists were born.

And who is this brave leader? Well, it's none other than Goolina, a zombah that may have made it on as many harman shit lists as any other RRF member. We recently had a chance to talk with Goolina, in her much less disturbing zombah form, in her home in Woodland Towers.

MH&S: What would you say is the overall philosophy of the Gore Corps?

Goo: Our philosophy is simple: We assist the RRF in securing and preserving Ridleybank as a harman-and-barricade-free homeland for all zambahz. We lend a hand to other RRF strike teams as well. Two things we do not do are spy for the RRF (even though it's an accusation that follows us, it's patently untrue) or willingly enter Ridleybank (or the greater homeland) as harmanz. The exception would be during a siege situation inside Ridleybank - then the kid gloves come off!

The harmanz worst nightmare

MH&S: That's understandable. As the resident death cultists of the RRF, I'm sure you guys have been a lightning rod for the new RRF policy allowing death cultists. What pisses off harmanz so much about their brainz being sprayed about by a gunshot rather than having them merely eaten?

Goo: Harmanz like to think of themselves as benevolent protectors. Being blown away by their own kind shows them how truly vulnerable they are. It also strikes a chord of fear, because they know that there are people out there who would do the same thing in a real situation. Their greatest enemy isn't the zambahz, but each other.

MH&S: Is there anything that a harman can do that actually works against a death cultist?

Goo: Actually, yes. Accept the gift of barhah when it's offered, and don't make us come looking for you. We're like process servers...we always get our man.

MH&S: Yes, but are the harmanz smart enough to figure that out?

Goo: Come to think of it...no.

MH&S: What's the funnest part about being in the Gore Corps?

Goo: One thing I love about the Gore Corps is the comraderie. We like to have a laugh, and we're all about the funny. We spend a lot of time talking back and forth with each other about silly things that have happened to us, kills we've made, and the reaction of harmanz to our shenanigans. One of my favorite quotes is from the first person to join the Gore Corps:

"I took out Padre Romero a few minutes ago while listening to 'Natural Born Killaz', cause that's how I roll."

And then there's this particular gem:

"I racked up some XP against a PTT member the other day. Wore him down to 9 HP, healed him, shot him, healed him, shot him and killed him. Heh, I enjoyed it."

MH&S: Nice. Now, on a slightly more serious note.... Have you ever taken any contributions from Jack Abramoff?

Goo: I will neither confirm nor deny those allegations.

MH&S: Really? I have pictures.

Goo: *clicks off safety on gun*

MH&S: Why don't we move on to the final question. Papa Patrucio: Great Papa or Greatest Papa?

Goo: That's a difficult question. When I joined the RRF, Papa Sonny was the boss. I have a lot of respect for Sonny, and he always put a smile on my face with his devil-may-care attitude. He meant business too. Sonny was an all-around great Papa, and I miss the guy.

That's not to say Patrucio isn't a great Papa too. I think the RRF is blossoming under his leadership, and he's gone to great lengths to ensure that we still have a laugh while working on our goal of bringing the barhah to those in need. I think that if Patrucio continues in the same vein, he will become "greatest Papa" in the eyes of the Gore Corps.

MH&S: I'm sorry that wasn't an answer. Your options are: Great Papa or Greatest Papa?

Goo: Clawing his way towards "Greatest Papa" honors, most definitely.

MH&S: *Sighs* I guess I'll just mark you down as saying Greatest.

Better Know a Strike Team -- The GMT Breakfast Club

By Murray Jay Suskind

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Oooooo-ooo-ooo-ooooo woah! Nothing like some cheesy eighties music to lighten the mood. That was, of course, "Don't You (Forget About Me)" by Simple Minds. That song is most famous for two things: 1) Being incredibly annoying. 2) Being the theme from a famous eighties movie. Which brings us to part three in our ongoing series, Better Know a Strike Team.

The GMT Breakfast Club: The Fightin' Club! Formed in late 2005 during the Battle for Caiger Mall, this crack unit of some of the RRF's finest and highest level zombahz have been busting barricades and eating brains ever since. The official roadies of the RRF, they have been organizing tours and groaning "GRAHH one, two, GRAHH one, two," throughout Malton. Perhaps their greatest claim to fame is the fact they have eaten over 2000 brains to this point.

Known for their cheery spirit and cake distribution (they know how to put on a fantastic breakfast), they are always sure to mention that the GMT in their name stands for "Good Morning Tasty" as brains are so tasty to eat in the morning. They are lead by the charismatic cross-dresser HairyJim.

We recently had a chance to sit down with a few members of the GMT Breakfast Club while on tour in Darvall Heights.

MH&S: The GMT Breakfast Club has zombified over 2000 harmanz during its run. What would you say makes the club such a fearsome harman killing machine?

HJ: Surprise, Fear and a dedicated group of core members.

MH&S: Has there ever been a team of harmanz who have posed even the slightest impediment to the success of the GMT Breakfast Club?

HJ: We pretty much steam roll everyone we target -- just ask the inhabitants of The Whatmore Building for a recent example of a very successful GMT campaign; 100+ to 10~ inhabitants in under a fortnight. It's not the harmans that are the impediment it's the stuff they pile in front of their doors...

MH&S: Is there any connection between your group and the John Hughes film "The Breakfast Club?" Would you say that you're more like Judd Nelson, Emilio Estevez, Anthony Michael Hall, Ally Sheedy or Molly Ringwald?

Have you seen a zombie dressed like this?

HJ: Well there is only one connection with us and the film and that is Molly Ringwald stole my wardrobe and she copies everything I wear. Other than that no. We would however like to meet them and have a nibble on Molly.

MH&S: Do you have any advise to the younger zombies and strike teams out there aspiring to GMT Breakfast Club status?

HJ: IRC is good. Harmanz are bad. Say that several times a day and well you are welcome on board. "Themes" and variety keep the troops entertained as well (check out our wiki page for some examples).

MH&S: What kind of brain goes best with a nice cup of Earl Gray and scones?

HJ: There is no clear answer to this, each of us have our own preference.

Mardigan: A soft, spreadable one that's rich in XP and contains generous chunks of Headshot.

Distinguished: A warm one.

Bundolo: Well, I have to disagree with Mardi on this one. I mean, the bergamot in Earl Gray has a strong aroma to it, so it needs something strong to go with it. I'd definitely choose a dark brain rich with flavour and sarcasm - such as that of an ULC member. By the way, my personal favourite for those long sieges is a strong Oolong tea. It really keeps your bowels working when you need to eat more than two survivors a day. Remember kids: keep those small intestines working when you need to just pass it through, but savour the feeling of a Gingerbread Man.

MH&S: Papa Patrucio: Great Papa or Greatest Papa?

HJ: Now only I can answer this question since i have shook hands with the "big man" personally, wihtout pants! See this video: Meeting the GREAT Pappa Petro.

MH&S: Truly an inspirational video.

Better Know A Strike Team -- The Green Bay Packers

By BongoBrain and Murray Jay Suskind

Mmm... nothing smells quite as good as an undead corpse. The only thing I can even compare to it is a nice fragrant cheese. If I could lurch around with some Limburger on my head, I’d be a happy zombie. Speaking of undead Cheeseheads, it's time for part two of our ongoing series: Better Know a Strike Team.

Papa Patrucio leading his zambahz into battle

The Green Bay Packers: The Fightin’ Pack! The Packers strike team was formed in the Siege of Caiger, and as such is one of only two teams left from that time. From November of 2005 to the present day, the Packers have faithfully joined within their operating hours of 0000-0400 GMT to bring the spirit of Barhah to the cowering harman masses, on a campaign that has stretched from one end of Malton to the other.

As their name implies, the Packers are formed in the spirit of the famous American Football team, the Green Bay Packers. They are, in fact, lead by the undead incarnation of Brett Favre himself, still wearing his football jersey on which, despite the layers of blood and gore, the great white number 04 can still be seen. More importantly however, the Packers embody the spirit of Lambeau. Where blood still runs in their rotted veins, it is the blood of Vince Lombardi, of Ray Nitschke, of Reggie White and Gilbert Brown. They are the workhorses of the RRF, and with as much discipline as can be mustered in a “raging ball of square-dancing chaos”, they hold the line.

This spirit can be seen most strongly in what was likely the team’s finest hour thus far. While the rest of the horde was off on Excursion, it was the Packers along with a small group of other hardy volunteers who kept the zombie homeland free of harman vermin. While suburbs were torn up like tissue paper and brains ran in the streets like lumpy gravy, the Packers roamed Ridleybank and Barhahville, devouring what brains they could find squirreled away in the fetid hideyholes still scattered through the buildings. The Packers lived up to their reputation and kept on the job nonstop, ceasing only to conduct line drills in Foley Stadium, and hold the occasional towel fight.

And the Packers have still not stopped. They continue to strike every night, bringing on the spirit of the Barhah to the huddled harman masses, in that special, towel snapping, trenchcoat sacking way that only they can. On their rotten shoulders, moreover, rests the honor of the horde, for it is Patrucio himself, as the avatar of the great number four, who leads them. The Packers are now, for better or worse, the Honor Guard of the horde, and they bear the responsibility with pride.

Be you a zombie, and looking for a place for fun, comradeship, and towel snapping, then look no further. Be you a harman, then just know that we will see you soon

We recently had a chance to sit down with Strike Team leader Papa Patrucio in his Ridleybank office.

H&S: You model yourselves after the classic Packer teams of Lombardi and Holmgren. But what ever happened to the Packers of Don Majkowski?

Papa: We ate them.

H&S: The Magic Man? Why? He was such a juggernaut with Sterling Sharpe in Tecmo Super Bowl.

Papa: He wandered into Ridleybank. Packer or no, we don't distinguish between harmanz in the 'bank.

H&S: What stereotype would Reggie White have praised zombies for before the Wisconsin State Legislature?

Papa: It is usually left off of most transcripts, but he actually mentioned Zombie-Americans in that speech. It was right after he mentioned Hispanics, "Zombies, they have a gift for community. You see them standing around outside together in the rain and the snow and just about everything else, and they seem just as happy to be standing together no matter what. Plus, they love making new members to join them. I ain't ever seen a racist zombie."

H&S: In addition to leading the Packers you also lead the larger RRF. I suppose the next logical step would be Mayor of Malton. What's your platform?

Papa: Grah! Nah mar harmanz! Harmanz baad! Zambaz gaad! Braaaaa!nz!

H&S: As an elder in Urban Dead, you have surely sampled some excellent brains over the years: Which one was the best?

Papa: Oh, now that is a difficult one. There's the general debate between free-range brains and cage raised (aka Mall) brainz. They both have their different charms and such. But the finest brains I've ever had would have to have been Judge Judy. We've killed her regularly over our year of service, and each time I eat her brains they always seem a little better.

H&S: Papa Patrucio: Great Papa or Greatest Papa?

Papa: I would have to say adequate for now. Petrosjko is clearly our greatest Papa. I just hope I can keep the horde lively and fun.

H&S: I'm sorry, but the only two options I have here are Great and Greatest.

Papa: (Vacant undead stare at Murray Jay)

H&S: I'll mark you down as "Great" because you don't think you're the greatest. Besides "Patrucio: I'm Great" makes you seem modest.

Papa: (Continued vacant undead stare)

H&S: Thank you for your time, sir.

Papa: You're... hey wait. Aren't you supposed to be on assignment? What are you doing here interviewing me? You've got harmanz to kill!

H&S: Aye aye, sir!

Better Know a Strike Team -- Auxunit 10

Mmm... who enjoys a good ransacking? I know I do. Well, guess who scored the biggest ransack in recent memory this week. That’s right. It’s part one in our ongoing series, Better Know a Strike Team.

Auxunit 10, the fighting tenth! This young strike team has made quite a name for itself in the short time that it has been around. Not only have they ransacked the Blackmore Building – as part of a larger effort that saw many friends smashing ‘cades and eating brains – but they have ransacked nearly half their targets. This is despite numbering only eleven Zombahz: “It’s not the size of the strike team that matters. It’s what you do with it,” explained an anonymous strike team member.

Protecting Ridleybank since 2006

However, ransacking important harman buildings isn’t the only thing that AU10 is good at. They are also well documented for their insatiable desire for brains and the death of harmanz. Perhaps AU 10 Minister of Information, Murray Jay Suskind put it best when he said, “Chairman Mao killed 30 million harmanz in China. I think we can do much better right here in Malton.”

So who leads this great strike team into combat? It’s none other than Elizabeth Vignelli (aka Silent Sister). The Malton Herald & Sun recently had a moment to sit down with Ms. Sister in her Ridleybank office. Here’s what she had to say.

MH&S: What contributions has your team made to the greater Barhah of Malton?

SS: Well, we're ransacking fools for one, and that's always going to boost the average zambah'z morale. Most of our brethren find it refreshing to enter a building that's been torn to shreds, and we're more than happy to oblige. We've also been making great strides in helping our younger brethren gain experience and skills - bigger, stronger, more experienced zambahz are deadlier zambahz. And by powering through cades like a hot knife through brain butter in order to give everyone access to the delicious harmanz inside a building, we're exemplifying the spirit of BARHAH. It's about looking out for the success of your brethren - we don't really care who kills the harmanz as long as they get killed. Compare that with the survivors who compete with each other and I think you'll see why BARHAH is so special. It's more than a battlecry; it's a way of life.

MH&S: Sometimes your team ransacks two buildings in one day. Do you think it's fair to so thoroughly out-class the harmanz?

SS: I know this is a hot-button topic, but it's got to be said: Zambahz are classier than harmanz, and we're not going to hide it any longer. We've always had to work harder than the harmanz for our victories, so if ransacking two buildings in one day is going to boost my team's morale and strike fear into the fleshies in the area, then by BARHAH we're going to ransack two buildings. It really comes down to the team, though - our numbers are small, but each and every member of Auxunit 10 is as classy as five harmanz combined. That kind of awesomeness is hard to hold back, so we just go at it like the crazy zambahz we are.

MH&S: Papa Patrucio: Great Papa, or Greatest Papa?

SS: It's early yet, but I suspect it just may be the latter (with all due respect to our former Papas, of course). Papa Patrucio inherited a lot of problems when he took over the RRF and he's done a good job leading us - he listens to what the horde is saying and takes that into account, but in the end the decisions are his own. He's quite the level-headed zambah; I mean, great leaders are always going to have their quirks, and I think we've all heard the rumors that when nobody's watching, Papa Patrucio likes to dress up in strange outfits and shout "GAH LAHNG!" while gesticulating wildly. But that doesn't change the fact that he's doing a bang-up job of helming one of Malton's most notorious hordes.

MH&S: What's Auxunit 10's fight song?

SS: "Ghouls' Night Out" by the Misfits. It's good music to kill by. Sometimes we even have impromptu song and dance parties in the streets when we're feeling particularly spry after our daily dirt naps. We usually invite the harmanz to join in, but they always refuse. That's okay, though, because when that happens we just go in and drag them out. They're a little shy and need some encouragement to have fun – I guess we'd be pretty cranky too if we spent our entire lives holed up in the dark.

  • If you wish to find out more about Auxunit 10 visit their wiki page. If you wish to join Auxunit 10, make sure you're a member of the RRF first, then contact Silent Sister on the forums.

Better Know an Ally

Shacknews

By Murray Jay Suskind

As quick as five dollar whore, the Shacknews horde descended upon Malton, and set a path of destruction the likes of which Malton had never seen. But as quickly as they appeared, they vanished -- seemingly into thin air -- and left Malton, idled out of the game.

The times were great while they lasted, and Malton Herald & Sun recently had a chance to sit down with Chronolith, one of the Shacknews Generals to find out more about this powerful, if historic horde.

MH&S: Glad you could take some time off during the holidays to talk to us.

CL: Well, Malton has some excellent publications; as a zombie, though, I have some difficulty reading them all. Particularly, the ones with words in them... I usually just look at the pictures. For purely educational reasons, of course.

MH&S: Much like the retirement of Shacknews, your initial appearence was very swift. Just how did Shacknews pop up so quickly?

CL: Shacknews is a gaming website that's been around since 1996 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shacknews). We're a fairly tight-knit community of several thousand people, so the potential for what became the Shacknews Horde had always been there.

I first discovered Urban Dead in September 2006 after our Horde founder and general, ZeroDPX, posted about it; being a huge horror-film buff, I signed up right away. One of the most frustrating things about playing as a zombie is finding humans -- most of them hide inside barricaded buildings, which makes leveling up fairly difficult and somewhat discouraging to new players. Not to be deterred, Zero and I continued posting info on the Shacknews forums a few times each day: listing where easily-accessible humans could be found, telling new players what skills they should buy once they leveled up, and so on ( example -- http://www.shacknews.com/ja.zz?id=12836353 ).

Existing players got the idea and started participating in these discussion threads, and over time, the description of our nightly activities closely resembled stories. More people got interested enough in what they saw to create new characters, and that's how it snowballed. At the height of our power at Caiger Mall, we had ~250 active raiders participating each night; as of last night, when we officially retired the Horde, just under 300 people were on our nightly raiding instructions list.

Thank you for a job well done.

MH&S: What do you think was the greater triumph: Finally taking down Caiger or routing the PTT?

CL: Caiger Mall, without question. Most of the big groups, including the Big Bash and the RRF, were so discouraged by previous incidents of barricade-zerging at Caiger Mall that they refused to return there. We knew what we were up against, but we felt we had both the numbers and the strategy to get the job done. Succeeding where none others had, and in the face of all naysayers, was a very gratifying experience.

As far as the PTT (at Stickling Mall) are concerned, they defeated themselves. Our siege of the Whippey Building -- the Necrotech facility closest to Stickling Mall -- was the hardest battle we've ever fought, Caiger Mall included, and the PTT and their allies were relentless in their defense of it. However, once we ransacked Whippey after 9 nights of siege, there was zero resistance when we attacked the mall - nothing. We ransacked one of the corners of Stickling Mall six hours after our first attempt at directly attacking the mall. Once inside, we hardly saw any of the PTTers that we saw nightly inside Whippey -- they were gone. So routing the PTT turned out to be a non-issue for us.

MH&S: What are Shacknews' plans for Nexus War?

CL: We're taking it easy right now. Nexus War is far more complex than Urban Dead, so it'll take some time before our players become familiar with the game and its intricacies. And after spending 3-5 hours each day, 7 days a week, for 4+ months helping to organize the Shacknews Horde in UD, I've resumed the role of a soldier in Nexus War. I need the rest.  :)

The potential is there for Shacknews to become another power-player in Nexus War. But in the end, we play games to have fun, not necessarily to win for the sake of winning. If Shacknews never grows beyond a small group of dedicated or even casual players, that's OK, too. Having fun is Priority One.

MH&S: You've mentioned that while the Shacknews horde will depart from the game, many of the members will still stick around. Will Chronolith continue playing Urban Dead? If so, what are your plans for him?

CL: Last night, the Shacknews Horde travelled to the Brain Museum in Rhodenbank, where most of us will remain for the foreseeable future. That includes Chronolith: I owe that much to my fellow raiders.

MH&S: Way to go out on top. On a more serious note: Is it true that you were once caught wearing pants?

CL: Not only is it true, but it's also not false! What kind of a leader would I be if I chose to wear pants?

MH&S: What, precisely, is appleflappin?

CL: Like the term "barhah", "appelflappen" is not something that can be easily defined. What can be explained is that our patron saint, Maarten, is the sole purveyor appelflappen. It is -- was -- the hope of every raider to bring greater glory to Maarten by their own actions. And in doing so, increase their chances of Maarten bestowing appelflappen upon them.

MH&S: I see. Final question... The RRF: Great zombie horde or greatest zombie horde?

CL: Great zombie Horde, but not the greatest. With the promise of greatness comes the possibility of failure; and by declaring a moratorium against Caiger Mall, the RRF limited not only their capacity for failure, but greatness as well.

MH&S: Ouch. Don't know a way to counter that one. Thank you for your time.

Better Know an Enemy

Quartly Study Group

By Goolina

Ah, the fair city of Malton - home to zambahz and harmanz whose main goals are the eradication of one another. But wait! There's more to Malton than pitched battles between various groups. A lone candle of literacy and intelligent rhetoric has been lit in the besieged suburb of Roftwood, shining its light on all who hunger for more than blood or brainz in these trying times.

Overseeing this bastion of all thing literary is Sir Fred of Etruria, an affable librarian at the Quartly Library, as well as the leader of the Quartly Study Group. Beloved by harmanz and zambahz alike, the busy Sir Fred took the time to sit down with the Malton Herald & Sun for this exclusive interview.

Goolina: How did the Quartly Study Group get started, and what are their goals?

Sir Fred: At first the librarians were lost without cause. The friends I knew in life who'd entered the battle in Malton were divided and spread to the four corners. But in the center of this maelstrom of zombie activity, we found the Quartly library. At first the Quartly Library was a way-station, a meeting place, a safe-house out of the way. Fairly centrally located, and near enough honest resource points to make the library a very low priority target but guarantee nearby action... I was surprised a group wasn't based there already. Only after my friends told me that "we are the only lit building in the suburb" did I realize we had made Malton a little more intriguing.

Ready for some reading?

The goals of the Quartly Study Group are thus: To protect the Quartly library, QSG members, and the head librarian; to operate our revive point for friends, guests, and the little ones; to survive in unrealistic situations; to spread interest in great authors like Vonnegut; and to secure libraries, and should a library not be available a school or museum should suffice.

Goolina: I've heard of the Apocalypse Horde Slow Readers. Are you guys connected with them in any way?

Sir Fred: During a particularly nasty battle with the Apocalypse Horde, we were the last group to stay in Roftwood. After they'd driven all the other groups out, they had the troops to dedicate sixteen of their members to the continued assault of the Quartly Librarians. Mz. Tonin did coin the phrase the Apocalypse Horde Slow Readers Group, but we are not affiliated. We have vendetta.

Goolina: Seriously though...why librarians?

Sir Fred: Being fans of the zombie-survival and one-liners, we quickly realized a more 'role-play' oriented group was needed. The professions in Malton are combatants, healers, zombies, and the rare civilian. The civilian was embraced, fleshed out, and given a classy home in the Quartly Library.

Goolina: And it’s a classy home indeed. However, you’re not just shelving books all the time. What are some of the major battles the QSG has participated in?

Sir Fred: I first cut my teeth at the Bear-Pit II, but then after the glory of combat the Big Bash crushed all of us on July 19th/20th. Next we had the victorious operation “Roftwood is for Readers.” Upon securing our homestead, we took a trip over to Ridleybank, to the Blackmore NT. During the first week of the Blackmore Occupation, the Apocalypse Horde started attacking our home suburb. We were in sieges everywhere we went... We were buried by the Apocalypse Horde at home, overwhelmed by four times our numbers. Eventually we recruited the Rangers to clear our namesake. This period of occupation by the Apocalypse Horde was on and off for four months. Then when Blackmore II happened we were invited, but it was entirely someone else's conflict. When the zombies were finally freed from Blackmore II they celebrated by visiting Roftwood. The Library held against a horde that exceeded the three-to-one ratio... twenty zombies to the six librarians within. Since then we prefer to keep the battle-lines outside of our neighborhood - the recent pre-Christmas trip to Caiger mall, and the current crisis in Stanbury Village, for example.

Goolina: The Zombie lecture series has been pretty popular. Are there any particular zombies you'd like to have as guest speakers? If so, who are they and why?

Sir Fred: Other than any of the RRF papas? I guess people we've fought. I already saw Graaaaaargh walk through here once. That was a huge surprise. I think Brett Favre and Spooge McDuck are members of the RRF that I'd like to swap war stories with. But the guest who would probably give an intriguing lecture is BaronSamedi, a level 42 who logged in a year before I started!

Goolina: If you suddenly decided to leave the harman life behind, which group would you want to join? Or would you want to start your own horde?

Sir Fred: Oh, a lovely question. Zombie skills are aimed at getting zambahz of different races and creeds to work together. Of course, I would join the Ridleybank Resistance Front, but the true spirit of barhah is found in the hearts of the ferals who brought the cades down to quite-strongly. Barhah to the non-affiliated!

Goolina: There's been talk of wild parties and other scandalous happenings at Quartly, and rumor has it that Paris Hilton has been seen leaving the library at the wee hours. Care to comment on these sordid tales?

Sir Fred: I will confirm that we have had some sordid exchanges in the Quartly Library's large print annex, but the rumors about Paris are lies and slander. I think you had better apologize to her before she sues you for implying she was in a library! How un-trendy...

Goolina: What's on your recommended reading list for harmanz and for zombies?

Sir Fred: For humans I recommend a book that celebrates the strength of individualism over an ever-pervading social structure: We the Living, by Ayn Rand. And for the zombies, a tale of triumph over sole-crushing evil through trust and cooperation: Divine Invasion, by Phillip K. Dick.

Goolina: What does the future hold for the Quartly Study Group - and indeed for literacy - in Malton?

Sir Fred: Well, the zombie lecture series is ongoing. Just recently a brain-rotted zombie broke through our barricades to join the discussion. And we will continue to go on daring suicide missions. For example, we slept in the Accourt Library, in Ridleybank, on the night of Jan 4th. Otherwise, we will attempt to spread class to the rest of Malton, for we have discovered that class is the delivery mechanism for literacy.

Goolina: Final question - which leader is classier, Ron Burgundy or Papa Patrucio?

Sir Fred: Hey, I want to go drinking with both those guys. They exhibit class on many levels and always encourage people to make more of Malton for themselves. But I've seen Patrucio's humor and good nature with some of the younglings on his forum, it was quite classy.

Goolina: Right, so I'll put you down as saying Papa Patrucio is the classier leader. Thanks for your time, Sir Fred. As always, it's a pleasure.


USSR

By Murray Jay Suskind

Cold weather, bleak factories, alcohol consumption. No, my friends, it's not Gary, Indiana. It's Part 5 of our ongoing series: Better Know an Enemy.

The USSR: The Fightin' R! Originating from the ashes of the Second Battle of Blackmore (and the related battle at Nichols Mall), the USSR is a survivor group dedicated to protecting the Survivor Security Zone and putting fear into the undead residents of Malton. We recently had a chance to sit down with Public Relations Officer Protomorph in the Vere Cinema. Here's what he had to say.

MH&S: Good to meet you.

PM: Greetings, my rotting friend. Let me introduce myself. My name is Protomorph and I am the official public relations officer of the Urban Stalkers of Soviet Russia.

MH&S: Speaking as a Red Guard, the harmanz are clearly the Capitalist Roaders of Malton. Why would any good Communist want to repair and hang out in malls so much?

PM: Exactly. Why would any communist hang out in a mall? If your zombie brains are too rotted to realize this, let me explain... Soviet does not equal Communist. We are the Urban Stalkers of Soviet Russia. Soviet Russia, not Communist Russia. Hah. We laugh at you and your miserable attempt to ask a misleading question. The so-called Red Guards are clearly the capitalist pigs of Malton who invert the ideals of the free and equal Malton.

MH&S: So the people who destroy malls, eat brains and live in the street are capitalist pigs?

PM: Well, except for the living on the street part, yes. Since the zombies won't let the working people (cops, firefighters, doctors, consumers, etc) to live a normal life, a life where they can safely shop in the malls and wake up with their brain intact, then yes, they are capitalist pigs. Well, just look at them. They destroy the barricades, which were built by the working people. They eat the brains of the working people who are trying to survive through the day! Zombies are greedy creatures, always hungry for more brains, while a normal, working citizen has as much brains as the next guy. And if that's not an indicator that zombies are the capitalists, then I don't know what is. Zombies are clearly the ones who started this mess, and I am sure, if the zombies would stop biting and just quietly surrendered, we would have a peaceful and nice city. Malton belongs to everybody, but it doesn't mean that anyone can go and destroy something that a 100 people, working together, built overnight. Only a capitalist would declare that he has a right to be in charge of other people's property. Am I right or am I right?

MH&S: Never thought of it that way, I always viewed the horde as the ultimate proletariat working together to take down the decadent bourgious who hide behind walls. Anyway, the USSR sprung up quite quickly as one of the RRF's strongest and most organized opponents. How did the USSR rise up so quickly?

PM: Our founder Mike Madman Calwert has found quite a large number of people who shared the same beliefs that he had. Then, seeing that we are indeed bringing peace and justice to the suburbs of Malton as well as fear into the hearts of the zombies, even more survivors have decided to join us. We are very organized because most of the stalkers are former soldiers and know how to follow orders.

MH&S: What are the goals of the USSR?

PM: There is a saying, in Malton, you fear zombies, in Soviet Russia, zombies fear YOU! And, since the USSR is here, we will make the zombies of Malton experience the same fear that the zombies back in Soviet Russia have. We will unite the stalkers of Malton. We will clear out Roftwood and the Survivor Security Zone. Hope to see you and your rotting friends there, so I can personally shoot a flare through your head. Then, we will crush the zombie threat in every corner of the fine city of Malton and nothing will stop us.

MH&S: Nice Yakov Smirnoff reference. Although I have to ask, don't you have to be alive to feel fear?

PM: Trust me, even the undead will feel our wrath. If you rotters have anything left in the place where your brain used to be, they you will experience fear.

MH&S: There have been complaints from survivor groups about members of the USSR shooting zombies at revive points. Is this a language-barrier problem, enforcement of your no zombie skills policy or something else?

PM: As far as we know, there were no complaints about our members not abiding by the rules of the revive points, so your question is inherently wrong. But I will assure you, my dead friend, that the rule five of the USSR official policy prohibits "attacking zombies on a Revive Point and Sacred Ground (cemetries, churches)." is well in order. Your anti-USSR propaganda will not succeed.

MH&S: That info was actually passed onto me by members of the Malton Rangers and the Quartly Study Group (I don't stand at revive points, so I wouldn't know). As far as anti-USSR propaganda goes... Will it succeed when beat you?

PM: I would imagine that we would be the first ones to be notified if such an incident indeed took place. Alas, neither Malton Rangers, nor QSG, who I might say are our very good friends, never even mentioned anything about the revive kills. And, above all, I am surprised why would anybody in both of these fine groups pass this kind of information to a zombie. We deny that this kind of incident has ever taken place. As for propaganda - do whatever you want, we know that in the end the truth will prevail.

MH&S: Well, there are a lot of Rangers that read this, so now they know to come to you. Getting back to the no zombie skills policy, don't you think that's a bit anti-zedmetic?

PM: To answer this question, I will quote Joe Stalin:

In answer to your inquiry: Survivor and human chauvinism is a vestige of the misanthropic customs characteristic of the period of cannibalism. Anti-zedmetism, as an extreme form of survivor chauvinism, is the most dangerous vestige of cannibalism.
Anti-zedmetism is of advantage to the exploiters as a lightning conductor that deflects the blows aimed by the survivors at zombies. Anti-zedmetism is dangerous for the survivors as being a false path that leads them off the right road and lands them in the jungle. Hence Urban Stalkers, as consistent interzombialists, cannot but be irreconcilable, sworn enemies of anti-zedmetism.
In the USSR anti-zedmetism is punishable with the utmost severity of the law as a phenomenon deeply hostile to the Soviet system. Under USSR law active anti-zedmites are liable to the death penalty.

So, no. Our policy is not anti-zedmetic. We just don't like those with too much zombie in their blood. Who knows, today you swear your allegiance to the USSR and tomorrow you are working as a z-spy for RRF.

MH&S: Don't spies have to deceive others about who they are? I mean, have you ever seen an RRF member that didn't have "Ridleybank Resistance Front" in their profile?

PM: Obviously they do and, unfortunately, we cannot protect ourselves against pure-human spies. Our policy is directed to those "people", who are choosing to be a human one day, and after they get themselves killed, fight on the zombie side.

MH&S: Would you consider the Survivor Security Zone more like NATO or more like The Warsaw Pact?

PM: Both. The spirit of the people are akin the spirit of the countries involved in the Warsaw Pact. Strong and united. The organization of the SSZ is more like NATO. Bringing ruthless destruction to the zombie hordes, by any means necessary.

MH&S: Last question, the RRF: Great UD group or Greatest UD group?

PM: Niether. RRF will fail no matter what you are going to call yourself. That is all I have to say.

MH&S: I'm sorry, the only choices I have are great and greatest.

PM: Well, then you are out of choices.

MH&S: Okay, how about I just mark you down as saying "great" since you don't think we're the greatest?

PM: ...


Vito the Don

By Murray Jay Suskind

I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse: Who's a harman enemy that's legendary for both his worthiness in battle and his excellent canollis (if they were only filled with brainz...)? Well, it's none other than part three in our ongoing series, "Better Know an Enemy."

Vito the Don: The Fightin' Don! A longtime stalwart of the Corleones, the Channel 4 News Team and former leader of the Malton Rangers, Vito is now running his own C4NT strike team, the UCCS. We recently had a chance to sit down with Mr. Don outside of Fort Perryn. Here's what he had to say.

MH&S: You recently started a new strike team under the C4NT banner. What are the goals of the team?

Vito: Well the unofficail goal of the UCCS is to try to retake one of the forts, most likely Perryn when we get enough members, I also recently was accepted as to be part of the Gingerbread Men, as i am told some of you zeds still cringe in fear of the name, get ready for a lot more cringing commin at ya soon.

MH&S: Huh, I always thought that fear was for the living. Anyway, there's very clearly some animosity between you and Dickhole Guy. He's also very... uh... "appreciated" over at the RRF boards. This being an RRF publication, do you have anything you wish to say to DHG?

Vito consults a Consiglierie while being interviewed by Murray.

Vito: Dickhole, you took my group, you slanderd me and you tried to deny events that happen before you joined the NMC. Some words of advice: No one can change the past and as much as you might want to you do not control your future. Though you toppled me, as all tyrants you have made an enemy in the people you control.

MH&S: I know I wouldn't want to be on the bad side of a Don. So you've been playing UD for a while. What would you say was your shining hour?

Vito: Ahh, the battle of the bearpit, or the Barville invasion. The Corleone's and the C4NT came into the battle knowing we had lost and somehow block by block, we retook Ackland and the surrounding territory. Barville was my idea to begin with so the precursor to Ridleybank was a great operation for tactical growth and resources.

MH&S: The harmanz have been having a hard time facing down Shacknews and a resurgent RRF. What do you think is the key for harmanity to counter this zombie upswing?

Vito: The key for humanity is definaltly to concentrate our rescources on one front. Spread out we are like picies of string, but together we are that of unbreqakable rope that binds us like a gripping vice. If Harmanity -- excuse me, Humanity is ever to rise against shacknews we need to work and fight as one. [Note: The interview was conducted before the announced retirement of the Shacknews horde.]

MH&S: Final question; the RRF: Great UD group or greatest UD group?

Vito: Ah the old Colbert poser. I would say the 2nd greatest UD group they are skilled corrdinated and oh so classy but there is one group better. Ron Burgandy and the Channel 4 News Team. I've been with Ron since before the bearpit and you know what, there is no other group i would have at my side then the C4NT.

The Malton Rangers

Ahh, nothing like the feeling of the RRF completely pwning an enemy. And guess who gets pwned by the RRF more frequently than anyone else? That's right. It's part two of our ongoing series, Better Know an Enemy.

The Malton Rangers: the fightin' Rangers! Recently suffering defeats at the hands of the RRF at Blackmore I, Blomfield Grove PD, Blackmore II, Nichols Mall and Shackbank, this team keeps rushing back into the breech against the RRF and always ends up running away defeated. So who leads this distinguished group? Well, it's none other than our good friend, Dickhole Guy who was recently promoted to this spot. We recently had a chance to sit down with Mr. Guy in Shackbank. Here's what he had to say.

What you giving that special zombie in your life this Barhahmas?

MH&S: Congratulations on the promotion. What are your goals for the Malton Rangers?

DHG: Goals would probably have to be getting numbers up. The guys I have now are supurb fighters and are well co-ordinated. The only reason I got promoted was because of them. They are always there when I need them I'd name them individually, but they know who they are. So, back to the question, I'd say goals are to keep recruiting, get the power rangers (the new subgroup) up and running, and get a wiki template that doesn't suck.

MH&S: How do you respond to the critics who say you haven't won a major battle since you became leader of the Rangers?

DHG: I'd ask them to look at the serrell building in yagoton. This morning there were 30 zeds inside, now its caded and powered with 15 or so rangers inside.

MH&S: Quite the major victory.

MH&S: Do you support Jane Harman's bid to become Chair of the House Intelligence Committee?

DHG: Yeah. 4 years of republican leadership has gutted the intellegence community, and they are probably worse off now than before 9/11.

MH&S: It's good to see harmanz sticking together for once. Too bad Pelosi gave the spot to known zombie sympathizer Sylvestre Reyes.

MH&S: You seemed kind of stunned after Blackmore and Nichols fell within 24 hours of each other. Did the rapid fall come as a surprise to you?

DHG: Yeah it did. I couldn't believe it. I thought the BBB had taken a lesson from the mistakes of caiger, when help is needed, send help. I think the fort implementation was the nail in the coffin for blackmore II though, as within minutes of its announcement we lost 30 defenders.

MH&S: Ron Burgundy has perfect hair. What do you have going for you?

DHG: Yeshamesh, My name a Deekhole guy, I like a you, I like a sex, its niiice.

MH&S: So Ron obviously has much more going for him. Final question... Jorm: Great forum admin or greatest forum admin?

DHG: ...greatest...

Better Know an Enemy -- The Channel 4 News Team By Murray Jay Suskind

If there are two things that the Malton Herald & Sun hates, it's harmanz in Ridleybank and television news. And guess who qualifies on both fronts? That's right, it's part one in our ongoing series, Better Know an Enemy.

The Channel 4 News Team, the fightin' fourth! Organized early in the game's history, the C4NT has been dedicated to fighting zombies (including the RRF quite frequently), makin' news and being concerned with petty harman things like hair and scotch. And who runs this "classy" organization? Well, it's none other the legendary Ron Burgundy. We had a chance to speak with Mr. Burgundy while he was temporarily zombified at Margery Lane.

MH&S: Wow. The Ron Burgundy. How does it feel to be public enemy #1 in Ridleybank?

RB: I try not to let it go to my head. We've got a lot of good folks on our side and they work hard- and I think it should go without saying that without our allies, we'd be nowhere. In point of fact, if you look at all the profiles in the Blackmore Building, most of them are non-News Team guys. Of course, they're the same people who have been following us for a while, and they might as well be members, but that's not what their profiles say. We've got a big group from all over Malton, if nothing else.

Getting back to the question, though, I do enjoy the infamy and everything that comes with it. Leading a large group- a very vocal large group- really brings a lot of new levels ot the game. It's been said before, Urban Dead takes about 10 minutes to play, but you can spend hours attending to it.

MH&S: I concur with the last point, that's something I know all too well and I just run a newspaper and a strike team. Anyway, the C4NT has a long and storied history, at least for a harman group. What do you think is the News Team's finest hour?

RB: The First Battle of Blackmore was pretty wild- and that's why we're back for a second (it ended too quickly)- but I'd have to say the Battle of the Bear Pit (Ackland Mall, for those of you who don't know) was the most interesting for me. We came down from Yagoton a month or two after the Second Siege of Caiger and took Ackland Mall by storm, kicking out something like 200 feral zombies and eventually took on the TSO while they were on their way to start the Big Bash.

There was nothing really interesting about the battle itself. We just moved into a mall and killed some zombies- standard deal. The thing is, it took place during a really intense period in News Team history. Before the battle, we were a medium sized group of about 40 people. We didn't have a forum or any real coordination and I was just counting on people to read the wiki, which I still pretty much do. I remember going in, I didn't even know if anyone was going to show up, so I started reaching out and making connections to the people who'd followed us to Yagoton and a few other folks around the wiki. We really set the foundations there and started working closely with the Malton Rangers and the Corleone Family. In a few weeks, we setup the forum and the alliance, took the mall, doubled in strength, and were launched on our way to being one of the game's larger groups.

That's just for me, though. The Battle of Blackmore has really become a phenomenon and I think among most News Team folks, it feels like our finest hour. It's the sort of thing no other groups have done- and not just because it's in Ridleybank. I mean, surviving by the skin of our teeth, in the beginning, with nothing but revives was absolutely wild. That in itself was far more interesting than any of the in game action I've seen, be it the First Siege of Caiger, the Big Bash, or the Battle of the Bear Pit.

A famous image that has been recreated frequently outside of the Blackmore Building.

MH&S: Speaking of Blackmore, the survivors in Ridleybank have contented themselves with regularly holding only one building. Doesn't it get a bit crowded in there?

RB: Sure does, but there's so much scotch and mead and Class that we really don't mind! We'll be branching out to other buildings when things stabilize and as more people start showing up. We've hardly spread the word at all and we've already got over 200 people in there, with the recently ended Third Siege of Caiger going on in the background, drawing a lot of attention.

All in all, the Blackmore really is just one building, albeit the most important building in Ridleybank. It's got a name, though- people know what it is and that helps to bring them out here. It's a rallying point, like any mall.

MH&S: I see. Changing topics, is Jack Abramoff a part of the Channel 4 News Team?

RB: Not to my knowledge, but he did buy me a nice bottle of Scotch in exchange for saying something about a group of Indians... I'm not sure, I wasn't really listening and don't speak Spanish.

MH&S: Really? I have pictures.

RB: I'm afraid any pictures you have are pictures of me not speaking Spanish. That is, they're pictures of non-events (the event of my not speaking Spanish). That is, they don't exist. Unless you're Sartre, of course. I mean, "nothingness" as an objective experience? Now that's a topic for a leatherbound book.

MH&S: By your definition, then all pictures don't exist, because there's something not happening, a non-event, in all pictures. For instance, in my propaganda posters, the zombies typically are speaking Zombish or Zombese, but not Spanish. Since these are posters of Zombies not speaking Spanish, they are pictures of non-events. That is, they don't exist. So have I just been wasting lots of time green airbrushing old Chinese Cultural Revloution Propaganda Posters?

RB: Err, they exist physically, but they are pictures of "nothingness." If you are looking at a picture in hopes of hearing me speak Spanish, and if you can't get that through the medium (photographs don't speak), then what you're experiencing is nothingness both in the lack of sound and in the background of everything else in the image which pursues its own nihilization by making itself the ground on which the event of my not speaking Spanish will occur but does not.

Such confusing nonsense! Kant is rolling in his grave.

MH&S: Meh, it's all a bunch of harman gibberish to me anyway. Speaking of harman gibberish, you run a rival news organization to the Malton Herald & Sun. What is your critique of our fine newspaper?

RB: You guys really get the information out, actually. Granted, it's mostly based around RRF activity, but I didn't know we'd renamed "Blackmore" as "The Green Zone." It's hardly green at all. I actually can't see what color it is, though. Our generators are working so hard and the lights are so bright- it's blinding, really. Sometimes I have to step outside just to see how good I look.

I do like the pictures you guys use, though. All those green zombies are pretty characteristic of the Malton Herald & Sun. The rest are just sorta dead looking. Speaking of which, is that where "The Green Zone" comes from? No, no, that couldn't be it because then if you guys left, the zone would no longer be green. On the contrary, it would be safe! Paradoxes upon paradoxes upon puns and happenstance...

MH&S: Thank you for the compliments. To be honest, you guys aren't bad for a look after reading the Herald & Sun. Anyway, the Green Zone is a reference to the "safe" area of Baghdad that Americans never leave for fear of getting killed.

RB: Yeah, I know. I just couldn't fit that in with the complex pun I was going for.

MH&S: Multiple meanings. The Malton Herald & Sun. Depth in a newspaper. Anyway, final question... The RRF: Classier than the Channel 4 News Team or classiest group in all of Malton?

RB: Classy zombies? I don't know. It's a bit hard to fix your hair when you're undead, isn't it? I assume that getting zombified means you've had your brains eaten, so what do you guys do about that? Just comb it over, or something?

I suppose it's also difficult to be Classy when you go around eating people. What's more, anything with claws probably doesn't have much Class. It's difficult to hold a glass of scotch like that, you know? Vodka maybe, but that's for the peons.

Also, death rattle comes close, but Class requires some conversational skill- and how far can you throw a trident? Whatever the case, you've got Barhah, that's for sure!

MH&S: I'm sorry the only options I have are classier than the C4NT or classiest group in all of Malton.

RB: *No response*

MH&S: I guess I'll just mark you down as saying "Classiest." That's all I've got, thank you for your time.

RB: Don't worry about it! Thanks for taking the time to read all the nonsense I just wrote! You stay Classy!

Herald & Sun Editorial

Ah, November 5th. When the harmanz will determinedly attack the zombah homeland. The zombah homeland so dutifully kept as such by the RRF. The same RRF that the harmanz love to disparage and discount.

Apparently the RRF is so weak that the harmanz are planning on sending barricade strafers and zombie trojan horses into our home more than two weeks in advance. The RRF is so weak that one week before the 5th, the C4NT and BBB are planning on coming in from the south and west; the PTT is planning on coming in from the north and the CDF is planning on coming in from the east. We know if we were facing a weak, washed-up joke of a zombie group that we’d send four of the five largest survivor groups in Malton after them.

We also know that if we had all that support, we’d bitch like hell if the RRF called in some help of their own. Heaven forfend that Malton’s zombahz show the slightest bit of Barhah and unite to liberate the harmanity of anyone dumb enough to invade the homeland.

We suppose its part of the innate harman inferiority complex. They lock themselves up all day, desperately barricading their own little prisons. Then they wake up the next morning to find that it was useless because we greeted them overnight and made them one of our own. Oh sure, the meatbags might use their precious resources to knock us down. But all we have to do is stand up to regain our full zombah glory. They have to wait in line, sitting uselessly until their precious harmanity is restored.

The RRF is resigned to having a massive target upon our back because we dare to have our own home, we dare to defend it and we dare to defeat the harmanz every time they intrude. One wonders if the RRF is a washed-up joke of an organization what that makes the harmanz we regularly eject from Ridleybank.

Regardless, we welcome all harman interlopers for the fifth. You may not realize it now, but a good dose of Barhah does wonders to one’s corpse – which is how all of you will end up. C4NT: We shall introduce you to true class. BBB: We’ll be waiting for you at Blackmore. PTT: All your brain are belong to us. CDF: It’s nice of you to finally leave Giddings for the greener, rotted pastures of Ridleybank.

We’ll be waiting.

Opinion

Let us work together to bring Malton more Barhah!

Letter From the Editor

  • Note: This opinion piece reflects the opinion of our Executive Editor and may not be representative of the horde.

The strike of '07 has been all the rage on the message boards recently. Civilized discourse has fallen to the wayside as various factions have taken to flaming one another, massaging their own egos and getting little that is constructive done.

I must admit I completely understand why Feral Undead is leading this strike. The only way that zombies can accomplish anything is with a sick amount of coordination. While the Shacknews horde is still a recent memory, the complete lack of success that a lone feral zombie can achieve on his own has made the game miserable for most zombie players. In turn, numbers of zombies have suffered.

UrbanDead is supposed to be a zombie apocalypse, but it's not much of an apocalypse in the majority of suburbs in Malton. Harmanz sit behind securely barricaded buildings, immune to all but the most coordinated of zombie attacks. This is not the way it's supposed to be. Anyone who has seen a good zombie movie knows that the survivors should be the ones who are desperately working together in a coordinated fashion against the random and terrifying attacks of zombies.

However, I do not feel that a strike is the answer at all. While the game is flawed, it always will be. All we humble zombies can do is have fun with what we're given. The RRF has gone on excursion in Southern Malton, the Mall Tour has returned and is ripping apart the malls of Northwestern Malton. Sure, we can only impact localized areas at this point, but all that means is that we should impact those localized areas.

So in the name of Barhah! I encourage all zombies to make their way to South Blythville or Yagoton to join in the only hopes the zombie side of the action has right now: roving hordes smashing entire suburbs at a time.

Good mmmmmmmmmmorning Ridleybank!

This is the cogitating cadaver, the deliberating decedent, the Plato of putrescence, the ruminating remains of what little grand erudition stood in this banana-hole town prior to the Great Awakening (what the respiration-inclined have dishearteningly designated 'The Outbreak'): the Mouth of Malton!

Today's broadcasts begins with a question and hopefully closes with an answer to yourself and to the just and burning spirits of truth, rationality and Barhah.

I pose, to those minute, warm-blooded communities who huddle, fruitlessly, against the a-shivering cold and dark of the Maltonian winter within the glorious gray borders of our Ridleybank, this inquiry:

Why do you claw against the lid of your own coffins? Why is it you continue this utterly hopeless struggle against the will of the Horde? Just as the black fog of winter wraps his icy claws around each building, each concrete monument, each tomb of Malton's hideous, harman past, so will the fist of the horde throttle every last remnant of harmanity. Each day, my respiring friends, you struggle against the unstoppable wave that is the Horde, against the cold, against sickness, starvation and even each other! Why not embrace the warm, orgastic release of death? Life is fleeting, a moment lost in a stream moments, but death is eternal! Find solace in that.

After all, you are all so near the precipice. Is this life you struggle in? Or is it survival? What oasis is found in survival? Mad, militant survivalists, the overbearing arrogance of Necrotech researchers, the very who laid this brave new world upon you, the predatory former-police, wicked, abusive dogs now unchained of responsibility: these are the overlords of your shadow of a life.

The horde offers you unlife, free of fear, of want for the illusory and unattainable, free to be, wholly, one's self. There is no race amongst the Horde, that mercurial and baseless wall harmanz place between themselves and their own brothers and sisters. Nor ethnicity, nor nationality, nor religion, nor class nor any of the more material concepts exist within the Horde. You exist only as one of the zetheren, one unique drop within the sea of the Horde. Only when you realize our sameness can you embrace your individuality. Life, harmanity, creates nothing but barriers... barricades to our own self-realization! Join us, and together we can tear down these barricades to ourselves!

Well, that's all the time I have this morning. Remember, children, if you see a needle: tell, don't touch! Together we can keep Ridleybank drug-free. May Barhah be your warmth in the darkness.

A CALL FOR PEACE

By Exham

My name is Exham, and I've lived here in Malton all my life (and after). My memories of childhood are vague, but warming - a city that was safe, sunny, and friendly; a place to raise a family; a place where the people cared about community - and they always bring a tear to my one rotting, squishy eye. I remember peace on the streets of Malton.

Brothers and sisters, fellow Malton citizens, countrymen both warm-blooded and room-temperature, I am here to say that the fighting must end.

It's not the most popular stance in this city, but someone has to take it. Too long has Malton been a city at war with itself. One can hardly sleep here, either for fear of being attacked in the night, or simply because all the screaming is keeping you awake. Graffiti covers our once-pristine buildings. Life is a race for safe haven before the exertions of the day numb our clouded brains. Forget about living - we're too busy surviving. This town has gone to hell, and it's all because we can't learn to put aside our petty differences and make Malton whole.

This war has gotten out of hand, it's time to put a stop to it, and if the harmanz aren't going to do it, then I think I know who will. Ridleybank has long been an important battleground, both literally and in the civil rights movement. It was the birthplace of the Zombie Pride movement, and grew so quickly in its progressive ideals that it soon became a target, representing all that the more old-fashioned communities hated and feared. So synonymous with the progressive movement is Ridleybank, in fact, that it has even been dubbed the zombie "homeland." It has been the epicenter of the civil rights struggle in Malton since the beginning, and I think it only appropriate that Ridleybank be the community to step up to the plate and make the dream of peace come true.

Fellow Ridleys, we must serve as an example of what a truly great city Malton could be. If there is going to be peace in Malton, we cannot play the xenophobes, snubbing and repelling outsiders. We must go out of our way to extend our hands in brotherhood! We must break DOWN the barricades that separate us! We must EMBRACE the harmanz! I say we must embrace them, and share with them a great FEAST of brotherhood!

We must reach out and . . . touch somebody!

The Malton Peace Movement may be small now, but I have faith it will grow. To all zombies in Ridleybank who may see the truth in this message, let us show our solidarity! Let us gather at the Blackmore Building, our suburb's greatest symbol of diversity, and really reach out to the recent harman immigrants. Let's really make them feel like home, because who knows? Maybe if we do enough reaching out, we'll find that in the end, we're not that different after all.

A piece of my mind

By Don Mohagany

Special to the Herald & Sun

In the name of several Norse Gods, I curse you, RRF!

When my compatriots and I decided to crash in the Blackmore Building a few months ago, we realized that it would take an effort greater than any one group to set up shop in the RRF's neighborhood. That's why there were ten different survivor groups occupying Blackmore. (It's science, look it up: Battle of Blackmore.)

But apparently the RRF didn't appreciate our 10-1 advantage! No! They had to passively allow other Zombie groups and PKers to enter the suburb and dared to let them strike at our purely symbolic stronghold! Since when does "Barhah" include zeds and survivors outside the RRF!?!

Anyway, I was doing a count of my fellow survivors around Blackmore the other day, and what did I find? Over a thousand. Watch out for the guns. So you can have your Shearnews, Ferel Undead and Red Rum (I've always preferred a bottle of Roundy's Premium Scotch myself), my allies will just hole ourselves up in some mall, waiting for you to ransack that as well.

You may have ultimately defeated me and my compatriots at Blackmore. But I promise you that me and my news team will assemble and be defeated at a new location in the not-too-distant future.

Anyway, I've got more important things to take care of. Like recruiting more groups to our cause while I hang out in suburbs not named Ridleybank. Excuse me.

Hey, Aqualung!

  • Mr. Mohagany is a composite of... oh, who the hell I'm I kidding, we're making fun of Ron.

Classifieds

  • Plenty of cheap real estate available in South Blythville and Lockettside. Close-out prices! A handyman's dream!
  • Found: Level 2 Civilians. Truell Museum, Roftwood. Please contact AU10 command station to arrange burial.
  • Wanted: Able bodied Zeds to join our time honoured team, Group 0. Want action, want bloodshed? Then Marven Mall in South Blythville is the place for you.
  • Found: Prescription bottle of Fluphenazine inside NW Nichols Mall on New Years Eve. Name says Dickhole Guy. Contact Braggledorth to claim.
  • Christmas Sale: Giddings Mall filled with slightly damaged merchandise. Everything must go! Up to 85% off!
  • Roommate Wanted: SZM (Single Zombie Male) looking for roommate in Northern Ridleybank. Your share of the rent would be 5 brainz a month. Must be willing to put up with a mess and NO BARRICADES! Not only do I hate them, but the neighborhood association really frowns upon them. Call KL5-3322.
  • Friends first? Handsome single male zombie seeking companionship. I enjoy dining out, shopping at the mall, ransacking, and square dancing. Come have some brainz with me and we'll see where it goes from there... Contact Talunex at Blomfield Grove PD in Ridleybank
  • Found: Left arm, torn off at mid-bicep. Tattered remnant of checkered sleeve still remain. Tattoo reads "Christine" in a heart.
  • Cancelation: The Thanksgiving Survivor Bash at the Blackmore Building. Due to unforeseen circumstances this function cannot go ahead. We apologise on behalf of the NMC. Admission will be refunded.
  • Sale: Going out of business sale! Huge price cuts on lab equipment, computers and medical supplies! All items sold as-is. Items may be viewed at the Blackmore Building. Contact the Blackmore Bastard Brigade, Channel Four News Team, or Malton Rangers for details.
  • Found: 600 Revivication Syringes. Will Take Best Realistic Offer Or What Have You? Contact Braggledorth, Blackmore NT.
  • Sale: Nichols Mall After Thanksgiving Sale! All harmanz slashed. Brainz will be first-come, first-served. Doors open early for your shopping convenience.

Target Practice: A harman by the name of Dickhole Guy has offered himself up as a practice target for the RRF. The brain has an unusually bitter flavor, but it's still a great opportunity for zombahz to get their kill on. He, along with numerous zerging alts, may be found in or around the Blackmore Building and Blomfield Grove Police Department.

For sale: Firewood salvaged from former barricades at Blackmore Building. Will consider trading for C4NT or BBB brainz. To claim, simply step out of Blackmore.

Found: One small dog. Has name tag that reads "Baxter." Contact Goolina to identify and claim. Will punt if owner not located in reasonable time.

  • Personal: SWM rotter seeks fellow like-minded F companion. Hobbies include shuffling, groaning, and brains. All limbs a plus, but not necessary. Call 867-5309.
  • Goods for Sale: Mahogany coffin for sale. Made from Ron Burgundy's apartment ransack. Unwanted gift. Will consider reasonable offers. Call 555-1234
  • Events: Want To Learn To Square Dance? Lessons Held Every Saturday Evening, 6PM GMT, at Blomfield Grove Police Department [57,44]. No Experience Necessary, All Levels Catered For. BARHAHmas Gift Vouchers Available.

Barhah History Month

March is officially known around Malton as Barhah History Month. Throughout the month, the Malton Herald & Sun will proudly post great moments in the history of Barhah....

The Formation of the Ridleybank Resistance Front

  • Taken from an account by Papa Petro himself

It started back in September, early in the month. Petrosjko, still in shuddering recovery from the horrid time when a filthy Revive-pusher had shot him full of liquid poison, came to Ridleybank to recover his zombie soul. Filled with shame for his time as a nasty harman, when he'd engaged in the sort of disgusting packrat behavior of that species and even raised arms against his fellow zambahs, he sought redemption in battle.

The glorious history of Barhah! in Malton.

At Moggridge Place PD, he found his challenge. Alongside noble Gordarmes and the occasional passing ferals, he waged an endless war against the diseased occupants who had laid claim to the building. Every day, he and Gordarmes would rise up, or move from their factory hiding place, and strike, bringing the barricades down and attacking in a never-ending effort to wrest control of the building from the harman scum.

After a week of furious battle, Petrosjko, Gordarmes, and their allies had cleansed the building of their foemen, leading to much merriment and celebration. Nine zombies stood inside where before two dozen harmanz had held dominion over the graceful, sweeping lines of Moggridge. So sweeping was the victory that Petrosjko and Gordarmes moved onward, tailing the Undying Scourge and participating in a few of their attacks as feral spectators.

Having had their fill of battle and brains, Petrosjko and Gordarmes returned to Moggridge, only to find that it had been... reinfested. Worse yet, there were even more slimy, foul breathers in the building than before. After being gunned down in the streets once more in front of the building they had come to regard as their own, enough was enough, and Petrosjko issued the call to arms, to put an end to the harman occupation of Moggridge, and ultimately Ridleybank itself.

Little did he know what this would lead to...

The First Recruit

  • Again, taken from the accounts of Papa Petro

On the day Infectious Bite was implemented, I was to make my most fateful recruiting move. I had the banked XP to buy it right off, and we were all very curious about how it worked in play. Littlelisa had answered the call to arms saying she would join me in this most sacred task of liberating Ridleybank from the breathers, and had moved Serina Darkrose down to watch the show. However, she was planning on moving Serina out and bringing in another character that she intended to zombify...

I wasn't aware of that fact, and she -had- expressed some curiosity about Infectious Bite, so I zipped into Moggridge, gave her a Bite of Greeting, then hopped over to my factory hideout. Lisa... lost her cool just a tad. So she ran out the door, and started shooting at the zombies outside in an effort to get me.

Fortunately for her, she APed out in the street, and was quickly embraced into the BARHAH of the horde, as our very very first recruit.

The Horde Grows

  • Taken from the accounts of Barbeque

My journey began in the slums of Dulston, growing up in an era when the 'burb appeared truly post-apocalyptic, with open doors and level one survivors abounding. I played a deadly game of hide and seek with the harmanz, sleeping in open buildings by night, hunting down unprotected harmanz by day.

It was a glorious time, but eventually the easy meals grew less prevalent, and the headshots more. So, with a growing sense of adventure, I headed south through devastation left by hordes of old.

I shambled happily along, discovering new abilities I never knew I had, until I reached Tolman Power Station Dentonside. It was there that I first heard of a new horde being formed in the central suburb of Ridleybank.

Although I was far from the others, I immediately declared my allegiance to the new RRF, and began the long trek to meet up with them. The news out of Ridleybank was so astounding, I was worried there would be no more brains left when I finally got there.

To add to this dismay, I found myself wandering through some of the worst neighborhoods in the city. In all of Pegton, I saw not one fellow zombie, and I can tell you it made me nervous.

My fears were validated when I was brutally murdered in the street and left to rot, but this only reinforced my burning desire to join with the horde and strike back at the harman criminals.

I moved on into Peppardville, and was excited at the prospect of touring Historic Old Fort Creedy, but I found the visitor center boarded up, with harmanz yelling at me to "Get lst joo zeddo!!1!" I can tell you that I was very disappointed at this.

No matter, I continued my trek, finally arriving in the Homeland. After greeting the local harman population, I joined the horde in assaulting the Blackmore building. As I said at the time, the flood had started...

Templates for all

Post-Apocalypse News Sources
Akule News • BBC • Daily Ruminations • Daily Spotlight • Dulston Dispatch • Fortress News • Malton Examiner • Malton Gazette • Malton Herald & Sun • Malton Media • Malton Mirror • The DHPD Newsletter• The Truth • Today's Message

Hey dead guys! You interested in putting the template "Press" on the top of your page? Blogrolling the newspapers.--Thegreathal 02:44, 9 May 2007 (BST)

Hi

ORPHAN.jpg Orphaned Page
The following page(s) were orphaned, meaning they weren't linked from any other page on UDWiki. For house-keeping's sake, we are adding the link onto the relevant talk page. If you don't want the pages anymore just post them on the Deletions Page. You aren't required to do anything, but we'd appreciate if it you kept the link on any one of your pages.

Please note that the link provided below will not remove the page from Orphaned Pages, so you'll still need to manually make a link for us. Thank you.



Thanks --RosslessnessWant a Location Image? 19:20, 5 October 2009 (BST)

Retrieved from "http://wiki.urbandead.com//index.php?title=RRF/Malton_Herald_%26_Sun/BackupTalk&oldid=1784413"